matthew 2, joey 2. april 15th.

it's tax day.

and this is post number four hundred and seven, since i went back and deleted the shittiest of my original old-writing-to-get-a-head-start posts. i only left my favorite stuff for you, bloggerland...

i'm so proud of myself. it's no small feat. it's only easy when i don't think about who does read this, who could read this, who will read this, or how many anonymous people stumble upon it and either read or dismiss it never to return. it's only easy when i keep in mind that i'm writing for myself, and others are just a bonus. it's easiest when i think of it as a way to let my best and most treasured friends know what the hell i'm up to because i suck at picking up the phone, and struggle to work out scheduling hang outs. i've been on my phone a lot lately, because so much is going on with me, but otherwise, working on that.

i like to keep myself secluded, i guess. first it was my depression this winter. when i drank alone and never felt like going anywhere other than favorite bar or kit's, and regretted favorite bar alone every single time. then it was the divorce. then the house. and now, i'm becoming a shitty friend because of boys. i'm trying to strike a balance. keep me in check.

but don't worry, friends. the novelty will surely wear off soon. and one of the three dating site dates i have set up for the coming week will probably be less than awesome. and i'll learn something from it. and move along with some kind of a bruise that makes it tender to try again with someone else. but i'm in forward momentum mode, and i am smitten with spring and feeling more alive than i have in YEARS.

or i'll settle in with joey, and quit dating site. and get over my crush on robbie for good, and not care that he never tries to hang out with me, or invite me to help him.

(i wrote this a couple days ago, and came back to it. robbie and i hung out for a whole hour today at suck store. i'll probably never get over my running-away-with-robbie-in-a-winnebago dream)

i hope i can find a balance. because boys and work is already a struggle. and mixing house work in, which is physically/mentally/emotionally exhausting, makes for this perfect storm of ups and downs and insomnia and feeling sleep deprived and nauseous. fluctuating between pigging out like i normally do and not being able to stuff one slice of bread down my gullet.

i'm drinking more, because i'm hanging out more. i'm out more. matthew outdrinks me, which (to borrow alice's phrase) has normalized having four or five beers in several hours while we hang around or bar hop.

i'm drinking more because that's what contractor and i do when we work, which has tapered off in the last couple weeks. but we drink about half the time we work together.

and i'm drinking more in an effort to sleep, which just makes me stumbly and awake. thanks to late coffee, and a high energy spring onset insomnia.

this week (last week, technically) with work was good because i tackled so many big problems/issues/concerns, that i felt like i did my job. which made me stress less, even though the stress and workload was so much more. i finished the week feeling accomplished, which is both refreshing and different.

you know... today (friday the 15th) was so great in so many ways. i had that same stars aligning feeling. because yesterday was also great.

but tonight derailed and i'm right back in the pickle i stay in. and? i didn't even see it coming.

i should say, first, that i am exhausted. i worked yesterday (thursday) after cleaning my room while mike hogged the bathroom. i took a five minute shower and let him go. forty minutes later, my room was spotless and stocked with condoms near the bed, to avoid the mood spoiling digging that occured on date night number 1. see? i can be taught! i woke up at 8 and got to work just after 10. my goal had been 930.

i closed. it was dead. i was daydreamy and not in the mood to work. but i did. and i got everything done ahead, so i was ready to roll at 605.

biked home, and cleaned up a tiny bit, knowing matthew was coming over, instead of the two of us going out somewhere to try to watch two games simultaneously.

matthew is a lot of fun. he likes hockey, which, whatever, but he taught me the basics while we flipped between hockey and the phils game.

we drank, we made out, he gave me a back rub, i reciprocated.

then some other things happened which were fun. ordered in. and then we ate our pizza and wings and went to bed, as stuffed as we could get. as mutually agreed upon.

it was so sweet, he told me i was comfortable after he thanked me for letting him stay in.

waiting a week for a warm boy tangled up with me was pretty easy, all things considered.

it kinda flew by.

and it just reminds me how great it is to have a warm body there. i don't know. i have missed it this past year. but i was missing it for so many years that everything feels like forever ago.

he woke up for work at 615 again, and i started my day by having a stoop smoke at 645 this morning (friday). when he drove past and waved goodbye, i was on dating site messaging back alot about our date.

heartless bitch? mayhaps. but i'm glad for another date. in keeping with the whole not-getting-attached, trying-new-things, playing-the-field, seeing-what's-out-there, single life, i feel like i HAVE to.

i came in and got a shower and felt fantastic. i dressed for the weather we had yesterday, where it was upper 60s. and froze all day, because it was upper 50s. and i was lower half of pantlegs and a coat away from being comfortable.

but i felt great and didn't care. i was only cold between the car and the house and the office, and for half of my bike ride. because that's how long it takes for body heat to make you sweat from exercise.

so i went to the office first, and so super early, that i was the only person there besides the guy who owns it. i usually roll in at 12 at the earliest. today i was there before 9. i couldn't even buy beer and smokes on the way into delaware, because i was so early.

got there, did my stuff. felt great, despite a boy-caused lack of sleep. i drank a ginormous dunkin coffee, and got shit done. which was super effective, so much less chaotic with an empty office. i was focused. because i had to leave before 11 to make it to suck store on time. which barely allowed a trip to the beer and cigarette store on my way out of town.

but my sweet ass timeline derailed, as per the usual, when i had to depend on other people in the office on the next to last day of tax prep.

and it was 1115, and i was still stuck there. and then racing to get to suck store. i didn't have time to stop, but literally ran into the cigarette store and back out in about one minute, into beer store next door and back out in under five.

i was on a mission.

i succeeded. and nothing blew up.

i got onto 95 with plenty of time.

and then got caught in a parking lot traffic jam. so stressed on time, but at the same time feeling so great. because it was SO NICE. and my music was so perfect. i was in the best mood from hanging out with matthew. and so excited about joey. and just in love with spring.

and trapped in my car.

and wouldn't you know, as i pulled off the interstate, cat texted me all this 'holy shit! no no no!' stuff. saying that it was next friday.

i pulled over to calm down. which is apparently something that i do now. i guess because it involves my phone. and also because i don't want to think so hard while navigating.

i was so mad that i was so tired because i'd killed myself to get there on time, instead of taking a nap after he left and rolling into work at 10, which would be early for a friday.

and then realized i'd gotten a half day, didn't have to work suck store. my weekend came early.

i went home to unload everything. and i knew in my mind that there was no way in hell joey would go to my store, but felt like biking in the weather. so i went to hang with kim and pam.

i actually did about an hour's worth of work, but mostly gabbed.

i was sitting to eat food because i didn't have time to stop. i spend a lot of time looking out the window next to my store. i see kit walk by from time to time, so i'm always looking. and the running joke is, 'are you looking for that boy?'. whichever boy it happens to be that particular day.

i was so worried that joey thought i had his number, and so determined to make plans and pin him down. but was trying not to stress on it.

and i took a big bite, and happened to turn around and look out the window. and what did i see? joey's fresh haircut, bouncing by...

the store is elevated. unless you're standing, you don't see people walking below. i was sitting on double milk crates, because that's what we all do to take a 'break'. and he's so fucking tall, i saw him.

i banged on the window. frantically, smiling.

kit has never heard me. but joey did.

and he smiled up and waved.

i assumed he was on his way in.

he came around the front of the building, and the girls were 'holy shit' and 'oh my god' and freaking out with giggling tea.

only he crossed the street and kept walking.

pam said, 'he's not coming in!'

and it was like something out of a national geographic nature channel program. i stood up and ran through the lobby to the front door after him.

and saw him turn a corner into a building that leads to a path where i'd never find him.

so i ran through the middle of the street after him. click clicking in my crocs, faster than lightning. i yelled, 'joey', and he didn't hear me. so i yelled again and he turned around, as i said 'don't make me chase you!' laughing.

he gave me a hug and said he was late to a meeting, had to run, but that he'd be back in 20.

i said i was waiting for kit (i was) and that i'd be around for 30 minutes.

he wrinkled up his face, like i'd be gone or something.

so i said, 'it's cool - i'll wait for you.'

and he was off and i walked back inside. fucking WINDED.

i'd already had about ten cigarettes and a twenty minute windy bike ride. it took the full thirty minutes to recover.

kit never showed, and i decided i'd stay until close, talking to the girls, to see if kit made it.

joey returned a bit later.

totally bypassed the food and register, aiming straight for me.

he's just so funny and cool.

and, as i said before, completely random.

the first thing he said was, 'sorry i didn't shower today. i'm kinda funky.'

which cracked all of us up.

i was on the end of the bar, he was standing next to me for a minute, but then leaned back relaxing against the condiment stand, asking me when was a good day for me, and the girls went about their business.

i asked if he was busy sunday. he said he wanted to hang at night, so i ruled it out because i had to be up so early on monday (today) for suck store. 10 pm meetup and waking up at 545 would have been a royal fucking disaster. even i know my limits, and a bad idea when i hear one.

he remembered i had bowling on saturday night. so he stood there for a second, thinking. and i took an excited breath and asked if he had plans that night.

he scrunched up his face again, kinda staring deep in thought. and said that he didn't think so.

so we said 10. it was 330. i was cracked out exhausted, and decided silently to go home to nap.

he put his number in my phone, under his last name. and split out quickly, saying he'd see me later.

the girls had given us some space, but when he was leaving, told him his haircut was super cute.

i reiterated the point, and he was gone.

there was squealing, and jumping up and down, and high fives, and hugs.

way to nail it down, tea. leave no room for misinterpretation. commit. and execute.

then i was on another mission. biking home. take an ativan, drink a beer, and take a four hour nap.

only i had texted my girls that i had a date with him, and spent over an hour on the phone, telling nina what happened.

as i was leaving, kit was arriving. so we walked together. i told her what happened on our way to the bus. she got on the bus and i biked.

it's pretty funny that bikes and buses travel at the same right, when traffic is taken into account.

she got off the bus as i rolled up on my bike. i jumped off, and we picked up the conversation with the details of her day. she was leaving for a family dinner, and i biked home.

i made it into bed at 530, with a pbr ativan coctail in my system. too excited to sleep. and wrote the majority of this post. i'd put my phone on silent and set my alarm for 9, to have time to shower and get ready and bike to his place.

and at 630, i was still awake, and looked over to see he had texted me.

and my heart was all aflutter. and then, broken.

he broke the date. he had forgotten he had plans that night after all, with a friend he hadn't seen in months. wanted to reschedule.

i was so super bummed. understatement. it felt a little like the end of the world. loosely. and i tried to play it cool when i texted him back. saying that sunday day could be fun if he was up for it.

and immediately wrote another text saying i swear i'm not a brat, and that we can put it off until this week, because we can listen to records and drink anytime, when science and coffee allow.

i recovered it well, i thought. and he said that was cool, that he'd taken a nap and sorry for the delay in getting back to me. that he has a huge paper due on thursday.

and said he'd have a lot of free time this coming weekend, after this paper was behind him.

so i agreed, and said i'd accept a bit of information in exchange for breaking our plans. and said hi to apple, and that we'd drink some beer to celebrate the paper being finished.

he hahaha'd me back. and that was the end of that.

not a peep since.

and that's the story of how i came to the bummer night, when i almost made a slew of mistakes, because i'd chilled out thinking i had a date, and suddenly the only boy i wanted to see wouldn't see me...

it was so stark, compared to the way my day went to allow me to turn around and happen to see him.

who knows? if i hadn't, i might have left, and then he would have come by when i wasn't there. if cat hadn't screwed me up, i'd have been in delaware. or at suck store.

it just felt like twenty things had gone right to allow us to plan the date. and then when it backfired, it was the worst feeling.

but i say it often... you have to know the lows to recognize the highs.

but friday? friday was the opposite. i had to know the highs to know just how low i felt. it felt like winter again. it felt like inattention on dating site. it felt like loneliness. impossibility.

and it left me alone with my thoughts. and it wasn't pretty.

i'm fine with it now. i know that things will happen when they're supposed to. and i was so glad when i woke up with my period saturday morning, alone, in my own bed.

because, holy shit. that would have SUCKED.

it will all go the way it is supposed to.

this is kit's birthday weekend. i have plans on friday and on saturday. so here's to hoping that he wants to hang out on sunday. or doesn't mind a birthday hazy slightly drunk tea showing up at his doorstep on saturday night.

he'd better do the right thing. and he'd better get in touch with me soon. i have a feeling this will be the trick to him. i think that his science life is so fucking crazy right now that he can't think ahead. kit and i discussed it. she said he's probably walking around kinda dazed that it's happening now, too, like i am. because we have a pretty good idea of where he's at in his studies. asking permission to graduate, working on his dissertation all hours, doing last minute projects to tie up loose ends, and meeting with committees who determine his fate.

and here comes little tea, asking him out on a date. two years too late. hopefully not too late.

he seems like the kind of dude who would just fly by the seat of his pants randomly. and for a girl who feels like her time is suddenly limited (after having no one tugging at me for months in a row) and who cannot function without her iphone calendar telling her where to be the next day and who to meet with and where at night, i need a little heads up. because this is the one boy i'm clearing my calendar for...

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