will this ever end? nov 27th.

this cold has stamina.

i woke up this morning to the sensation that i can't blow everything out of my nose that is residing in my sinuses. tissue after tissue, it doesn't end.

and now, from blowing my nose so much in the last 24 hours, it's bloody. suuuuucks. and there's that whole chapped face thing which is super hot.

i am determined to do something today and feel better. or just ignore the fact that i don't feel well, and do something regardless.

i feel like going to favorite bar for brunch, but i'm not hungry, and i still don't feel like being around people.

a friend had posted something a few days ago about what it meant that her netflix top recommendation was 'wristcutters'. i told her not to worry, because it was my top recommendation also.

last night i watched it. it was categorized as a dark comedy, so it seemed like a safe bet, but i was afraid it would be morbid.

it really wasn't. the suicide aspect of the movie was made lighter than you'd think, and the movie itself was really really good.

and in watching it, which i only really did because patrick fugit stars in it, i realized why i like 19 year old boyfriend.

it's because he reminds me of patrick fugit.

side by side, not so much. but it's the shape of his face, his hair sometimes, and definitely his mouth, and the look he has on his face when he comes by sometimes that i guess i was recognizing from watching and loving almost famous so much.

so it makes perfect sense to me that i dreamt him last night.

it's been well over a year since i developed this crush on him. which, surely by now, means that he's probably my 21 year old boyfriend. and i didn't ever have a dream with him in it until a couple months ago. i want to say i've had two about him in the last couple weeks.

the one last night was pretty awesome.

we were at my parents' house. only my dad was the principal from buffy instead of my dad.

and he came over to hang out, nothing had happened between us at all. but we both liked each other. he came over and he was going to stay the night.

we were hanging out in the office talking, he stretched his legs out in front of him, put them in my lap sitting opposite him. i was rubbing his feet while we talked.

we were taking smoke breaks together, kindof hatching a plan for him to stay over so we could curl up together and talk some more and fall asleep that way. but i knew i wouldn't sleep. and i was really really happy.

aubree was there, and my brother showed up toward the end of the dream, to be a pain in the ass, as he is in real life.

and i got really mad at myself in my sleep, because i was digging through the dresser trying to find the cutest bra and underwear i owned to change into, under the clothes i was wearing. and he was waiting for me outside, and eventually gave up on me and came back inside just as i found what i wanted to wear. i got mad because i realized that i didn't need a bra to sleep in, so it just seemed stupid.

at one point, my principal dad cornered us in the doorway of the office, he was in front of me i guess, but i had my arms around him. and dad lectured him about staying the night and where he'd be sleeping and totally embarrassed me. but he was cool about it, and we went to smoke outside, and after that, got into bed together. i woke up as we were starting to make out.

what else is new.

robbed, again.

nyquil has been giving me insanely complicated dreams. the one with thundersnow was so crazy. there was so much happening. i could only write notes when i woke up, because i was afraid of everything i'd forget if i made it into the story of the dream.

but it was very vivid, and another end of the world dream, amongst other things.

and i don't know why, but i'm thinking to talk about the lawyer now.

so i got another email from him. and basically, he sent me this form to fill out that lists all of our property.

i'm going to get pretty detailed. all the things that i left behind and had to replace.

i'm going to list the business. even though i don't want to bring it into it, still, after everything.

he still hasn't paid the mortgage, which makes me think that he's just not going to.

and what scares me is that someone might be advising him not to.

he has to be willing to risk his equity to do it. and i can see him doing that, only because he has nothing else to lose, and never had money like that anyway.

i have so much more to lose by him doing it. and he totally knows that.

there's no way, now that everyone who owes him money is back in town after making a ton of it, that he doesn't have it. i guess that's why i'm confused.

the more i think about the why of it all, the more i realize that there's really no sense at all in trying to rationalize it. there's no simple explanation for any of this. because if i just think that it's because he's retarded, i think that someone who cares would try to help him. if i just think that he's ignoring everything, i think that the correspondence from the lawyer would keep him focused. if i think that he's just hurt and trying to hurt me, then i realize that more than anything he could ever do to try to fuck me over, he's fucking himself over even more.

so none of it will ever make sense to me.

not even when it's all over and done with.

at least we're getting closer to that.

at least it is almost over.

at least it is almost behind me.

i know that i transfer feelings from one person to another. and i know that when i'm tired and sick, i think and feel things that i wouldn't otherwise.

i got really really angry last night. and i actually cried. for the first time i can remember without a movie to bring it out of me.

i wrote this really mean letter to get it all out of my system, which is what i do when i'm that angry. i never send the letters, but it sure felt great to write it all out.

because i'm doing it again. it's not with the person i'm married to. but i've been doing the same thing i did with ever. not dealing with things as they come up, so that there's this stockpile of hurt feelings that i say nothing about, and do nothing about.

i don't think i'll ever stand up for myself when it comes to people hurting my feelings. i'll always make excuses for them, or think that i brought it on myself.

and maybe it is okay to blame part of the way i am on ever. because when i would tell him that he had done something that hurt my feelings, he'd consistently say that i made it up, that it was all in my head.

so after years of that, i stopped talking. and started burying instead. but then again, i've been doing this my whole life.

bury things. bury more things. and then one little thing happens. and then the dam breaks. and then things that shouldn't get added into the flood do. and instead of one little thing here and there, it's this pervasive pile of shit to deal with.

so that's what happened last night. i wrote it all out, got it all out of my system. and resolved to talk about it when i wasn't so upset. basically use my letter as an outline for things i need to say and get off my chest.

if i have to repeat myself, maybe that is something i just have to start doing. part of burying things, and leaving things unsaid, is that i know i've said it before and i don't want to nag. i expect people to remember that i'm sensitive to something when i tell them that i am.

and that's also why it feels so bad to go through the same things repeatedly. it becomes a pattern. and it sucks.

because i've already said it.

i know i'm talking around the problems here. but i guess i'm still working things out in my head.

so aside from 'wristcutters' and making it to season three of buffy, i also rewatched 'the neverending story' last night.

it had been years and years. it was one of my favorites growing up.

i had completely forgotten the beginning. in my head, i guess it started with him opening the book. and it was strange to see as an adult. like 'the dark crystal'. i feel like there were so many things in that movie that should have scared me when i was little, the way 'labyrinth' did. but it didn't.

and seeing it as an adult made me fall out of love with it a little. the story didn't get to me the way it did when i was a kid. it seemed like such a wonderfully complete story when i was little, but as a grown up, i guess it lacked transition. so in my head it was a five star movie, and at the end of the night last night, it was more like a three.

i'm convinced that rewatching 'flight of the navigator' will not end the same way. that movie was so funny to me when i was little. i think it will hold up.

i hope it will.

i'm going to get a hot hot shower. and get out of bed. this shit is ridiculous.

i have got to get better. and try to at least enjoy the normal part of my weekend. because the first two days were kinda wrecked by being sick. all i've done is trash my apartment.

it's pretty exciting to have tomorrow off, too. third day off today. i have absolutely nothing to show for it. but maybe that doesn't matter.

23 days until i go home. i can't wait to go home.

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