dear eleven eleven,
i don't really remember when you and i became something special.
it was probably when i was nineteen, like everything else.
but i'm going to need to ask you a favor.
i either need for you to come through for me, or i'm going to need to ask you to stay the hell away from me.
i don't want to see you anymore. i don't want to think about you anymore.
i certainly don't want to feel like you are something to believe in.
i don't know why i have put so much faith in you.
you've never done anything to deserve it. and really? i think you and the lucky cigarette should just go fly a fucking kite.
because you are kindof a waste of time and energy.
sometimes i think that you are only around to make me feel bad about myself and my choices.
i don't like you anymore.
and i don't care if i ever see you again.
alright.
that was a little dramatic.
but the point is... i'm going to have to get over this silly thinking. putting stock in superstitions.
because, seriously, it's getting ridiculous.
i'm watching pee-wee's big adventure.
i used to know this movie by heart.
there are a lot of things that i've seen more recently that kindof echo in my head. like, i know all the words. only i can't say them. but everything is so familiar.
this movie is like that.
i love it.
from the opening sequence, i was cracking up.
it's awesome.
i love tim burton. i love pee-wee. i love danny elfman.
i remember thinking that my elementary school music teacher composed must with him. as in, in person. because our school musicals would say 'written and composed by danny elfman and kris mcintyre'.
how funny.
large marge. awesome.
beer with kit now. at the bar. it's going to be nice to go after being away for a while.
and so awesome not being alone.
i need this.
happy almost friday.
i need that, too.
aubree's birthday. november 10th.
i didn't talk to her yet, she's out now. but i did text her.
i nearly forgot her birthday. i should have sent something, but only remembered yesterday.
i saw 1111 at work today, and i didn't make a wish, because they've been defeating me.
and i realized today that tomorrow IS eleven eleven.
i am planning to go to the bar after work tomorrow. hopefully kit can join me, because i don't want to go alone.
and i don't want to think about it.
my new boy at work, who i wouldn't have chosen, but who i think might be flirting with me, winked at me today.
it made me feel better.
there was a big thing at work yesterday, and one today. with quinn.and i guess i'm just over the drama of her being the age she is.
she's not a suitable replacement for me. and that is unfortunate.
i have a hormone headache, and i'm having one beer before bed.
i'm tired but not sleepy. and this week has been easier, finally. save for the drama.
tomorrow is suck store again.
i'm not feeling it. or ready for it. but will i ever be? until it closes, i don't think that i will.
i nearly forgot her birthday. i should have sent something, but only remembered yesterday.
i saw 1111 at work today, and i didn't make a wish, because they've been defeating me.
and i realized today that tomorrow IS eleven eleven.
i am planning to go to the bar after work tomorrow. hopefully kit can join me, because i don't want to go alone.
and i don't want to think about it.
my new boy at work, who i wouldn't have chosen, but who i think might be flirting with me, winked at me today.
it made me feel better.
there was a big thing at work yesterday, and one today. with quinn.and i guess i'm just over the drama of her being the age she is.
she's not a suitable replacement for me. and that is unfortunate.
i have a hormone headache, and i'm having one beer before bed.
i'm tired but not sleepy. and this week has been easier, finally. save for the drama.
tomorrow is suck store again.
i'm not feeling it. or ready for it. but will i ever be? until it closes, i don't think that i will.
three for three. november 9th.
i am referring to movies. specifically, movies that make me cry.
on nina's recommendation, after becoming smitten with ryan gosling in 'the notebook', she said i'd absolutely love him in 'lars and the real girl'.
and i did.
but like 'up', i thought it would be funny.
and it was, both were. but there was also crying involved. are these movies not actually sad? is it just me? i know that 'up' was legitimately sad.
but lars? who knows.
also today, i saw a couple pictures of ever online.
i was looking at evet pictures taken by one of his roommates. and the pictures were alarming to me.
maybe they're just dramatic black and whites. but he looks sickly. too skinny.
and they were taken on the 4th of july. on our neighbor's deck. i recognized it from the previous 4th when we'd went. but because he burnt our dinner on the grill, we'd missed the fireworks. it was a sad night.
it was a strange thing to see. i've blocked him from seeing me. and if he saw my summer pictures somehow, he'd have seen me skinnier than he'd ever seen me. but in his case, it makes me think of pictures i saw when he was strung out. long before i came along. and i checked twice to see if there was a drink in his hand. and there was not.
i feel weird about it.
and of course, i don't want to think about it.
at the same time, i want to look at them again. i wonder what he's like now. because i'm very different than the person i was when i saw him last.
and he was all scruffy and unkempt. and he probably smelled. and i realize that you can't change what you really are, deep down. and i think that is why i struggle so hard on a day to day basis.
i saw sam today, walking my bike from work. said hi for a minute, and wondered if she'd think to tell me if my boyfriend had been by.
i'll probably always be like this.
but i'm actively fighting my urges, so maybe i am changing. it will be a slow and painful process.
because i'll always revert to what i know. don't we all?
all this crying has felt pretty good. i'm not going to lie. i just wish it wasn't a fictional sense of sadness that i'm crying for.
i wish i could just cry for my life sometimes.
and i almost did the other night after watching '500 days'. when i went to bed alone again. i felt it welling. but it didn't come.
nothing else to say. except this:
1111, ima get you.
today. and tonight.
seriously? not cool.
no matter what i wish, and it's almost always the same, it will never come true.
on nina's recommendation, after becoming smitten with ryan gosling in 'the notebook', she said i'd absolutely love him in 'lars and the real girl'.
and i did.
but like 'up', i thought it would be funny.
and it was, both were. but there was also crying involved. are these movies not actually sad? is it just me? i know that 'up' was legitimately sad.
but lars? who knows.
also today, i saw a couple pictures of ever online.
i was looking at evet pictures taken by one of his roommates. and the pictures were alarming to me.
maybe they're just dramatic black and whites. but he looks sickly. too skinny.
and they were taken on the 4th of july. on our neighbor's deck. i recognized it from the previous 4th when we'd went. but because he burnt our dinner on the grill, we'd missed the fireworks. it was a sad night.
it was a strange thing to see. i've blocked him from seeing me. and if he saw my summer pictures somehow, he'd have seen me skinnier than he'd ever seen me. but in his case, it makes me think of pictures i saw when he was strung out. long before i came along. and i checked twice to see if there was a drink in his hand. and there was not.
i feel weird about it.
and of course, i don't want to think about it.
at the same time, i want to look at them again. i wonder what he's like now. because i'm very different than the person i was when i saw him last.
and he was all scruffy and unkempt. and he probably smelled. and i realize that you can't change what you really are, deep down. and i think that is why i struggle so hard on a day to day basis.
i saw sam today, walking my bike from work. said hi for a minute, and wondered if she'd think to tell me if my boyfriend had been by.
i'll probably always be like this.
but i'm actively fighting my urges, so maybe i am changing. it will be a slow and painful process.
because i'll always revert to what i know. don't we all?
all this crying has felt pretty good. i'm not going to lie. i just wish it wasn't a fictional sense of sadness that i'm crying for.
i wish i could just cry for my life sometimes.
and i almost did the other night after watching '500 days'. when i went to bed alone again. i felt it welling. but it didn't come.
nothing else to say. except this:
1111, ima get you.
today. and tonight.
seriously? not cool.
no matter what i wish, and it's almost always the same, it will never come true.
'up'. and in the air. november 8th.
so one of the last tangled things with ever has been detangled. now all that is left is just the bank account. and the house ultimately.
i stay angry about every aspect of my job right now, and it just spills over into anger about ever. and everything else.
he hasn't paid the mortgage yet this month. which is no suprise. and i can't remember if i wrote about it or not, but he hasn't paid the homeowners insurance on the house for the last two months.
so today, i split it off into his name. and put the car in my own name. and gave them his number.
fucking DUMBASS.
i'd kill him, but it wouldn't be fun to visit me in jail. so there's that.
and i do feel like i am going a little crazy.
i saw 111 on saturday and yesterday. i saw 1111 last night, and actually said aloud to my alarm clock, 'that's just not fair. come ON!'. saw 1111 this morning at work, and 222 just now.
all these triple and quadruple numbers are making me a little crazy. and i just wrote that lottery story.
* * *
home from work.
jesus christ.
someone should have warned me about 'up'.
like five minutes in, i was bawling.
and then again. and again.
and then robbie called me.
and thought he woke me up. i was all, 'no. just crying at a movie.'
he said the rosa parks movie he watched last night made him cry.
i wrote 'sigh' and then erased it. i think it was the idea of a boy crying that i liked for a second. then i remembered that he hasn't been sleeping, so that probably explains it. not that someone wouldn't cry at the rosa parks story.
nevermind. stupid brain.
i hung up with him, and hit play, and started crying right when it restarted, because it was the last leg of the movie.
and again. and again.
i didn't see it coming, that's the thing.
i thought there was a heavy element to it, but once i got that out of the way right off the bat, i thought that it would be all chipper from there.
wrong.
i cried way more at this cartoon than i did at 500 days of summer.
ugh. then i was prepared for it.
i'm exhausted now. i feel like i've been hit by a bus.
and this couch is really uncomfortable.
but?
i have a new fridge.
that is awesome.
it hums. which is new and different.
and it doesn't pour water all over the floor.
which is also awesome.
man.
seriously.
that cartoon kicked my ass.
i'm such a sap.
so robbie called about getting a check from us, but i asked him if it was still raining, and he said that it stopped and that it's beautiful out. reminded him of driving to florida in the wintertime, and stopping in south carolina.
and i told him i was writing about fall just yesterday.
and now, a nice safe episode of the universe. and more writing exercises.
i'm determined to get another novel out of myself. i just want to create something. i really need to print out those comics and get a sketchbook. i keep forgetting about it until i want to draw, and then remembering. late at night when i can't go out and get one.
it's in the air. everyone is probably thinking it.
i stay angry about every aspect of my job right now, and it just spills over into anger about ever. and everything else.
he hasn't paid the mortgage yet this month. which is no suprise. and i can't remember if i wrote about it or not, but he hasn't paid the homeowners insurance on the house for the last two months.
so today, i split it off into his name. and put the car in my own name. and gave them his number.
fucking DUMBASS.
i'd kill him, but it wouldn't be fun to visit me in jail. so there's that.
and i do feel like i am going a little crazy.
i saw 111 on saturday and yesterday. i saw 1111 last night, and actually said aloud to my alarm clock, 'that's just not fair. come ON!'. saw 1111 this morning at work, and 222 just now.
all these triple and quadruple numbers are making me a little crazy. and i just wrote that lottery story.
* * *
home from work.
jesus christ.
someone should have warned me about 'up'.
like five minutes in, i was bawling.
and then again. and again.
and then robbie called me.
and thought he woke me up. i was all, 'no. just crying at a movie.'
he said the rosa parks movie he watched last night made him cry.
i wrote 'sigh' and then erased it. i think it was the idea of a boy crying that i liked for a second. then i remembered that he hasn't been sleeping, so that probably explains it. not that someone wouldn't cry at the rosa parks story.
nevermind. stupid brain.
i hung up with him, and hit play, and started crying right when it restarted, because it was the last leg of the movie.
and again. and again.
i didn't see it coming, that's the thing.
i thought there was a heavy element to it, but once i got that out of the way right off the bat, i thought that it would be all chipper from there.
wrong.
i cried way more at this cartoon than i did at 500 days of summer.
ugh. then i was prepared for it.
i'm exhausted now. i feel like i've been hit by a bus.
and this couch is really uncomfortable.
but?
i have a new fridge.
that is awesome.
it hums. which is new and different.
and it doesn't pour water all over the floor.
which is also awesome.
man.
seriously.
that cartoon kicked my ass.
i'm such a sap.
so robbie called about getting a check from us, but i asked him if it was still raining, and he said that it stopped and that it's beautiful out. reminded him of driving to florida in the wintertime, and stopping in south carolina.
and i told him i was writing about fall just yesterday.
and now, a nice safe episode of the universe. and more writing exercises.
i'm determined to get another novel out of myself. i just want to create something. i really need to print out those comics and get a sketchbook. i keep forgetting about it until i want to draw, and then remembering. late at night when i can't go out and get one.
it's in the air. everyone is probably thinking it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)