good fortune. june 4th.

good day following a rough night.

so for a few days now, i was really stuck on the ever drama. i guess that is what drama is.

well, that and scrabble.

so when i got home from work yesterday, all i wanted to do was plug in.

and i did.

and then checked work email and remembered that i have a catering.

and had a wicked bad panic attack from about 1030 until well after 11. everything i had to do, everything i'd let fall to the wayside. i did something incredibly stupid at work. because i wasn't thinking. not worth getting into mundane details here, but i pissed off the dean of the school that i am working in. and i knew it could happen, and then i let it happen.

really stupid. caught a huge rash of shit for it, too.

figured that out right before remembering the catering.


so i made a huge list. a person one. and a work one. it took up a full sheet of paper.

and i woke up at 530 like i do every day now that i'm on that schedule. and i couldn't fall back asleep.

and i got up and started crossing things off my list.


i had such a good day. great day.

first, i had to take the car in. the service lady told me it would probably be $130 to have the a/c fixed because it isn't covered. they gave me a ride to work which was awesome.

got there to find out that the catering isn't monday as i had panicked thinking. it's tuesday. so now i'm really ahead, instead of being behind and totally fucked.

work was fine. got a lot accomplished. marked off like eight more things from the list.

then came home after waiting forever for the bus. literally, maybe forty minutes. which is ludicrous.

talked to my sister on my way home. while she was driving home to mom and dad's.

then got ready for a night out. a little prematurely. drove kit's car to pick her up, so she could take me to the car dealership.

got my car. bill was ZERO dollars.

fucking amazing.

with air conditioning.

it was so great. i didn't realize how upset i had been for the last months over it. until i turned it on and it worked. i giggled for at least three full minutes. it was stupendous.

we decided in the parking lot to go on a joint adventure to liberties.

so kit followed me in her car, parked my car for the show i'd promised a friend from work that i'd go to. he was in a band that i never made it out to see. but has a solo project that is a german rap parody.

went with her to a friend's graduation party after dropping off my car. then she brought me back.

and the show was hilarious. laughing the whole time. he was really funny. and entertaining. and convincing. it was great.

and i had decided to leave right after him. but the next band was setting up. and they were incredible but i couldn't stay for more than one song.

they're one of those bands whose live show is what makes them.

they had this whole midi sequence of the song 'jump', to the video of david lee roth doing his thing back in the early eighties. it was awesome.

and the whole time i kept thinking they were going to be all hype. and probably disappointing. maybe the fog machine and special lights made me think that.

but they weren't. they had this whole animated intro.

http://www.youtube.com/user/sunbearsmusic#p/a/u/1/Aw8z8B5UlCA

it spelled out their name. it was this little anime girl. they were a two piece. which always wins in my book. do more with less, right?. and the bass was super fuzzy, which i love. it almost sounded like keys.

but the whole thing on the screen while they played music that made me think of the apples in stereo, and which ben nailed when he said flaming lips, just made me think, 'i've had acid trips that looked like that.'

it made me trip out for a second. call it a flashback if you want.

but it was really cool. only my back was killing me. and my tooth was killing me. and i had to leave because i couldn't stand there anymore.

so i bought a cd and took ben's friend home.


see, this thing happened here two nights ago.

i knew something had happened from fb posts from a bar in liberties.

but i didn't know what. and then one of my employees told me the whole story at work yesterday morning.

some girl, almost 21. went to a bar. went to a friend's house after. biked home. was abducted from her doorstep.

strangled with her own bra. beaten horribly. stripped naked and raped. and left in an abandoned lot behind her house.

totally fucked up.

i thought the girl had just been attacked. i didn't know that she had died.

so when i got home today, waiting for kit, i was looking into it. to see if i knew her. the girl who told me knows friends of hers. i didn't know her and had never seen her around before.

anyways, i got kindof entrenched in it. read a ton of articles about it.

the whole city is talking about it. but especially that neighborhood. and where i was tonight was just a few blocks away.

it was really scary. and everyone in the neighborhood is talking about it. walking around with another friend, she was teaching me stuff she learned in her self defense class.

so when i met a friend of ben's, i told her i'd drop her off at home if we walked to my car together. and then ben walked with us for backup.


on my way home, this guy driving a convertible mercedes was driving all over the road. weaving like nothing i'd ever seen before. he had to have been completely black out drunk. i kept honking at him, because he nearly hit the car ahead of me. then me. then a bus. then a car ahead of me again.

if i hadn't had one drink, i would have called from the road, but couldn't do it. i wrote his tag down and was horrified when he got onto 95. super fucking scary.


came home. watched two episodes of intervention. which i'm obsessed with also. i think because i always kindof wanted to be in that type of work. no junkie wants to hear someone who has never been addicted tell them to come out of it, so i gave up on that thought. but i always have been fascinated with addiction.

so i watched four stories, and cried and loved it.

and then i logged into fb.


dear nina,

you already know that i love you.

but i'd like to take this opportunity to say thank you for starting that game of scrabble with coffee.

you're the best.

love, tea.


because i won that game.

but he started the next one.

what a nice thing to have waiting when i got home from the show.


i guess this is the thing...

i was really afraid to go out alone. so i kept flaking.

and then i sucked it up. and i went alone.

and it was so much FUN! i loved it.

which means that i'm encouraged to do it again. classic conditioning. thanks, pavlov.


and then a sweet reward at home.

got the car fixed for free. which made me happier beyond words.


tomorrow, i go to get the ipod jack installed in the car. because i have waited long enough. and because the road trip to dark sky park is next weekend!!


i'm knocking things off my list, which makes me feel like i'm getting somewhere.

i still have a lot to do.

i will, until i go home.

but taking care of things is good.

and i got paid today.


day three of atkins was pretty awesome. i mean, i'm dying for sweet things. and bread. and chips.

i don't miss the fries as much as i thought that i would.

mostly, sweet things while i'm at work. that damn apple fritter stares me down. every single day.


now here it is. almost three am.

maybe all it takes to put me back into manic mode is one really awesome night.


i hope i can sleep in tomorrow. i have my eye mask now. along with my earplugs i sleep with every night.

it should be pretty awesome.


i'm nearly certain that all of my bills are paid. so i'm going to make a credit card payment. which is great. and i'm also going to do the car thing. and buy contacts. stupid things. but they're on my list.


i love the feeling of freedom. freedom from ever's life. and lifestyle.

i love being able to get things that i want after i work really hard and get paid for it.


i love feeling like i'm already making an improvement to my body, even though it is intense and strange.

i guess the plan is to do atkins for two weeks. then slowly reintroduce carbs a week before i go home. along with going tot he gym. i just needed a kickstart. get rid of the beer belly. then hit the gym. so i'm in that mode when i go home. because mom and aubree both are gym rats. so it will be a great way to hang with them and do something to feel better about myself.

the skinny jeans are still tight. but not for long.

two weeks.


one week. then two weeks. then three weeks.

i am coming unglued i'm so excited.

to see nina again. and to have kit home. to see aubree and my parents.

to be poolside for fourteen glorious days.


to settle something that i've left unattended for too long.

to put it to rest.


though i really want to file before i leave, and feel that slowly slipping away from me.

i think that i will call the mediator on monday.

i have to. i don't like the people i can find online. i'm also waiting to hear from a friend whose fiancee just graduated from law school. he can't advise me because he also knows ever. but he can recommend his lawyer friends. and one of them will probably give me free advice.

maybe the one who i cleaned up after when he had too much to drink at their xmas party. or someone else who was there.


i don't know.

i will need some time alone tomorrow. but also will probably feel pretty wound up.

nate's dancing weekend has been put off indefinitely. and i've been squashing that down for a few weeks now, thinking he'd be here next week for the last few. so now i'm dying to go.


sleep. it is a long lost friend.

i hope i have nice dreams. and that i can stay asleep late to dream them.

but now, i'm tired. and thinking good thoughts.