the wedding. and dc. october 3rd.

i'm still trying to write september everywhere.

the wedding was fun, after a long period of awkwardness. and the ceremony was awesome for them, just what i would have expected.

the drive back to dc after was almost an hour after all. and kit's sister's house was amazing. really. it kinda fucked with me, because in my mind, it is what my house should have looked like when we were done. in my mind, it is what i pictured. their house was incredible.

i liked dc.

except for the part about not having a sweater/coat/jacket/hoodie on hand, and about leaving my walking shoes at home and. or any shoes other than the fancy ones i wore to the wedding. i thought it pretty funny that i spent hours being mad at chalk for not bringing walking shoes to the city when he wanted to walk places.

yet, i knew i was going to dc and doing a little sightseeing, and didn't think to bring a second pair of shoes.

i think the best word for my weekend was awkward. there were several times where i just felt like i shouldn't have been somewhere or shouldn't have been doing something i was doing.

i got to the wedding house at 630, after waiting in the car for what felt like an acceptable arrival time. there were about ten cars parked outside, so i thought there were a bunch of people already there.

and there were. but they were all the people who were in the party or parents or close relatives.

i waited until i saw a carful of people show up that i knew were friends. and they got out of the car, so i started walking up to the house. but they weren't behind me.

i didn't know if i was supposed to go to the front door or around the back where all the tables and chairs were. i opted for the back, because the front door scared me.

the back doors were open, and there were people in the kitchen so i walked in, and said that i was a friend of ash's and could i help with anything.

they said they had it all covered, and thanks. then i realized that the guy making the kabobs in shorts and a tee shirt was her dad.

and went back outside, feeling like an idiot. but then the carful came to the front door, and made their way out back and we all stood around in a big circle, all commenting on not knowing where we were supposed to be, or how early we were, and what we were supposed to be doing. and, as i had feared, i was underdressed. all the guys were in suits and ties. even the punk. and all the girls were in teeny coctail dresses.

what was funny was that i was freezing in a long sleeve shirt and dress pants. i hadn't bothered to check the weather to know that it was going to be FIFTY. and if i had brought the party dress from florida, i would have fit right in with all the other girls, but i would have frozen my ass off. so i was glad that i didn't go that route, even if it made me feel like a bum.

pretty soon, dave came out in his tux and started pouring wine for everyone, including himself, and saying hello.

i thought that was pretty funny. he was not playing the role of groom. he was showing gratitude for people coming to the wedding, and was playing host to those same people.

and when someone came down and said that the ladies were ready, they started the music and everyone took their places. i thought it was pretty awesome - they played 'all i want is you'. and ash started crying from inside the house, loudly enough to be heard in the seats in the yard.

what was funnier was that she was kindof hiding in the doorway, and reached across the doorway to a glass of wine on a ledge, and slammed it. everyone was cracking up.

then her dad walked her down and she could not stop crying. it was really sweet, and reminded me of this friend wendy i used to work with, who would burst into tears anytime she talked about how much she loved her husband.

they were both just really happy. everyone was. and because they're two of the funniest people i know, they were cracking jokes during the ceremony, and getting laughs the whole time.

and then they were married by a friend, and i cried when they played 'in my life' after it was official and they were walking back inside.

i don't know if i will ever be able to hear that song and not feel instantaneously sick to my stomach, but it was the only time that i felt bad at all about being at a wedding.

then there was drinking and food and craziness. because dave's a lawyer, and all of his friends are, too, it was a very festive party. mostly everyone was drunk. except for me, because i had to drive.

part of me wishes that i'd had the money to get the hotel room. but i think things would have gotten out of hand in a hurry if i had, and i'm glad that i kept myself where i was, because i ended up escaping my first divorcee wedding without any permanent scarring.

and there were boys. one was the boy that i talked to at the christmas party, luke. he said i looked familiar later, but couldn't remember meeting me or talking to me at the party before. and the other boy was someone i hadn't met yet, pete, who did a kegstand and danced with the bride after the father daughter dance.

i think luke could tell that i was alone and not as comfortable as i should have been. right after the ceremony, he slapped me on my back and said, 'let's get you a drink'. he was probably on glass three of wine by that time.

when the reception shifted from food to what should have been a dance party, pete kept grabbing my hand and dancing with me. only he liked to spin me, and i kept telling him not to. and we'd laugh pretty much every time he ignored me and spun me again. it was his favorite dance move. he was hysterical.

it was fun. i had a good time. and it was what i knew it would be. it was the way that every wedding should be. the two of them just belong together, and it didn't feel like two kids getting married, or like two people getting married for the wrong reasons.

the way it was put in a toast was that they've been married for a long time, but now they're making it official. and i couldn't have said it better.

so when it was about 11, and the cake was cut, i left. i said goodbye to pete, who was dancing with someone's grandmother, and to luke. i told him that he should find me on fb and that the next time i stay with my friend nate, we should grab a beer in the city.

i was grateful to him for keeping me company when i didn't want to be on my own anymore. and i think that if i had stayed, i would have gotten drunk and probably tried to kiss him. but i just felt so strange being there, though not at all panicky, and vulnerable maybe. so i knew i did the right thing. if i hadn't left so early, i would have given him a ride to the hotel, but i was definitely the first to leave.

in any case, the ride to kit was about an hour, and i was smoking most of the drive back. her sister and brother in law were awesome, and not at all angry that i showed up at about midnight.

kit and i stayed up pillowtalking and giggling for an hour or so before passing out, then got up early for brunch with a friend of hers from school who relocated to dc to work in a lab there.

went back to the house, had some more coffee, talked for a while, then went to run around dc for a while.

i couldn't smoke around her expecting sister, which proved to be a little harder than i thought, only because of the number of hours spent with her family. it's not that the non-smoking was hard. it was that i was cranky and tired, had a beer, had some food, all of which would normally be causes to smoke.

we had a beer at this amazing rooftop bar, which had the best view of anything in dc. panoramic view of every monument and building you could want to see. and it was just a few blocks from the white house, so we were as close as you can get. just mindblowing. if you had binoculars, there is no doubt that you could have seen the family running around inside the place.

the way i explained myself to kit was that i felt like i shouldn't have been there. they were so nice to me, and went out of their way to make me comfortable. i mean, her sister lent me socks and shoes so i could walk around with them.

i was on my last $50 by the time i got to their place, and a view like that comes with a hefty price. they bought us beers and an appetizer to split. and i couldn't justify buying lunch there, because the cheeseburger was $17. i just couldn't do it. so i decided to get dessert after they were eating, but the server never came back, despite our beers being empty before their lunch was gone, and i ended up eating most of kit's fries.

we had a discussion in the car about going to fancy places for food, how i am not now, and might not ever be comfortable with it. that i will try to get better at splurging every now and then, but that there was no way in hell i was going to spend that much at that time. and how her family has gotten over it, because they see each other so infrequently.

i don't know. i felt like i should have let kit hang with her friend and her family and that i should have just done my own thing. but all of them went out of their way to make me feel comfortable with them, so it was all in my own head.

it was just awkward. start to finish. driving alone, the wedding, dc tour. i didn't feel normal until i was nearly back here. kit and i were exhausted from our walking tour of dc and the smithsonian american history museum all afternoon.

what was awesome is that the drive that took five hours on the way down, took less than three on the way home. the difference that traffic makes is just unreal on that drive.

we debated going to the bar when we were back so far ahead of schedule. i was hungry and wanted a beer, but was wearing my stupid heels, and yoga pants, and had greasy hair in a pigtail and my broken glasses on, so there was no way i was going in looking like that.

so i came home, and grabbed a beer and some leftovers, and got into bed to watch the second episode of wonderfalls. it's nowhere near as good as pushing daisies, but i get to see lee pace for a couple minutes an episode, and the boy crush of the lead actress is hot, too. and when the episode ended, i couldn't keep my eyes open, despite wanting a smoke and a second beer. i just passed out. it was great, because i was so tired from all the driving and lack of sleep the night before.

and for today? well, today i cleaned my apartment top to bottom. and i feel really good about it. it smells good, it looks nice. i even made my bed for the first time all month. pretty funny. i never make my bed.

then i had some waffles. and some grits. and a smoke. and a visit from kit. and i think i might go get some fresh smoky air again, and maybe play some scrabs for good measure.

i think that what i'm left with from this weekend is this strange chain of memories from my own wedding, and the new string of the ones of ash and dave's. it's funny how time changes things in your mind. or how getting a divorce changes the way that you must have felt at the time into some new other type of feeling.

i don't remember much of my wedding. but i have a lot of pictures. and i guess more than anything else, today i think about how everyone must have felt watching us. because at the wedding this weekend, everyone there has known for a very long time that the two of them would be married. that they had found their matches. and i wonder who, at my wedding, was like 'who is this guy she's marrying?'

when i see our pictures, i think about how scared i look in most of them, and ever, too. and i just wonder how it would have felt to get married with the feelings that were going around this weekend. where the parents have known each other and loved each other for years. and where the friends are all mutual and like both of them equally. i know that most of my friends never much cared for ever. and his family was just weird. not nice, not willing to be close at all. i mean, his mom loved me, and his grandparents. but i think they would have loved anyone who took care of ever. they were just impressed that he got married, i think.

his grandmother was a jeweler, and that's who he got our rings from. and the day he asked me to marry him, he said that his grandmother had warned him that i might say no, and that, if i did, he shouldn't get upset with me, that i might just need more time.

i think that, knowing his past, they never thought he'd do the things that he did with me, and since me. and that kept me going for a long time. there was something to the 'proving them all wrong' thing. lumped into that were also my friends. i just can't figure out now why i felt like i had something to prove to anyone. because it compromised my judgment. and decision making.

i love cliches. they're timeless for a reason, right?

i threw caution to the wind. i thought i knew what i needed to know. and now i wonder if i even got married believing that it would be forever. i think i just thought it would be until ever died, and i expected to be a young widow.

i hope that nothing changes for the two of them. i hope that they just continue on the path they've been on for the last ten or so years. i'm certain that they will. marriage changed everything for me. i had no idea.

but for them? for them, it's an exciting time. and i bet that in the next year or maybe two, they will have a kid. her sister has a seven week old, and she can't seem to get enough.

they go to italy in the spring. i'm excited for them. and happy for them. and they have promised to invite me bowling the next time they go in a group.

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