hanging over after loopfest. september 18th.

man. rough night.

and subsequent rough morning after.

so. the show. was amazing! the opener was really awesome. this guy baths. he basically had a premixed set, but sang over it, and used a crossfader and a sampler i guess to add beats over it. it was really good. very dance-y, and for me, something i had never seen before. it made me think of seeing a dj set, in a way. he was really energetic and very crowd friendly, and i liked him better than dosh, who played second.

he was also a one man band. he played through loops also. keys for bass, keys for guitar, keys for keys. xylophone, and i thought he was best on drums. he played everything himself, essentially playing on a square, looping what he played, adding onto it. kit was really excited, because she loves him. i wasn't as into it, but still respected the skill it took to do what he was doing. what i didn't know was that he was the guy who was standing next to me at the bar, drinking shots of whiskey and chasing it with beers.

after the show, i thanked this dude who i thought was dosh. it didn't seem to catch my attention that he had sunglasses in place of a hat, or a blue shirt in place of a red, i saw him watching el ten eleven playing, and just thought it was him after a change of clothes post-show.

in any case, i touched his shoulder, and said, 'thanks. really. that was great.'

i haven't been that embarrassed in a long time. i bet he felt bad for me. he looked at me like i was crazy. and the way that i knew i'd made a mistake as he walked away from me was that he wasn't wearing a wedding band. and dosh was.

i walked out past him, hiding, and telling kit what i'd done.

and then we saw the real dosh. and she told him that she listens to his music at work all the time, and he seemed pretty happy about that.

but i skipped the part that i was there for. el ten eleven was amazing. also with the looping, just a two piece.

so the drummer was really good, but was completely sidelined by the lead guitarist, for lack of a better word.

i knew it would be crazy, because there was a video feed of all the pedals he was using, and his shoes so you could see what he was doing. that, combined with the guitar he picked up. which had a guitar on top and a bass on the bottom. the sounds he was getting out of the bass was blowing my mind. he was playing harmonics on it, only they were high octaves. really strange. all the looping. oh, that, and like sigur, he was playing with a bow for a bit as well.

really talented. really good. danced our asses off.

so, the show was literally a block away from the bbq. we left the show, i had a slight swerve on, kit had more than a slight swerve on. she agreed to walk to the bbq with me to see if boy was there. as we got to the fence, i saw that he was and turned around to get beer as i'd promised before even going in.

so we went to the bar across the street and got some takeout. kit couldn't suffer through my pbr, so she got something for herself. all told, we took 12 beers to the bbq and left after i drank one and a half of mine, and she had almost two of hers.

while we were walking to the bbq, i decided i'd be driving us home. and while we were smoking outside the bar to buy the takeout beer, i got really nervous. it didn't last long, but it was a funny thing to feel. butterflies and nerves over a boy being somewhere that i wanted him to be.

what i think of this morning are the days that i used to show up to this house where my friend erica crashed with her boyfriend. because the boy i liked lived there. walking up to the fence without kim made me feel like that same girl again. because i wasn't there with the person i'd originally gone with, and because i'd brought someone else with me.

only back then i wasn't invited. and this time i worked out the invitation in advance, making sure it was okay to drop by if i brought beer and came later in the night.

in any case, we sat down and had a beer and people started to come back outside of the house and we all played apples to apples again. i did really well this time, three cards instead of just one.

and i left sad, a little earlier than i'd wanted, but the host had called the end of it anyway, before anyone got any drunker. and said goodbye to the collective whole.

there were really no sparks with conor. i was hoping for something, but i didn't notice anything, and kit didn't either.

he did offer me his one card, so i could compete with the leader. and i told him i don't take pity cards. which was funny at the time, to me.

and later, i thought he had too many cards as he had all night, and i called him out, and he held them up for me to count and said 'fuck you'. it wasn't mean, it was funny.

in any case, i would hope for some kind of connection somehow, but i just don't expect it. and kit said he kept looking at this other girl all night, but from last time and this time, i just think it's because they're friends, and they were telling stories about things they have done together, 'remember that time' style.

anyway, it was a sad end to a rough night. we left. i drove us home, though i really probably shouldn't have.

and got into bed, not feeling okay at all. and fell asleep. woke up at 4 dying of thirst, had a glass of water. and again at 7, had another glass of water and some motrin. and woke up at 1045 with a coffee headache.

so now i'm still in bed at 1 on saturday. waiting a few more hours to go on a girl date. it will be nice.

oh. so this morning i checked my phone that i was too spinny to upright myself for in bed last night.

and i had six texts. five were from kit. but one was from kim. telling me that i'd left my wallet at the bbq.

i felt sick, thinking of the what if's of last night.

but more than that, disappointed in myself for dropping it and not noticing.

my bag had fallen over and spilled out at some point. i know smokes fell out. and i put it back together. the other possibility is that i had it in my skirt pocket from buying beer for the bbq. and that it fell out when i had my legs stretched out and propped on table stand.

i don't know. if it wasn't that, then i don't know how it happened. but i honestly can't remember the last time i left my wallet somewhere. it was pretty upsetting to me this am.

so now, luckily my girl date is in that neighborhood. and i have to go by and pick it up on my way over there. i am an idiot.

and then, waking up this morning, groaning a little. making coffee, getting back into bed to drink it while i waited for my headache to go away, a truck pulled up outside. i heard it because my windows are all open.

and i thought, 'i bet that's the package from my mom.'

i was pretty excited, because i was getting back my headphones, and my bra i left home, and my favorite nail polish (the clear yellow stopper one). when i opened the box, i started crying right away.

my mom had made this awesome package for me. it was star themed, and just awesome.

star shaped sunglasses. a planisphere, which i've been meaning to buy. it tells you, by hour and month, which constellations are up. it's really super handy. a ton of candy, also star themed. mars, starburst. star shaped cookies made from scratch. and star themed silly bands. which i have yet to own, and think are a little silly. but now, i own some. and of course, there's a saturn shaped one.

it was a really cute package. she drew stars on the card and around my name, and the little black erase board she sent. i know how much time she put into it, and i thought it was really sweet. and the card said that she knew i'd been having a hard time and that she knows it will get better and easier soon.

i love my mom. even when i don't talk to her, she knows that i'm having a hard time.

i wrote it here. this was a depressed week for me. i laid around in bed a lot. wrote a lot. read a lot. drank a couple beers every day. but that's nothing new.

and i think that maybe i feel myself coming out of it a little.

but i was disappointed that last night didn't go better, and that the way i felt the first night wasn't really matched again. it was a lot of fun. and i am sure i'll go again. but maybe next time i won't let my expectations be set so high.

i shaved. i wore a skirt, despite the fact that it was a really cool night. i was excited for the bbq since the last one three weeks ago. and i had really hoped that he would talk to me more. and now i'll just be okay with not even hitting it off as friends. or something.

it's time for me to get out of bed. and into the shower. get ready for a girl date and a wallet pickup driveby. and then take a break before going to that party with kit tonight.

hopefully today is better than last night. and regardless, the party is in our neighborhood, so we can theoretically get into as much trouble as we want, but will both probably take it a little easier than we did last night.

that show was really good. i was watching a video of a live performance of the last song baths played. it's called 'plea' and i want more of his stuff. when his set was over, kit said that the last song made her think of coffee. she said his name, and i said 'coffee who?'

thinking she was referring to one of the other coffees in her world.

and she said 'you and coffee'. it caught me off guard. my first thought-reaction was 'there IS no me and coffee', then my stomach dropped, and i made her explain why she thought that. because the only lyrics that i'd heard were 'please tell me you need me' and something about a future.

but she had heard 'please tell me you need me home' and it made her think of one of the things i've been thinking of a lot this week.

i guess it kindof set up the sadness factor to add to the bbq sadness factor. i'm glad i had a little cry this morning. i had a two second cry at the end of a fringe the other night, because it was a beautiful ending, that i didn't see coming. but this morning was a weepy cry that waxed and waned until i called my mom to thank her. she asked what was wrong, because she could tell i was crying and i just said that it made me cry and that i loved it.


enough of that.

shower. finish second cup of coffee. wallet. girl date. GO.

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