alotta ketchup from saturday. may 17th.

it's brownies' birthday today.

i have been m.i.a.

i apologize, if anyone has been checking. somehow, i feel like my readership has dwindled anyway. or that i have lost things to say that are either important to anyone but me, or relevant to anyone but me.

but mostly, i think i'm avoiding problems and afraid to say what's on my mind.

i miss writing here. i have been intending to write here for over a week. and i have been too wrapped up in too many other things. like paper journal. but also, just LIFE. and being busy.

matthew just flaked on me for the third time. and i was actually fighting tears when i processed his text. and i have no idea why. i think it was an underlying sadness, and i think it's probably weather related. but maybe it's because i felt like i had him under control. and apparently i don't.

because i really wanted to make out last night. it's been missing lately. and because this is the third time he's flaked on our plans in the last week. he set this up. and bailed on me. for sushi. really? the only thing i won't eat. dickhead.

i could see, if i had asked him three times in a row, and he flaked everytime. because that's just his roundabout way of letting me know he's not interested anymore.

but he made these plans. after flaking on me twice, last sunday and monday. whatever.

i don't need it. i was more angry that i didn't make plans with other people instead. not that i was specifically not hanging out with him. i mean, i'm on the dot, so whatever. it's not like i was going to laid.

so i'm putting him in the drop pile. he and joey can fight for the spot of lamest dude ever.

and being banished to suck store? well... it sucks. i miss the girls. and have too much time alone to think about how i feel about the little reject pile of boys, i guess. not another word from joey. it was not a mistake. but it is still a bummer. i wanted to be something just on THIS side of a conquest. has it been a month? nearly, if not. and not a peep.

i guess the biggest thing i have to write about is greg. try to keep up...i know the list of boy names is dizzying. but this one shouldn't be limited to one post (equivalent to one night stand). in fact, i wonder if maybe i should have given him a fake name right off the bat.

this one scares me. because i haven't even met him yet and i'm already swirly. which is nothing new. but this? this time it's DIFFERENT. and i probably write that every time. but this time i really really mean it. f'reals.

aubree has had a wonderful first week. i mean, the job itself is pretty boring and kindof sucks, i think, but she's happy to be up here and finishing off school.

and i did manage to pull plans together to have a little party for her at the house. it was awesome. kim and her boy, lauren, kit and a friend, pam, and kim all made it. and we had a lot of fun together. this after an epic first half of my day...

alice, greg, and i had plans to hang out on saturday, before aubree's party. in my brain, i had it all figured out.

we were meeting at the bar at 1. and then going to this game room. like a big kids arcade i guess. and then they were going to come over to the party. and then i was going to make out with greg all night and cuddle. neither alice nor greg were aware of anything after the arcade bit.

and when it was raining, and greg had family dinner, and then there were two big events in the city that day, alice told greg we'd do it another time.

i'm not gonna lie... i was mega bummed. i had been waiting something like eight months to meet this guy. and it was FINALLY happening. i was getting ready. and alice said, 'he's not coming'.

i was bummed. like, 'what the shit?!?!' bummed.

but biked to alice at the bar. i got halfway there, maybe six blocks from the house. and i'm cruising along at a good clip on my bike, through a sweet pocket of bars and restaurants and shops. and i happen to look to my right.

and who's standing on the street? ever.

i couldn't believe it. why is he in my hood? where our friends could be? he was with a girl. she was short like me, skinny like me, with brown hair in a ponytail like me. but i only saw her from the back.

and i am so fucking glad that my reaction was to smile. i don't know how that was my reaction. because i was so mad that he was so close to me, geographically. and i don't know how i didn't frown from seeing him, because that is why i need botox.

and his face was PRICELESS. he kinda turned his head to the side, like the retarded dog on hyperbole. and his eyebrows were drawn in, and his forehead was all scrunched up. like he was completely confused by seeing me fly past him on the bicycle he bought for me.

and i laughed while i rode the next three blocks to the bar.

but when i got off my bike? i started to shake. the craziness of happening to look up and happening to see him when i happened to ride the specific way i did (i never go that way) at the exact moment when he happened to be standing on the sidewalk looking at me was just too much for my feeble brain to process.

and i walked into the bar, not smiling. and i was happy to see alice, but i was not feeling well. it was like the normal just-stopped-riding-fast heart rate, and the sweating-while-it's-cool out gross feeling. and the buzz of seeing him.

it was the sick realization that he isn't confined to his apartment. and he isn't afraid to be in my neighborhood. where the people he stole from hang out. and isn't afraid to do it with a girl, either.

and i sat down, and started smoking (because this bar is cool like that), and they bought me a shot. of patron. that came served up in a rocks glass. that was nearly full. the sight of it made my stomach turn. it was easily a long double or short triple shot of tequila.

it was one. on saturday. to that point, i'd had two iced coffees. and nothing to eat, because i wasn't hungry yet.

alice was already drunk. so was everyone else who had gotten there sometime between 730 am when they open and 1030 when most people show up. by one, i was the only sober person in the place. and in under half an hour, i was excluded. no one was sober. not a single soul.

and it became clear, rather quickly, that both alice and i needed to get the hell out of the bar. only bad things were going to happen there. so we walked to her place with our bikes in the pouring rain. stumbling, tippy bikes.

it was quite a sight, made more interesting by one of the festivals that had kept greg from joining us. it was insanity in her neighborhood.

so we got to her place. and smoked, and drank water. eventually i made some pesto pasta for us.

because greg hadn't made it, and because alice was silly, she said that we should watch his favorite movie. that he had given her his copy. and that i would love it and that we should watch it.

so we did. and then she was feeling better, and i knew i was primed for biking. she'd put my soaking wet shirt in the dryer (wearing a camisole tank that day was the best idea i've ever had!) so i wouldn't have to be in a soaking wet shirt all day.

and i don't know what got into me. but i got on facebook. and messaged greg, despite not having ever talked to him before, and not being his friend or anything.

and i said that i'd gotten alice home safely. and that i thought he would want to know that she made me watch true romance.

and i don't know what i expected out of him. i don't know that i expected anything. hoped, yes. expected? nope.

my shirt was still damp, but didn't bother me so much, when i biked home.

i was biking home, a little tipsy, but mostly super hungry and dehydrated, and fearful of having the sobriety/stamina/energy for setting up the party i'd announced, but not really planned at all.

and it was about 5, i guess. so i sucked it up. and went home wiped out and feeling utterly defeated. i hadn't invited matthew, because he'd implied that he was busy, and because i'd really hoped greg would be over instead.

but he wasn't. but you know what? within an hour and a half, by the time i came home from alice's, i had a note back. and the last line said that it was only fair, now that i knew his favorite movie, that he knows mine.

and as per the usual with matthew, i was glad later that i didn't invite him. because everyone else had been there on my birthday, so everyone else knew each other. and aubree had the perfect number of guests. we drank the perfect number of drinks. no one got sick. yay. and had the perfect amount of fun.

i think it had been three weeks since i had seen kit. almost to the day. i could be wrong. but i was on the phone with nina, mid-story, when she walked in. so i wrapped up the call, and went up to my room to clean up, in case anyone showed up who felt the need to look in there. and kit came into the doorway. and we hugged it out.

and when i went to break the hug after a long minute, she said she wasn't done yet. so we hugged it out some more.

i'm really glad that things are patched up. and that we're going to see a show together on friday.

and that the STAR PARTY is in eight fucking days. i'm coming out of my skin with excitement for that!!

we played apples to apples, which is my absolute favorite.

and when everyone started playing poker, i only watched. and then lauren caught my eye and asked to catch up.

and we sat outside, in the sprinkling rain, talking for well over half an hour. i knew that we'd be missed, but we had a lot to talk about from each of our lives since we'd seen each other last. all of it heavy, and perfectly appropriate for being rained on. and for sitting on wet benches and getting wet jeans.

and then it started to really rain, so we went back in to join the party.

and not too much later, kit had to leave, because she was exhausted from a very physical day. and lauren fell asleep sometime after 1, and i think the house was empty by 145. it was quite the party, saying as it had started before 7, when kit and her friend from back home brought aubree back from the regatta.

and that was saturday. because it's time to leave suck store for the day, i'm splitting this post in half.

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