parent to children. april 17th, part 2.

so after that whole perfect date thing, i came home like five hours after i'd planned to. i knew after the weekend i'd had that i needed some alone time. some relaxation time. i knew that i needed to be alone and in bed for as long as possible before waking up stupid early for suck store.

i guess i got home from a two smoke conversation with kit on her stoop after my date at around six.

i probably grabbed a beer. the details are foggy to me now.

i probably grabbed a smoke.

and then, i'm mostly positive i called nina to fill her in on everything. we probably talked for over an hour.

then i think i called kit, too. because i think she had some digesting to do, and wanted to talk about it after. i can't remember now. and it was only three days ago! i think kit might have come after i called my parents. maybe nina, too. can. not. remember.

so i called mom and dad, who had called while i was making art on perfect date.

told them i'd call them later, when they were close to the state line. they'd gone to aubree's regatta four states away from hometown.

and i dove RIGHT in.

aubree had told mom about her girlfriend when i was home this summer. and it never came up with dad. but we talked a couple weeks ago, and he was talking about how bitchy mom was being, and how he doesn't know if something is going on between aubree and her girl, but that if something is going on, mom's going to alienate her and lose her.

i bit my tongue. because it wasn't mine to tell. but told her about it. i told her that i thought he was ready.

and two weeks later, he'd had the same conversation with aunt mimi, who also knew. and the two of us said, just do it.

so she did.

so i called. and had him put me on speakerphone. which was funny, because he kept taking me off of it, without me knowing. so i thought they could both hear me, only i was talking to just him for the most part.

and i got right into it. i said, i talked to aubree. she said that she'd told you what has been going on, so i wanted to talk to you both about it.

and for the next 45 minutes, we talked about it. at it's worst, the conversation was dad spouting sodom and gamorrha bible verses at me. and telling me that aubree was just making this decision because she's surrounded by lesbians. that the harder they make it on her to be a lesbian, the more likely she is to correct herself and go straight for god.

i struggled with saying things that i felt i had to say, versus saying the things that i wanted to scream at them.

what i said was: she is your daughter. if you think what she is doing is a sin, then it's the same as my divorce, which is a sin to (their) god. and that they have to love her. and that both of our 'sins' are forgiven. and that i wish that, like when i told them that i'd already left ever, they'd tell her the same thing they told me: that they love me, and that they just want me to be happy.

i said that she is in love. that she is in a more loving, and a better relationship than i'd ever been in, and longer than any i'd been in until i was married.

that christianity teaches that god loves everyone, no matter their choices. that killers and gays and thiefs are all the same in god's eyes. same as people who have a bad thought, if sin is sin.

that (their) god is a loving god, that it's not our job to judge each other. that we should treat each other the way we want to be treated and love each other, not condone hate.

it fucking KILLS ME that mom said she's an abomination to god. that by being in love with a woman, she is spitting in his face. that she is a disgrace. that she's humiliated.

maybe now is the time to drop the atheist religion-hating bomb on them. take a little pressure off. but they might self-destruct with two heathen daughters. which is why i did not. i don't want them to worry with my salvation.

what i wanted to say, but didn't, is that it's all such a self-propagating hate spiral, where they think they're better just because they are a man and a woman. that my failed marriage was better than her loving relationship, because it was between a man and a woman. that i'm somehow better. starting over at 33. that it would have been better for me to have a baby with ever than it will be for her to have a kid someday.

dad said he will be understanding, but that he will NEVER support gay couples having a kid, in any fashion. which is just so fucked up.

mom's breakdown, which spawned this whole thing with telling dad was fucking ROUGH.

she told aubree that she was throwing her future away. that she'll never have a wedding (she will, if it's ever the right thing for her, because thankfully society is progressing toward a more open mindedness about gays loving as much as straights do, or failing as much as straights). that she'll never have a baby.

and, credit to aubree for thinking when mom was spouting this bullshit at her, for saying that she might not get married anyway, and that she will have a kid. to which mom said, 'with a woman? like on grey's anatomy???'

my thing is, aubree is the closest she's ever been to being so far ahead of her game in terms of her future. she had this idea, i can't remember writing it here, to come here for the summer, for her internship to graduate in august. her coursework is pretty much done. one more week.

and because i work in hospitals, and at an ivy league school, i posted a note at each about opportunities. and don't you know that i got her an internship at the ivy league school.

it's equal parts awesome, because she's going to have this huge awesome fucking thing on her curriculum vitae, and that i get to live with her here for the summer. three full months.

i'm so excited i can hardly stand it. and tomorrow i'm (hopefully) sealing the deal. which is just one piece of paper, contractual, between the two schools. and then it will be done. and she'll be here in two weeks.

so i feel like she is so future focused. so future oriented. and mom just sees her as this person who is limiting her choices and her future, because she happens to love a woman right now.

aubree fights the label. she doesn't want to be called a lesbian. and i get that. what she says is that she's just in love with a woman right now. and if it ends, then she doesn't know who she would like next. her mistake was giving mom and dad false hope that she'll 'straighten' out down the road, if things with her girlfriend don't work out.

what i personally believe is that she'll always love women. that her high school boyfriends (one is gay, and one was the perfect boy for marrying, until he went away to college/joined a frat/became a total fucking douche) were a phase of trying to fit in to what the church said she should be doing with her love.

and one thing i did say to them was, 'what? so you want her to fake straight so she can go to church, and marry a man, and look like she's happy when she's miserable?' i named this guy who has always been at their church. who is the gayest fucking gay man that ever walked the planet. who has a wife. and goes to church. you KNOW he loves dick. he walks it, talks it, acts it. and you know he thinks it. but god is so crammed down his throat that he can't be himself.

and i asked if that was really what they want for their daughter. to know that she'd never truly be happy, for the sake of faking straight to make them and their church approving of any relationship she was in.

and i didn't really get an answer. but i planted that seed.

not that anything can grow in a homophobic vacuum. but whatever.

it was an ultimately frustrating conversation. i was so mad, and trying to tone it down, for the sake of keeping the line of communication open with them about it, so they have at least me to talk to about how they feel and think about it.

i felt like i was parenting my parents. like they were the scared, confused, upset little kids. with backwards logic and hate in their hearts. it was awful.

and after 45 minutes of talking like that, in circles about their religion and how i see things differently than they do, but respect what they think and feel (i do not), in an effort to get them to vent to me so i can work on them underhandedly, mom got on the phone.

and she said, 'so what's going on with ever?'

which was a very different 30 minute conversation. from one awful topic to another. from one topic that frustrates me to one that depresses the shit out of me.

and i told them EVERYTHING. how he drank when we were dating. how he was on methadone after being a heroin addict for five years, two years before i met him. how i drove from work for a week and spent the night with him while he kicked methadone.

that he quit drinking then, too. and that everything was fine for years. that he drank on two separate trips home. once when he was bored. once when his grandfather died. that each time he started with a six pack. one time ended there inside a couple hours. the other included a couple bottles of wine. and during his temper tantrum when aubree and her crew were here. and lied about it.

and i'd already told them about the secret weed smoking when we were broke, but added that to the pile.

i told them that ever's story would make aubree's look like a cakewalk.

and i guess it kinda did.

minds were blown. obviously they had no clue. nor that he'd overdosed and been brought back three times. or been to rehab four.

so when i said that he was using heroin again, and that's what i was freaking out about, it all made sense.

mom told me i did the right things. calling his mom, not being involved, trying to get his friends to intervene, trying to get puppy out of there if possible.

and that i didn't do anything i shouldn't have done.

which i already knew. but it was nice to hear it anyway.

between the two halves of the conversation, when i could no longer take anymore, i was completely fucking FLOODED. emotionally, mentally, physically (i chain smoked and drank the whole time in an effort to keep going and to deal, which is a funny thing to do when discussing addictions). i hung up frustrated. upset. distraught. knowing that they will continue on their way home, and have a lot of shit to talk about how casual i am about the whole aubree-being-gay thing. and how i kept such a gigantic secret from them. i didn't tell them about his time spent in jail. that would have been too much to get into. later. there's always later, in the vein of full disclosure.

i got off the phone, with a broken voice, and tears in my eyes. telling my parents that i love them. that i am so grateful that they are my parents. that i hope they'll talk to me if they need to talk. and that i'm here for them.

it was a very difficult conversation. and i had to be up for suck store the next morning, so i was about three hours of relaxing behind schedule. i think that was when i started telling nina and kit what had happened.

and going through it all after going through it all had me so wound up. i couldn't drink enough to turn it off. i couldn't smoke enough cigarettes to turn it off.

and to think that i'd just had the best day i'd had in AGES right before that call was devastating.

i'd come home so full of hope and happiness. and then gone all rock bottom style, talking about aubree and ever's rock bottom. luckily, i did manage to pick up the conversation in the end, talking about their trip up to move aubree and work on the house with me.

so that pepped them up a little. and helped me, too. but still.

i got into bed sick and upset. angrier than i have been in a long time. i wanted to scream. i wanted to break something.

and instead, i just laid in bed. staring at my ceiling. listening to chill music. my new 'makeout mix' which is hopeful. i have yet to make out to it.

and then put on the universe and watched almost two episodes before passing out and getting a quick five hour nap before going to suck store on monday.

it was awful. i won't soon recover. i just hate the situation. i hate that my sister has this whole road ahead of her, where she has to fight for her mind. her heart. her body. everything. against parents, who should be the only people you never have to fight. it fucking BLOWS.

but she's a tough kid. i told them that her time here will be so good for so many reasons. her girl is now out of the country. which is horrible for the two of them, but good for my parents having time to process things. and because i was in a distanced relationship from ever, i can say that it will provide clarity to each of them individually. where i learned about all the bad things about ever and continued on anyway, they will probably realize just how much they truly love each other. and proving that they can survive continents' worth of distance over next six months to a year will speak volumes about how they feel about each other. their love will grow.

because she's leaving florida to be here, where things are so open minded and accepting. and specifically non-religious. or maybe specifically non-southern baptist. she's coming up here to do some work that will catapult her into (hopefully) her top choice school, when paired with her brain surgery story.

not being two hours from parents will let her focus on herself, and will allow her to do what she wants with her time, instead of creating choices between who she spends time with, late night drives back and forth to appease mom instead of studying, and generally allowing her a nurturing environment to grow up in, without being so stifled by god and church and family.

she won't have to answer to them unless she chooses to take their calls. she won't feel like she's under constant scrutiny, because i love who she is as a person, and i love who she is as a grown adult. making adult choices that are not always easy.

and i apologized in advance to mom and dad, saying that two things could happen. either she'll come here and love it, and get the same itch her big sister got, to be free and live somewhere different. or she'll realize that she's a fish out of water, who misses florida (i cannot fathom that this would be the case), who misses seeing her parents every couple weeks (again, is it possible?). i never got along with them until i moved as far away as possible (tahoe). it was only when i returned home, broken hearted, defeated, yet somehow grown up and rejuvenated, that i wanted to go back to school committed fully to it.

i hope that she gains all of these things. it's my job as her big sister. i'm so happy i could help her. and hopefully tomorrow it is finally final, so i can clean the house and prepare the room that she will call home from may until august. when i fly home with her, for her graduation from university.

like a mama bird pushing her baby out of the nest, which is something my mother will fight, because she is the baby, i will only do it when i know she has a fighting chance. when i know that she can do it. when i know that she can do more than just survive.

to get ultra fucking sappy, i'm so so ready for her to take flight. her life is going to change completely, in every possible way, in the next two weeks. and i am so full of love and happiness and excitement for her. i cannot wait for her to get here and be with me. to see that things don't have to be so hard. that life doesn't have to be a struggle when you are who you are, and no one is trying to change you.

man. i love that kid. i can't fucking WAIT!

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