i have a feeling that there will be more than one post with this title in the coming weeks. i should enumerate them.
the past couple days have been whirlwind-y. i survived the dreaded catering without a scratch.
though i pulled it off on only a three or so hour nap, and definitely hungover.
i only had two drinks. but i think the bartended hooked me up. leaving the bar, i was fine. it takes me two drinks to match kit's one. always. her ipa's are too much for her to down quickly.
and i had told myself one drink.
and i had two.
and we were walking back to my-your. i picked up the laundry she so generously let me do, two days in a row. i was fine.
giggling, goofy, but fine. and then got my stuff, and walking down her stairs thought, 'uh-oh.'
and then on the street, slightly swaying, digging in my bag for a smoke. because i really needed another one.
and up my stairs and into a spinny bed. i drank water all night. i tried to sleep. i was sweating, and dizzy. it was rough.
i couldn't sleep, so i got up and went outside to get my ipod out of my car. and i had another cig and sat on the stoop writing, which is what i do almost every single time i smoke at my apartment. i kinda love it.
so i had this thing.
in my past crazy-tea life, i'd have called it fate, or a sign, or something like that.
i was stuck in my head over coffee. same shit as every other day. the conversation. what i want to say. how i want to say it. how i want to present certain information. also, how to ask the earth shattering question, whether to just kiss him at the end of the night. how to ask him to a drink, whether i use fb as a platform, or send a text because he gave me his number six months ago. if he'd even know it was me.
and i wrote one word. and added a letter, which spelled his name. and wrote some random line about him.
and this ladybug landed on my journal. towards the top of the page. his name was the last line.
and i watched her walk down the page, and take a turn and walk across the line of text with his name.
i picked her up on my fingernail, and tried to count the dots on her back, but couldn't see straight to count, in all honesty. and she flew away.
i flipped the journal over to write the next line.
and she landed again, and walked across that.
i almost told her to go away, but didn't want to be the crazy lady talking to herself at midnight outside. to a ladybug.
so i picked her up again, finished my smoke, and walked inside.
on my way in, i had one more line i had to get down. it was something neat that i didn't want to lose forever. so i picked up my closed journal from my bed, and opened it. wrote the one line.
guess who followed me inside? she landed on the page. i think i might have said, 'ok, lady. time to go.'
when i took her up on my nail, she climbed up my right arm, to the crook. took her on my other nail. she walked up my left arm.
walking her to the window, she flew away right before i could put her out the window.
it was crazy.
i fell asleep sometime after 1230. woke up at 4 with shin splints that kept me up until the catering.
the thing with the ladybug is this:
i was living in lake tahoe. i'd had my ass good and kicked. my granny had died. and i couldn't get home in time for her funeral, because of how far i was from home.
it killed me. i'd already had a rough time. my heart was broken by this boy two years younger than me who had run off to college and never written me back. and who liked my friend more than he liked me. and i'd gotten fired from my coffee job by a bitchass boss who never liked me. i was two weeks into a job in the town video rental store. which i loved, by the way. it was the raddest job. i watched the goonies almost every day.
anyway, i was sitting on my front porch, smoking. crying and writing. eleven years ago, see a trend?
part of me was ready to leave. and part of me felt like i was giving up too soon. that i was really loving it there, even though i wasn't. i had a kickass roommate who more than made up for the shitty one i'd started out with.
they'd thrown a going away party for me, and given me this awesome goodbye journal that my friends had all written and drawn in for me.
so emotions were high. and i was leaving in a day or two.
and this ladybug landed on me or my journal. i don't know which. but eleven was my lucky number then, and had been for a while, and that's how many spots she had.
i know i wrote a little piece about her, and that i'd taken it as a sign that i was going to be okay. and that it was okay to go home. and return to my old friends, and my old life. that i could get over living at home with the parents. yet again. which is where i stayed until i was married.
but that ladybug was really cool.
and now, all these years later, thinking about going home, though not moving. and thinking about how nervous my belly is about this stupid boy i used to hang out with.
and she wouldn't go away. and it just kinda floored me.
fast-forward to today.
when i found travel scrabble for a two-part adventure. one camping, one at home. hopefully in a bar. hopefully with that boy.
and i got a lot accomplished today. work was nuts. tomorrow will be also.
and when i asked my online friends to help me think of camping stuff to not forget, i got a ton of responses. i mean, biggest response in the history of posts.
what ended up happening was this:
i looked up the night sky website.
and oh. my. god.
every planet will be in the sky. mars at dawn each day. saturn at midnight each night. every other one, including pluto. and even a comet.
it's unbelievable. i guess it is why they time the star party this way.
in any case, all that got me reeling. i mean, i was pacing the apartment, picking up things and putting it next to the cooler in my living room. things i cannot forget. telling kit what to add to the list.
i realized that in three little days, about this time, i'll be staring down the elusive saturn.
my planet.
the one i wanted coffee to show me with his fancy little telescope. the one that he didn't even acknowlege my request of.
i will see it. and it will be amazing.
i just cannot wait. there are other things i want to buy in preparation for this trip. like binoculars and a little star chart, so i know what i am looking at.
i want to bring that 1953 star book i have.
the one that, all those years ago, i was shocked and appalled to have coffee show me, in his own collection.
what are the fucking chances? i am nearly certain i got mine thrifting. and i don't remember the story behind his. but i've loved mine to death. so much that the cover is no longer part of the book.
and all of this nonsense, all of these things. they would all have been little signs to me in my old former life.
but now i don't want signs. i don't want to encourage this unreasonable behavior. i don't want to think that tiny little insignificant coincidences play any kind of a role in my adult life. i don't want to read into it. i don't want them to give weight to things.
and then twenty or so comments into the camping question, my friend posted a link to a site about telescopes and astronomy for amateurs.
and what's the big bold first word on the site? coffee's name.
yep. that's right. right there. in big ass bold print.
it's almost too much to take. it has always been this way. there are too many shooting stars in the night sky, for starters.
i remember the night i told nina that i still cried for him, last summer. and how, when i went to watch tv with ever afterwards, there was a cartoon on tv. and the boy character's name was his. and the other character kept saying it over and over.
and in that paranoid stoned way, i kept thinking, 'i'm so busted' with a blushed face.
how, driving in delaware, after december, i was thinking about him, and parked next to a car that was exactly his old car. and pulled out of that parking lot to drive behind a car that was also his dog's name.
things were always like that before. it got me into so much trouble. there were so many signs, that eventually nothing had any real meaning anymore. because everything stood for something else. there was nothing real, only signs.
but tonight there was something else to be excited about.
this trip is three short days away. and if i go to sleep, right now, it will be two.
this time... june 6th.
i really liked those 'this time next week' lines.
i think i'd like to make a few more, slight variations.
it's kindof a nice way to write a to do list.
it's also a plan.
and it makes me hear the repetitive riff and regina spektor singing, 'hey remember that time when...'
here it goes:
this time next week, i'll begin my new life that includes travels and vacations.
this time next week, i will set aside my dislike for outdoorsy-ness.
this time next week, i will wish upon a star.
this time in two weeks, i'll ask a certain someone out for a drink.
this time in two weeks, i'll have a pretty good idea of lines to rehearse for said drink.
this time in two weeks, i'll start back to the gym.
this time in two weeks, i'll start to eat foods that are normal.
this time in three weeks, i'll be home. 19 days stand between me and that flight.
this time in three weeks, i'll be poolside.
this time in three weeks, i'll be in a hot tub.
this time in three weeks, i'll be playing scrabble in person with some old friends.
this time in three weeks, i will wear a dress and ask that certain boy a certain question.
this time in three weeks, i'll be on a motherfuckin boat.
one month from now, i'll introduce nina to my life.
one month from now, i'll have an answer. even if it isn't my answer.
one month from now, i'll start over. again.
one month from now, i'll focus on work until the next mini-vacation.
are you sick of this yet?
i am, but also i am not.
so today is a certain dickhead's birthday. and i'll be damned if he didn't unfriend my mom and my sister while he was at it.
my mom almost sent him a big homemade cookie for his birthday. then she figured that out. so i'm pretty glad that she didn't.
what a turd.
whatever.
moving on...
it's funny. last night i was thinking about the intern before i fell asleep.
and tonight i'm pretty awake. i am feeling the beginning of a coffee kick again.
i'm afraid to get all burnt on it again. to get sad again. to start obsessing again.
i feel like it's important to say that when i re-read my post from yesterday (which is what i do before i write the next one), that i wasn't sad yesterday. the thing about crying? it was just a release. i was more angry than anything, but really i wasn't that angry either.
i wasn't anything.
maybe that's why i wanted emotion caused by other people. but i cried and then wanted to cry more. but it wasn't because i was sad or depressed.
i just wanted to say that. to clarify.
i haven't been sad. in fact, this was the best weekend i've had in a long, long time. maybe since that first weekend i was out on my own. when i was writing the novel and getting a lot done. all that liberation work.
i needed it.
nothing earth shattering happened. i didn't even make out with any cute boys.
i just bought a couple of things that made me really excited for my new life.
and i did some things that drastically improve the time i spend in my car. which is more and more lately.
quality of life things.
and i bought another set of movies.
is that what people do when they live alone, and they're happy alone? do they watch movies by themselves?
because i keep finding myself buying all these movies. at best buy, they also had $5 movies. so i got uncle buck and son in law, because my vhs's of them were both gone and no longer okay to watch. and i got the usual suspects. because it's awesome and i haven't seen it enough to get references to it.
and so i can stare at kevin spacey and say, 'i made a large skim latte for him.' which is the coolest thing that has ever happened in my life of caffeine.
and then they had the $8 double movie pack of say anything with garden state. but that's already been covered. yesterday, and a week ago. or two. something like that.
so i didn't watch charlie and the chocolate factory yet. or the sandlot, in clear dvd format.
and this week, i intend to watch son in law and laugh my ass off.
nina is instructing me to watch veronica mars.
kit is instructing me to watch all of sex and the city.
my sister warned me, but said i need to watch ps i love you.
that it's really sad.
maybe when i feel like wallowing.
so kit got netflix on wii.
and now, like a lot of things that kit gets, i want it.
we watched the ugly truth that way today.
and for someone who is as movie retarded as i am, and now who has this much time on her hands, i think it's a pretty kickass idea.
no mailing things, no waiting for things. just instant gratification.
and since i don't have cable for $20 a month, i should allow myself $10 a month.
or i should stop buying things i want and having things i've been deprived of. save up for vacation, and better yet, pay off these damned credit cards.
i wouldn't go so far as to say i'm being irresponsible.
but i know exactly what this is.
i gave up so many things i wanted for so long. and if i tried to go out and get them for myself, i'd back out. because i'd feel guilt over ever. he'd tell me to buy clothes, and i'd put things back because i knew it was money we needed for something else.
and now i don't have ever guilting me. not that he was. but he was what i had guilt about.
so now i spend when i want. on what i want.
combined with the fact that there's money there to spend.
it's amazing.
today i bought new shoes for work. because the ones i bought a year ago and six months ago are worn out. like, holes through the bottoms of my crocs worn out.
and i found out they discontinued the shoes that i am in love with. and it makes me want to stockpile.
but because they stopped when i wasn't buying them, now i can't find them.
i got a radical pair of plum shoes. and the lady already shipped them to me.
and nina's giving me her teal ones if they fit. otherwise, i'll buy those also.
i love this shoe. i don't want to have to find the next new thing. these are the best shoes on the planet. i love them. they keep my feet happy after ten hour days. that is worth something.
i also bought my contacts. necessary every six months.
all my six month expenditures.
i really want a new pair of glasses, but they aren't necessary, because i have a decent pair that i can still wear.
mine are between two and three years old. i love the frames, so i guess that's why i'm not in a rush.
i will shop for clothes when i'm home. i don't want to do it here, or i'll have nothing to do when i'm there with mom and aubree.
it's almost one. i hate sundays before mondays.
i don't want to work. i don't want to have to work.
why can't i just be independently wealthy?
i just want to write. and read. and talk to my friends all day. and all night. and sleep late. and cook and bake. and make coffee for one. or two, if kit swings by.
that's all i want. i think it's because, in three week's time, i'll be on a seemingly endless vacation.
i think i'd like to make a few more, slight variations.
it's kindof a nice way to write a to do list.
it's also a plan.
and it makes me hear the repetitive riff and regina spektor singing, 'hey remember that time when...'
here it goes:
this time next week, i'll begin my new life that includes travels and vacations.
this time next week, i will set aside my dislike for outdoorsy-ness.
this time next week, i will wish upon a star.
this time in two weeks, i'll ask a certain someone out for a drink.
this time in two weeks, i'll have a pretty good idea of lines to rehearse for said drink.
this time in two weeks, i'll start back to the gym.
this time in two weeks, i'll start to eat foods that are normal.
this time in three weeks, i'll be home. 19 days stand between me and that flight.
this time in three weeks, i'll be poolside.
this time in three weeks, i'll be in a hot tub.
this time in three weeks, i'll be playing scrabble in person with some old friends.
this time in three weeks, i will wear a dress and ask that certain boy a certain question.
this time in three weeks, i'll be on a motherfuckin boat.
one month from now, i'll introduce nina to my life.
one month from now, i'll have an answer. even if it isn't my answer.
one month from now, i'll start over. again.
one month from now, i'll focus on work until the next mini-vacation.
are you sick of this yet?
i am, but also i am not.
so today is a certain dickhead's birthday. and i'll be damned if he didn't unfriend my mom and my sister while he was at it.
my mom almost sent him a big homemade cookie for his birthday. then she figured that out. so i'm pretty glad that she didn't.
what a turd.
whatever.
moving on...
it's funny. last night i was thinking about the intern before i fell asleep.
and tonight i'm pretty awake. i am feeling the beginning of a coffee kick again.
i'm afraid to get all burnt on it again. to get sad again. to start obsessing again.
i feel like it's important to say that when i re-read my post from yesterday (which is what i do before i write the next one), that i wasn't sad yesterday. the thing about crying? it was just a release. i was more angry than anything, but really i wasn't that angry either.
i wasn't anything.
maybe that's why i wanted emotion caused by other people. but i cried and then wanted to cry more. but it wasn't because i was sad or depressed.
i just wanted to say that. to clarify.
i haven't been sad. in fact, this was the best weekend i've had in a long, long time. maybe since that first weekend i was out on my own. when i was writing the novel and getting a lot done. all that liberation work.
i needed it.
nothing earth shattering happened. i didn't even make out with any cute boys.
i just bought a couple of things that made me really excited for my new life.
and i did some things that drastically improve the time i spend in my car. which is more and more lately.
quality of life things.
and i bought another set of movies.
is that what people do when they live alone, and they're happy alone? do they watch movies by themselves?
because i keep finding myself buying all these movies. at best buy, they also had $5 movies. so i got uncle buck and son in law, because my vhs's of them were both gone and no longer okay to watch. and i got the usual suspects. because it's awesome and i haven't seen it enough to get references to it.
and so i can stare at kevin spacey and say, 'i made a large skim latte for him.' which is the coolest thing that has ever happened in my life of caffeine.
and then they had the $8 double movie pack of say anything with garden state. but that's already been covered. yesterday, and a week ago. or two. something like that.
so i didn't watch charlie and the chocolate factory yet. or the sandlot, in clear dvd format.
and this week, i intend to watch son in law and laugh my ass off.
nina is instructing me to watch veronica mars.
kit is instructing me to watch all of sex and the city.
my sister warned me, but said i need to watch ps i love you.
that it's really sad.
maybe when i feel like wallowing.
so kit got netflix on wii.
and now, like a lot of things that kit gets, i want it.
we watched the ugly truth that way today.
and for someone who is as movie retarded as i am, and now who has this much time on her hands, i think it's a pretty kickass idea.
no mailing things, no waiting for things. just instant gratification.
and since i don't have cable for $20 a month, i should allow myself $10 a month.
or i should stop buying things i want and having things i've been deprived of. save up for vacation, and better yet, pay off these damned credit cards.
i wouldn't go so far as to say i'm being irresponsible.
but i know exactly what this is.
i gave up so many things i wanted for so long. and if i tried to go out and get them for myself, i'd back out. because i'd feel guilt over ever. he'd tell me to buy clothes, and i'd put things back because i knew it was money we needed for something else.
and now i don't have ever guilting me. not that he was. but he was what i had guilt about.
so now i spend when i want. on what i want.
combined with the fact that there's money there to spend.
it's amazing.
today i bought new shoes for work. because the ones i bought a year ago and six months ago are worn out. like, holes through the bottoms of my crocs worn out.
and i found out they discontinued the shoes that i am in love with. and it makes me want to stockpile.
but because they stopped when i wasn't buying them, now i can't find them.
i got a radical pair of plum shoes. and the lady already shipped them to me.
and nina's giving me her teal ones if they fit. otherwise, i'll buy those also.
i love this shoe. i don't want to have to find the next new thing. these are the best shoes on the planet. i love them. they keep my feet happy after ten hour days. that is worth something.
i also bought my contacts. necessary every six months.
all my six month expenditures.
i really want a new pair of glasses, but they aren't necessary, because i have a decent pair that i can still wear.
mine are between two and three years old. i love the frames, so i guess that's why i'm not in a rush.
i will shop for clothes when i'm home. i don't want to do it here, or i'll have nothing to do when i'm there with mom and aubree.
it's almost one. i hate sundays before mondays.
i don't want to work. i don't want to have to work.
why can't i just be independently wealthy?
i just want to write. and read. and talk to my friends all day. and all night. and sleep late. and cook and bake. and make coffee for one. or two, if kit swings by.
that's all i want. i think it's because, in three week's time, i'll be on a seemingly endless vacation.
if the jean fits... / unfriended. june 5th.
yep.
day four = getting somewhere.
it's not perfect. but it is enough to keep me going.
i think the theme this weekend is encouragement.
maybe it's time for new mantras.
i am happy.
i am focused.
i am fun.
i am committed.
i am funny.
i am smart enough.
i am excited.
i am pleased with my life right now.
just promise to make me read this next week when i'm low again. these things tend to be fleeting. i'll ride this wave where it takes me.
right now it's taking me to the bar. for some stoli and diet.
... coffee.write.sleep.repeat will continue in a moment...
monumental day here.
well, night.
today was great. tonight was also great.
just like the other day in the car, listening to rage, today the first thing i played on the ipod was dr dre. again, felt like a badass. i did skip around more than i thought i wanted to. but it was rad regardless.
and i thought it was funny today when kit said she got unfriended by ever.
and i was showing her this thing on his page, something that i felt he was not the author of.
in any case, tonight, i sat down in front of the computer. tomorrow is his birthday.
well, technically now it is his birthday.
today when i got the car ipod jack set up, i bought ever a cd wallet for all of his cds that i pulled out of my cases.
i thought it a nice gesture. and i only justified it because it's his birthday. so i thought i could spend $26 on him.
and tonight, i noticed that his birthday warning was removed from my friend section. and i realized that he had unfriended me.
it was a relief. it did piss me off. but i had thought about it lately.
and i had him all but blocked anyway.
so, i did what any divorcing woman would do who was unfriended by her soon to be ex husband.
i changed my name. i dropped my married last name, so now it's just the first two names that i already had on there.
it was scary. i debated doing it. i really intended to wait until the divorce was filed.
but at this rate, maybe i file a name change first. i don't really know.
i've written about the speed with which i wish to become not his wife. and to no longer bear his last name.
and i'm sure he'll have some smart ass comment about whether the divorce was finalized or not, yet.
i do not fucking care. i sent him a message. it just said '36'.
it's a joke that he won't get. because he could never remember how old he was. so he'd always ask me. and i'd always tell him.
it also let him know that i know he is not my friend. i was going to post that anyway.
and it will also come up as being from one tea vee.
suck it, ever.
and then i watched intervention again. because i hadn't gotten enough crying out of my system today.
it's funny. i knew i'd cry when i watched say anything. and i knew i'd cry when i watched intervention. though they are very different types of crying.
say anything was the heartbroken wistful cry. not my broken heart, but theirs. when she gets into her car and cries. when he calls his sister in the rain. of course, the part with the radio.
intervention is the raw reaction i have to seeing grown men cry, more often than not. and the relief when the people go.
and i always cry at the very end when it says that they've been sober since such and such date.
because it's nice to see that there is hope. for at least a few people.
i should probably feel different.
but i'm supposed to eliminate the word should from my vocabulary.
that's right. the cat is out of the bag.
and now that he's not my friend, it will be pretty neat to see what people have to say. and to not worry about him seeing it. who will even notice, and who won't.
i don't know how long it was between the former roommate's name change and when i noticed it. the silent drop.
in a way it makes me want to be very low key, comment wise.
and in a way, it makes me want to jump up and down.
also, tonight was good because i figured out that my most trusted friend some days, pbr, is only 12 carbs.
suffice it to say that, like a lays chip, i can't have just one.
but knowing that once i go home, i can drink them and not feel bad about it. they even make pbr light. and that's cool, too. i still fear the beer belly. i'll keep it trashy. fair trade.
this time next week, i'll be under the stars. i'll be in a tent i pitched. i'll be happy. i'll feel different. i'll feel smaller. i'll feel in awe of the universe i live in.
this time next week, i'll have a lot more to be grateful for. i'll have a road trip under my belt. without ever. for the first time since new years with nate.
this time next week, i'll have two weeks until i go home.
this time next week, i'll try to have a mediator picked out. i'll try to have the paperwork drafted.
this time next week, i'll have a catering behind me.
this time next week, i'll have a better sense of my place in this world. this universe. on this planet. in this country. in this region. the five hour drive to higher elevation and cooler weather will be refreshing.
i'm too excited to sleep. it's 3 am. again. i woke up at 1230 today. i cannot do that tomorrow.
also, i've been toying with the idea of starting another blog.
i want to have something that is not so top secret.
this will remain my outlet for all things divorce related.
the other can be more for writing exercises and fiction, possibly.
i thought i'd call it one of the funny names i made up when my priorities were different.
day four = getting somewhere.
it's not perfect. but it is enough to keep me going.
i think the theme this weekend is encouragement.
maybe it's time for new mantras.
i am happy.
i am focused.
i am fun.
i am committed.
i am funny.
i am smart enough.
i am excited.
i am pleased with my life right now.
just promise to make me read this next week when i'm low again. these things tend to be fleeting. i'll ride this wave where it takes me.
right now it's taking me to the bar. for some stoli and diet.
... coffee.write.sleep.repeat will continue in a moment...
monumental day here.
well, night.
today was great. tonight was also great.
just like the other day in the car, listening to rage, today the first thing i played on the ipod was dr dre. again, felt like a badass. i did skip around more than i thought i wanted to. but it was rad regardless.
and i thought it was funny today when kit said she got unfriended by ever.
and i was showing her this thing on his page, something that i felt he was not the author of.
in any case, tonight, i sat down in front of the computer. tomorrow is his birthday.
well, technically now it is his birthday.
today when i got the car ipod jack set up, i bought ever a cd wallet for all of his cds that i pulled out of my cases.
i thought it a nice gesture. and i only justified it because it's his birthday. so i thought i could spend $26 on him.
and tonight, i noticed that his birthday warning was removed from my friend section. and i realized that he had unfriended me.
it was a relief. it did piss me off. but i had thought about it lately.
and i had him all but blocked anyway.
so, i did what any divorcing woman would do who was unfriended by her soon to be ex husband.
i changed my name. i dropped my married last name, so now it's just the first two names that i already had on there.
it was scary. i debated doing it. i really intended to wait until the divorce was filed.
but at this rate, maybe i file a name change first. i don't really know.
i've written about the speed with which i wish to become not his wife. and to no longer bear his last name.
and i'm sure he'll have some smart ass comment about whether the divorce was finalized or not, yet.
i do not fucking care. i sent him a message. it just said '36'.
it's a joke that he won't get. because he could never remember how old he was. so he'd always ask me. and i'd always tell him.
it also let him know that i know he is not my friend. i was going to post that anyway.
and it will also come up as being from one tea vee.
suck it, ever.
and then i watched intervention again. because i hadn't gotten enough crying out of my system today.
it's funny. i knew i'd cry when i watched say anything. and i knew i'd cry when i watched intervention. though they are very different types of crying.
say anything was the heartbroken wistful cry. not my broken heart, but theirs. when she gets into her car and cries. when he calls his sister in the rain. of course, the part with the radio.
intervention is the raw reaction i have to seeing grown men cry, more often than not. and the relief when the people go.
and i always cry at the very end when it says that they've been sober since such and such date.
because it's nice to see that there is hope. for at least a few people.
i should probably feel different.
but i'm supposed to eliminate the word should from my vocabulary.
that's right. the cat is out of the bag.
and now that he's not my friend, it will be pretty neat to see what people have to say. and to not worry about him seeing it. who will even notice, and who won't.
i don't know how long it was between the former roommate's name change and when i noticed it. the silent drop.
in a way it makes me want to be very low key, comment wise.
and in a way, it makes me want to jump up and down.
also, tonight was good because i figured out that my most trusted friend some days, pbr, is only 12 carbs.
suffice it to say that, like a lays chip, i can't have just one.
but knowing that once i go home, i can drink them and not feel bad about it. they even make pbr light. and that's cool, too. i still fear the beer belly. i'll keep it trashy. fair trade.
this time next week, i'll be under the stars. i'll be in a tent i pitched. i'll be happy. i'll feel different. i'll feel smaller. i'll feel in awe of the universe i live in.
this time next week, i'll have a lot more to be grateful for. i'll have a road trip under my belt. without ever. for the first time since new years with nate.
this time next week, i'll have two weeks until i go home.
this time next week, i'll try to have a mediator picked out. i'll try to have the paperwork drafted.
this time next week, i'll have a catering behind me.
this time next week, i'll have a better sense of my place in this world. this universe. on this planet. in this country. in this region. the five hour drive to higher elevation and cooler weather will be refreshing.
i'm too excited to sleep. it's 3 am. again. i woke up at 1230 today. i cannot do that tomorrow.
also, i've been toying with the idea of starting another blog.
i want to have something that is not so top secret.
this will remain my outlet for all things divorce related.
the other can be more for writing exercises and fiction, possibly.
i thought i'd call it one of the funny names i made up when my priorities were different.
good fortune. june 4th.
good day following a rough night.
so for a few days now, i was really stuck on the ever drama. i guess that is what drama is.
well, that and scrabble.
so when i got home from work yesterday, all i wanted to do was plug in.
and i did.
and then checked work email and remembered that i have a catering.
and had a wicked bad panic attack from about 1030 until well after 11. everything i had to do, everything i'd let fall to the wayside. i did something incredibly stupid at work. because i wasn't thinking. not worth getting into mundane details here, but i pissed off the dean of the school that i am working in. and i knew it could happen, and then i let it happen.
really stupid. caught a huge rash of shit for it, too.
figured that out right before remembering the catering.
so i made a huge list. a person one. and a work one. it took up a full sheet of paper.
and i woke up at 530 like i do every day now that i'm on that schedule. and i couldn't fall back asleep.
and i got up and started crossing things off my list.
i had such a good day. great day.
first, i had to take the car in. the service lady told me it would probably be $130 to have the a/c fixed because it isn't covered. they gave me a ride to work which was awesome.
got there to find out that the catering isn't monday as i had panicked thinking. it's tuesday. so now i'm really ahead, instead of being behind and totally fucked.
work was fine. got a lot accomplished. marked off like eight more things from the list.
then came home after waiting forever for the bus. literally, maybe forty minutes. which is ludicrous.
talked to my sister on my way home. while she was driving home to mom and dad's.
then got ready for a night out. a little prematurely. drove kit's car to pick her up, so she could take me to the car dealership.
got my car. bill was ZERO dollars.
fucking amazing.
with air conditioning.
it was so great. i didn't realize how upset i had been for the last months over it. until i turned it on and it worked. i giggled for at least three full minutes. it was stupendous.
we decided in the parking lot to go on a joint adventure to liberties.
so kit followed me in her car, parked my car for the show i'd promised a friend from work that i'd go to. he was in a band that i never made it out to see. but has a solo project that is a german rap parody.
went with her to a friend's graduation party after dropping off my car. then she brought me back.
and the show was hilarious. laughing the whole time. he was really funny. and entertaining. and convincing. it was great.
and i had decided to leave right after him. but the next band was setting up. and they were incredible but i couldn't stay for more than one song.
they're one of those bands whose live show is what makes them.
they had this whole midi sequence of the song 'jump', to the video of david lee roth doing his thing back in the early eighties. it was awesome.
and the whole time i kept thinking they were going to be all hype. and probably disappointing. maybe the fog machine and special lights made me think that.
but they weren't. they had this whole animated intro.
http://www.youtube.com/user/sunbearsmusic#p/a/u/1/Aw8z8B5UlCA
it spelled out their name. it was this little anime girl. they were a two piece. which always wins in my book. do more with less, right?. and the bass was super fuzzy, which i love. it almost sounded like keys.
but the whole thing on the screen while they played music that made me think of the apples in stereo, and which ben nailed when he said flaming lips, just made me think, 'i've had acid trips that looked like that.'
it made me trip out for a second. call it a flashback if you want.
but it was really cool. only my back was killing me. and my tooth was killing me. and i had to leave because i couldn't stand there anymore.
so i bought a cd and took ben's friend home.
see, this thing happened here two nights ago.
i knew something had happened from fb posts from a bar in liberties.
but i didn't know what. and then one of my employees told me the whole story at work yesterday morning.
some girl, almost 21. went to a bar. went to a friend's house after. biked home. was abducted from her doorstep.
strangled with her own bra. beaten horribly. stripped naked and raped. and left in an abandoned lot behind her house.
totally fucked up.
i thought the girl had just been attacked. i didn't know that she had died.
so when i got home today, waiting for kit, i was looking into it. to see if i knew her. the girl who told me knows friends of hers. i didn't know her and had never seen her around before.
anyways, i got kindof entrenched in it. read a ton of articles about it.
the whole city is talking about it. but especially that neighborhood. and where i was tonight was just a few blocks away.
it was really scary. and everyone in the neighborhood is talking about it. walking around with another friend, she was teaching me stuff she learned in her self defense class.
so when i met a friend of ben's, i told her i'd drop her off at home if we walked to my car together. and then ben walked with us for backup.
on my way home, this guy driving a convertible mercedes was driving all over the road. weaving like nothing i'd ever seen before. he had to have been completely black out drunk. i kept honking at him, because he nearly hit the car ahead of me. then me. then a bus. then a car ahead of me again.
if i hadn't had one drink, i would have called from the road, but couldn't do it. i wrote his tag down and was horrified when he got onto 95. super fucking scary.
came home. watched two episodes of intervention. which i'm obsessed with also. i think because i always kindof wanted to be in that type of work. no junkie wants to hear someone who has never been addicted tell them to come out of it, so i gave up on that thought. but i always have been fascinated with addiction.
so i watched four stories, and cried and loved it.
and then i logged into fb.
dear nina,
you already know that i love you.
but i'd like to take this opportunity to say thank you for starting that game of scrabble with coffee.
you're the best.
love, tea.
because i won that game.
but he started the next one.
what a nice thing to have waiting when i got home from the show.
i guess this is the thing...
i was really afraid to go out alone. so i kept flaking.
and then i sucked it up. and i went alone.
and it was so much FUN! i loved it.
which means that i'm encouraged to do it again. classic conditioning. thanks, pavlov.
and then a sweet reward at home.
got the car fixed for free. which made me happier beyond words.
tomorrow, i go to get the ipod jack installed in the car. because i have waited long enough. and because the road trip to dark sky park is next weekend!!
i'm knocking things off my list, which makes me feel like i'm getting somewhere.
i still have a lot to do.
i will, until i go home.
but taking care of things is good.
and i got paid today.
day three of atkins was pretty awesome. i mean, i'm dying for sweet things. and bread. and chips.
i don't miss the fries as much as i thought that i would.
mostly, sweet things while i'm at work. that damn apple fritter stares me down. every single day.
now here it is. almost three am.
maybe all it takes to put me back into manic mode is one really awesome night.
i hope i can sleep in tomorrow. i have my eye mask now. along with my earplugs i sleep with every night.
it should be pretty awesome.
i'm nearly certain that all of my bills are paid. so i'm going to make a credit card payment. which is great. and i'm also going to do the car thing. and buy contacts. stupid things. but they're on my list.
i love the feeling of freedom. freedom from ever's life. and lifestyle.
i love being able to get things that i want after i work really hard and get paid for it.
i love feeling like i'm already making an improvement to my body, even though it is intense and strange.
i guess the plan is to do atkins for two weeks. then slowly reintroduce carbs a week before i go home. along with going tot he gym. i just needed a kickstart. get rid of the beer belly. then hit the gym. so i'm in that mode when i go home. because mom and aubree both are gym rats. so it will be a great way to hang with them and do something to feel better about myself.
the skinny jeans are still tight. but not for long.
two weeks.
one week. then two weeks. then three weeks.
i am coming unglued i'm so excited.
to see nina again. and to have kit home. to see aubree and my parents.
to be poolside for fourteen glorious days.
to settle something that i've left unattended for too long.
to put it to rest.
though i really want to file before i leave, and feel that slowly slipping away from me.
i think that i will call the mediator on monday.
i have to. i don't like the people i can find online. i'm also waiting to hear from a friend whose fiancee just graduated from law school. he can't advise me because he also knows ever. but he can recommend his lawyer friends. and one of them will probably give me free advice.
maybe the one who i cleaned up after when he had too much to drink at their xmas party. or someone else who was there.
i don't know.
i will need some time alone tomorrow. but also will probably feel pretty wound up.
nate's dancing weekend has been put off indefinitely. and i've been squashing that down for a few weeks now, thinking he'd be here next week for the last few. so now i'm dying to go.
sleep. it is a long lost friend.
i hope i have nice dreams. and that i can stay asleep late to dream them.
but now, i'm tired. and thinking good thoughts.
so for a few days now, i was really stuck on the ever drama. i guess that is what drama is.
well, that and scrabble.
so when i got home from work yesterday, all i wanted to do was plug in.
and i did.
and then checked work email and remembered that i have a catering.
and had a wicked bad panic attack from about 1030 until well after 11. everything i had to do, everything i'd let fall to the wayside. i did something incredibly stupid at work. because i wasn't thinking. not worth getting into mundane details here, but i pissed off the dean of the school that i am working in. and i knew it could happen, and then i let it happen.
really stupid. caught a huge rash of shit for it, too.
figured that out right before remembering the catering.
so i made a huge list. a person one. and a work one. it took up a full sheet of paper.
and i woke up at 530 like i do every day now that i'm on that schedule. and i couldn't fall back asleep.
and i got up and started crossing things off my list.
i had such a good day. great day.
first, i had to take the car in. the service lady told me it would probably be $130 to have the a/c fixed because it isn't covered. they gave me a ride to work which was awesome.
got there to find out that the catering isn't monday as i had panicked thinking. it's tuesday. so now i'm really ahead, instead of being behind and totally fucked.
work was fine. got a lot accomplished. marked off like eight more things from the list.
then came home after waiting forever for the bus. literally, maybe forty minutes. which is ludicrous.
talked to my sister on my way home. while she was driving home to mom and dad's.
then got ready for a night out. a little prematurely. drove kit's car to pick her up, so she could take me to the car dealership.
got my car. bill was ZERO dollars.
fucking amazing.
with air conditioning.
it was so great. i didn't realize how upset i had been for the last months over it. until i turned it on and it worked. i giggled for at least three full minutes. it was stupendous.
we decided in the parking lot to go on a joint adventure to liberties.
so kit followed me in her car, parked my car for the show i'd promised a friend from work that i'd go to. he was in a band that i never made it out to see. but has a solo project that is a german rap parody.
went with her to a friend's graduation party after dropping off my car. then she brought me back.
and the show was hilarious. laughing the whole time. he was really funny. and entertaining. and convincing. it was great.
and i had decided to leave right after him. but the next band was setting up. and they were incredible but i couldn't stay for more than one song.
they're one of those bands whose live show is what makes them.
they had this whole midi sequence of the song 'jump', to the video of david lee roth doing his thing back in the early eighties. it was awesome.
and the whole time i kept thinking they were going to be all hype. and probably disappointing. maybe the fog machine and special lights made me think that.
but they weren't. they had this whole animated intro.
http://www.youtube.com/user/sunbearsmusic#p/a/u/1/Aw8z8B5UlCA
it spelled out their name. it was this little anime girl. they were a two piece. which always wins in my book. do more with less, right?. and the bass was super fuzzy, which i love. it almost sounded like keys.
but the whole thing on the screen while they played music that made me think of the apples in stereo, and which ben nailed when he said flaming lips, just made me think, 'i've had acid trips that looked like that.'
it made me trip out for a second. call it a flashback if you want.
but it was really cool. only my back was killing me. and my tooth was killing me. and i had to leave because i couldn't stand there anymore.
so i bought a cd and took ben's friend home.
see, this thing happened here two nights ago.
i knew something had happened from fb posts from a bar in liberties.
but i didn't know what. and then one of my employees told me the whole story at work yesterday morning.
some girl, almost 21. went to a bar. went to a friend's house after. biked home. was abducted from her doorstep.
strangled with her own bra. beaten horribly. stripped naked and raped. and left in an abandoned lot behind her house.
totally fucked up.
i thought the girl had just been attacked. i didn't know that she had died.
so when i got home today, waiting for kit, i was looking into it. to see if i knew her. the girl who told me knows friends of hers. i didn't know her and had never seen her around before.
anyways, i got kindof entrenched in it. read a ton of articles about it.
the whole city is talking about it. but especially that neighborhood. and where i was tonight was just a few blocks away.
it was really scary. and everyone in the neighborhood is talking about it. walking around with another friend, she was teaching me stuff she learned in her self defense class.
so when i met a friend of ben's, i told her i'd drop her off at home if we walked to my car together. and then ben walked with us for backup.
on my way home, this guy driving a convertible mercedes was driving all over the road. weaving like nothing i'd ever seen before. he had to have been completely black out drunk. i kept honking at him, because he nearly hit the car ahead of me. then me. then a bus. then a car ahead of me again.
if i hadn't had one drink, i would have called from the road, but couldn't do it. i wrote his tag down and was horrified when he got onto 95. super fucking scary.
came home. watched two episodes of intervention. which i'm obsessed with also. i think because i always kindof wanted to be in that type of work. no junkie wants to hear someone who has never been addicted tell them to come out of it, so i gave up on that thought. but i always have been fascinated with addiction.
so i watched four stories, and cried and loved it.
and then i logged into fb.
dear nina,
you already know that i love you.
but i'd like to take this opportunity to say thank you for starting that game of scrabble with coffee.
you're the best.
love, tea.
because i won that game.
but he started the next one.
what a nice thing to have waiting when i got home from the show.
i guess this is the thing...
i was really afraid to go out alone. so i kept flaking.
and then i sucked it up. and i went alone.
and it was so much FUN! i loved it.
which means that i'm encouraged to do it again. classic conditioning. thanks, pavlov.
and then a sweet reward at home.
got the car fixed for free. which made me happier beyond words.
tomorrow, i go to get the ipod jack installed in the car. because i have waited long enough. and because the road trip to dark sky park is next weekend!!
i'm knocking things off my list, which makes me feel like i'm getting somewhere.
i still have a lot to do.
i will, until i go home.
but taking care of things is good.
and i got paid today.
day three of atkins was pretty awesome. i mean, i'm dying for sweet things. and bread. and chips.
i don't miss the fries as much as i thought that i would.
mostly, sweet things while i'm at work. that damn apple fritter stares me down. every single day.
now here it is. almost three am.
maybe all it takes to put me back into manic mode is one really awesome night.
i hope i can sleep in tomorrow. i have my eye mask now. along with my earplugs i sleep with every night.
it should be pretty awesome.
i'm nearly certain that all of my bills are paid. so i'm going to make a credit card payment. which is great. and i'm also going to do the car thing. and buy contacts. stupid things. but they're on my list.
i love the feeling of freedom. freedom from ever's life. and lifestyle.
i love being able to get things that i want after i work really hard and get paid for it.
i love feeling like i'm already making an improvement to my body, even though it is intense and strange.
i guess the plan is to do atkins for two weeks. then slowly reintroduce carbs a week before i go home. along with going tot he gym. i just needed a kickstart. get rid of the beer belly. then hit the gym. so i'm in that mode when i go home. because mom and aubree both are gym rats. so it will be a great way to hang with them and do something to feel better about myself.
the skinny jeans are still tight. but not for long.
two weeks.
one week. then two weeks. then three weeks.
i am coming unglued i'm so excited.
to see nina again. and to have kit home. to see aubree and my parents.
to be poolside for fourteen glorious days.
to settle something that i've left unattended for too long.
to put it to rest.
though i really want to file before i leave, and feel that slowly slipping away from me.
i think that i will call the mediator on monday.
i have to. i don't like the people i can find online. i'm also waiting to hear from a friend whose fiancee just graduated from law school. he can't advise me because he also knows ever. but he can recommend his lawyer friends. and one of them will probably give me free advice.
maybe the one who i cleaned up after when he had too much to drink at their xmas party. or someone else who was there.
i don't know.
i will need some time alone tomorrow. but also will probably feel pretty wound up.
nate's dancing weekend has been put off indefinitely. and i've been squashing that down for a few weeks now, thinking he'd be here next week for the last few. so now i'm dying to go.
sleep. it is a long lost friend.
i hope i have nice dreams. and that i can stay asleep late to dream them.
but now, i'm tired. and thinking good thoughts.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)