packing tape and storage bins. feb 22nd.

i stared down at the pack of packing tape.

i almost cried when i poked my thumb through the shrink wrap and pulled out the first roll.

it is time.

i'm hormonal. which makes packing a particularly awful fucking chore.

i called the gas company and the electric company today to set up service. for a week from today.

fuck me.

this is really happening.

pbr will get me through. and bishop allen.

(here, watch this: )

and writing little one off sentences, apparently.

the adhesive should smell like a fresh start, but instead it smells like unpreparedness.

if i could part with it, everything that gets boxed up over the next few days would just get thrown out or donated to charity. because it's the stuff i can bear to part with for months. which means that i don't need it.

i took off the line about being a minimalist on dating site, because i think that a true minimalist would have clothes for a week, a mat to sleep on, and food to eat.

but i don't want to part with any of it. there's no chance really for getting rid of things that are superfluous, because i did that when i left the house. these were the bare essentials. and i'm keeping all of it.

everybody, back into the house.

i had to take a break from rating boys. it's getting fucking ridiculous.

ever texted me a bit ago to say that the sublet reneged on letting him take the puppy. so guess who's puppy sitting for a month? as long as he understands that he is not welcome, i don't mind puppy sitting. i really believe that she has forgotten me. but maybe seeing me in the house as my habitat will refresh her memory?

and just like the last time, the books are the first thing to get packed. interesting...

best random thought of the day:

this bra is the best thing to happen to my tits since i was 19 and swore off of wearing one outside of work. every day is booby shirt day. every day is good cleavage day.

* * * UPDATE * * *

just sent this to ever, after a text asking if i was moving in before the 1st, and not being able to tell me where he is moving after the sublet, because thankfully i asked him:

'i am already feeling foolish for helping you with the $400 cash advance from the second settlement payment.

you led me to believe on the phone and in your email that the first half of the settlement money went to your new place (first/last/security) and that's how you came up so short for taking care of all of the bills you've racked up the past few months. so how is it that you don't have a new place, where all that money has gone, but have a few places you like that are opening up april 1st?

and why are you asking me if i'm moving in before the 1st?

you are allowed to take through the 28th to move out. but you get the remainder of your payment once you are completely out of the house, as the contract states.

you said you would be completely out by the 24th, and would collect your payment on the 25th. you can take through the 28th, and i will make sure lawyer has the check for the remaining $3100 to mail to you after i go through the house to make sure that everything is out.

i no longer agree to help you with cash ahead of schedule. i will not pay your bills for you, from the settlement money. i will not put cash into your account when you are out of the house. i will mail a new check to lawyer tomorrow, made out to you.

this is exactly what i was afraid of.

you told me your plan on saturday, and i decided to help you out on sunday with $400 cash for the moving truck or whatever, to ensure that you actually moved out on time.

i am not going to handle any of your bills for you. if the power and gas and water get shut off, then you will have to explain to your tenants and deal with the consequences of your disregard over the past several months.

i'm not going to fix this for you.

the utility companies explained that you would be responsible for any reconnect fees that are required for non-payment of your account. if the power and gas and water are shut off until the first, it is not my problem or my responsibility, and it won't affect me, because i won't be there.

i will move in on the 1st, as is stated in the agreement.

i am changing the locks, and you will not be allowed to re-enter my home at any time, for any reason.

i explained to you previously that you are to remove anything that belongs to you that you intend to keep, or that is trash, and anything that belongs to anyone other than the two people renting rooms is to be removed as well.

the exception is dude's piano, remaining until he either comes to pick it up, or if he himself tells me to keep it.

i agree to keep the puppy for the month of march while you are in your sublet. i will take care of her for that month, but you are not to come to the house.

you are not to have your mail delivered to the house, either. you can have it held at the post office or forwarded to your new address. i'm very serious about you not returning to the house after march 1st. i am not afraid to file a restraining order if that is what is required, though i'd rather not have to.

this is precisely why i don't talk to you on the phone. you say a lot of things, and they change, and i have no paper trail of proof.

i'm glad this happened before i gave you more cash ahead of schedule.

if the dudes do move you out on thursday, i'll be happy to hand them their $100 in person and the $100 for the gas for the moving truck from the second settlement payment. have him call me, if that is the case. i am happy to help the two of them as a personal favor to each of them.

aside from that, i am not giving you any more cash. and you will receive nothing else from me. lawyer will mail you the check for the rest.

i thought it was odd that, when you needed money you asked me for it, instead of all the people who are your friends and family that are so important to you that i cannot see them or interfere with them.

i am no longer responsible for fixing your problems and bailing you out of financial issues. it's the majority of the reason why i left, and now that the divorce is signed, your irresponsibility is officially no longer my problem.

do not call or text me again. i will not answer any of them. and continue to copy lawyer on any emails. that is the only way i will correspond with you.

let me know when you are out and i will do the walk through, and notify lawyer to mail your check to you.


fuck me, man.

i mean, it's not really a big deal right now. i didn't do anything retarded. except handing him $400 on sunday morning.

it's more that i know he wasn't honest (because he never is) and that he manipulated me (because he always does, when given the chance).

kit and i had a few parting sentences two nights ago. and she thought i got upset with her over it (i honestly didn't) and apologized repeatedly (she shouldn't have), because she was right in what she was saying (and when it comes to him, she usually is).

she said not to give him the rest any other way than through lawyer. or if i won't heed that warning, at least don't do it without a witness.

because he's in a bad place and is desperate. and she wouldn't put it past him to 'not receive the check' or 'not receive the cash' or whatever.

and my initial reaction was, oops. because i'd already told him that i could just put the cash in his account once he was totally out of the house, instead of going through lawyer with a check. save him a trip, save him time waiting for the check to clear. i don't care. if he is out, he is out. that is all he has to do.

my second reaction was, he wouldn't do that.

and my third and final reaction was, she's probably right. and i've already probably made a mistake.

i wouldn't have thought that, had she not asked what my parents had to say about helping him ahead of schedule. and i stuttered, explaining to her that i hadn't told them about it. there was a reason for that. i don't know how they'd react. but if i expected them to not care or be supportive, then i would have talked to them about it.

and what i said when i walked away was, 'stop apologizing. someone has to be the bad cop. i need to hear it.'

and now, less than 48 hours later, she is proven right. yet again.

thanks, kit, for always having my back. and for seeing what i am blind to.

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