hermit. october 9th.

even though i only left the aparment once today, for about ten minutes, i did a few things that seem noteworthy.

call it fall cleaning, but i've been short on clothes to wear to work lately, too, because it's cooled off quite a bit.

i pulled the three bins out from under my bed, and pulled all the summer clothes from the hangers in my closet. and i went about separating clothes that i don't want to have to wear again, from the winter stuff, from the summer stuff. and hung what i want access to.

it felt good. it took a while. and ipod shuffle failed me. unlike road trips when kit hits shuffle on my ipod and we're both pleasantly surprised, today felt more like my ipod was playing everything i didn't want to listen to. all my least favorite songs from the albums that are on it. and i skipped almost every single song.

the fall mix is up to eighteen songs now, most of which will probably stay on, and in about thirteen more, it will be done. which makes me happy. it's a little sad, according to kit, but to me it is just what i've been listening to lately. i unveiled it in the car on the way to the phillies happy hour yesterday, and she skipped through the middle of the mix.


i read a lot today. blogs, and nina's book 'fun home'. and then watched 'gas, food, lodging' which was not at all what i expected or thought it would be. it was kindof hard to get through. knowing ione from 'dream for an insomniac' and wanting to kill fairuza in 'the craft' made it more interesting, to see them in what might have been their first movies. i don't know that it's accurate, but it's my best guess.


i didn't want to do anything today. i went to bed at maybe one last night, and got up to make coffee at ten. last night was a lot of fun until it wasn't. the game was the most exciting one since the one nina, kit, and i went to. there was a lot of screaming, and beer drinking, and rowdiness. which was fun.

and waking up while it was still dark out with a headache sucked ass, but i remedied that.

having waffles and french fries for breakfast and lunch made me feel like an irresponsible moron, but that's what i had.

which is why i went to the store. everyone made fun of me for my adventure at the corner store the other day, which i forgot to write about on here. so i went to the neighborhood store, where everything costs twice as much as it does at the regular grocery store. but i didn't feel like driving. so i kept it close.

i bought pasta sauce for the tortellini i had in my freezer. and a salad to go with the bottle of dressing i had. and chips to go with the salsa i had. and cheese, because there's never a bad combination involving cheese. and it was fourteen fucking dollars. but what was i going to do?

when i pulled the pasta out of the freezer, it was all freezerburnt and scary looking. but in an effort to not waste food (which is what got me into trouble at the corner store), i made it. and had to bury it in sauce and cheese to stomach it. it was horrible, but it was dinner. better than waffles and fries. but not by much.


and i laughed on the way to the store, because in my hyperbole reading, i got to this old post where she was talking about her stomach freaking out and cheese pancakes. which is to say a chunk of cheese in a frying pan.

awesome.

this girl should be inducted into our fold. she is hilarious.


somehow relating to one person on the other side of the country makes me feel better about myself. like, i'm not so crazy, because this other person is also writing about this that and the other thing that i have also experienced. bad oral hygiene. having days where i haven't brushed my teeth at all. refusal to floss. not using the heat in the wintertime. a crippling fear of spiders. letters to future versions of me from present me, and letters to past versions of me from present me. a love of encino man. staring at my boobs in the mirror while i wait for the shower to get steamy.

she has a problem with the dentist, too.


and let's just say that i'm now so scarred from my trip to the dentist and that root canal that i actually took bridgette's advice (my dentist) and dropped seventy fucking dollars on a sonicare toothbrush.

used it for the first time today. let's just say that it is a pretty rad invention.

not to bore you all to death, but my problem is that i brush my teeth too hard. so all my roots are pretty much showing, recession-wise. and that's why my teeth are so sensitive.

this thing keeps you from hurting yourself like that. and i'll brag. i've flossed almost every day for the last three weeks. and i feel better. my mouth doesn't bleed anymore, and i don't get headaches from my teeth shifting when i do. huzzah.


over fourth beer at neighborhood bar last night, after six hours of being out, kit was dragging discussion out of me. i was staring out the window for the most part. i was tired. not even drunk, but marinating.

and i told her about the relationship status thing yesterday.

and how i still feel nothing about him.

and how it still doesn't feel right.

and engaged hot bartender was lifting tables up over his head two at a time. i swear he does that shit on purpose. he walked inside past us, and i smiled hugely at him, because kit's coaching lately is that i should smile hugely at boys who i think are hot. instead of looking away. because that's what i always do, and it sends the wrong signal.

and a while after that, he came by after not having any interaction with us at all whatsoever, and picked up our tab and gave us high fives. kit said i was welcome.

it made no sense to me at all. i've never spoken to him. i only know his name from stalking the hell out of him and his art website. and it's mortifying to know so much about someone who doesn't even know that you exist. it's fucked up.


maybe the next time, i'll ask him his name. i don't want to flirt. but at least get some of the info from him that i already know. in a legitimate manner.

i know the majority of the people who work there. i guess because i liked him before i knew, i was too afraid to play the 'what your name' game with him.


all this stupid boy babbling.

it's the closest thing i have to any kind of a romantic interest right now.

missed connections on all sides. there's a short stack of boys from this summer that i'd hoped to strike up a virtual friendship with on fb, and all of them failed.

and now it's fall.

and it's feeling like i should be allowed to play with boys now. but as becky put it, 'i haven't even signed my papers yet'.


still nothing on that front. he's really busy i'm sure, emailing people all day long. 'working' hard. and dragging this whole fucking thing along.


i don't remember it now, but i know that ever was in my dream last night. along with random old friends. i know laurie was there. and it was bad and awkward. and i don't know where it came from.


but i want to ask intern to go to a show with me, and i know it's a bad idea. because either way, it's going to end badly. he won't go, and i get sad and go alone. or he does go, and i feel guilty and paranoid and keep myself from bringing him home with me. unless i get him drunk. and that also will only end badly.

which will it be?

i could just ignore the desire to be near him and laugh, and not ask.

fuckall.


and i don't know why, but for the past few days, i've been thinking of brownies. first, i was thinking about all the times we watched billy madison. and her cat toodles who would attack me while i was sleeping. random stuff as i walk around. so i should probably check in with her soon, because i usually think of her when she needs kind words.


and don't hold me to it, but i've been thinking of baking brownies, too. it started with the writer's birthday.

and i've had random things to mail to aubree's girl and nina for a while now. so i should probably get on that. maybe tomorrow. if my oven decides to bake instead of burn everything.


which reminds me of another thing i handled this week.

i paid my rent with a note to landlord. about painting and the refrigerator.

so he came up last sunday when i got back from dc to inspect the refrigerator. again. we've been over this before.

and said he'd ask about getting it repaired, but that i'd probably just get a new one. and that he's broke right now, but just got a job, so don't worry. he'll take care of it by the 30th.

i saw him maybe tuesday night, coming home from work in a bowtie, all dressed up. talking about working full time.

and called me at work on thursday to tell me all this shit that i don't need to know or care about, the ins and outs of refrigerator repair and how much it costs to fix things vs replacing. and that he needed to come by to measure. but that he's at work full time, so he can't come by until 6.


i want to do a few things. like scream at him, 'do you want a fucking COOKIE, you dolt? i've been working full time since i was fifteen during the summers, and for my entire life since i was nineteen. you are a jackass.'

and i also want to slip a note under his door on the first of the month that says, 'sorry. i'm really broke right now. but don't worry. i have a full time job. i'll take care of this by the end of the month.'


seriously? this guy is such a dumbass.

as far as landlords go, he's a total dipshit.

how can you be broke when you JUST cashed my check for $700 for rent for an apartment that sucks ass?

i don't know. i don't understand. he's retarded.

and i got angry all over again the other day. for the time he guilted me about showing me the apartment on the night when i didn't want to see it. it was this huge inconvenience for him, blah blah blah. YOU LIVE ONE FLOOR DOWN, YOU FUCKING DICK. and he went on to say how hard it is to be a landlord.

on this end of things, i have yet to see one landlord-y thing tended to. seriously. he used the neighbor's weedwhacker one day to mow down the weeds that were knee high in the front of the house.

that about sums it up.

there's a pile of mail in the hall. because it belongs to no one in the building. and i always take it and recycle it. but that's not my job. he should do that.

and i vacuum the hall on occasion, so i don't track all the dirt in after i clean my place up. you should see the size of the dustbunny families where the vacuum doesn't reach, and inside the front door.

again. his job.

and if he doesn't give me the paint for my place, i'm now at the point where i'm going to buy it and put the receipt with my reduced rent check.


that's my rant. i've been putting my foot down, slightly, with him. i haven't mentioned the stove. i mean, why should i? he doesn't want to replace the fridge because it keeps things cold. why would he want to replace an oven when the stove works just fine? or the bathroom slatted window from 1971 that doesn't shut all the way. he'll tell me how much the kit costs to cover the window myself.

ughhhhh.

i'd make a good landlord.

and i was thinking of that yesterday.

if i could somehow buy the house from under ever, and rent it out. i'd be a great landlord. god forbid this building gets mice. or has some other bigger problem.

i should start asking about the free heat, just to freak him out. 'hey, where's my thermostat? it's kinda cold in my apartment. didn't you say heat was included in my rent?'

yeah.


enough of that. i'll get all upset again.

seriously, though? he's an idiot. and if i wasn't so lazy, i'd look for a subletter to get me the fuck out of here. i still hate this place. even more now that i have to talk to him and deal with him.

he talks. and talks. and talks.


somehow i managed to waste nearly an entire day on the computer. i still don't know how. i woke up relatively early. i got a shower and put on makeup and everything, in hopes of doing something.

but i just did nothing.


tomorrow is another phils game. i don't know who i'll watch with or where i'll be, but it will be a fun time, no matter what i do or where i go or who i lose my voice with, screaming.

i guess i'm resting up and saving up for that. because i'm tricking myself into believing that i'm broke. in an effort to save and not spend. to get six fillings and go home for christmas. to get a passport to go nowhere. and i have a pretty good idea that i can't get the iphone until march. too bad, but also fine. save even more money...