the big cry. may 23rd.

i knew it was coming for a while now. i've said it to anyone who has been around me.

i have been holding back a cry, against my own wishes, for a couple weeks. i wanted to cry. i tried watching movies that i thought would bring it out of me, but it didn't work.

but, boy, did i get it out of my system today.

as it turns out, greg emailed me at work. after last night, i was feeling very skeptical, very unsure of myself. it was like i expected him to leave and never speak to me again, because of the very short lived pavlovian conditioning i've recently been subjected to.

i'd made this cute test for him, mostly about food. because everything else is the same, i thought he'd love it. and he did. he took it very seriously, turning all the multiple choice questions and true falses into long answers.

and then sent a lovely note after that, talking about the time we spent together.

the test was awesome. we brought up a lot of the same stuff, of course. but he put so much time into it that i was wickedly happy.

and then i got to the end. i guess it was around 11 this morning. and i'd had a busy morning. i had fielded the questions all morning, 'how was your weekend?' and 'did you have a good weekend?'

to which i toned down what i wanted to say, and instead said 'it was fantastic' and 'i had a great weekend'.

and then read what he wrote. and he talked about how wonderful the weekend was. how he didn't care that it was shitty out, that he was in a fantastic mood, thanks to me.

and one of my questions was 'what's your perfect day?' i told him to include details, time of year and weather and everything.

and he talked about his perfect day. and then finished it off, with saying that the most recent perfect day involved the end of the world, perfect weather, beer fest, finally meeting up with an amazing girl, and ending with watching tv lazily in bed on a sunday morning.

i almost fell out of my CHAIR.

and then wrapped up with a paragraph, saying that he couldn't have had a better weekend, that alice was right saying how awesome i am (i love you, alice!) and that he's going to be in a good mood for a while. and that he can't wait to see me.

and the last line?

smitten and enamored.

the thing was, in one of our emails, i asked him about words that he overuses. and i said that two of my favorite words are smitten and enamored. and when he responded, he said that he also loves those words, because they sound like what they are.

and when he regurgitated my two favorite words back to me, about me, as a closing statement, i literally had to look away from it, shaking my head.

and my eyes welled up. and i took off my glasses. and i started to cry.

so hard, that i put up my 'be right back' sign, and went to the bathroom.

i sat in a stall, sitting on a toilet crying my fucking eyes out, smiling and laughing and CRYING. it was shock and disbelief and relief and happiness all into one.

and i pulled it together and lost it again, three times. and finally, i calmed myself down, and went back into the store with bloodshot eyes.

and then had two hours to respond to him in kind, and then close shop.

i swear... i blinked today and it was 11. and i blinked again and it was 2. and then it was 4. and i had my shrink appointment.

and i had heavier background stuff to talk about, but knew i wanted to get into greg for the most part.

and we did. and i talked about how i spent the last few months getting my feet wet. that i felt like i needed to get something out of my system. take my body back and use it for strictly carnal purposes. how i was having fun, but not having an emotional attachment.

i talked about how greg happened over the past few months.

there was just something about him, that i saw when i saw him. i needed to find him.

and then talked about our date and our night. and our subsequent day, and when i said that i had never had something happen like this before (and not because i was being overly dramatic), i started crying. took my glasses off, and cried while i talked to her about why. explaining what i meant. cried and cried.

i have operated, for the most part, in relationships where my love was unrequited. coffee, the sun, and so on. and the rest were all fixer uppers. boys who had my love, but who i wasn't in love with, who became something like a project for me. boys that i had no business being with, who i always found my way to.

and the boys that were the unrequited ones? they were friends first. friends who i tried to weasel my way into a relationship with. and coffee was the closest thing that i had to a boy like greg, but it was just a game, and nothing real.

and since i left ever, i have gotten to be pretty good, i think, at physical encounters with boys that i respect a great deal, or enough, to have sex with. but who i have no interest in being with, in an emotional or committed relationship.

and when i told her i took down my dating site profile, she was surprised. but when i explained to her why, she got it.

and she agreed with what my parents said when i told them 'i met a boy.' and explained how scary it is and how crazy it is and how special it is. mom said, 'you're scared because you met someone that you can see yourself being with.'

because i have attempted to brainwash myself into thinking that i don't need or want anyone around. that i don't want a boyfriend. that i don't want to be anyone's girlfriend. that i want to have fun and be free and have a lot of sex with a lot of different people, until i find what works for me.

but at the end of that small pile of boys that i burned through in rapid succession? it wasn't as fun and fulfilling as it seemed in hindsight. because of the lack of emotional connection, the physical connection existed. but what i needed to get off wasn't there. and i kept thinking and saying, 'it will happen the next time'.

and while i haven't yet broken the jinx that ever cast upon me, i feel like it might actually be possible this time.

because there was something so super special happening on saturday into sunday. and part of me wants to put words on it. but out of fear, mostly, i refuse to.

smitten was a big step for me. and everything else after that? it's just too soon. one jinx is more than enough.

but there are so many connections, the two of us struggle to keep up with them all. our brains work the same way, in rants and tangents, and we bounce around off of ourselves, and off of each other, and it's this crazy circle. and having someone on the other end of this, who is feeling the things i'm feeling and thinking the things i'm saying is completely overwhelming to me.

i've never had something that felt like this that i didn't have to work for. and in light of all of my selfishness before right now, i told aubree yesterday that i don't feel like i deserve to have something that seems this amazingly good.

yeah, i know i did my time. yeah, i know i felt deprived. i DID. i WAS.

i have always put boys on pedastals that they don't deserve to be on. and i thought that by paying attention to it, and telling shrink about it (i explained this to her today), that i could keep myself from doing it again. but that's what i've been doing this whole time.

not that i want to run away with any of the boys of the last two months. and not that i want to be with any of them, or think they're the best thing since sliced bread. i managed to keep it in check, to pat myself on the back. i managed to not overdo it. i didn't drown in any of it. i tread cautiously, as i should have.

but just being with them was putting them on a pedestal. and just trying to hang with them more than once was some variation of that.

and i got it both right and wrong with matthew. there was a physical connection. but i thought he'd be boyfriend material with time. because i thought that, if i was with him for months without it, i'd care about him as a person.

and maybe it's the thing about meeting the person you want to be with that brought it to my attention. but i would have been going about it all wrong. and kindof cashing in on his desire to be someone's boyfriend. it wouldn't have been fair to him.

and i think what makes this feel so intense for me is that i'm breaking all of my own rules and crossing all of my arbitrary lines for the right reasons.

or as shrink so succinctly put it: tea, there are no but's with this one.

and yeah, it's very very early. i told her that i'd just gotten the email literally a few hours before sitting in front of her, which is part of the reason why i was so overwhelmed by it in her office.

but both my parents and shrink agree... he doesn't have any red flags. he doesn't have anything that he does that bugs me or sits wrong with me. nothing that concerns me in the least.

he loves his parents. we talk about our grandparents. he has an awesome job that he loves, drives a nice car, owns his own house. he paid for everything on saturday, which isn't important to me, but which is also something that is an indication of what i messed up for so long. because i am drawn to guys who like having me as their sugar mama. but i'm not even that sweet.

he's a MAN by society's standards. but to me, he is just this BOY. who i am really afraid of.

he's this boy that gets me like i've never been gotten before. all the other times, it was all in my head, and even i know that. everyone who has ever known me knows that.

and the fact that this is REAL? completely overwhelming.
the fact that this is requited? completely overwhelming.
the fact that he said it first, but i felt it at the same time? COMPLETELY OVERWHELMING.

i write about opening my mouth and watching the boys run. and i write about being so convinced of feelings being shared, only to find out later that it wasn't like that at all. i write about misreading things that are said all the time.

but this is different, and it's not really sinking in. because i am trained, slightly, in a way, to know that it's not shared. it can't possibly be. i don't DO this. i don't ever get it right. i don't give my heart to a boy who deserves it. certainly not one who has ever earned it. i end up heartbroken. that is what i do.

not this. this can't be for me. it can't be my life.

and i wrote him back after crying and getting all of that out of my system. and i wrote him back with enough me too's to sink a ship.

and went off what he said a bit. and added a little.

and i told him that it's probably good that he is busy, because i can pace myself and not make him burnt out on me.

but i don't want to pace myself. i just want this feeling to last. and i want it pretty much all of the time. and i don't know if that is because it feels so incredible, or if i'm just afraid it's fleeting.

and nina's recommendation of the radiolab 'this is your brain on love' podcast was well timed. and i listened to it after we had a discussion about it, where i didn't know what the science was, but managed to have most of my questions answered. you should stop what you're doing and listen to it.

i was driving home from the shrink today, and had the thought, 'it's like seeing your life flash before your eyes.' and i started crying.

that, and just realizing that my skin is tingling. and my heart is racing.

and when i started this, it was around ten. and i said to nina, 'he's at soccer. he's probably getting home around now. in fact, he's probably reading my email right now.'

and in it, i told him to abuse my number if he wants to.

and not even five minutes after discussing with her whether i should expect to hear something from him tonight, a text, a call, whatever, and after i tried to talk myself into thinking i wouldn't to avoid some crazy disappointment?

he texted me. 'are you awake? is it too late to call you?'

and i felt bad for abandoning nina, because we had just sat down to chat, but took his call.

and just came back to finish this. three hours later.

we talked. for three hours. and it was only ended because he has to get up in the morning. i am pretty much convinced that, if you put the two of us in a room and didn't let us out until we ran out of things to talk about, there would not only be no lag time between lines of conversation, there would be no gap in talking.

and at this point, so early on, i am totally convinced that it would be a very long time, indefinitely even, until one of us came out of that room.

and when he asked, if the camping trip does get shortened like i think it will, in light of the rain, if we could hang out when he's back from the beach on sunday night into memorial day? i said yes.

and when he said that sounds kinda far away, and would i like to get food between now and then? yes, please.

i said that my weeks are usually kinda busy, plans with friends and everything. but that this week is suspiciously quiet, and that i happen to have no plans this week, at all. and said to let me know when he wants to do something, because i am down.

and he said he tore his house apart last night when he got home after leaving here (and laughed at himself, at what it meant to say that to me), looking for the standing room only ticket to the game tomorrow, so he could take me with him. and can't find it anywhere. and that it's driving him crazy and that he is really sorry about it. i was just glad that he wanted to take me to bobblehead night.

i feel like a bobblehead. trying not to drown, quite honestly.

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