frozen. february 1st.

i can't believe it's february.

i don't know how to tell my shrink that i don't want to quit drinking, don't want to get out of bed, and still feel like shit. yet don't want to be on meds.

i don't know what ever is going to say, because time is running out and he has not yet responded to my email back to him.

i cannot fucking believe that valentine's day is almost here. it makes me want to die.


i feel like i know nothing.

i am scared. i don't want to move. every day i think of more things to be sad about, going back into that fucking house. the thought of packing makes me sick, and i cannot yet force myself to do it.

and i try to balance it out with daydreams of game nights, and dinner parties, and house guests.

but they can't be frequent enough to fix my triple commute to work, which i'll no longer be able to walk. or the fact that kit will be further away than half a cigarette. or the fact that favorite bar will be too far away. that i'll be living with boys and won't feel right having boys over, if that ever happens.


and then i realize, what if ever doesn't leave? what if he refuses this agreement? decides to stay? then i'm homeless? what if i go to court, and the woman judge says he can stay and i can pay and fuck off?

it's hard to think positive when i have no control over this.

is principal really more important to me? obviously it is. because this could all be in my past today. and it's not. because even lawyer agreed that his demand was outrageous.

and now he'll wait three more days and expect a weekend miracle.

i don't want to go to court on monday. really, truly. a year after we split. i just can't deal.

i could have caved. and he could have signed. but i didn't. because i'd rather make a point, and be right, and not give him any more money than he is already getting out of me.


it makes me so angry. it makes me so sad.

and now i don't know what will happen. because i made a point, instead of giving into outrageous demands.


it doesn't really help to know that i did the right thing. because now it will be dragged on further.

and that means that i get dragged along.

and i am not up for this ride.


i think part of this is just winter shit. i get sad every winter. and even though no valentine's day could ever be as bad as last year, i'm sad to be alone. even though it was a goal i fought hard for.

when i was working on my profile the other night, for the dating site, i realized how little i have to say about myself. and how, when you're writing specifically for boys to read, and think, 'hey, that girl is interesting', you draw a blank.

it's like i forgot my favorite food. my favorite bands. everything.

i feel like i read enough about other people to think that they were interesting, but that everything i want to say is cheesy. and don't want to come off long-winded and self-absorbed, because i am neither.

so it's funny to try to advertise yourself to a select group of boys. what to say? what to leave out? which three pictures to use?

the best question yet, what screen name to pick? i loved that someone was offlinepk. because it's a pinback song and they're my favorite band. too bad he wasn't my type.


if only this divorce was over so that i could start this online dating thing. even if insanity ensues, it will be something to think about other than the sadness i feel when everything around me becomes quiet.