my induction into the club. august 1.

i woke up sad from a bad dream, and it's pretty lucky that i didn't start crying, because i almost did, i felt like i was going to, and it would have been misread, i fear.

it was awful. everyone hated me. i had to go to the house for something. but it wasn't really the house. and everyone was there.

and everyone was looking at me with hate in their eyes. i was trying to be the way that i always am with them, laughing, asking how they were and what was new. and they were ignoring me, or talking to me like they didn't want me there and wanted me to know it.

and i was crying in the dream. and i woke up with that feeling, but i wasn't really crying.

and it took a few hours to shake that feeling. partly because chalk was leaving, i was sad, too.

it felt like such a good thing coming to an end. but i didn't want to wake up weepy for his sake.

i kinda don't know where to start with the chalk story, how much to tell or not tell online.

i guess the best parts were him knowing to come earlier and leave later than i'd requested. because i told him to land after five and leave before two today.

i was really afraid that it wasn't going to be seamless. i was afraid that one of us wouldn't be as into it as the other. and he was, too. he was also afraid of hurting me in some way. but felt that between what i had said, and what nina had said, that it wasn't a risk. but he booked his tickets as he did. and i'm really really glad he did.

last night i asked him how long i had him. and he said he was leaving at 830 tonight. and it made my night. to have six more hours than i thought.

we had too much fun. it was too wonderful. all of it.

being with someone who knows what they're doing, who is so respectful and sensitive and into making a woman feel good. it made all the difference. it's the difference between sex with someone and having a lover.

all of my fears disappeared within the first 45 minutes. because we wasted no time, just like i wanted and hoped and planned.

i wasn't afraid to be naked, which i have been my whole life.

i wasn't uncomfortable with him or with myself. i wasn't awkward. i wasn't bad at any of it. and he was very complimentary. of me as a person, of how i look, and of how things went as they went.

let it be known: chalk is the best lover i have ever had. and probably the best one i ever will have. he is fantastic in bed. and from what i have gathered, he was able to supply my demands without complaint.

i am sure that in my past life, before ever, that i had the physical connection with someone. where i felt like our bodies were kinda made to fit together. whether it's sex or spooning or cuddling or kissing. but i can't remember any of that now. i can only realize that this was perfect. that this was exactly that.

i'm really glad for the timing. i was talking to nina about it, after talking to the shrink about it, after writing it all out as it happened. at the same time, knowing what i know now, i wish that i had gone for it that night, just to have had a little more of something so fucking good that i can't stop smiling.

so, friday. i was running around like a crazy person for work. only i was ahead of schedule, because i'd worked a little harder on thursday to make friday an earlier day for chalk.

and it was a great idea. because it totally worked. and then i had some time to kill between going back to work and going to the airport.

so i got my eyebrows done, which was fantastic, because i really needed it. and also, i had a bit more time, so i got a tan, which i also wanted and needed. and which made me feel better in general. i've been rapidly losing color since florida. and i am not happy about that.

i went back to work, moving supplies between stores. and i was waiting for a break with kit before heading to the airport. and then chalk said he was on the ground. and i knew it was going to be a fun weekend, because i texted him, 'when you get outside, let me know where you're standing' and he texted back, 'on my feet'.

i was laughing half the way there.

so i bailed on kit because she got caught up at work, and rushed to get him. i had timed it to be there when he landed, to be one of those goofballs on the side of the road, so that when he stepped outside, i'd be there waiting.

only he got in early, so he had to wait. and he called me, but i couldn't pick up because i was driving, so i had to pull into the middle of the split in the road to see which side of the airport he was on. i had guessed right, he confirmed, and i found him. actually, somehow, he spotted me and i happened to see him waving to me.

and i pulled over and jumped out. big excited hug and a nice kiss, and into the car.

polite conversation on the way home. how was the flight, how is he doing, nothing too exciting.

he didn't really try to touch me. i made a joke that he laughed at, and i touched his knee. but it was an appropriate interaction. a polite introduction. i pointed out landmarks and buildings and things for him to note. and it was a quick ten or fifteen minutes of that in the car.

and i was thinking, 'this is all very polite, cordial. i wonder how this will go.'

the urge to shove him into the apartment wasn't gone, but we were in the middle of a conversation about my landlord and how i came to live in this apartment.

so we came inside, and i showed him the place in all of about one minute. and he looked around curiously at some things i have in my apartment, like you do the first time you're in someone's place. particularly the opposite sex.

and i turned around, and he grabbed me for a full body contact variety hug and it was all downhill from there. we wasted no time. he kissed me and picked me up a little and put me on the bed for a fantastic makeout session.

he was sweet enough to say that there was no rush, as far as having sex was concerned. but i just looked at him like he was crazy. we were both in a rush, because we'd both been waiting a very long time to finally get together. a whole week and a half of waiting and waiting and waiting. and we wasted no time.

and within one hour of him being in my city, we were smoking cigarettes outside, thinking about how great of a start we were off to, and that we were indeed going to have a fantastic time together.

i'm too private a person to go into great detail here. or maybe not now, but have been in the past. and there's something about fucking and telling that seems like the way to not go in this situation.

paper journal will get the dirty details.

but it was better than i had hoped. and there is something about the way that he is that put me right at ease. made me so comfortable. made me so happy.

by the next morning, we'd had dinner and a beer out at a bar, and had sex three times.

we met kit for brunch. i think she liked him, but didn't at all care for how much affection he was showing at the bar.

personally, i'm not a big pda person either, but i guess because i haven't had a man treat me that way ever, and it had been years since a boy had, i think i kindof embraced it. and also returned it at a point. on the stoop. not so much in bars.

but it was very sweet, despite being annoying to probably everyone else around.

then we took her to the train station for her trip to new york, and went to old city to the graveyard where benjamin franklin is buried. it was the one nate and i had found. but he's one of chalk's personal historical favorites, and it meant a lot to him, when i mentioned it in passing, so we walked around for a while, and finally got directed to it.

and on our way back to the car, after i gave chalk a few minutes alone with ben, we passed a sign that was advertising the darwin museum. the philosophical society had a collection of original writings and 1st edition books of darwin's work and research, and a ton of letters. this is something chalk is very into, which i probably would have passed right by. but kismet and all... we went in. and hung out for about half an hour until i started giving him the eye.

pretty much, the whole weekend, i was giving him the eye. i was insatiable. i would have had no problem physically having had sex like five or six times a day.

it kinda blew my mind. no. it really blew my mind.

sex with ever was so fucking horrible, in hindsight. i mean, no foreplay from him meant a rough time for me. and combined with other issues, sex would last for at least an hour. and would require assistance. my body would hurt, i would fight off uti's every time, and would feel sick after. like, physically sick. nauseous.

so i was worried about that, because it's what i've known for so long. but i had none of that. my body was more than ready. there was so much going on, as far as making out and foreplay that the sex was pretty quick, comparitively. even time spent laying around talking was like preparation for the next time. the whole time he was here, we were rarely not touching. sitting next to each other, arms touching. arm around each other, holding hands, cuddling, spooning.

i didn't know that grown men could be into spooning. i think i thought that trend dies in the early twenties, late teens. i felt like i was with a well-rounded guy, who happens to be kinda sappy, and very in touch with his emotions. and also, too smart for my taste, which is how i know that i could never date him. not even in six months from now when i'm allowed.

and we'd get dressed and go smoke, or have a meal, or something, and i'd feel my body ramping up again.

it was like my body knew that it had to get its fix for the next long time, all in two and a half short days. so it was always ready. always on.

like the way bodies fit thing, i also can't remember ever having such a physical reaction to a person before. a physiological reaction. it was shocking.

and i guess this is what doctors talk about when they talk about women in their thirties at their sexual peak.

it had made no sense to me with ever. but that's because i didn't want to be with him. now that i'm not, i'm square in the middle of what they're talking about. and i kinda don't know what to do about it.

besides find a poor unsuspecting boy who can keep up with me. all mrs robinson style. which chalk highly recommended.

it was funny. he said that i was trying to kill him. not that it would be a bad way to go. coming while going and all. but he seemed to have thoroughly enjoyed himself.

what's funny is that he did have one quality that i will eventually look for. he took care of me. and cared for me. he walked on the side of the sidewalk nearest the street. he opened every door, and even pulled out my chair at the fancy dinner he took me to last night. he lit cigarettes for me when i was driving. he helped me up by offering his hand. chivalry, it turns out, is not entirely dead. i've seen it firsthand. experienced it.

there was a lot of conversation as well.

deeply seated emotional conversation. about love and life and death. about losing people you care about. about foreign lives in different cities. about figuring out who you are and how to avoid heartbreak. about being heartbroken. about the ones you never forget. the ones you avoid for fear of sparks flying.

a couple different times, he brought up coffee. i thought it was interesting that he did. just because he doesn't really know, but had an inkling about it. but i really wasn't thinking about it at all. i think it genuinely piqued his interest, in the way that he wanted to understand me a little bit better. but mostly because we know each other from the same place. we spent a lot of time talking about mutual friends. so i guess to him it wasn't awkward for him to bring it up.

other than that, today we only left to go to lunch and came right back. we'd started to watch charlie and the chocolate factory before, and came back to finish it. it was so good. i have this love hate with willy wonka and the chocolate factory. i love it, i've seen it a million times and know most of it by heart. but something about gene wilder was unsettling in a way that wasn't as awesome as it could have been. and the music always bothered me. maybe it was just his singing, but i didn't care for any of the songs.

i'm a sucker for tim burton. and danny elfman. and johnny depp. and johnny depp was perfect. and it was pretty. and the music... so so good.

i just can't get over what i'm left with after this weekend.

i feel nothing. the same nothing that i felt after coffee said nothing. the same lack of a broken heart. the same lack of smitten. it's like i'm seeing this new world through different eyes. i saw coffee for what he was when i was home. not what i built him up to be, or remembered him as. not as the glorified version of himself. i saw him as the schmoozer who goes out with girls while his girl is at work. and i didn't have a reason to want for it anymore. and with chalk? i was sad to see him go. but he said that things couldn't have gone on that way much longer, that he couldn't physically have done it. i think he could have, but i'll take his word for it. i bet he sleeps for the better part of two days.

but i just feel nothing, as far as my little beating heart goes. my head is still busy. my girl parts are awake. but my heart? dissociated.

and kit thinks it's great. and nina thinks it's great. and i just keep waiting for the feelings to crop up or something. appear and sideswipe me. but they didn't with coffee, not the crying hearted ones. just the disappointed ones that i can handle and live with and deal with. and most importantly: learn from.

and i like feeling like i've learned some shit going through this whole divorce thing. and i like feeling like i'm making progress as a person. and that i'm changing my ways so i don't end up where i was.

in light of that, i'm glad that i backed off from intern. but at the same time, i intend to ask him dancing next weekend when nate is here. takes some pressure off. keep me out of trouble. keep contact. and just be near him, dancing and drinking. hear that giggle that makes my heart speed up a bit.

because that boy does it for me. and i can't help myself. and maybe if nothing else, i just see if he has a friend as hot as he is, who doesn't know ever, and just wants to try to pace a 32 year old sex machine. because this is what i have become. and what i am capable of. i need a nice boy to have locally. anytime i want. or at least in rotation. gyration. whatever.

i had sex nine times in 55 hours. maybe ten. i lost count yesterday. i am allowed to babble incoherently. and not make sense. precisely.

and the funniest thing?

i'm still laughing about it. when he was packing up to go, and i was stripping my bed, he handed me a pair of boxers. and i just looked at him blankly. and he said they were for me. a trophy. and i laughed and thanked him.

and in talking to nate briefly tonight, more about the divorce than anything else, he said, 'hey. one more thing. did he give you a pair of his underwear?'

and i laughed hysterically. and asked how he knew that. and he said that he used to have a collection of underwear. and that, because he gave me a pair, chalk knows what's up.

apparently, i've been officially inducted into the club.

kit concurs.

it's ON.

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