scared. may 19th.

yeah. that was saturday.

sunday through today is a blur of emotion.

something is happening.

and i'm very afraid of it.

it would be easy, were i not a headcase, to put on the brakes. and force myself to stop worrying/being afraid/thinking/getting excited.

but i am.

so i'm scared.

the overwhelming feeling i am having right now is, 'oh SHIT.'

because without having met this boy yet, we've spent hours and hours corresponding to each other over email. and so far, i can't stop thinking that i have not met someone who is this much the boy version of me since COFFEE.

and we all know about coffee. he fucked my shit up for thirteen years.

this boy is different, in that he is interested, and acting like it, and saying it. we take turns thanking each other and saying how exciting this whole thing is. i mean, back in the day, coffee said enough to me to get his claws in me. but once i was on the hook, it stopped.

i think another thing that scares me is that i am mostly certain that i am not ready.

yeah, i waited a YEAR. yeah, i say i don't want a 'boyfriend' for another year. or at least until the fall. but i'm fresh off the heels of several mistakes right now. misjudging boys, fucking around, getting my feelings hurt anyway. realizing that i am perfectly capable of fucking boys that i don't care about. but that it didn't get me any further than i was before i started doing that. it was fun, yeah. but it was also fizzle crash and burn before it even took off.

so i'm afraid of making more mistakes. and while i'm grateful that the timing didn't work out until this coming saturday, i worry that it's still not the right time.

because i'm too excited. and i'm already thinking excited thoughts. because he is, too. he said yesterday, in an email, that he is glad i decided not to move home, because now we get to hang out and have fun together.

i haven't even MET him yet.

so i guess how this happened, is that the timing wasn't right. because it wasn't, i sent a note. because i sent a note, he sent one back and asked a question. and when i sent one back, a good bit longer than the first, i asked a question or two. and apologized for the length of the message.

and he said he was into it. and answered and asked a couple.

so in the last five days, we're up to about 15 emails, i would guess. and they all consist of these 'oh, me, too!' things. little tiny associations. mentioning random connections, and having most of everything in common.

and what's more? i can't find anything wrong with him. i mean, i knew on day one with matthew and joey exactly what was wrong with them, which put them in a category in my brain that kept me from getting too caught up.

i don't know. he's great. there is NO DRAMA. we're making back up plans for our plans in case it rains. and he's already telling me things he wants to show me/do with me, based on what i tell him i've missed out on to this point in my life.

and i'm forcing myself to not ask him over on friday night. and to not ask him over on saturday night. meeting up at noon on saturday (last i checked) leaves an entire day open to whatever. i have no plans on sunday. and i'm honestly super hoping that he stays over on saturday, and that sunday is either brunch or cooking breakfast for him.

with the getting carried away...

it's just going to be interesting to be sitting across from him. to hear his voice. to see his eyes. i don't know. i've never gotten to know someone like this before. i mean, i had a four hour texting conversation with matthew. but this has become something that we do for hours a day.

yesterday he said that i'm amazing. and thanked me for making him feel better. and among other things, says he can't wait to read what i write next.

is he too good to be true? how is he single? how is he not married with a trophy wife and 2 kids, a dog, and a picket fence?

i've never been with someone who owned their house before. it's just crazy how together he is. and that's all part of it, too. like this guy won't need me to do anything for him, and i won't need him to do anything for me. and we can just be, and travel around and do shit together that we've both been putting off until now. now, when we have an excuse to do it.

the only thing that puts my brain at ease is that he lives near suck store and works on the other side of the river. so it's not like he lives in south phila a few blocks away. knowing that he'll be elsewhere most of the time means that i don't have to worry about the not-coming-up-for-air angle that these things can tend to have. with me, in particular.

i don't know. i still have that feeling, i don't want to be anyone's girlfriend. and i don't want to fall in love. i don't want to be so super smitten. i don't want anyone to change my mind about anything i've been convinced of this last year.

and it is fucking me up that this guy could be the guy who changes any one of those things. the one who breaks my already broken heart. the one that i make exceptions for. the one i want to be with all the time.

i fear that i can't handle it. and i think it's justified, because it's all i can think about, talk about, write about, breathe. and really, honestly? because last week, it was something completely different. how can things be so intense? how can i bounce again.

i'm really glad that i'm good alone. and that i proved that to myself. because that is one thing i have got under control. but all this emotional shit? all the thinking? all the worrying and stressing? i have NO control over any of it.

i'm grateful to have a shrink appointment on monday. i feel like i need a double session. part for what i've been going through, and part for what greg represents to me at a completely premature point in time. at least, i'll have one date under my belt at that point.

i'd never wish it on myself, but part of me wishes that saturday happens, and everything falls flat. just to show me what getting ahead of myself mentally can do. like thinking he'd make a horrible boyfriend. or thinking that it's no wonder he's single and excited to talk to me.

but i just cannot fathom that being the case.

and i've talked to both nina and lauren about this. and aubree, too, i guess.

i have punished myself long enough. i have had all this guilt over feeling selfish about leaving ever. and forced myself to miss out on a lot of fun and good times, because i thought i deserved it.

and now? as soon as i think i'm ready to take a stab at meeting people and being open to possibilities (barely open, but still...), i make four mistakes out of the gate, and then meet this guy??

am i destined to fuck it up? will i pull a coffee maneuver, and get all smitten only to watch him run from me screaming?

if only i could shut it off. stop thinking. stop writing about it.

but then my inbox has a new message.

and now i have one more thing to be excited about.

his name is greg. he's one of alice's best friends.

and i have two days until he is standing in front of me. it's making my stomach totally sick. in a nervous and super excited kindof a way.

i am scared.

No comments:

Post a Comment