. feb 25th.

i'm glad that the day shaped up better than it started off.

when i woke up, i felt like crying. and i woke up too early and my mind started racing about house stuff, and i couldn't fall back asleep.

i got ready, pulling things out of my bathroom bin, and got dressed, pulling clothes out of my bedroom bin.

i'm really glad to not be sleeping at the house tonight.

i'd just like to put that out there.

so last night, i packed, expecting to spend tonight moving in. getting situated, roughly, and hanging out with the puppy.

i impressed and surprised myself with the amount of work i accomplished last night. today, not so much.

i packed my entire bathroom. i love that i'm forgetful enough to rebuy things that i don't need, because it means that i have two of almost everything i use daily. which means that i can have one set here, and one at the house.

i packed the clothes that i wear often, and the clothes that i can destroy cleaning and working on the house. i packed a lot of my dry food. and all of my spices. i finished packing my books. i dismantled the entertainment center (which is a major bummer, realizing that i'm going to be around this weekend after all). i still have a lot to do, don't get me wrong. but there are a lot of full boxes and full bins. and that makes me feel a lot better about moving this weekend. if i end up doing that.

went to the house this morning after getting the cashiers check at the bank. woke ever up for the second time in as many days. he looked awful. said he was moving until 4 this morning from 4 in the afternoon.

he let the puppy out so she could see me. she made her high pitched squealy sound and jumped on me to kiss my face. she definitely remembered me. and she was definitely happy to see me, even though i'm sure she was confused as shit. and even though i bet she's even more confused now that i'm not around again.

she breaks my heart. she makes me wish i could be friends with him. just to be able to see her again. except for the fact that he hasn't bathed her or cut her hair in ages, she was exactly the same.

i don't know. i can't really write about it or i will cry. again.

so i offered to take care of her. i told him to take care of her today, and i would move in tonight and go from there. and he said that he'd rather have a chance to clean the place up, which i was a big fan of.

and then something sad happened. he said he didn't want to upset me, but that he needed to say goodbye to the house. and he started crying when he said it.

the only time that i had ever seen ever cry was once. when his grandfather died.

he had to stop talking, but i knew what he was saying. and i shook my head, and said, 'hey. i know. i had to do it, too. it's okay. why don't you take today and tomorrow to clean and everything? and plan to be out by saturday night.'

to be clear, he did move out. but he isn't taking the bed, and he actually left a lot behind. which is both okay and not okay. it will be helpful when i need to stage the house at some point in the future. but for now, without the two bedrooms the tenants are using, i don't know where i'm going to put everything.

he left two bakers racks. which i'm also happy about. but also don't know how to use them best. he left a couch and a futon. the couch will get tossed. it's ugly and his old roommate's cat shredded it.

i asked him to designate an area of the front room for trash, so i know what he isn't taking and that belongs to no one. because garbage night is monday, he can't put it out now. maybe i will have him put it in the garage to make my life easier.

so a few interesting things happened. besides the crying bit.

when i noticed the bedroom smelled like cigarettes, i also noticed a pbr tall boy on the nightstand. sure, it could have been someone else's. but that, paired with the empty beer bottles there when i was there last in the kitchen, reaffirms my suspicion that he is on the drink again.

yesterday when i was there, i noticed that he is now skinnier than me. i bet he weighs what i do, because he's taller than me. scary. crazy. not good.

and the other interesting thing from today was, when i asked him to sign the receipt for the cashier's check, he said, 'i don't think there's a pen here, baby.'

i'm sure i made a face. i'm sure he did, too, the second he said it.

it was one of those oops moments. like when i start to say 'i love you' when getting off the phone with a vendor or something. out of habit.

it definitely reminds me that he can't be over it. my leaving him, the divorce. anything. i think that he really thought i might change my mind the day we signed. i think that, knowing it was over then, he still hasn't started to deal with it. i think he has just somehow ignored it for a year. it's crazy.

it makes me sad. and at the same time, half the time when he called me or when i called him, i expected to call him by his nickname (boonie - don't ask), or hear him call me by mine.

after about nine years of calling each other by pet names, i guess it's a hard habit to break, especially when you don't have the practice of seeing each other or talking enough to start using formal names.

plus, we were in the house together. which has to be strange for him. the puppy was certainly shocked by it.

i'm kindof flying by the seat of my pants here. i don't really know what to say and ask. so i can't start to figure it out until it's happening and i'm in it. and that's not my strong suit. but i'm trying.

i keep wondering if i'm really going to haul everything of mine to the third floor and take the whole thing over. if i can live without a door. if i want to.

i keep wondering what chemicals i can use to get the funk out of the house.

the first floor smells like animal. like poop and pee. it's so fucking gross.

and today, the bedroom smelled like smoke. i guess ever took up smoking in bed. and the shop seems to permanently smell like an ashtray.

smoking indoors is just so gross. i mean, i used to smoke in the shop when i lived there, but it smells like he smokes with the windows closed. it's just awful.

how much time will it take to banish the smells? can they be banished? i cannot wait, for a million reasons, until it's time to have the windows open all the time. it's nearly here. march winds. april showers. so ready for spring, it's all i can think about lately.

and about two weeks ago, mice showed up in my apartment. they showed up in the house this week. once i clean everything, i will probably have to call an exterminator. before that happens, there's just no point. and even once i do, there's still no point, because the floors are such a mess.

oh, landlordiness. good times to come.

i'd like to take a minute here to pause. and say how much i adore the shins.

pandora's been stuck on their channel for so long now, and i've taken to listening to albums on itunes when i'm not listening on my phone.

and the voice with that face? he's so cute. he's so slight. he resembles the writer. i'd let james mercer sing me to sleep every night. i'd even consider remarrying.

you can watch this and see why:


(you're not allowed to stop watching if you hate this until you see him dance)

but until he meets me and falls in love with me, i guess i'll go back to packing. or doing something other than laying in bed procrastinating. and swooning over another star who will never know that i exist.

it's time to get back to... you know... real life.

i don't know how i feel about any of it.

i don't have to puppy sit. it's a huge relief. there's now no rush to move in. it's all pretty amazingly pulled off. but, because i'm not in the house scrubbing into a frenzy, i feel kindof useless. pointless. wasteful.

i really don't feel like anything at all.

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