what the shit? sept 15th.

yeah.

so my day started out fine. easy, even.

a call in the evening yesterday from my student dentist said she had a cancellation for today. so i took it. it was set for 130. i started to say no, but she said it's a quick visit, not a cleaning yet. to come in for a periodontal exam, so i can get set for fixing my cracked tooth, and for a cleaning, and for some fillings.

apparently my last dentist in florida sucked fucking ass, because i have two defective fillings. really, three. because one is between my two front teeth on the backside.

and my cracked tooth was left for too long. so i found out today that i have to get a root canal. $450 in two weeks. that's my florida money and wedding money for ash and dave all in one little two hour? procedure. great.

i also learned today that i have a severely deviated septum. she said, 'if you don't have trouble breathing, i don't know what it would mean to you.' because i know that people get nose jobs for them. but not what it means other than that.

kit says it means i don't sleep well. this explains a lot. i assume it's also why i snore sometimes.

i don't know. what was supposed to be a quick appointment ended up being two and a half hours. and if someone tells you you're going to get this periodontal exam, buckle up. the shove a probe into your gums between your teeth to measure receding gums. i also learned today that i have been brushing my teeth wrong all my life, because mine are severe. and because it's at a dental school, after she probed front and back, her doctor came and did the whole thing a second time. it SUCKED ASS.

and because my xrays revealed a curved root, only a doctor can do my root canal. with the aid of a microscope. cannot wait. september 27th is my new least favorite day of this year.

this is what i get for ignoring my teeth for seven years. won't be doing that again.

and my cleaning is on the 23rd. because the surgery isn't a good idea when your teeth are 'dirty'. sigh, again...

so i was supposed to be back at work by about 230, but didn't get back until 4. worked until 530, and got home.


luckily, there was a bright spot in my day.

the writer took time out of his busy life to scan and upload the pictures he took of me back in april.

and they were really really cool.

four of them were really creepy. unfocused, with just dark gaping holes where my eyes are. one of them is in focus. the one where he told me to look up at him with my head still down. and i look like i just finished killing someone behind the bar. really crazy.

but the three that he took in a more traditional fashion are really quite nice.

quite flattering. despite the fact that i look pretty nervous, because i was.


and the one i love the most? the first one he took of me against the sink. his reflection is in the mirror, but isn't focused. and i have this look on my face. i don't know what it is, but i have no worry lines, and the slightest hint of a smile. he was talking to me. asking me questions.

i love it.


it made my day suck a lot less, even though my teeth still hurt while i looked at them.


other than that, i told kit today that i keep thinking of coffee and his moving.

and that there's no feeling associated with it. i'm not sad or heartbroken. i just have random thoughts. like, 'they're going to HATE the winter.' or, 'it's a big city for someone who thinks that (hometown) is a city.' and, 'he just said that (hometown) is home and that he never wanted to live anywhere else.'

i don't know. obviously, it's none of my business. but the thing is, i can't help but to think of it, and to try to understand it in my own little way. the shock of this summer was too much. and now this? it makes even less sense than that.


and other than those things, i don't know that there's much else to write about. i keep thinking of the skies above other little sleepy towns that are nice and dark. and wondering if i could ever live someplace where the skies get that dark, because it correlates with seclusion. and i feel like i need a city.


i didn't look at apartments down home yet. maybe because i'm delaying what i might find when i finally look.

i have romantic notions about where i'd live, and what my house would look like. because i'd rent a house, if i have my way.

and in light of the day i had today, i didn't really think about anything outside of the little disasters inside my mouth.


dan must have sent me eight text messages today, all about things i ordered too much of, not enough of, things they're out of. and i only see them as little passive aggressive lines of 'i did this better than you.'

if it weren't for the ???? and !!!! following each of his comments, i'd have been a lot less pissed off.

but the thing is, he was coming to our store to borrow stuff pretty much daily. so when he did the ordering, he just fixed it. now that i'm doing it, he has apparently forgotten how to do that, and now needs me to tell him to.

idiot.

i hope he quits. really soon.

when i had had my fill, i said, 'if you have comments or questions, just tell me when i get over there. thanks!!!!'

asshole.

and when i went, i said, 'are you okay? you seem to be a bit panicky or freaked out. just take what you need like you did before. not a big deal.'

ugh.


being burnt on my job is an understatement.

if i wasn't so hellbent on going home and moving home and saving up all this money, i would probably be looking for a ticket out. but at this point, i need to keep on keeping on, and suffering through this until i get to may.

the only thing making me feel any better about christmas at home and moving is that the company owes me $1100 in mileage, which i will get as soon as we are back to being okay again financially.

i shouldn't have to wait for it, because it was owed to me starting a year ago. but at the same time, i can't order coffee right now for our coffee shops because we can't afford to pay the bills. not fun.


i keep thinking about the space station fly over at dark sky, too.

how crazy it was to see and recognize as being bigger than any of the tens of satellites that you see when the skies are dark enough. and realizing that there were people living in the thing that flew high above us. maybe in my next life i'll be smart enough to be a space traveler.

i was pretty suprised when i asked someone if he'd go out into space knowing he would never come back, and he answered no. funny thing is, i can't remember now if i asked coffee or chalk. i think it was chalk. and i think the reason why i was surprised is because he doesn't have too many ties here, and isn't at all phased by thinking about his own demise. i think it might have been coffee, because he's equally obsessed with what's out there.

i think it would be hard for me to do, but that i'd do it. ask me again when the opportunity arises. i bet i'd change my mind.

it would be pretty hard to leave everything behind. but i'm so obsessed, i think i might be crazy enough to do it.

for the sake of learning and seeing and knowing first hand what really exists out there.

thinking about that is so much easier than thinking about which city i want to reside in. and that makes no sense at all, whatsoever.


and how is it, exactly, that i work so hard and still seem to find a way to be completely broke? until the sale of the house, i will never be anything more than a heaping pile of growing debt.

growing debt. with bad teeth.

who wants french fries for dinner. and ice cream for dessert.

and a boyfriend. right about now.