standup. october 6th.

i only know that i want to write something, because it's been four days. not what to write about.

again. feeling like i have nothing to say.

i'm catching up on hyperbole and a half. which i adore. and like kit, i laugh until i cry, and that is awesome.

last night, before sleep, i listened to standup while playing scrabble online.

the two nights before, i didn't sleep well. i was up until after 2 both nights, tossing and turning. despite being in bed by 9 or 10.

it's been a lot of ever. thinking about the proceedings, without having any news from the lawyer. because one thing i realized is that i'll probably be in florida when i file for the court to determine the way things get split and the timeline for selling the house. and saying as i filed for divorce the last time i was in florida, it seems like the way things will inevitably go this time around.

he's free to ignore my proposed agreement for up to ninety days before we can do anything to skate around him.

so i was just playing out scenarios in my mind. for hours.

and i'd try to think of boys or chalk or anything else. i could only divert the path of thoughts to work, which was equally maddening and stressful. and end up back at ever. repeatedly.

last night, i remembered that when i couldn't sleep at the house, i'd put on ultraman and pass out in fifteen minutes. or nova specials.

i can't revisit ultraman as much as it works for me. being lulled to sleep by japanese and english. unable to read subtitles with my eyes closed. it is still too sensitive and ever-reminding.

so i opted for a monarch butterfly documentary. i made it about ten minutes in and got the best night's sleep i've had this week so far. it was good.

so far this week, i've barely left work. open-ish to close yesterday, and today and monday were long days. nine and ten hours. tomorrow will be another nine hour day at suck store. at least i can facebook through the day there.

the longest fucking week.

and i was telling kit yesterday. every week i say, 'if i can just survive this week, things will be so much easier. it will get better.'

but when i say that every week, it becomes hard to believe that things will ever be or feel easier.

what helps is that i got paid yesterday. and in celebration of making it through the brokest time i've had in months, i went straight to the bar for a beer and dinner from work. eleven hours was too much yesterday.

i had a beer and some carnitas. i was proud of myself, because the best beer on tap was bell's two hearted. and i usually am not a fan of ipa's, but this one is awesome. and my former coffee-related favorite double white was also on tap. and i didn't get it.

it's the baby steps sometimes. little insignificant things you do to convince yourself, one thought at a time, that you are a changed person, capable of adapting to differences in emotion and thought processes.

one tiny obsession at a time.

and in talking to nina and kit, and in writing in paper journal for the last four days about it, i think that i've come up with a synopsis of the ever situation.

he will do nothing. because that's what he does. he talks a big intimidating game. he convinces people of things that are not true at all. he did it during our marriage, using his words to his advantage.

until things didn't come through like he'd said they would.

or telling me he had three lawyers he was consulting at subway that day.

and how all of them told him all of these things.

and telling my lawyer he had a lawyer. it's all bullshit.

he'll use words until there's a financial implication. i could have had free consults with a hundred lawyers, and told him i had a hundred lawyers. but until i pay one, it's just talk.

i don't want to think about this before sleep again.

it's hard to be hormonal and angry at the same time.

i'm tired of being bitter with the man i was married to. am still currently unfortunately married to.

i'm tired of being upset and awake at night. i'm tired of not having a mental escape. i had intern there for a couple of days. but even in my night time daydreams, there are logistics that my imagination cannot get around. so that was short lived.

and for some reason, now chalk is a source of stress for me. not really stress, but just another awkwardness. or worry. and not for any good reason. at all. whatsoever.

when i got my wallet, dustin mentioned that there won't be more than a couple bbq's left.

so now, i'll add conor to my list of boys to no longer waste time thinking about.

i'm beat.

i'm up at 6.

i'm going to sleep now-ish.

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