inspired. october 24th.

so this weekend was hard in some ways. but rewarding because of it.

so we saw 'it's kindof a funny story'. i'm not really a preview person, but we caught a cab to get to the movie on time and ended up seeing them.

there was this preview for this movie 'the freebie'. dax shephard is in it, who i don't think anything of because of 'baby mama'. but this one looks interesting. it's about a couple who is married, who decide that it would be okay to have a one night stand with someone. and it's something i've thought about and talked about with people before. and it looks like it would be heartbreakingly awesome.

but seeing 'funny story' was not what i expected. i guess i thought we were seeing due date, and was expecting a funnier movie. but it was pretty heavy. and after the other day when i felt like i should check myself into a hospital somewhere, combined with lines and images i could relate to a little too well, made it hard to watch.

i don't want to say much about the storyline, but being where i am right now, and feeling the way i feel right now, it made me wonder if going away for a five day stint would help me at all.

i decided that, as of right now, i'll be okay. but if ever keeps up this bullshit, i can't say that will remain to be true. he makes me feel crazier than i already feel.

the soundtrack was amazing. broken social scene had a lot to do with it. but there's a part where the xx is playing that might have been my favorite part of the movie.

and the artwork inspired me to make art. which i'd already been thinking about.


so it was natural to really dig into the comics of the blog. i have two posts completely framed out, broken up, and i have a lot of ideas how to illustrate them. as i was breaking up the text, the images were obvious to me. but i don't know that i can draw them. at least now they're framed. i started with olfactory, as i had planned. and then cupid, as i had also planned. i will do a few more, and try my best to pick up a sketch book this week.

i realized yesterday that i don't have any regular sized sketch pads. they're all the huge ones from drawing classes at fleisher. so it encouraged me to do the layouts.

i found a program online to download. it says it's a trial, and that you can buy it for $25. i haven't closed it out, so i don't know what the deal is with the trial. hopefully i can do what i need to do with it and not run into problems later. and if i do? it's pretty cheap...


after the movie, it was still early on friday, maybe 9. and i wanted to go to the bar, not home. i just knew that i would be too sad if i was alone. so kit decided to join me. and it was the most fun i've had there, ever.

we sat at the end of the bar, where all the servers/bartenders hang out, and we heard so much funny drunken gossip. and everyone was i a good mood, so jokes were being cracked left and right.

it felt good to feel like something other than a thirsty and hungry customer, i guess.

i came home after two beers. i hadn't eaten dinner, so i was a little silly and cut myself off.


i spent most of yesterday doing comics while listening to episodes of the universe in the background. i've now seen and listened to about five episodes. they are really fascinating, and i like that i'm learning and getting my mind blown all at the same time. and creating something, too. i need a healthy hobby, and getting back to art even though i'm both afraid of it and intimidated by it is pretty exciting.

i was killing time until the phils game out with lauren.

i was bummed, because it was supposed to be an early game, and then got switched to a late game.

and because i have been pushing myself lately, i took the train alone. i realize that when i'm going out, i rarely go out alone. and i certainly don't ride the train alone at night to a part of town that i get turned around in easily.

luckily kit and i had taken the route last week, or i might have struggled a little with it.

i started to feel a little panicky, and super nervous for some reason, when i was heading to the train. i didn't want to get caught in the waiting underground due to the direction of traffic away from the stadiums. so i just walked halfway there. all the way to city hall, which took about thirty minutes i guess. and hopped the train to the northeast.

without incident. so it was good to be nervous, and do it anyways, and have it work. and not worry about driving after four or five hours of drinking and stressing over the game that they eventually lost.

i'd missed the last train home, so i had to catch a cab.

i took more cabs this weekend than i have in the last three months. which was only two. but until a few months ago, i'd only taken one once since i lived here.

i'm just too cheap. and i have more time than money most of the time.

i had a great time with lauren. i'm glad i haven't completely lost my ability to make new friends. for a long time with ever, i couldn't. every time i'd meet someone i cared to spend any amount of time with, i'd flake on them repeatedly. and just not be a good friend, in general.

when i met kit, she made me want to be a better friend. and i've worked on myself a lot through my relationship with her.

and meeting a new person who is awesome is great. we spent chunks of time before the game and during commercials getting to know each other, and catching up on our weeks.

and cheered our asses off.

and drank a lot of beer. and ate some naughty bar food, too.


i chatted with nina when i got home around one. how i had five beers and was surrounded by so many of my 'dominant type' boys and didn't even say hi to a single one is beyond me.

i think i'm still afraid of ever, deep down inside.

and i think i just won't have the balls or confidence to make moves on any boys here ever. i think i won't get those things until i'm home again.

i wish i could figure out why. i mean, it's definitely about who could be around. who might see me. who someone might know or be linked to, in a six degrees of separation kindof a way.

i know that when i was walking last night to city hall, i passed a girl on the sidewalk. and she was walking towards me, so i saw her from a block off. and she had dreads, and from that far away, she looked like ever's roommate. and i instantly panicked, despite being alone and sober. it is just a reaction. i want it to go away. and i shook my head at myself when i got a little closer, because she looked nothing like her. and thought about why my reaction was to panic.

am i afraid to get my ass kicked? maybe. with her specifically, probably.

but i don't know, beyond that. i just want to be invisible. and walking down the street in a bright red peacoat is no way to dress when you want to be invisible.

so the loss of the game sucked all the energy and excitement right out of the bar. as soon as the last pitch was thrown, someone yelled 'turn it off!' when the giants started to celebrate going to the world series.

and i cracked up because the channel was already being changed as it happened. and they turned on 'everybody loves raymond'. what a funny thing to see in a bar. i guess it took a minute to figure out what to put on. it must have been on the next channel.

so we settled up and walked. i hopped the cab after debate about more drinking and dancing. as per the usual, when i'm out on saturday night, i never feel like going. but all week, and even friday night, i wanted to go. too much beer and too much disappointment. so i just went home.

my cab driver was hilarious. he was talking to me the entire way home, which is unusual. all about the fucking phillies and these fucking guys and the fucking eagles.

it was really odd. he was maybe greek, and probably 55. wearing a plaid shirt and a sweater vest. just a really interesting combination all the way around.

but i made it, into bed, and woke up late.

actually pretty hungover. but it wore off quickly with coffee.


so landlord is finally replacing my refrigerator. and giving me lots of paint and supplies. if i don't have to move back into the house, i'll paint the whole place. which will be so much better. it needs it. bad.

i got the feeling that he was probably trying to get my rent check early. i always pay when i get paid on the 20th, but last month and this month held the check because i was annoyed with him. i didn't give it to him.

but i cleaned up my cigarette butts from the stoop in an effort to repay his efforts. after cleaning up the apartment and doing all my laundry, linens included. it felt good to have a totally clean place for the majority of the day. to patter around barefoot and smell swiffer. and clean laundry.

i bought some detergent i'd never used before. kit tells me i use entirely too much soap when i do laundry, which is true. i use at least four times the recommended amount because i can't use softener sheets but want my clothes to smell good. i was pleasantly surprised at how lovely everything smells. there's nothing like it.


coffee just posted to facebook the funniest status ever. about picking up his dog's poop and never realizing how much she poops. so i guess they made it.

they're in chicago. without green grass and humidity. without upper 80s today. one big happy family. i'm trying to snuff out my jealousy. i mean, my non-existent jealousy because i don't want him at all. maybe sadness is the better word.


well, back to it. something to watch before sleep early. getting up tomorrow is going to suck, but the week will go by quickly, so there's that...

here's to hoping it's better than last week.



i lied. i need one more cigarette.

this is the part of my sunday that sucks terribly. being wide awake, as i should be, at 9 pm. with the alarm set to go off in eight hours.

hungry enough to want food that will wake me up further.

none of it good.


i have this need to ask intern to a show next saturday.

and it makes me want to crash diet this week. salads and meat. it's pretty terrible when atkins crash diet is more healthy than what i eat normally.

i don't do crazy fats, like they suggest.

but this weekend, let's see...

friday night, popcorn with extra butter at the movies. two beers.

stomachache. can't go to the movies and not get one.

saturday, nachos and taco salad for lunch. deep fried pretzels and french fries for dinner. i think five beers over the course of the night.

sunday, pizza and fries for lunch. two beers.


this is a problem.

and i wish i could find balance with it, but i cannot. it's all or nothing with me.

i'm going to have to find motivation from somewhere, because my florida clothes keep getting tighter and tighter, and i now have three pair of pants that i can't wear.


man i wish i had a job where i could call in sick and just do the work the next day. like an office job.

i talked to mom today. it was the first time she mentioned aubree at length. so that made me happy. even though it's not like it was, it's forward progress.

and we talked about my ghost a little. shockingly, it was why she called. she had a youth group with high school girls, and i guess she's using his story to show that sometimes your friends aren't your friends. and that what you don't know can kill you.

and then talked a little about my coming home. and how i don't know what kenna will do.


i mentioned my obsession with google analytics before. and i anonymously follow blogs that can be traced to me, except for the writer, because it feels safe. and he is my only follower. but somehow a bunch of people in virginia have found my blog and keep coming back to it.

i wonder what people who don't know me think when they read this thing. or why they would keep up with my miserable life. unless it's like watching an accident.

in any case, i'm grateful to feel like i have more readers.

it's like an imaginary support group.

maybe they're as sad and lost as i am.

maybe they're going through something similar.

in any case, as always, thanks for reading.

i'll try to post something worth reading...