will this ever end? nov 27th.

this cold has stamina.

i woke up this morning to the sensation that i can't blow everything out of my nose that is residing in my sinuses. tissue after tissue, it doesn't end.

and now, from blowing my nose so much in the last 24 hours, it's bloody. suuuuucks. and there's that whole chapped face thing which is super hot.


i am determined to do something today and feel better. or just ignore the fact that i don't feel well, and do something regardless.

i feel like going to favorite bar for brunch, but i'm not hungry, and i still don't feel like being around people.


a friend had posted something a few days ago about what it meant that her netflix top recommendation was 'wristcutters'. i told her not to worry, because it was my top recommendation also.

last night i watched it. it was categorized as a dark comedy, so it seemed like a safe bet, but i was afraid it would be morbid.

it really wasn't. the suicide aspect of the movie was made lighter than you'd think, and the movie itself was really really good.


and in watching it, which i only really did because patrick fugit stars in it, i realized why i like 19 year old boyfriend.

it's because he reminds me of patrick fugit.

side by side, not so much. but it's the shape of his face, his hair sometimes, and definitely his mouth, and the look he has on his face when he comes by sometimes that i guess i was recognizing from watching and loving almost famous so much.


so it makes perfect sense to me that i dreamt him last night.

it's been well over a year since i developed this crush on him. which, surely by now, means that he's probably my 21 year old boyfriend. and i didn't ever have a dream with him in it until a couple months ago. i want to say i've had two about him in the last couple weeks.

the one last night was pretty awesome.

we were at my parents' house. only my dad was the principal from buffy instead of my dad.

and he came over to hang out, nothing had happened between us at all. but we both liked each other. he came over and he was going to stay the night.

we were hanging out in the office talking, he stretched his legs out in front of him, put them in my lap sitting opposite him. i was rubbing his feet while we talked.

we were taking smoke breaks together, kindof hatching a plan for him to stay over so we could curl up together and talk some more and fall asleep that way. but i knew i wouldn't sleep. and i was really really happy.

aubree was there, and my brother showed up toward the end of the dream, to be a pain in the ass, as he is in real life.

and i got really mad at myself in my sleep, because i was digging through the dresser trying to find the cutest bra and underwear i owned to change into, under the clothes i was wearing. and he was waiting for me outside, and eventually gave up on me and came back inside just as i found what i wanted to wear. i got mad because i realized that i didn't need a bra to sleep in, so it just seemed stupid.

at one point, my principal dad cornered us in the doorway of the office, he was in front of me i guess, but i had my arms around him. and dad lectured him about staying the night and where he'd be sleeping and totally embarrassed me. but he was cool about it, and we went to smoke outside, and after that, got into bed together. i woke up as we were starting to make out.

what else is new.

robbed, again.

nyquil has been giving me insanely complicated dreams. the one with thundersnow was so crazy. there was so much happening. i could only write notes when i woke up, because i was afraid of everything i'd forget if i made it into the story of the dream.

but it was very vivid, and another end of the world dream, amongst other things.


and i don't know why, but i'm thinking to talk about the lawyer now.

so i got another email from him. and basically, he sent me this form to fill out that lists all of our property.

i'm going to get pretty detailed. all the things that i left behind and had to replace.

i'm going to list the business. even though i don't want to bring it into it, still, after everything.

he still hasn't paid the mortgage, which makes me think that he's just not going to.

and what scares me is that someone might be advising him not to.

he has to be willing to risk his equity to do it. and i can see him doing that, only because he has nothing else to lose, and never had money like that anyway.

i have so much more to lose by him doing it. and he totally knows that.

there's no way, now that everyone who owes him money is back in town after making a ton of it, that he doesn't have it. i guess that's why i'm confused.


the more i think about the why of it all, the more i realize that there's really no sense at all in trying to rationalize it. there's no simple explanation for any of this. because if i just think that it's because he's retarded, i think that someone who cares would try to help him. if i just think that he's ignoring everything, i think that the correspondence from the lawyer would keep him focused. if i think that he's just hurt and trying to hurt me, then i realize that more than anything he could ever do to try to fuck me over, he's fucking himself over even more.

so none of it will ever make sense to me.

not even when it's all over and done with.

at least we're getting closer to that.

at least it is almost over.

at least it is almost behind me.


i know that i transfer feelings from one person to another. and i know that when i'm tired and sick, i think and feel things that i wouldn't otherwise.

i got really really angry last night. and i actually cried. for the first time i can remember without a movie to bring it out of me.

i wrote this really mean letter to get it all out of my system, which is what i do when i'm that angry. i never send the letters, but it sure felt great to write it all out.


because i'm doing it again. it's not with the person i'm married to. but i've been doing the same thing i did with ever. not dealing with things as they come up, so that there's this stockpile of hurt feelings that i say nothing about, and do nothing about.

i don't think i'll ever stand up for myself when it comes to people hurting my feelings. i'll always make excuses for them, or think that i brought it on myself.

and maybe it is okay to blame part of the way i am on ever. because when i would tell him that he had done something that hurt my feelings, he'd consistently say that i made it up, that it was all in my head.

so after years of that, i stopped talking. and started burying instead. but then again, i've been doing this my whole life.

bury things. bury more things. and then one little thing happens. and then the dam breaks. and then things that shouldn't get added into the flood do. and instead of one little thing here and there, it's this pervasive pile of shit to deal with.


so that's what happened last night. i wrote it all out, got it all out of my system. and resolved to talk about it when i wasn't so upset. basically use my letter as an outline for things i need to say and get off my chest.

if i have to repeat myself, maybe that is something i just have to start doing. part of burying things, and leaving things unsaid, is that i know i've said it before and i don't want to nag. i expect people to remember that i'm sensitive to something when i tell them that i am.

and that's also why it feels so bad to go through the same things repeatedly. it becomes a pattern. and it sucks.

because i've already said it.

i know i'm talking around the problems here. but i guess i'm still working things out in my head.


so aside from 'wristcutters' and making it to season three of buffy, i also rewatched 'the neverending story' last night.

it had been years and years. it was one of my favorites growing up.

i had completely forgotten the beginning. in my head, i guess it started with him opening the book. and it was strange to see as an adult. like 'the dark crystal'. i feel like there were so many things in that movie that should have scared me when i was little, the way 'labyrinth' did. but it didn't.

and seeing it as an adult made me fall out of love with it a little. the story didn't get to me the way it did when i was a kid. it seemed like such a wonderfully complete story when i was little, but as a grown up, i guess it lacked transition. so in my head it was a five star movie, and at the end of the night last night, it was more like a three.

i'm convinced that rewatching 'flight of the navigator' will not end the same way. that movie was so funny to me when i was little. i think it will hold up.

i hope it will.


i'm going to get a hot hot shower. and get out of bed. this shit is ridiculous.

i have got to get better. and try to at least enjoy the normal part of my weekend. because the first two days were kinda wrecked by being sick. all i've done is trash my apartment.

it's pretty exciting to have tomorrow off, too. third day off today. i have absolutely nothing to show for it. but maybe that doesn't matter.

23 days until i go home. i can't wait to go home.

future tea. november 27th (technically).

DEAR FUTURE TEA:

are you happy? are you still sad? are you still lonely? are you still unsatisfied? are you still unkissed? are you still wanting to be alone? are you still up at night, dreaming and writing about the same fucking place in your head you dwell in? and are you still up at night, late, just before fall reminiscing?



one year later. it's hard to believe.


i am not happy. especially not tonight.

but i am happier. so that's something.

i am still sad. i think i will always be sad about something.

i'm lonelier than i've ever been.

but i'm trying to deal with that in a healthy way. and healthy right now is watching like ten hours of netflix a day.

i am unsatisfied. but at least it's not because of ever anymore. now it's just with my life and the decisions that i make. and being aware of it can only help.

i've now been kissed, but it's been months. and i'm dying. DYING. to be kissed again.

it's safe to say that i have been alone, and i'm actually okay with not being alone anymore. i no longer feel the need to be alone until valentine's day.

saying as it's 122 am, i am still up at night writing. and though i've cycled through a few boys, it is mostly about the same place and the same boy.

and i will always reminisce. but now i'm not doing it with the aid of my old journals.

shootout. november 26th.

i woke up in the scariest possible way this morning. after thanksgiving at kit's i came home, took nyquil, and got into bed at about 930.

i couldn't fall asleep. sometimes nyquil has this effect on me. if i am awake past that initial warm sleepy window, then i'm up for hours.

sometime around 1230, i finally fell asleep and was having buffy-inspired nightmares.


then i heard screeching tires, then gunshots. and car crashing sounds. the sound of multiple cars being hit one after another, which made me wonder, as i scrambled out of bed to look out the window, if they were gunshots at all.


i looked out, pretty blind without my glasses. it was 230.

there was a car smashed into another car that was parked in front of my stoop. a guy was outside the driver's side door. i could tell that he was black, and wearing a black jacket. he looked like an older guy, but i couldn't really see.

he looked up at me, and saw me looking at him.


i got on the floor and crawled toward my bedroom door.

i was shaking, and my heart was racing.

if there had been gunshots, and he didn't realize that i couldn't see him well at all, i totally expected there to be gunshots in my general direction. it was a crazy progression of thoughts.

after about a minute of silence, i got up and tried to find my glasses. they were in the bathroom. by the time i got back, and looked back out the window, the car was abandoned, and people were starting to come outside.

cops pulled up right about then, i saw them talking to the people who were outside, and decided to pop a halls and go out for a smoke to try to calm down and see if anyone else had seen anything.


before i went outside, i was worried that the people would come back by and shoot at us, but i guess my sleepy freakout logic overrode that with the importance of a calming cigarette.

i joined the neighbors, there were five of them. all talking and saying the same thing.


a couple had seen this before, like i had. i saw a car hit every car parked on one side of the street from the house once. and i'd heard gunshots in our old apartment.


this was crazy. the story i got from them, as the cops took notes, was this:

a white suv was driving alongside this green car (the one i saw). shots were fired, and the suv pushed the car into the cars on my side of the street. once the green car stopped, the suv drove off.

the guy i saw got out of the car, which was the point i saw him, then got something out of the car, and walked down my side of the street in the direction they'd come from. the green car was stolen.


what i noticed when i saw him was that he wasn't moving quickly. which is why being shot at seemed like such a crazy thing at the time. i thought maybe, like the other accident i'd seen, he just lost control of his car and wrecked into cars, and that there were no gunshots.

but when i came back and saw that he was gone, i thought that maybe he was drunk and left the scene before the cops showed up.

after hearing one guy say he saw the gun, but not the gun being fired, i realized that it was what i'd originally thought.


i couldn't describe anything, and because i'd gotten on the floor, i didn't have any missing piece of the story to tell.


but it was fucking scary.


what's interesting is that kit and i were just talking about our neighborhood being safe yesterday afternoon. and i had just heard an accident at the other end of the block in the afternoon on wednesday, and looked out after a horn honked and i heard the metal on metal sound. it's such an alarming sound to hear. once you hear it, you always recognize it. i was talking about it when i met kit's family that night.


and then this.



and i think the scariest thing was that my neighbor a couple doors down missed the whole thing. he had headphones on, came out for a smoke, i guess, and realized something was going on.

he was freaked out, because he had just come home from 7-11 right before the shooting, and if he'd been a few minutes later, he would've been there when it happened.

and i guess that, waking up this morning and thinking about it, that's what scares me.

this is how innocent people die in this city. being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

i have come home at 230 in the morning more than a few times since i lived here. what if it hadn't been thanksgiving and i had been out? what if i'd had a little too much to drink, and wandered into that whole thing while it was going down?

these people were not from our neighborhood. they were in a chase from somewhere else. but they came to a stop right in front of the stoop i sit smoking on every single day and night.

and when i can't sleep, i'm out there. one in the morning, two in the morning, whatever. doesn't matter.


and who knows what frame of mind that guy was in when he looked up at me. who knows if he even knows where he was when he came to a stop. i don't know if he was the shooter or if the guy in the suv was.

all i know is that it's going to take a while to get over this. i am already on edge and panicky for no good reason all the time, and now i have reason to be. it sucks.


when i came back inside around 3, i knew i'd have an impossible time falling asleep. i was too shaky from everything that had just happened. the cops rang my bell, and i stuck my head out, saying i'd just been downstairs, and that i didn't see anything helpful because i didn't have my glasses on.

they started talking, a total of six cop cars were outside at that point, and i made hot chocolate and took some more nyquil and tried to go back to sleep. i think i probably fell asleep around 4. maybe a little after.


all this after a pretty great thanksgiving.

i woke up and got online, to see that a friend said it was snowing. i thought she was kidding, but i looked out my window and it was snowing.

i'd been having a dream about thundersnow falling in huge clumps. there was a lot of other stuff in the dream, but it was maybe the third thing i wrote down about the dream when i woke up.

and it was snowing in real life. pretty odd. first snow of the year. it never sticks. but it's always so silent and pretty and magical. it snowed for a few hours before it turned to rain.


thanksgiving at kit's was pretty fun. played some wii, helped a little with the prep and helped more with cleaning as we went along. i'm usually pretty picky with food, and thanksgiving is not one of my favorites food-wise. usually at mom's the only thing i eat is turkey, potatoes, and bread. everything else is not on my list of foods i like.

but at kit's everything was on my awesome list. chicken and potatoes and salad and bread and even a savory onion/apple/pear filled pastry, which i was afraid to try, but which was awesome. and double dessert with brownies and pumpkin cheesecake. my favorite.

and beer.

i broke atkins for thanksgiving which was my goal, but need to try to stick to it. i wasn't really seeing any progress to that point, but i know that if i go back to my old ways, it will get worse, even if it doesn't get better sticking to this.


it's two. i'm still in bed. i still feel crappy. and i still have the headache i woke up with at 930.

i should probably get up and try to do something now.

sick. november 22nd.

well, it is happening.

i've only had three cigarettes all day, which is how you can tell i'm unwell.


my throat is killing me. but it seems to go away when my nose is clear, so i'm hoping it's not strep, which kit had last week. and far away in fla, nina had the week before.

it would be fitting if i did have it.

but i really, really hope that i don't.

i'm about to take nyquil and pass out. it almost feels like what i thought the flu was before i had it. i do feel a little achy.

two days of work until a four day weekend. i just can't get worse and have to deal.


i guess today was a little better.

i got the letter back from the attorney. i do have to pay a retainer. which fucking SUCKS. and i found out that the insurance is past due, ever's portion. but the cancellation notice was just a formality from me closing the account. i can still pay the amount past due and have the active policy.

i still hate him. i can't believe that i thought i could help him and be his friend. i am seriously stupid.

and he is seriously going to have to get a lawyer, finally. and it is too fucked up that i will see him next in a courtroom. but that is a fact of life now.


i guess that i'm ready for this to be over. i mean, i know i am, but dread this part of things being in his control, and being forced to take the hardest way out because he is an idiot. whatever. it will be interesting to see what he has to say for himself. if he even says anything at all.


homeless ever. what a moron.


and because i have a one track mind, something funny happened at work today.

my original boyfriend, the 19 year old one came by.

he looked adorable in his scrubs, and was talking to us for a while.

and mentioned something about his band this past weekend, how he was trying to divide his time between friends, but felt like he was letting people down.

i asked him his band's name, and he told me. and said he had a cd in his bag. and that he'd bring it by after class so we could check it out.

and he did.


it was cute. i can't play it on the laptop for some strange reason. so i'll have to listen to it in the car.

but he plays bass. naturally. they are always the ones i look at. the sun, ever, and most bands i like.

so at some point, i'll probably have to go see them play. i hope it's decent and not awful.


anyways, it made me happy, and made me feel better about an otherwise lame day at work.