resignation. july 1st.

well, as it turns out, sometimes dreams do come true. and wishes, for that matter.

quinn turned in her two weeks today. kenna called me while i was in line at the bank to ask if i'd gotten her email. i said, 'oh no. what is it?'

and she said, 'she turned in her resignation, tea! she gave two weeks. now you can go on your vacation and come back, and she will be gone!'

i'm sure she'll have a scathing email to send to kenna on her way out, but kenna made a point to tell me today that she wanted to slap her upon re-reading the texts back and forth that i had forwarded. that she was being such a smart ass, and that it wasn't okay.

i was so happy that my hands were shaking, and i started laugh-crying. it was the best news i've gotten in a long time. and i sent a mass text to everyone who knows what i've been going through with her, and before kim could find out, pam called and put me on speakerphone so i could tell her.

there was squealing, and i was crying i was so happy. we're having a party. i just don't know when.

this just an hour or so after i left the store in tears this morning. it's friday. of the three day weekend. and i was fighting tears walking to the store, after hearing some too-fitting fray songs in the car with aubree on the way there. and telling myself, 'please don't cry. please don't cry.'

and when i got to the store, kim was sad, and i told her that i was sad, too. trying not to cry walking in, because i felt like a little part of me was dying inside.

they laughed, saying i was overly dramatic. but i started crying, standing right there at the bar. because i was being honest. my heart is completely broken.

and i stopped crying and pulled myself together, and then aubree hugged me a little while later, telling me to not be sad, and i cried again. i left for the office after i calmed down.

and then, at the bank, happy tears. for the first time in a while.

i just felt this huge weight lifted off of me. i don't have to plan to get rid of her, writing her up, demoting her, laying her off, like i was in my head last night. i don't have to outsmart her. after a couple weeks of being all up in her shit, and ripping her new assholes, i guess she decided she'd had enough. and the best thing is, i didn't even have to get rid of her. no unemployment. no layoffs. nothing. just resignation.

i'll take the stress of quinn's job, to have her gone. it will probably mean working some very long days. but it's going to be okay that i'll have to work a lot harder, for a while, when she leaves. it will be worth it. we'll brainstorm the overhaul at the party we throw this weekend, in honor of her departure. her yeti-smellin', motorcycle boot wearin', my-mom-says spoutin' self. the $17 an hour pay rate requestin', stand-on-a-milk-crate-when-you're-talkin'-to-me stature, who the FUCK do you think you are talking to, and who the hell do you think you are stupid ass.

GOOD RIDDANCE. don't let the door hit you on your way out.

after the resignation, i felt pretty lucky. so lucky, in fact, that i bought two extra lottery tickets this week. five instead of just three.

i figure, if wishes are coming true, i'll take that $20m jackpot. it's okay that someone won the $78m one on wednesday. the $20m will do. it's okay that i spent five whole dollars on three little slips of paper for three different games. i don't even need to hit all six. just a little to fix the mess of my financial situation...

last night, i was up until about two. i was so angry about quinn, and so disappointed about the boy, i could not make myself sleep. my mind ran away from me a little, too, thinking thoughts about worst case scenarios, all the reasons why i might not have gotten any contact these past few days.

and then i had a panic attack, and got up to write all my worries down in my worry book, so i could try to go to sleep again. and talked to nina for a while after trying for an hour on my own unsuccessfully to calm down. she helped.

and today at noon, at the office, after the news of quinn's departure settled in and i got a good amount of work done, i did something kindof dumb, but that i needed to do, to try to put my mind at ease.

only now it's not at ease, because it is just one more unanswered question. a beaconed message with no beacon back.

i texted, 'are you okay? i was worried about you last night. i hope you're doing alright. better than alright, really...'

two seconds. that is all it would take to put my mind at ease, at least temporarily.

it feels exactly like thinking ever was dead in an apartment, being eaten by puppy daughter. once those awful horrible thoughts creep in, anything that informs you otherwise will do.

and passing that fucking exit this morning, and again this afternoon, was really almost too much for me. part of me just wants to show up at his door, because i know where it is. and worry about the rest of it later. but i just can't make myself do it. i guess because i'm afraid it's creepy. and inappropriate.

but i am legitimately worried. well, as legitimately as someone with anxiety disorders and racing thoughts can be.

and as for the shitty tenant... he is gone. but none of his stuff is. i texted him today asking him when his stuff would be out, because i have a prospective tenant. and he wrote back, saying that his keys and a note were on the dresser.

dear friends, i am aware that the definition of insanity is 'doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result.'

however, trying to be nice in this situation, i didn't expect to be deemed certifiable. i was simply trying to not be left emptyhanded. which is not what happened at all.

his note? his note is classic. he said he's coming back for everything at the foot of the bed (which is a massive pile) soon. and there are two bags of garbage - he didn't even have the sense to take them down to the kitchen where the rest of the trash lives until garbage day. or the mudroom. or the garage. trash lives in all of those places. god knows, the boy has probably never taken a bag of trash out in his life. but leave it in the room? seriously?? what. an. asshole.

and the kicker? he'll sign the promissory note, deducting the value of everything he's leaving here from what he owes me, so i can sell it and have the money.

this guy is a crazy person. leaving your shit furniture for me to have to deal with? i should have said, 'if you can get the mortgage company and electric company to accept your furniture as payment, i'll GLADLY deduct it from what you owe me.'

isn't that some shit? what planet is he FROM???

i told him to make arrangements to have everything out of here this weekend. to let me know when he'll be by. and that, when you get kicked out for not paying rent, leaving a bunch of stuff behind is not okay. and it certainly doesn't come off of what you owe.

dude. my mind is BLOWN.

i just paced my room for a few minutes before sitting down to continue to write this post. the house is going to be weird for the next week. no more shaun. which is a good thing. and i just dropped mike off at the airport for his trip home for ten days. so it will be just me and aubree. until her friend gets here. and leaves. and then nina gets here. strange days ahead.

because he's awesome, mike paid rent and bills today. and even offered to buy cigarettes in kentucky for me, because they're dirt cheap comparatively. i love that kid.

aubree and i are most likely going to the beach tomorrow. i hope it's not a horrible idea, to go where everyone else is going on a holiday weekend. traffic will suck. and the beach will most likely be crowded.

i don't know. i'm trying to make the best of this long weekend. i'm trying not to sweat the non-communication. my mind, again, is running away from me with the possibilities. i just need SOMETHING.

the last time i posted my wish on here, it came true. i wished that i'd come back from vacation to a quinn-free workplace.

so here it is, blogger. make some magic:

i wish to have one day with a certain boy. i wish to have a chance to say things in person that i really need to say. and more than anything? i wish to have some feeling of security, of happiness again, knowing that everything will be okay, because there's more to his words than the letters that make them up.

whenever you're ready, universe. i've been waiting patiently, and i can't say that it's not because i'm being forced to. because i am. but i'm a good person, with a good heart. and i just want some closure, if nothing else.

pleasepleaseplease let me get what i want. again.

i know i just said that a couple days ago. but in light of it being july and all, in light of the shit month that june was, just this one little thing? pretty please? i put up with a lot of bullshit last month, and i just need a little stability back in my life.

i've sworn off the hormones, so i'll be able to deal with whatever comes my way. and i'm still thinking about what nina said, late last night, when she chatted with me until i was calmer and able to attempt sleep a second time. she said,

'no matter what, i will NOT let him become another coffee.'

to find out what happened. to get answers. and above all, to not spend the next fourteen years of my life regretting what i did or didn't do.

i get it. and it really hit me over the head like a frying pan.

i don't want it to be over, which is why i'm fighting it so hard. but if it has to be, i'll at least do myself the favor of talking about the hard stuff, and knowing how to keep this from happening again.

every time, i come back to dream for an insomniac.

'i don't want other fish. i want THAT fish. the blue-eyed, angel faced fish. the david shrader fish.'

even though his eyes are not blue. that line is how i feel, especially now.

in a further senseless move, tonight at seven, for the first time ever, i called him.

and he didn't answer. and i left a message, asking him to please call me because i wanted to hear his voice.

and it's after 11. and still, nothing.

i'm actually genuinely concerned.

and even more confused now than ever before.

with my mind racing. none of it good.

and now i get to attempt to sleep again. i can hardly wait.

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