oscillations. june 1st.

holy fucking shit. it's JUNE.

how did that even happen?


this week is off to a very weird start.

i can't even say how i feel, because i don't even know.


things change at such a rate that i can't keep up with my own emotions, and i'm tired of trying to pinpoint what i'm feeling and trying to make sense of any of it.


i've been flowing between a lot of things, and right now? right now i feel nothing at all.

i can't figure out if it's because i'm scared, or if it's because i'm very aware of how vulnerable i am, and am making myself, to him. or if it's because i'm disappointed. or if it's because i'm the happiest i've been in years, particularly when i'm with him.


i can't tell if i'm subconsciously trying to quiet things, in an effort to preemptively deal with some sort of a loss that i hopefully won't have to experience, but am trained to have to.


all i know for certain is what i figured out.

it's what has been bothering me since monday night.

it's something i never thought about, until i signed up for dating site back in february, and started answering a bunch of questions on my profile about my preferences.


there was a question that said something about whether you need to hear from someone on a daily basis. and also something relating to wanting affirmations from your significant other.

and what i realized yesterday, feeling a little empty in the time between saying goodbye on monday and when i finally caved and texted him around lunch yesterday, is that i do.

yes to both. what's funny is that i put yes to one and no to another when i answered them. because at that time, i wasn't at all concerned with having a 'significant other'. call it what you want, dating is not like that. dating? i can skip a week. i don't ever need to have it.

and what i can't figure out is, since we're only dating, why it's so different to me in this case. why didn't it matter with anyone before him? and why does it matter now?


i'm a worrier. and if i'm not hearing something from that person, i will worry about things until i do.

even if, as is the case here, i have nothing to worry about at all. i know there is nothing to worry about, and i do it anyway.


because so much of this thing so far has been written, i swear that every time i hit the send button, i have a mini panic attack. and second guess every single thing i said in it, until i get a response. yesterday? at the post office? i almost asked for the letter back! like, 'nevermind! i'll just drop it in the mail some other time.'


i've been scaring boys away for so much of my life that i can't seem to come to grips with the fact that this one doesn't scare easily, and that i also seem to have turned down the scary knob as well.


even though i know there is nothing to worry about, even though he says so many things that should give me peace of mind, my head still goes there.


why am i worrying? it's making me crazy. why do i instinctively go to dark places, mentally? why can't i just enjoy this part and not stress on it?

where is the confidence i had a couple weeks ago? it is GONE. i mean, i feel great. i take a lot of time to make sure my best foot is forward all the time. but why can't i feel secure in this thing?


i think part of it is realizing that i want this weekend to happen every day. and it's just not possible. and it never will be. it's unrealistic.


this is what i would do before: say 'i like you', say 'i want to be with you', say 'i want to see you EVERY day'. and then go to great lengths to see that person every day. and cry when i didn't get to.


and because i'm not old tea anymore, i am grateful that i changed that about myself, while simultaneously turning down the crazy.

but it doesn't mean that i don't still WANT that. and it doesn't mean that i don't wish for a while, every day, that i could have it.


i know, in time... or maybe not ever. but not for me to worry about right now.


but i'm impatient. and actively working on fixing that about myself.


i'm trying to keep myself in check and trying to keep myself from freaking out. but on a daily basis, there is this lull. i feel a little sad, nonspecifically. and it's just because i want more.

i'm oscillating between being the happiest i've ever been, and completely terrified of getting more hurt than i've ever been. which is saying a LOT.


what's funny is that, since i wrote that letter to him up in cherry springs (the one i mailed yesterday), i haven't cried. which is a nice change. it will happen, i'm sure. it's probably only because i haven't gotten anything from him since then. strictly circumstance.

and who knows? maybe that phase is over and i won't cry any more.


i need to fucking settle down. i know that. and i don't know what chemical in my brain is missing that refuses to allow me to settle down and just be normal, like everyone else. to only enjoy the good stuff, and not be an emotional wreck/shitstorm.


my head today is doing this, just so you know what i'm contending with over here at suck store, all alone and bored and quiet:

i shouldn't have mailed that letter. he gave me his address, zip and all. for me to get to his place. so it's not creepy. or is it? should i have given it to him in person? why did i not give it to him this weekend, like i told him i would, so i could see his reaction and not have to wonder? will he remember giving me his address, to know how it's even possible that i got it there? i wrote it in another city, so it makes sense to mail a letter like that. right? it's like a postcard. RIGHT?? it's okay. he won't think it's weird. will he? he'll like it. right? i'd smile if i got a surprise letter in my mailbox from him. i wouldn't think it was weird. or creepy. i'd be flattered. and i'd smile. will he smile? will he frown? will he read it and say that it made his day? will he read it and run, like the recipient of every other letter to every other boy i have ever written? is he going to keep going along, like he did this weekend, in light of that massive email i sent him from dark sky park? because the letter in the mail is way less crazy than that, and instead of acting differently, things were the same. and even better than before, after i said all of that shit. is my instability i talked about going to raise a red flag? or is he going to tell me he's been having the same thing happen? i can't fathom that would be the case... do i tell him there's a letter before he gets home, or do i surprise him? i really can't figure that one out. but i'm committed now. and it's scary.


it sounds like that in my head. and all i can do now is wait. until either today or tomorrow when he checks his mail.

it makes my stomach hurt. because i don't have the option of undoing it now. it's in the mail. committed to being delivered. and subsequently received. and i don't know him well enough to know if he is like every other person in my life right now that i send letters to, who will love getting something in the mail from me. i hope so. i hope it's more good than weird. more sweet than scary. more awesome than not.

i guess i'll find out sometime later today, when he calls to set up our third date, and either mentions it or doesn't.


until then, i can't even succeed at distracting myself from it, because i can't think of anything to distract myself with. it's just sad.


and what's more? i'm perfectly aware that, if i'd chickened out on mailing it yesterday, i'd be sitting here worrying about something completely different! in exactly the same way/manner.

because i'm just that retarded.


whatever. i'll figure it out. or get used to it. one or the other.

i'll either stop wanting more, or get used to wanting more and not getting it, or get more. it's too soon to tell...


happy... swivel... content... swivel... sad-ish... swivel... content... swivel... happy.