post number four hundred and twenty. unbelievable...
today brought only one crying bit. listening to ben harper, in the car.
the thing is, i talked to nina about the question i posed her.
and just like i am trained very well in my own inner workings, she is more well versed than any other human on this planet in what i do, and how i do it. she knows my heart better than anyone else. she knows the way my brain works.
she has seen me break my own heart more times than i have fingers and toes.
so she is my thermostat. she is my gauge. and when i know that i am getting into the deep end of a pool, she is my lifeguard, waiting and ready to throw a life preserver to me when i can't seem to find my way up for air. when i am drowning. when i need help and can no longer find the strength to help myself.
and alice... if you are reading this... do not breathe a word of it, please...
a few things were tossed my way today. after my talk with nina, where she had to say some things that i didn't want to hear, but took with an open mind and open ears, i listened. and she did sort me out, in a way.
i wanted to surprise greg with lunch today. i had a rough night last night, for a few hours, because i had really hoped that he would want to come by after work, even if it was only for dinner or a quick visit.
i had no reason at all to think that he would want to do that. he said nothing about it, except a mention earlier in the week that he would like to have dinner one night, because sunday was too far away.
and because i am quickly learning all of his extracurriculars, i was mostly certain that last night would have been the only chance we had to make that happen.
so when he didn't write or text or call, my hopes were dashed.
and i found myself sitting, waiting, yet again, for a boy. a boy that i really wanted to see. who had said a lot that he really wanted to see me, too. and i did what i do in these instances: i caught my tan, shaved, showered, lotioned up, and put on a dress.
i was ready, in case he should happen to come through.
and i sat on the deck, lost in my daze, and waited, trying so hard not to be waiting. not to be hoping.
and i didn't cry, which was an improvement, because old tea would have lost her shit.
because i knew that, if he could have, he would have. but he didn't.
and when he got home, he sent a note that said he was too tired to be any good at conversation, but that he was sorry and would call and email me today.
and that did make it better. and i settled in to watch the office, which i'd fallen behind on.
and two episodes in, saw the single saddest office episode i have ever seen in my six or seven years of watching the office.
when jim realized that michael was leaving, i cried. and when jim called him into his office, i fucking lost it. and when jim cried? i was crying so hard it was audible.
and when michael cried, i cried harder. and when pam showed up, i cried harder still.
i love that shows like that can have an effect on me. i've watched the show and own five seasons on dvd. it is probably my favorite, based on that alone.
and it ripped my fucking heart out.
and luckily i watched another episode after that, one that was light and hilarious and amazing. because it was looking pretty rough there for a minute...
but i got that huge cry out of the way. which is all i feel like i am doing anymore. but it was a different sentiment then. a sad cry. a heartbroken cry. it was my vessel for what i'd just been feeling and getting over for a few hours.
so today, when nina called, noticing my old habits, and telling me to be cautious still, only for the lack of a read of him, i got it. i knew it. i checked in with her specifically for it.
it was awesome. it took me down a notch, which i needed.
i'd just left the dmv. i'd just gotten my new license. not a big deal for many people.
but for me? it meant that i was back to my maiden name. i'd finally made the time to get the id that makes me officially who i have been since february. i wish i'd done it before, but i just couldn't. i wouldn't. maybe it was honestly because i wasn't ready to. because of what it all meant. maybe i thought i couldn't handle it. maybe i don't want to have to practice my new old signature. one that i haven't signed since 2003.
i don't know why. but i finally did it. and i was on top of the world when i talked to her.
and then i got to work. and i screwed myself out of the possibility of a lunch by misreading the time of the meeting i had scheduled for today, my only time constrained work responsibility before i have a five day weekend, coffee free.
and i got to work, thinking about what nina had said, but still having all the same thoughts and feelings anyway. knowing that the bits that are missing from what she knows are the ones that are making me feel this way, but not being able to express them really. and that being so afraid for myself, i took her advice. and tried to slow my brain down.
but when i got there, i sent him the email i'd written last night. and after i sent it, i checked my email to find that he'd sent one to me at the same time.
and among other things, this is what he said to me...
that he noticed last night that we look really good together, in the three pictures i took of us last weekend. natural.
that he can't wait to see me sunday. that's it's weird to see someone one time and immediately miss them.
that he was busy but wanted to get something to me. not because he has to, but because he wanted to.
and that he feels like he is just killing time until sunday. because his plans until then are awesome, but lower in excitement.
and that it was 11, and if no one had told me yet today that i was awesome, and if they hadn't there's something wrong with the world. and if they have? i should hear it again.
THIS is the boy i have fallen for.
and i left from there to cut all of my hair off. it was the way i started my best summer of my life so far. dumping my high school into college boyfriend, and learning who i was. the summer nina and i were attached at the hip. the summer i was the happiest and free-est i had ever been. the summer i met coffee. the summer that changed the course of the rest of my life.
shedding that last name made the haircut happening today mandatory. i'd wanted to get it last weekend. and found the picture i wanted to use to express what i wanted. and was supposed to call on monday for tuesday, and tuesday for tuesday. and tuesday for wednesday. but didn't.
and how retardedly excited was i when i had a couple hours to kill on campus, and the hair school had an opening for me? and how scared was i walking there, shaking with anxiety about chopping it off? how funny is it that i had a panic attack proper, and popped an ativan in the waiting area?
pretty excited. pretty scared. pretty funny.
but i did it. and kept the hair for a charity to be determined.
and as she cut it from that point, i was scared. i have had so many bad haircuts that just won't do what i want them to do. i was terrified that it would be bad, that the only boy i want to have like it wouldn't. and that it would be some sort of a weekend where i come to terms with wearing a hat for a few months.
but the shins came on in the waiting room. new slang. and goddamn if i didn't know that it was supposed to happen today. that time. this way. right now.
and when i left? i felt like a million bucks. i was covered in hair. and i swear they never style it right. but i walked back to work knowing i'd fix it in the bathroom and be really happy with it.
and i did. and i was.
and i got back to work, and re-read his email with pam and kim. saying, 'see? SEE?' this is the boy i am in love with.
that was the first time i said it. i might have been high on salon fumes. in fact, i'm certain i was or i wouldn't have said it then. even though i've been thinking it since sunday when he left my room.
and nina stopped to tell me that i was right about my feelings for this boy. and that i should take him lunch. but it was already too late, my day had been ruined by that stupid waste of a meeting.
and i wrote him back.
and when i got home and showered and cleaned myself up, i took a bunch of pictures of my new haircut. and i texted him to ask if he wanted to see, so i didn't scare him or shock him on sunday.
and he said, 'yes!!!'
and i sent it. and waiting. and got nervous and waited.
and his response was that it was adorable. and that he wanted to make out with me right then.
too bad he was working, and a state away. but he said he absolutely loves it and that i pull it off.
and since i posted it, about fifteen other people have commented similarly. it goes back to my man complex. i'm so afraid of short hair equating butch and boy that it scares me every time.
so i did what i do: put on makeup, put on a dress, and lip stain. and practiced rocking it.
and we talked for two hours. and when we hung up, he texted me to say that he has a huge crush on me. and that someone has fallen quite hard for me.
while i was at the grocery store. buying camping supplies.
the next couple posts will be about dark sky park, part three. i can't wait to be there tomorrow, even though it's supposed to be a washout.
had we gone tonight, as planned, we'd have been under tornado watches and hail. i'm glad that didn't work out. instead i'm here, writing this. unable to sleep at two am.
and when he said that, if we come back early, after camping in the rain and facing another washout, that i should just come over.
we'd have two full days of being alone together in his house. my brain and heart cannot comprehend that right now. but it is the only thing that isn't making me cry sad tears about the possibility that this will be a starless weekend after waiting a whole year to have stars in my eyes again.
i don't know. i can't explain it. which is mostly why it feels like it is exactly what it is.
i am in love. and i am assuming it will come up this weekend, because he's talked a complete circle all the way around it. and i'll try to move slowly. and take my time and not lose my head.
but my heart is too far gone now.
i cannot wait to have time with him, alone, out in the suburbs, where clothing is optional, and the plans are many. where we get to play house, and do things on our list, and lay around and talk. cook for each other, get sun on the deck together, and do yardwork. it sounds too good to be true.
i cannot say that i will try too hard to come up for air.
i really just don't even want to anymore...
we've got a girl down, ladies. and she doesn't want to be saved anymore.
going into this, i know my heart will get broken. and it's only because i can't see him as much as i want to. but all i can do is hope for the time that we get to be as amazing as the time that we have had so far.
more of that.
i just want a lot more of that.
and i'm setting off, off the grid, to find my way through the milky way to get back to it. full of stories and music and awesome time connecting with aubree, and reconnecting with kit. too much fun for one little weekend.
the next four days are going to break me clear in two.
and if you doubt this, in one of my i-probably-shouldn't-have-admitted-that-on-the-interwebs moments, i cleared my mind three times today, thinking about him. twice in one short hour. and i don't doubt that i'll do it twice more between now and tomorrow morning.
this is what i've been waiting for. the boy who has it all. and the one who will have more than 24 hours to try to break the seven year jinx.
i'm not coming home until he does.
i have a bag packed for that half of my weekend. and boy would it suck to have that bag found. someone would really wonder just what i was up to.
the bag for dark sky is equally awesome, but in a completely different way. i have three national geographic magazines i haven't cracked yet. a book i bought with nate weeks ago that i haven't opened yet. and my pens and sketchbook.
i'm grabbing a new paper journal tomorrow. because the old one is filled enough, and i am thinking that this is the exact moment in time to start on blank pages.
i have a lot to do between now and noon tomorrow. and i am wired awake. on like six different highs. falling from this height would probably kill me, and my parachute has been sitting so long unused that it's probably been eaten by moths.
with a flooded heart, and a swampy brain, i'm hoping for the best here.
crossing my heart like the good catholic i am not. saying a tiny prayer to a god i don't believe in.
just trying to land on the ground on my own two feet.
i'm a free woman.
i'm a new girl.
i am who i was. in every way.
i've waited a long time for this. for the boy. for the milky way. for andromeda. for SATURN.
i'm all packed up and ready, with only two things standing between me and what might possibly be the best weekend of my life to date. getting the deed transferred into my name first thing in the morning, and picking up my two hetero sweethearts after grabbing the last of the supplies on my way out of the big city.
to the hinterlands... and beyond!