june 27th.

i don't know what to call this post.

the quitter? the headache?

i know that things work themselves out, i do. and i know that they can come out in psychosomatic ways. physical ways.

a few very strange things happened to me tonight.

i had a few very brief cries. as soon as they started, they ended. one was imagined happiness, a conversation i haven't had. and a question i have not been asked.

the other? definitely too personal, but because it has NEVER happened to me before, i'll say it:

i cried while clearing my mind. more than once.

it was fucking WEIRD.

i had a chat with nina. and she told me that i need to run from nuvaring screaming, in essence. that it's made me a different person.

it's true.

i have not felt this bad. and not for this long. that i can remember. i mean, when i was with ever, in the end, i think that was the most i cried in my life. but i could go about my day. and get out of bed. and be motivated to do stuff. i was motivated to change my situation.

this is totally different.

this weekend? i just wanted it to be over. and now it is, and i'm back to work, because it's monday. and i want this week to be over. and then it's going to be a three day weekend. fucking INDEPENDENCE day. and i am already wishing for that to be over, because i am entirely convinced (negative thinking, buckle up) that i will home, alone, in bed, again. wishing it away.

it is the worst.

the problem is that i am stuck. in so many ways. stuck at my job, that i've been disenchanted with for a few weeks now. maybe even more than a month and some weeks. summer sucks. i hate it. i just want to go back to life in the spring. when things felt good and hectic and fun and easy.

summer is the new winter. i wrote that before, i think.

in an effort to distract myself, i thought i'd watch a movie on netflix. i have 'wet hot american summer', because i bought it a few weeks back. and i didn't want to watch it, because i know it's fucked up, and wasn't mentally prepared to watch a movie like that. so i put on a nice paul rudd movie (because he is my favorite hot actor to watch). or so i thought.

and let me tell you. getting sideswiped by a fucked up movie, when you're going for sexy/romantic movie? not okay. really not okay. it was called 'the shape of things'. i knew about halfway in that it wasn't what i thought it was going to be. i knew a little more than halfway through that it was taking a turn. but, just like i did with nip/tuck, i watched it to the end. because i was invested.

i frowned so hard watching the last thirty or so minutes, that i now have a headache. which is also probably from stress. meets hormones waning.

it was an ugly movie. maybe i should have gone for edward scissorhands. or heima. or the sandlot. something that i know i'm getting into. i know the parts that make me cry. or laugh.

i spent the weekend feeling perpetually sick. because i was killing time until i had to deal with my problems. and, thanks to my anxiety, they are always worse in my head than they are in real life.

i didn't contact greg, because i need to really talk to him, and can't do it over the phone. and because i'm afraid that it will be weeks before i get to see him next.

i had to wake up at 445 this morning to surprise attack quinn's store. and it was so dead today that i left after just a few hours there. i didn't catch anything, didn't bust them on anything. so it was a total waste.

and after i left there, i got into a texting thing with her. again. she's challenging me. again. and every time i tell myself, 'this time she won't push me'. and every fucking time she does. she says something, which is her justification for challenging me. and some aspect of her justification is valid. just like before. and i feel like i'm standing in front of her, stammering. i'm not. i'm just silent. because i can't think on my toes. and because she outsmarts me every single time.

she knew there was no way for me to catch her in a lie. so the lie that i truly believe she told me does me no good. it sucks to know someone is lying to you, and not be able to catch them in it. and then to have them tell you that you're making unfair assumptions. which i defended myself against.

the problem is, i know what they think. because they run their mouths to kim and pam, mostly pam, who tells me what they say. but i can't throw it back at them, because then i compromise pam.

a few months back, as well as pretty recently, quinn and crystal have both made statements about my pay rate. and how they are the ones making all the money in the stores, and how if i wasn't getting paid so much, they could get paid what they deserve.

i hate that shit. i hate it more, because quinn's employees spout her shit. and i know it came from her. after the whole 'business ethics' thing? dan started in on that talk. and now crystal is mirroring her pay rate speak. and they're all bitching that i'm spying on them.

i hate feeling like i'm getting beaten by someone so vile. so lame. so full of shit. such a shitty person. and because i'm failing miserably at beating her, i guess that it's making me want to quit. because i'm certainly not going to join her.

every day, i feel unprepared for work. i have for a while. today, i did get a few things accomplished that helped chip away at that. but overall, that feeling is still there. and i think it's mostly because i'm getting outsmarted by a 25 year old bitch. i keep thinking that, if i just stay all up in her shit, that she will get sick of it and bail.

but being all up in her shit makes me feel physically ill. so can i even accomplish it? thinking about being all up in her shit makes me feel even more sick than actually doing it.

i felt so horrible, yesterday, after pigging out on chinese food (i wasn't even hungry, just eating because it tasted good), i had to lay down. i wanted to sleep for a few hours, but couldn't. so i just laid in bed, with my eyes closed, in the a/c, under a quilt, with my mind racing.

and i spent the entire weekend, from friday morning at suck store, until sometime around 6 tonight, specifically dodging the boy who i am mostly certain is going to break my heart. f'reals.

i have been heartbroken for weeks, but have also convinced myself that it is my own doing. i just feel too much and put too much stock into something. and i know i wasn't crazy for doing it, because i was being fed plenty to make my head and heart run away from me.

but it took a lot of work, once i left ever, to not be a flake anymore. and somehow, i have managed to find the flakiest boy around to try to date. the other problem is that i know exactly what i need to say to him. but i just can't make myself say it. i don't know if it's because i'm giving up on him, too, or what. but it's driving me mad.

it's so funny. those first three or so weeks, i guess, my line was 'how can something this wonderful end? what could possibly go wrong when EVERYTHING is so fucking right?'

and now? now it's more like, 'how can something have nosedived to immediately? how could i think this was it? what could possibly change to make this feeling go away?'

yeah, i overdramatized it to aubree. saying that i am afraid i won't survive it.

it's because he changed my mind so completely. he proved me so wrong, on so many counts. for three incredible weeks? god, he was EVERYTHING i wanted. until the immediateness wore off, and real life happened. until the swell fizzled out, and i realized i had three short weeks of bliss to try to recapture. and because i'm a drama queen, i'll say this, too: it's kinda devastating.

because i feel like, if something doesn't change, maybe tonight, or in a week from now, i have to stop. i have to end it.

i have been in too many one sided relationships. this one has all the signs of being NOT that. in words. but not in actions. and it's such a tease. i'm so tempted to put up with it, for the good parts. but the good parts are now memories, somehow. and it makes me feel kinda dumb to hang onto something like that. so fleeting.

ugh. i just want him to choose me. and i don't know if i can wait as long as he'll take to make that choice. and i believe that he's the real deal, or i wouldn't be wasting my time. but, shit man. pull it together. and either do it. or don't. and cut me loose.

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