memorial day 2011. may 30th.

i can see saturn from my deck. it's sad, of course, to not be able to get a better look, but i'm okay with it.

this weekend? simply amazing.

i'm struggling to put words on things. i'm struggling to write now. i want to spill it, but don't know how to even explain what i want to spill.

i'm having so much guilt right now. because aubree is most likely asleep, after having a lame memorial day. which is something that would never have happened if she was back home.

it is SO HOT here.

i have never been more grateful for central air as i was this weekend, once i returned from dark sky park.

once we rolled in from the trip, i got the car unpacked and cleaned out, then showered to go to greg's.

and i swear i was sweaty as soon as i get out of the shower.

and i drove there so nervous, but nina talked me to his house, which helped me not freak out about it.

his house is awesome. so clean. so well done. like a pier one catalog. and painted in colors i'd have picked. i didn't tell him that i was picturing clover green in his guest room, when he said it would be a nice creamy green. it made sense. it was the color in my tahoe bedroom and the old apartment i picked with ever.

and everytime i complemented it, he thanked me. and when i said i liked it, he said he was glad, and that he hopes i'm in it a lot. too sweet.

a grown up house. it was such a turn-on. and he introduced his bedroom as his favorite room. it was spectacular. and his bed was very comfortable.

i'll spare details, but... just when i thought our first date couldn't get topped, we agreed that our second blew that one out of the water.

he asked if i'd seen his room, and i took his cue and said i couldn't remember where it was or what it looked like, that he should show me again. and we spent some time there, before picking up aubree, kit, and mike, and going to lauren's farewell party.

which was so much fun.

we had just been in the car together a few hours earlier. and continued that mayhem. with greg in tow, i worried that he'd be uncomfortable. or that we'd want to leave before it was acceptable.

we rolled in with the camping cooler full of leftover beer. which was trashy and awesome, all at the same time.

and we had drinks and we had fun. we mingled a little, and i left him a few times, with friends, to talk to other people. and everyone commented on how awesome he was.

so cute. it made me so happy. i've grown accustomed to people not getting along with or liking the boy i bring with me. and to having a wallflower attached to me.

for him to get in the middle of a bunch of people he didn't know, hit it off, and crack everyone up? it was awesome.

he told me several times today how much fun he had, and thanked me for taking him. it kinda blew my mind a little. because i told him a few times that i owed him a social favor and that i was sorry to drag him there. i didn't drag him - he wanted to go. but i guess that is just what i'm used to, so that's how i saw it.

we dropped them all off at favorite bar, and went back to his place. which was a fun ride, spent talking about music. i don't know. it was nice to have him in my car, taking him places where my friends are, so soon into our hanging out.

and when we got back, we watched a little tv before going to bed.

it was awesome. and i was awake, from star party schedule, and worried that i'd be able to sleep at all. but i had a couple smokes on his back deck, after i put him to sleep. and came back, smiling, to have him all tangled up with me.

we woke up at five, and were awake to see the sunrise. and then went back to sleep before getting up at nine for the day.

i slept so well. i slept and had dreams and woke up feeling fantastic. not once, but twice.

and i guess the thing of it is that it's a relief.

i was glad to not feel flooded there. i was glad to not cry. his house was so comfortable, and he asked many times if he could get me anything.

a guy? asking me if i need anything? getting a glass of water or a snack? i didn't know that boys knew how to do that! i am always the caretaker. and it was such a nice change, on his turf, to be treated like a lady, and to have things done for me.

lunch today made me feel a little out of sorts. i can't think of the last time a guy made food for me. he was going to make breakfast, but decided on fancy cheeses and olives instead. it was amazing.

i woke up to have a couple coffees. and he grabbed a beer. for america. which both cracked me up and made me want one as well. and i had one once my coffees were consumed. he said something about not drinking in the 'morning', and how funny it is that the only two mornings i've spent with him have included beers before 11.

i liked it. it's a fucking holiday. let there be beer! we resolved to do absolutely nothing all day. to watch a couple movies, some tv, and spend more than half of the day in bed.

it was my idea of a perfect day.

everything was just so wonderful. and having him tell me that i'm amazing, too many times to count, was wonderful.

i think it's funny that we really didn't talk much this time. random things as they came up. but not like the first time, where we spent hours and hours talking.

and part of me felt like it was because we had so much to say this week. and so much of it was about our headspaces. it made sense to just BE. and to process in real time.

i think that we didn't talk much, possibly because of what we have to say to each other.

i mean, i look at him, and he looks at me. and we BEAM at each other. it is the craziest thing. we just smile. the entire time we're together. and when we stop and catch each other's eyes, it starts all over again.

it's like nothing i have ever been a part of.

and i know, for me, that i didn't have anything to say that isn't scary for me. and maybe i'm just putting my issues and feelings on him, but i'm thinking that we're in the same boat and just haven't said it yet.

i wrote him that letter, and didn't even let him read it. not because it said too much, and not because i didn't want to. i didn't show it to him, because it wasn't necessary. it was mostly about the crying. and i mostly wrote it, and set it up that way, because i was afraid i was going to pull my shenanigans in front of him. but crying was the furthest thing from my emotions. because all i could do was smile.

and today, when i felt like i needed to say something to him, i said that i was in no rush, and had nothing going on, but that he could kick me out to have some unwind time alone before going back to work tomorrow.

and he said he did need a little.

so i guess i left at about six. we were curled up on the couch, after watching two different movies today, and knocking stuff off of our list, and i crawled up over him and said that i felt like it was time for me to go. and we just stayed curled up for a minute. and said to each other how much fun we had. how amazing it was. how wonderful it was. and made loose plans for a third date. after discussing the bar that we'd set on the first, and how the second somehow managed to top that. we're going to the movies this week, because he's out of town this weekend.

and we stayed like that for a while, before i said, 'if i don't get up right now, i'm not going to leave. so i'm going to leave now.'

and thanked him profusely for having me, feeding me, giving me drinks, and taking care of me. thanked him for having me over.

i like that we came up for a little air. i like that we rewarded ourselves for that, and for the movies we watched. i loved every second that i spent with him.

and he seemed quite content to have me there. which was a huge relief.

i don't know. things feel much better now than before. because i was afraid before, and i'm not afraid now.

i'm comfortable with how i feel about him, after spending all that time with him, and knowing that, this weekend, there was nowhere he'd have rather been than right there with me.

and if i get him once a week, i'll be okay with it. and try to worry less. because there is no rush with him. we're moving along at such a clip, there's no need to make things more complicated. and knowing that i don't want to see anyone else is matched by him telling me i'm the only person in his life getting his term of endearment.

when it comes up, once the silent enjoyment of each other's company passes, i'll gladly be his girlfriend. and tell him he's the apple of my eye and that there is no one else that will compare to him. that there's no one else i want to even try to meet, because i've found my match for the time being. there's no need to make it official, no matter how much i listen to the bird and the bee 'fucking boyfriend'.

i love that there's only one of everything at his house. and that, as far as living spaces go, we work quite well together. he offered me saline packets for my neti pot, because he didn't think it was weird that i use one every day, because he has one too.

and he thanked me for hanging my towel over the curtain rod when i got out of the shower, because he does that. i cleaned up after myself, and he did, too.

i think we work quite well together, in real life weekends of alternating between hanging out and letting ourselves go.

i can't wait to see what will happen next. he told me i'm comfortable. and that he really enjoys spending that much time with me. and i told him he makes me very happy. and we both said that the same was true about the other.

there's just nothing like seeing him smile at me when my eyes are open. when i catch him looking at me.

i loved when i asked how he was doing, and he said he was having a hard time trying to speak.

i loved it, because it's how i feel. and because there's nothing like that feeling of comfort, just floating there in it.

i'm swimming. and it's fine with me tonight.

i had an incredible weekend. dark sky, followed by two days and a night with him? it seems like i can't beat it. but i also know that we will.

it's the most exciting thing i've experienced in something like 14 years.

i still can't get over it. and i'm really fucking glad tonight. because i don't have to.

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