i don't even know how i feel. after sobfest 2011 last night, i should feel better. i don't even know why i fucking cried.
i think it was realizing that i was alone. and packing for only five minutes pushed me right over the edge. it was much easier to pack when i was angry and leaving. it's much harder to pack reluctantly and return.
but i wanted to distract myself and go out, despite the fact that i was already in pjs for the night. and when i realized that i wasn't going anywhere, i just lost it.
art night was good tonight. i had an easier time and made fewer huge mistakes. so my drawings ended up being decent.
then i got home, and had two emails from ever, with one from lawyer sandwiched between, in response to the email i posted last night.
apparently i overreacted. in my defense, ever could have set things up differently, by explaining himself. but because he didn't, i went to the darkest place possible. and freaked out. and wrote that letter.
he wrote today that if i would have asked him, he would have explained. all the questions about me moving in were in an effort to know who will be taking care of the puppy between tomorrow when he moves out and tuesday when i move in.
and also, that the people he had lined up, in the place he did put the deposit down on, backed out on him. so he has to go get the deposit back, but not until next friday, because the landlord is away.
he reminded me that he let me have my mail sent there while i lived at kit's. and i didn't say it, but he is right about that. it won't kill me to hand him mail (or make the roommate do it) once a week for a month, if that long. he let me do it for two.
and i don't feel like i can figure out a way for him to be out, but still take care of the puppy. i have a day to try to figure it out. the problem is that it means i'll have to be sleeping there. every day. starting monday. and that, even though he's moving out, he'll be in and out taking care of her until tuesday.
i know that i jump to conclusions. and usually with him, they are right. but i was a little off this time.
and i said mean shit and freaked out on him. and yeah, it's giving him back his own stress, which is stressing me out. but at the same time, i do want this to go smoothly, and i don't want him to have reasons to be spiteful in the last 48 hours i have to deal with him.
maybe it's the point, but the whole email he wrote made me feel like an asshole. it made me feel bad.
and today, at suck store, i found out that patti is gone.
patti has been my lady parts doctor for the eight years i've been here. she was the best. she knew my history (i've been on just about every form of birth control known to woman). and she did exactly what you need a lady parts doctor to do: put you at ease and make a truly unpleasant experience tolerable. she talked to me for an hour when i told her i was thinking about leaving ever the last time i saw her, about her own divorce, and her life since.
and i guess she just up and left two months ago. and all they said was that she went to the clinic. and that they don't take insurance there. so i can't simply follow her to where she went.
it's a sad day. if only i hadn't missed my yearly appointment timing in december. i would have gotten it out of the way, and then could have just gone when i'm back home again.
hormones, you are an asshole. you are assholes.
you're making me feel like one.
like a big mean jerk.
all i was trying to do was help.
expedite the process.
this week is trying to kill me. i am so tired. i haven't had a good night's sleep since last week this time. and i won't be getting one again until friday night.
tomorrow i see my shrink, then take the moving friends money to ever, because i'm stuck at work tomorrow night and can't hand it to them myself. then go to work. and stay late. i really wish i could sleep in. stupid shrink vacation. making me wake up early to have a session before she leaves.
and friday is also another sleep in day, normally. but now i'm going to the house to do the walk through before work, so i'll be up early again.
i'm so tired. exhausted, really. not sleepy.
thirsty. in need of a last cigarette.
will i ever sleep again?
will i ever stop being an asshole when i'm tired and hormonal?
i'm so beat, i can't even rate boys.