meltdown. december 7th.

i don't even know what to write. another call home, another night of feeling like i'm headed for a big time snap. a meltdown.

mom sent my birthday package. i was thinking about it, walking around today. she always comes through, and always in time.

it was here when i got home.

instead of a birthday package, what she sent was simply incredible. birthday card on top. with money. but it was a huge package. with a christmas card.

it explained that, starting the day after tomorrow, there was a present for each day, until i go home. they're numbered. like an advent calendar, only for my trip home. she hopes it makes the time go by more quickly, and that it makes me happy every day until i am home.


i told her she topped herself, and probably will never be outdone.

she is seriously the most thoughtful person ever. the best mom ever. the package didn't make me cry, but i'm feeling kinda close to tears now that i'm writing about it.

each little thing is gift wrapped in christmasy stuff and dated and numbered on the tag. so i have twelve gifts lined up in front of my bookshelf. which means that i go home in thirteen days.


it's okay that i'm shaky over ever. last night was a big deal.

i'm going to have to actively try tomorrow to not be super mopey. i have been feeling like debbie downer for about two weeks now. since i got sick, since kit's fam came to town. since thanksgiving.

but tomorrow i'm going to have to assume the 'fake it til i make it' position.

i told kit. it's most important that i spend my birthday having a drink with her. but aside from that, i'm afraid to get my hopes up that any other person would show up. because i'm already so sad that i don't want one more thing to be sad about. especially not the ratio of people invited to people making an appearance.

i only have a few close friends. and now that this ever thing is worse for me, i guess that i feel like i have even fewer. even if that isn't exactly the case. in my head is where they're lacking. and i guess that i'm the only one who has changed.


in any case, work will be fun tomorrow. goofing off with the girls in some ridiculous hat they bought for me to wear all day long. it reminds me of middle school. my mom and friends would buy balloons. i always loved carrying them around. because people who wouldn't normally stop and say hi or ask me about my day would. it will be a little like that tomorrow. it's going to make the day more fun. and will be a great excuse to flirt with cute boys. even if it only lasts for a day. it will be nice to feel a little special.