will i just get used to this?
i mean, today i was driving to lunch with lauren, and my heart was racing and my hands were shaking. i was a nervous wreck. for no reason at all.
i feel physically ill most of the time, and when it passes, i'm starving. i was alternating thinking about contacting ever and my surgery and i just couldn't calm myself down.
luckily, i didn't have the ativan on me, or i would have popped one. i didn't need it. i just needed to calm down.
and i hate that it took about a third of a beer at 3pm to feel normal, and able to eat.
all weekend, i just wanted to be drunk. i didn't achieve it. but i just had this feeling inside. because if i'm drinking, then i'm not upset. i just get angry, and that is an entirely different feeling than the nervous anxiety i feel before i drink.
how do people deal with this shit? how am i supposed to deal with ever calling all the shots out of my ear distance? when his method of calling is just to do nothing.
today, i worried about him not paying the homeowners policy that is now in his name. because now i have no way to know if it's handled. like my new fear developed today that he'll change the password on the mortgage account so i can't see it. i think he forgot that i have it, luckily.
it's too close to bedtime to think and write about this. it's 9 and i already took my nyquil because i'm up super early yet again, and i'm wide awake because i'm on my weekend up late schedule. luckily, i woke up before 9 both days this weekend and didn't go back to sleep.
in other news, chalk is now actively buttering me up for my trip home.
flirting heavily, telling me he'll take my mind off my problems if i just spend a couple hours with him.
at least i'll get laid when i get home.
that has to help, right?
i can't even say that i've been redlining. i've had no drive at all since he was here last. i still want to make out for days at a time, but it's different. that whole 'itch i can't scratch' feeling has completely abandoned my body.
at least i'll get a make out fix, too.
i want to make it my goal to make out with someone besides him before the new year, but i don't think it will happen. i don't have my sights set on anyone.
and lately, to make matters more complicated (simpler, actually), i've been wanting to unfriend both intern and coffee, because it's like some variation of a constant reminder of conquests gone badly to see things that they take time to mention. or other people's pictures they appear in.
most of the time, neither of them bother me. as far as thinking about them... but then, intern isn't joining for my birthday karaoke, and even though he would probably be the only guy there, which is probably why he said no, it's still a bummer.
and then coffee. well, let's just say that his new life with his love is a little much to see all the time. i hid her first, but he's been posting things that have just made it sink in. and completely ignoring the one comment i made.
so it just goes to show that neither of them are doing anything positive for me. so i hid coffee. and i'll see if i can muster the strength to delete them.
maybe it will be my birthday present to myself.
and in yet another completely unrelated newsline, nina was right about buffy. the first three seasons, meh. nothing really spectacular, save for two or three episodes that were pretty well done.
but season four is really funny, and the writing is improving, and i enjoyed all three episodes i watched tonight.
buffy has really helped me this last two weeks. that, and the middle. which has been a laugh fest.
i'm okay with distracting myself from all my real problems with fictional ones. i'm actually looking forward to suck store tomorrow, because i know i'll make tips and have an easy day. despite the bit about waking up so retardedly early.
i guess i can write tomorrow. and hopefully read a little of that book, too.
i can relax a little, knowing i handled some business this weekend, and tomorrow i can clean my apartment and maybe even do my laundry, and not feel so bad about just sitting around all weekend, and going out a little, too, and not getting anything done around the apartment.
i'm dreading this week. and i shouldn't be. i mean, there are legitimate reasons to dread it. but there's also a couple things to look forward to. like my birthday.
i just hope it's better than the last few.
i can't believe that last year, i was home now. and halfway through my trip. in fact, to think about it, tonight was probably the exact night that coffee showed up and knocked me on my ass.
i can't believe how much i cried when i had to fly back here to ever and a shitty life.
so this birthday has to be better than that. even if it isn't spent having wine with lindsey and mom's birthday cake that i was too nervous to eat.
one thing is for certain. i won't be wasting my wish this year on stupid coffee. all i wanted was a phone call.
and i never got that wish.
i've come a long way. and hopefully 2011 and 33 will be my year. things will have to get easier after they get worse.
i just keep wishing time away. and i know that's not right.
i just keep wishing for it to be summer. so i can reach some crazy goal i set for myself without buckling. and be home where things are slow and easy and ever-free.
i should do some writing exercises. but i'd rather watch the next buffy and drift off to sleep.
goodnight, blogger. goodnight, moon.