maybe i was wrong when i thought that this trip to dark sky didn't inspire me.
because this is what i've been doing for the last hour or so.
i've been compiling a mental checklist of places i want to go.
including, but not limited to:
texas star party, prude ranch / mcdonald observatory, mt locke
winter star party, florida keys
a california trip (easily two weeks):
glacier point, yosemite
mojave national preserve
cherohala skyway,smoky mountains (by gma's house)
and the best spot in the country: utah's natural bridge
again. with the feeling like i have nothing to say.
i canceled my shrink appointment for thursday. because i feel like i have nothing to say. and i don't have the $35 to spend on the visit.
one thing i've been thinking:
i think that the charm of florida is partially due to thinking that i'll be able to afford to travel. a lot.
and in that ability, thinking that i'll find the next place i want to go.
interesting that i've never gone anywhere alone. i'd be doing that after i move home. whether it's to portland in the spring or summer before i move, or somewhere else, i can do it. and i will do it. just to say that i did it. to prove to myself that i can.
portland has been a 'thing' lately. but part of me is hesitant to go somewhere that i know a few people. because of the tendencies i have to attach myself to the people i know.
but i think more than anything else, this is when i thought i'd be going there. if i hadn't spent all my vacation time in florida this summer, i'd be getting ready to go there now. it's come up in conversation lately, and people i know have gone there recently, and everyone says that i'll love it. and that they can see me loving it there.
i was writing here that boston should be checked out. it's about as cheap to fly there from florida, only it's expensive to live there. maybe it's only good for a visit.
maybe my next move after florida will be out of the country. what a crazy thing to think, much less put in writing.
but really. there is nothing stopping me. kit pointed it out at the bar last night. 'you can go anywhere.' because no one is stopping me. and i have nothing keeping me here, once i leave phila and kenna's company.
last night i was in bed early. and felt sleepy around 930. but couldn't fall asleep, and got up to have a smoke. i wanted a beer, but denied myself another after the two at happy hour with kit.
and then i was up until after midnight.
i stumbled into something last night.
our high school has a page on fb devoted to people in our class who have died. and i found, in our class, the ghost. someone had finally uploaded pictures of him and i was surprised to see who had written something under them.
i fell asleep thinking of what i wanted to write.
and about the pictures i have to put with the others.
i was a good stalkerly girl, in high school.
i was on yearbook. and one of the perks was access to the reject pictures. i stole a few of him, before he died. and so i have a few that are really nice pictures. that i want to add to the two that are up.
in any case, i thought it was nice that i'm not the only person who still thinks of him all this time later, and that i'm not the only person who thought that was the saddest day ever, and really couldn't find the words i want to say, but know that there will be some.
and i was afraid that thinking of him would lead to dreaming of him. for as long as a month. and when i couldn't fall asleep, i remembered that night i couldn't sleep in the apartment he died in.
and i wondered if i couldn't sleep because he was here.
but he wasn't here.
and i don't remember my dreams now, but he was not in them.
it's so sad to me. to think of it now. and i have this ink permanently on my skin for him. and memories that will fade if i don't re-read them and remember them.
the day of his funeral. it's forever memorialized now in my first and only novel. i was laying in bed last night, thinking that it's nice that i named my main character after him, and that i made the memories i have of his funeral a part of the story as well.
and then i remember.
i wrote that novel.
and like everything else in my life, i did nothing with it.
i start everything. i finish nothing.
and then i remembered my grandiose dream to take the first six or so months of this blog and turn that into a book.
and wonder if it would be interesting to anyone other than me.
because i think that when people don't finish your novel, it's only because you didn't write it well enough to make them.
even my mom didn't get to the end of it.
i'm sure the same would be true of the blog-book.
i know the novel needs a re-write.
and maybe now that i spend all this time laying around alone, not going out in an effort to save money, i should get back to it.
but i really liked it how i wrote it, save for adding a couple things toward the end.
and i also think that i only wrote it for me.
so it doesn't matter really, what other people think of it.
i was thinking about this instead of sleeping last night.
and i'm laying here thinking about it again tonight.
i think it's starting to get to me that i don't know what i want to do with my life.
i mean, sitting across from coffee, and having him tell me that florida needs me, what i want to do, and that it would support it, because there's nothing like it. it all sounded so great at the time, even after the word 'girlfriend' came out of his mouth.
and i think i'm back to where i was, the day i was writing with the writer all day. wondering if my dream is really my dream.
wondering if moving home and bartending for a while will be anything more than a boring job where i kill time and make money without the responsibility of keeping a small business afloat weighing on my shoulders.
all i know is that i feel like my time here is running out. i worry about my job daily, because the company is struggling, and i'm the highest paid person. in some ways i feel irreplaceable. and in some other ways, i feel like i'm the fat that will get trimmed.
i know that ever is a huge source of stress for me, and that being as far away from him as possible is tempting.
but i also know that i could up and move, in the summer, to another part of this city instead. a new neighborhood, and start over there. and wait another whole year until the business with the house is settled. and see if i change my mind.
maybe it's my stubborn nature that makes me want to wait this out and stay here. one person in this huge city shouldn't dictate whether i stay or go. and i do love it here.
but the part of me that is ready for a change thinks my time here, for now, is up.
and if i put my things in a storage unit for six months, and move home for six months, and then come back and see how i feel, then so be it.
i'm afraid to move everything down there, until i know for sure. it's such an effort, such an expense.
but i also feel like if i live here beyond summer, i don't know that i'd leave my job. and i think that is a big change that i'm seeking.
i just don't know.
i don't know what to do with my life.
and at 32, i shouldn't be saying that. much less, putting it in writing.
yet i am.
nothing lights me up inside.
nothing makes me want to get started now.
sometimes i think i have it. and i guess my fear is becoming like my friend who has a bunch of business ideas and spends too much money on all of them, only to end up with another idea in another month. and nothing to show for any of them, other than a pile of business cards and websites for companies that don't actually exist.
money doesn't come that easily for me. and there aren't many things that really interest me enough to start a business.
beer and coffee interest me. i know a lot about coffee, and a little about beer.
but i think i'm a little burnt on coffee. though mixing the two could be a bit of fun.
i know how to run a business.
i've got that going for me.
i guess one of my irrational fears (or is it healthy?) is that i'm afraid to start something. sink money into it; mine, my parents', whatever. and then realize that i don't give a shit and don't even want to do it anyway.
i have chased a few dreams. and at the end of the line, or better yet, where i am now, i am no closer to any of them. i don't know what i want.
and i know that i should be allowed some time to just live and be. and figure it out. but i'm also afraid of making a drastic decision (changing jobs, changing location) and being dead wrong about it.
there's no rush.
i have until may, most likely.
and why i'm stressing on this in september, i don't honestly know.
i think it is about having a plan of attack. and something to work toward.
maybe i do what i did before ever and i moved up here.
maybe i look for places to live in florida. see what i see. and think about how i could make it work.
try it on. virtually.
and see where that takes me.