it must be in the october 22nd.

i lost a day this week. oops.

so the song for today is 'northwestern girls' by say hi to your mom. a lot of songs were on repeat for the drive today, 'peach plum pear' was a close second. and more band of horses.

this is how it is to be stuck. only the sad songs make me comfortable. i tried to listen to gogol in the car driving, and skipped through half of the songs. it was annoying me to listen to them, but i was trying to stick it out and make myself feel better about things.

it didn't work.

it's not that something is wrong. it's that everything is wrong.

it's not that something happened to wreck my day. it's that nothing happened to fix it.

it was supposed to be an easy day today. it started out that way. i didn't roll into my store until 1030. but it was crazy and i ended up working for an hour instead of walking in and grabbing stuff and walking out.

and i am sore from lifting all that milk yesterday. my neck, and across the top of my shoulders. it all hurts. which honestly was a relief, because i seriously thought i was going to wake up with the flu today. and i did not. yay for that.

then went to suck store to drop stuff off, and then to the office.

the bank literally took half an hour, if not longer.

and while i waited for the slow dude to count all the money i was putting in, i realized that kenna is lucky to have me.

i mean, finding my own replacement is going to be next to impossible. no one is going to want to work at suck store every thursday, go to the bank three or four times a week, pick shit up at the store, and move supplies between stores. i don't really know what is going to happen when i leave, and as time passes and it gets closer, it is freaking me out a little.

you know. kitchen sink syndrome.

while i'm worrying about my surgery, and my teeth, and my mental state, my panic attacks, ever and the mortgage, finances in general, funding my trip home in light of recent events, getting money from the company for all the mileage i never got paid for ($1100 i really need right now), making sure the bills got paid so i can order food for my store, and the tires on my car that i just replaced that are low again, why don't i go ahead and worry about the fate of the company i run but don't own?

why not?

and while i'm worrying about a bunch of shit i have no control over, suck on this:

space cadet bookkeeper forgot to tell me that i have to go to court to present our case against katie who ran suck store for three years, and decided to steal $3000 during her last couple months there.

i found out last friday, by mistake. i saw the paper and asked about it, and she said, 'oh. yeah. it's next tuesday.'

so today, i verified that i have to go to court on tuesday.

and then asked who is our lawyer.

and she said 'there is no lawyer.'

and did i mention she is going to be in florida on vacation?


so i am going to present this whole case on tuesday. after a year of not thinking about it.

and i'm going to have to see katie, which is going to suck.

i loved her. i cried when i fired her. i mean, we both did.

she snowed me over, big time. after knowing that we'd already been snowed over by the girl who had my job before me, to the tune of $30000. yes. that is the correct number of zeroes.

so in the middle of all of my anxiety about everything in my personal life, and already feeling like i'm stretched too thin, despite really not doing anything besides working behind the bar every day, i get to put together a case against someone. and go to court. on tuesday.

i wanted to KILL the bookkeeper. i mean, what else is new? i always do. but this time? how could she make me do this whole thing all alone and have no one there to back me up for moral support, if nothing else. and then to give me one week's notice? i don't know. but she'll be on vacation. grrrr.

i woke up today at maybe 6. then realized i get to sleep in. and tossed and turned. and then when i finally woke up for real, at about 8, i was in a cold sweat. over ever and money, i guess. luckily my credit card payment made it there in time to not get a late fee and 30% interest. i'll never mail that thing so late again. i was sweating it arriving in time. and ever didn't pay the mortgage. which i really need to stop talking about for the time being. otherwise i'll annoy all three of you who read this thing.

driving today, again, i thought about stupid coffee, and his stupid new life. the road trip he is on, and my 'future tense' story that was how i'd hoped it would end up with him.

and spent a lot of time trying to figure ever's thought processes out, but there is just no point in doing that either.

i will never understand him. i feel like he is trying to punish me for thinking i could just walk away without repercussions. but there have been repercussions. and i can't even figure out what i myself am thinking half the time.

i wonder how long it will be before i stop worrying about him and his choices and decisions. i thought that ring imprint would never fade. yet, one day it was gone. and i realized it had been at least a month since i had seen it on my finger. i think it disappeared sometime in august.

it took five months for that to disappear after i took off my rings and boxed them up.

i can hardly believe that it has been over eight months since we called it quits.

or that i'll be home sixty days from today.

for all the time i wish away, and hope for it to pass quickly, when i look back on things, i realize that even if i don't wish it all away, it's going to fly by on it's own.

and every year that i get older, it seems like it goes by faster.

related to all of this, i did hear from brownies and have had some pretty intense emails going her direction, which have shed some light on my fixations. i have been writing some pretty heavy things:

'i really only feel pressure to have a kid when i'm around my family. but in light of recent divorcing, they've dropped the subject completely. now they just say, 'you'll find someone and get married again someday'. which is just as pressurized. because it's the kids they want me to pop out that is making them say that.'


'i have to say, i really wonder. i don't know if i'll ever be married again. it would take a pretty remarkable guy, and several years of living together before i'd be willing to do that again.

and when i'm alone and think about having a kid, i'm so completely sure i don't want one in the next few years that i can't even think beyond that. but i grew up thinking i definitely wanted a kid. i wanted to be like my mom, and i thought i'd have three by the time i was twenty seven. missed the mark. just a tad.'


'i will be so much happier once i'm in a relationship that is functional, and not one sided. i'm really great at monogamy. in fact, i think i will be eaten alive once i start trying to 'date' someone.'


'it's taken a while for me to tell myself that i'm not selfish for wanting to be with someone i'm attracted to in every way. someone i'm interested in, that i'm excited to see, who i want to talk to, that i want to be with, and who wants to be with me.'


'it cracks me up when my sister calls me for advice. i'm like, 'really? have you heard that i'm getting a divorce? you REALLY want my relationship advice?'


'i will never forgive myself for settling. somehow, at 25, i felt like time was running out and that he was the best i could do/would find.

and i did disguise it for a long time, but i always knew that was what was going on. and i will never do that again. if i die alone, it would be better than settling for someone again. because it doesn't change how it made me feel. and for me, i also think that it reflected a lack of self worth. there were about five years there where i felt like white trash. like, really ingrained in me. because of how it made me feel being with someone who presented himself the way he did. i started to be more like him, and when i changed the way i presented myself, it made me feel like i deserved better.'


'i guess i have hope for finding someone to make a kid with by the time i'm 40. our generation is doing everything later. and if i want to have a kid and i am not with someone that can help me with that, then i'll just have a kid on my own. well, not technically. but you know what i mean. it would take a lot of planning ahead. but that's what a kid is, so it works for me.'

'forever is a long time. and even as committed as i was to only being with one person for the rest of my life, i couldn't do it. and that, combined with being unsatisfied was toxic. it could have been all the more reason to cheat. and i always said that if i ever was tempted to cheat, that i'd get out of my marriage, because i never understood it. and sure enough, in the end, i wanted to cheat. i mean, i wasn't in a situation that was compromising or anything, but my mind certainly wandered to those places, and i think that if one of a few different people had tried to even kiss me, i would have done it.'


'i kinda can't wait to go home and see what happens next summer. i'm ready for a change of scenery, and the way i'm going to set myself up is to not move all my shit down there until i'm sure about living there for at least a year or more. i think after the things i'm going through, i'm afraid to feel trapped, and if i take everything i own with me, it will make me feel like i've wasted a lot of time and money if i decide that it was a bad idea and leave again.

then again, i always run away from my problems.'


'i am trying to figure out the happiness thing. for me, i know i need to be happy with being alone for a while before i can be happy with someone else. and i already feel myself thinking, 'i want to meet someone'. but i know it's a trick.'


'if someone had told me back then, 'tea. do not settle. you will not be happy. don't rush because you feel like this is the best you can do or that you've missed the boat', i think i could have avoided a lot of pain and suffering in the long run. and figuring it out before the part where we had a kid is the best thing to come from all of this. i really don't know what i would have done if there was a kid involved. except stay and be miserable forever.'


'all that time i wasted and lost, stuck in my situation and unable morally to do anything to change it, i could have been taking chances with other people.

and even though, ultimately, the boy that i thought would be the one for me was not (and i'm still actively processing that), the way that he made me feel when i was there in december made me wish that i could just undo the marriage and take it back.

i used to think that i lived a life free of regrets, because i always felt like what was supposed to happen would, and that mistakes taught me important lessons.'


'i honestly don't know why i did what i did.'

and one of my personal favorite parts of my emails:

'my types (i think there are two, but one is definitely the dominant type)

dominant type: dark hair, dark beard (clean cut though), brown eyes, not tall (5'8 is perrrrfect), thin. smiles all the time. funny. witty. i really don't care for muscles at all. a nice pair of jeans that fit, and/or are tighter than the majority wear. and any random tee shirt will do, as long as it's not all holey.

that's pretty much the guy i'm looking for whenever i go out.

and i just described coffee. and intern.

other type: preppy. geeks/dorks. smart. blushers. lighter hair, and no facial hair at all. tattooes are a major bonus (good boy/bad boy). dress kinda like the weezer dudes. you know... collared shirt, sweater, pants that aren't jeans, but also don't have pleats.

and i just described most of my 'boyfriends' at my work. the cougar ones. they're all significantly younger than me.

and my newest fixation, the very engaged hot bartender is the perfect blend of the two types, which is probably why i'm unable to stop thinking about him these last few weeks.

and none of that describes ever. i mean, the height. and he was thin when we got married, but not for long. and bad tattooes, one from jail, which don't count.

see? never should have made an exception!'

and, ending it on a serious note:

'so now i feel like my little world is turned upside down, because i don't know what to do or when to do it. and especially because i don't know why he did that, and what will happen next.

i have to be prepared to pay it next month, or the house will go into foreclosure proceedings. i just told my mom tonight, because i couldn't bear to tell them that they were right, and that basically all of our worst nightmares are coming true now.

it helps me out, in a way, because no judge in their right mind would give him all this time he wants to live in the house with it in my name when he's already not making a payment seven months in. and because, if i make the payment, which is possibly what he's trying to force me to do, i should be able to kick him out and move back in until it sells. which is not at all what i want, but if i'm going to be paying for it, there's no way in hell i can pay for my apartment also. and ultimately, i get what i want, because the house would go on the market even earlier than i wanted for it to. which is the best case scenario.

i don't know the legalities. my lawyer sent him a letter. and like everything else with this fucking process, now i just have to sit and wait to see what he does. my hands are tied. i can't force anything yet.

i wish feelings were logical. wouldn't life be so much easier that way? i could shut off that nagging voice in my head that worries incessantly. and that makes me feel guilt for leaving a brainless retard.

every time something like this happens, and knocks me on my ass, i just wish i could go home. HOME. leave it all here, and distract myself by floating in a pool or a hot tub. let my mom cook and bake for me and fatten me up. and get a limitless flood of hugs and love. oh. and get sex when and where i want it. but that's neither here nor there.

it's why i feel like going home in the summer is the right choice.

i think i question my strength constantly here. like, i can't do this without drinking at least a beer a day, and kit holding my hand and helping me through it.

but i think there, i have the confidence i need, with a posse to back me up. i just get bored easily. and the only thing i have in my favor is a trip home for two weeks in december, and lots of time to figure this shit out. if it can even be figured out.

seriously, brownies... i spent something like seven years kicking myself for not listening to what you were trying to tell me.

and for losing you in the process.

i know you know this already.

but i don't think you actually understand. really, really understand.

you tried to save me from making the biggest mistake of my life so far. and i resented you for it.

and now i just can't even understand how i justified it at the time.

thanks for forgiving me. and for trying so hard when i was making it as impossible as i could for you to try to stand up to me for what you knew was not best for me.

no one else had the ability, only you. not my parents, not nina. none of them saw what you saw, and knew what you knew.

i'm learning a lot about humility and pride and stubbornness going through what i'm going through now. and not a day goes by that i don't just wish that i could take it all back and do it over again.

because, you know what? if i could, i wouldn't even have gone out with your sister that night.

and if i had met him some time later, it might have ended up the same way, but if i could change decisions i made back then and undo everything i have right now, i'd do it.

because this shit sucks. i wouldn't wish it on anyone.

and something happened today. well, it didn't happen but i saw two things.

one was this little girl at work. she's maybe three. her grandma runs the cafeteria my store is in. she came in with her mom, and literally ran from the front door to her grandma with her arms out saying 'ma maw ma maw' all the way til she got to her. the story of her birth is a miracle, and her name is nevaeh, but she was so happy to see her that she didn't stop until she was scooped up. and it just made me think about how sweet it is for a baby to love a person that much. she was SO happy to see her and get kisses.

and now i'm in the third setting that i've written this letter in (my bed, then a parking garage waiting for kit in my car, then my stoop). and the little girl, maybe one, was being carried by her dad, all bundled up because it's in the fifties here. she was so cute, and crying and reaching for her mom. she only stopped crying when her mom kissed her, pushing the empty stroller.

these are the things that make me want to cry sometimes.

most of the time i'm glad the crying kid isn't mine. and then little things like that make me wish that a tiny person loved me that much.'

that's where my writing energy went the last week. and that is what i've been thinking for the last week, too.

now i'm off to the movies. to laugh at zach galifianakis. because it will make me feel better, i think...

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