after three days straight of having random tearful weepy crying fits, i think i am starting to understand what is happening to me.
sometime between last night and this morning, it started to filter down, through all of these pools of emotion that i can't seem to think around. or breathe around. or just exist in, while attempting to tread.
after triple cryfest on monday, i drove home and got settled in there.
and i woke up tuesday morning, and drove in to work, making three wrong turns on the way to my store.
and i don't know what set me off, i think it was some nostalgic moment listening to that dog. or weezer or something, driving to delaware. but i was smiling, and singing at the top of my lungs, which is nothing new. but i was thinking about how fucking HAPPY i am, and how lucky i feel, and how i just can't believe that this is happening in my life, that it's happening right now, and how insane it is in every possible way.
i have literally been shaking my head for days. i'll get lost in thought, and come out of it because i was shaking my head about the things i've been thinking.
so there i was, driving and singing. and my phone dinged. and i looked down, and saw his name on the screen, and burst into tears, laugh crying again.
and thought, 'okay, tea. this is getting to be fucking RIDICULOUS. stop crying. there is NOTHING to cry about. pull it together.'
but thinking it made me cry some more. and it must have looked funny to anyone on the highway with me, because my smile was hurting my face, ear to ear. but my eyes were dropping so many tears. and i was driving, contemplating pulling over, because everything was blurry and seemed kindof dangerous.
so i drove to the office. after filling my trunk with beer and cigarettes. and went about my work for a few hours, actually. i emailed him back while we had simultaneous lunches. from what we'd talked about when we sat on the phone for THREE HOURS monday night, and then still had emails going back and forth that morning, he'd said something about wanting to do things with me. like, a nod in the direction of '...and then we'll do this together, and then we'll do that together...'
and i'd already thought it, but i really debated at that point in my drive: do i ask him to go on my west coast adventure with me? we have talked about it enough from afar. he is jealous and all of that of the trip. but holy shit, am i just doing what i do every fucking time? is he about to run away?
and i had belly flips and all of that. which is another part of what it is that is making me cry. but managed to eat lunch. and when i wrote him back, i felt good enough reading what he wrote that i went for it. and i prepped it as best i could, trying to make it sound like not a big deal. but i was scared. i was freaking out. and the only reason that i did it was because i wanted him to have a heads up, for work. it's going to be hard for him to get any time off at all i think, and if i have any hope of doing that trip with him, i wanted him to know that it was an inkling of a thought now.
i am so fucking conditioned. i'm TRAINED. i'm trained and condition to mention things to boys i am smitten with and fall on my face. or it falls flat. or they don't give a shit. or they run away. or they give me reasons why they don't want to be involved with any of it.
and not only is he excited when i say pretty much anything to him, he hits back harder. my feeble little brain cannot handle it, because it's 33 years of doing shit the hard way. of liking the wrong boys and making all the wrong moves and putting all my heart and effort and energy into the wrong thing. 33 years of giving my heart to maybe 20 boys who never deserved it.
and the closest thing i had to a feeling like this? it fucked me up for 13 years. i don't want another 'one that got away'. i don't want another 13 years of that kindof torment. heartache. pain. crying in the bad way. really feeling like i would never love again. like i never should. and building some crazy wall around myself so that i don't ever have to feel that way again.
so my brain kinda goes... 'oh. wait. what? does not compute. is accustomed to crying. cry. heartbreak? crying. rejection? wait. what? HAPPY? SMITTEN??? REQUITED????? does not compute.'
i am really trying to think about things objectively and i just CAN'T. and instead of being able to definitively say 'i have never been in love before', i really can't.
it's all perspective anyway, right? i mean, beating a dead horse. i thought i was in love with coffee. but it was not okay, it was not reciprocated, and i know how dumb it was, but he just had an effect on me. and i think i thought i was in love with the sun. but again, one way street. it just wasn't the real thing. and i certainly didn't feel like that toward ever.
the difference back then is that i forced fucking EVERYTHING with coffee. he'd say he liked something, mention it in passing, forget about it, and i'd show up the next day with that thing in my hands, as a gift for him. i'd jump through 18 hoops to make something happen, and wreck it, instead of just going with the flow and not doing anything irrational or radical. i instigated. every goddamned time.
and now that this thing is happening with greg, and playing out in a way that kinda looks like a tape in a vcr on 4xff, my short circuited brain can't understand that things just are. that they can just BE. that everything just is. it doesn't have to come up with all 17 ways to get through the 18 hoops. it doesn't have to figure out every possible outcome and every possible option to make something that has no business happening happen.
so i think it makes me cry.
yesterday, i got to work. and managed to get everything done before one of the people there asked what was new in my little dating world.
it's funny. sally and michelle love hearing my stories, they're older, and think it is so funny, the things i do and what i get into. so they were expecting some random dating stories, and when sally asked me how things have been the last few weeks, my face lit up. and michelle saw my smile and knew something was going on that wasn't what had been going on before this visit.
and she said, 'oh my god...' all drawn out and dramatic like.
and i said, 'i can't talk about it. because i don't want to cry.'
so then they made this little captive audience, bringing terry into the circle, who is the honey badger guy. and he was as giggly as they were, and michelle made a comment that they all live through me (two of them are married, one is widowed and just dumped her boyfriend).
and i said, 'i met someone.'
and my chin wobbled. and i said, 'i don't want to talk about it, because i get all choked up and have been crying about it for like two days now.'
and they gave me a hard time, like, you can't just say something like that and leave us hanging. and terry was going off about how cute it was that i was so emotional over it.
and when i said, 'i know it's crazy. but i met him. and i think he might be the reason i am here.'
and i fucking lost it. giggle crying, but crying. and they were all laughing and oh-my-god'ding it and saying how sweet and cute it is. and then saw the pic of us from the night we hung out and went on and on about how cute he is, and echoed everyone else's 'he has a job? and a car? AND a house??' line.
and i was wrapping up at that point. i had literally left that for last because i knew i wouldn't get any work done after that or be able to focus at all after that, and i packed up all teary eyed and left to come back to the city.
because i read the email response that told me not to be scared to say anything to him. that he likes me a lot and his brain is going through all the things he wants to do with me, too. and that he hopes he can work it out with work.
and i fucking LOST IT.
and i guess it was on my way home from the office that it started to make a little sense.
this is what i have so far:
i'd been alone for over a year. ever did such a number on me that i really truly honestly had ZERO interest in being someone's girlfriend, partner, anything monogamous ever again.
i'd get frustrated and upset (and probably roll my eyes) when people at suck store and in my family said, 'you'll find someone else... don't worry.' because when you say you are getting a divorce, that is what comes out of their mouth. it's hardwired into people's brains or something. not mine. mine says, 'congratulations' out of habit, even when it isn't appropriate.
the whole thing was, i wanted to have a lot of sex, because i felt like i was making up for a lot of lost time. but i didn't want someone else in my life every day.
and because the stupid boys i was meeting weren't anything deserving, it was easy to keep saying i didn't want someone. because i didn't want THEM.
and i didn't want to be tied down. or have a boyfriend. or have kids in the next five years, much less, maybe never. i never want to be married again.
i believed all of these things, and really had myself convinced of them.
until almost week ago. really? undeniably? until sunday afternoon.
my stomach is sick right now, and my eyes are stinging a little, fighting yet another cry.
i woke up this morning and read the email he sent when i was sleeping, and cried in the shower. that was probably from being tired, amplifying everything else.
but i think my brain is making me cry so much? because it knows that i was WRONG.
i was wrong about all of it. and the thought that i was wrong and that i'm really not prepared for this is making me cry again. right now. writing this out...
when i said that i saw my life flash before my eyes the other day, i was being kindof literal. i saw us. i saw us doing all the things that we have talked about in rapid succession.
i saw us years from now. the thought of having a kid someday doesn't make me want to throw up. or jump off a cliff. the thought of having another marriage doesn't make me want to slit my wrists or run away.
and i probably shouldn't be putting it in writing now. but i am, because maybe i will stop crying once i admit it.
i think this is what it feels like to fall. in that l-word. it's so too soon. the thought of it makes me feel like i'm going to throw up. that word. i mean, i love a lot of people and i tell people i love them all the time. but this is different. this has the word 'in' in front of it.
fuck that shit. oh, it's not okay. it's been a week. it's hollywood. i've been telling myself how completely overrated it is for several years now. that it won't last. that it is scientifically impossible.
that the psychic at the beach that night with kit was right: i will only have one true love. and from then until now? i thought that was a coffee reference.
and now i am not so sure. and now i am TERRIFIED. i am scared. i am excited. i am happy. i cannot stop smiling. and? i cannot stop bursting into random tears.
i am so afraid of feeling something this intense with anyone ever again, because all i have ever known is the downside to it. the awful heartbreak that gave me the best things i've ever written. it's just too scary. and i have been telling myself that i'll take the easy way for a while. fuck dudes and not get attached. because feeling nothing is so much better than feeling too much. especially when it's midirected.
there's no bunny slope for this. i mean, he is the slope itself.
and here i am, careening down this steep hill into something below that i cannot see, because i'm going too fast. i cannot pull a sonny bono here. i can't just happen to not see the one tree on the slope that is going to put me out of my misery when i crash into it.
but holy shit! i'm flying down this hill, and i'm not chasing him down it, and he's not lagging a million miles behind me, unable to keep up with me.
he's holding my goddamned hand! and we're racing down together at the same speed, i'm nearly positive of it. and yeah, maybe the figurative ski trip was my idea. but he inspired it. and he encouraged me to talk about my ideas. and when i suggested the figurative ski trip, he packed the bags and drove us to the airport.
it is so crazy. and i know that none of you can really get it, because i've been spending all of my time reading and writing to him, instead of here. but nina has read the emails between us.
nina. am i right here? i'm not going crazy, right? i'm not making this up? it's not another coffee or any other boy you've seen me interact with?
and other than that, alice would have some perspective, because she has known him for half of her life, all of her adult life.
yeah. so i can't say what i'm thinking. because putting words on anything jinxes it. maybe next week. maybe tonight. maybe three years from now, i'll say it. but not today.
and maybe all the crying is just relief. like the way i sobbed when aubree's brain turned out to be okay.
because this is going to be okay. if i think about how it could all go wrong, i'll freak the fuck out. but i don't have to. i know... enjoy the ride. i know... don't rush. i know... stop thinking.
i've got this. now all i have to do is figure out how to approach the subject with him, because the last thing i want to do is cry on him without warning.
i hope that doesn't happen. ugh...
but in closing, i just want to write that when we spent hours on sunday morning in bed watching the office together, it felt a bit like being hit over the head with a frying pan:
i have found the jim to my pam.
and i am in some kind of trouble.