for better, for worse. feb 24th.

somehow i forgot that, when i went to see the shrink last, it was the day of court, when ever had said, 'yeah. i want to stay in the house. i don't want to move.'

so she didn't know that he had agreed, signed, and gotten the first half of the settlement. so when i jumped into what happened between saturday and last night, she asked me to back up.

funny how quickly time passes. and how i feel like i tell everyone what's going on, and just assumed she was up to speed.

i got a little choked up talking about moving back into the house, telling her i expect it to be the hardest thing i've dealt with so far. she asked why, and i explained all the reasons: my best distraction (kit) and favorite bar being so far away, losing my freedom of living alone, living in the house for the first time without ever (not that it makes me sad, but i think it will feel very odd). mostly, i had to stop talking because i was starting to cry saying that i didn't think he realized that by me caring for her for the next month, i would reconnect with her and then have to lose her all over again.

i should be grateful for the time i have with her. but it's going to suck when he takes her again.

so tonight i was supposed to go to a movie with kit. but what happened was that, after a long week, and a really long and ridiculously stressful day, neither of us felt like going. so i gave it to steve who works at favorite bar, to take his girl to. and he was grateful. got some bells two hearted takeout beer, came home with kit. she's working on science while i pack up.

so what i decided today is that, though it gave me a panic attack, i have to move into the house tomorrow. just three bins of stuff and my backpack. the essentials.

he can handle the puppy in the morning. and i'll handle her tomorrow night.

when i spend the first night in the house in 11 months.

i will have the evening to clean as much and as quickly as possible. and to move my three bins in, so i can shower and get dressed and have something to snack on.

so instead of easing into the house, taking a month to split my time between the apartment and the house, i'm being forced into living there, because it's just not feasible to take the puppy out in the morning and after work and at night, and leave her alone around that.

welcome back to motherhood, tea. self sacrifice and responsibility.

well, my dinner is finished. and my second beer is cracked (a pbr, so as to wake up in the morning and deal with everything), so i really need to get back to packing.

everything must go.

i must move. quickly. but with clear thought and planning.

i'm already tired, and i've only just gotten started.

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