three for three. november 9th.

i am referring to movies. specifically, movies that make me cry.

on nina's recommendation, after becoming smitten with ryan gosling in 'the notebook', she said i'd absolutely love him in 'lars and the real girl'.

and i did.

but like 'up', i thought it would be funny.

and it was, both were. but there was also crying involved. are these movies not actually sad? is it just me? i know that 'up' was legitimately sad.

but lars? who knows.

also today, i saw a couple pictures of ever online.

i was looking at evet pictures taken by one of his roommates. and the pictures were alarming to me.

maybe they're just dramatic black and whites. but he looks sickly. too skinny.

and they were taken on the 4th of july. on our neighbor's deck. i recognized it from the previous 4th when we'd went. but because he burnt our dinner on the grill, we'd missed the fireworks. it was a sad night.

it was a strange thing to see. i've blocked him from seeing me. and if he saw my summer pictures somehow, he'd have seen me skinnier than he'd ever seen me. but in his case, it makes me think of pictures i saw when he was strung out. long before i came along. and i checked twice to see if there was a drink in his hand. and there was not.

i feel weird about it.

and of course, i don't want to think about it.

at the same time, i want to look at them again. i wonder what he's like now. because i'm very different than the person i was when i saw him last.

and he was all scruffy and unkempt. and he probably smelled. and i realize that you can't change what you really are, deep down. and i think that is why i struggle so hard on a day to day basis.

i saw sam today, walking my bike from work. said hi for a minute, and wondered if she'd think to tell me if my boyfriend had been by.

i'll probably always be like this.

but i'm actively fighting my urges, so maybe i am changing. it will be a slow and painful process.

because i'll always revert to what i know. don't we all?

all this crying has felt pretty good. i'm not going to lie. i just wish it wasn't a fictional sense of sadness that i'm crying for.

i wish i could just cry for my life sometimes.

and i almost did the other night after watching '500 days'. when i went to bed alone again. i felt it welling. but it didn't come.

nothing else to say. except this:

1111, ima get you.

today. and tonight.

seriously? not cool.

no matter what i wish, and it's almost always the same, it will never come true.

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