going nowhere. fast. october 21st.

leave it to a long day at suck store to get caught up on everything i can.

for starters, i have a call in to the shrink for an appointment. i don't have an appointment yet, but i should get a call by the end of the day.

also, i called the surgeon to schedule for that stupid lump under my arm to be removed.

hopefully he does surgeries on fridays, and can get me in and out early in the am so i don't have to starve to death for a whole day, and so i have the weekend to recover.

i'm scared. i wish the thing wasn't growing or i'd just leave it where it is, inside my body. this is going to suck.

but i have to get it over with.

* * *

from bed.

with the radio on, listening to the phils only chance at the world series. if they lose, it's over.

so this is what happened earlier.

for starters, i made a killing in tips. everyone was tipping me bills, so they added up quickly.

then, i talked to shrink. no appointments on fridays. of course. so i'm back to square one. same with dentist. i'm going to have to take a personal day to get fillings and a shrink appointment. sounds great. i can't even imagine a day when i could do it right now.

i am so exhausted.


then called the surgeon. turns out i waited so long since my ultrasound/surprise mammogram that i now have to see him before i can even schedule an appointment.

so everything i was trying to accomplish got dashed.

cat forgot to order milk, so i woke up at 545 to go in a little early. i had to buy milk. two crates full. the equivalent of 8 gallons. heavy shit. had to carry it to the car and then from the car to the store.

it was a bitch.

and that, combined with being overly tired from four long days so far this week, plus sleep deprivation from watching all these weekday baseball games.

i felt like i was getting the flu.

or, i feel like i am getting sick.


can't tell if the achy feeling is from lifting all that milk. can't tell if i'm legitimately cold because it's cooler out, or if i have a fever.

and i'm tired which makes me feel like crying would be the best possible solution to this problem.

kit and i went to the bar, too early for the game. had dinner and a beer, and i just couldn't sit there.

it sucks not having cable. i can't just lay on my couch and see what is happening.

i really just wanted to drink a few beers at the bar on a couch. is that too much to ask?

so, i did what i had to do.

defeated, i walked home. turned on the am radio and eventually found the game. it took forever to fine tune away the screechy static.

and it's exciting so far. i won't bore you with sports details. but it's been back and forth. and we've been sucking. so it's just good to not have our asses handed to us.

i'm in bed. listening to baseball on the radio, which is something that i used to do with ever before we had a tv at the house. we listened to so many games.

as far as that stuff goes, today was a mixed bag.

one of my customers came and talked to me for about fifteen minutes, i guess.

she's so sweet. so cute. has two or three kids, the youngest is going to college next semester. and when she moves out of the house, and goes to school, she's leaving her husband. she's been planning her divorce for about six months, and in another, she will do it.

even though i'm about fifteen years younger than her, she asks me questions about everything i'm going through. and she was visibly upset that things are getting worse for me instead of better, and she also fears that her husband will go to extremes to try to hurt and upset her when she makes her announcement.

today, she asked me how i told him. and it was funny. i couldn't remember. i know that it was on valentine's day. and that it followed a lot of talking and crying. but i have stopped re-reading because of the stress i'm already under. i feel like reliving it is too much for me right now. the only problem is that i want to start planning the illustration storyboard for the little project i want to start, and that will require reading.

in paper journal, i wrote some notes a while back.

i want to draw the photo shoot post. i want kit to draw one of the dark sky posts if she's willing. i want nina to draw something from december trip home posts. and because beekie is an awesome artist who can relate to my situation, i'd love for her to pitch in, too.

the most memorable posts that are lodged in my head without re-reading are wild blue, which i'd draw to include my puppy daughter. and probably something from my last nights at my-your. i remember the crazy stream of thought from that time. and maybe moving day.

oh. and olfactory might be my favorite post ever. i think that if i can avoid drawing people, i'll be great. or if i can assign one person to draw people and then each post is collaborative. i'm brainstorming here now. sorry.

i feel better being home in pjs. and knowing that i get to sleep in late tempts me to stay up late, despite exhaustion.

but i won't do it. or i'll end up sick for sure.

i told mom today. she texted me to dress up as lady gaga for halloween, bringing a solar system mobile into the costume. i'm thinking about it. if i have an excuse to.

but when i called back, i knew i had to tell her. so i did. and she was supportive, of course. but it didn't make me feel any better about the situation.

nothing will at this point, except for ever manning up and paying the mortgage.

it's going to be a long thirty days, i fear.

* * *

and as i posted that, a party at the house was being posted. a potluck.

because apparently, when you're ever, you can throw a party at the house when you don't make the mortgage payment.

makes PERFECT sense.

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