dilate. june 30th.

i have had this song stuck in my head for over 24 hours now. it was the noise that wouldn't let me sleep in silence last night.

'you always disappoint me.'

'i just want you to live up to the image of you i create.'

'you've left me with nothing, but i've worked with less.'

'forgetting defines me.'

'i don't use words like 'love', words like that don't matter.'

'i wake up in the night... my hands grope for my head.'

'and i know that i'm better, i'm better off alone.'


there are SO MANY amazing lines in that song.


last night, aubree and i got into my bed at 930 to watch dexter together. after one episode, we were talking. and i was so grateful that she was cracking me up, because i was on the verge of tears yet again.

because yesterday, i spent most of the day talking myself out of being patient. for the millionth time, i told myself i'm giving up on him.

and then he said he didn't forget me, and that he'd written me, and would send it when he got to his room. and in the jinx of doom, bragging to three people meant that there was no email. and still isn't.


because he forgets me. i can only assume it's easy for him.

and laying in bed last night, wide awake after 11 and knowing i was up at 545 today, hating the heady insomnia, i got out of bed and wrote a three page letter i'll never send.

because that is what i do when i'm in the situation i'm in right now.

i write a letter that says everything i'll never have the courage to say. and what makes it so great is knowing that it will never be sent. because that's when the truth comes out.

maybe someday i'll have the courage to admit to the underlying themes. but never in those words. and when i stopped writing, mostly because i felt like i was done with it and had ended it appropriately, i got back into bed. but sleep still alluded me for a while longer.

i'm tired today. weary. and most likely, weepy in the coming hours.


i'm finally frustrated enough to think that i have the balls to say, in response to whatever comes next, if anything comes next, 'call me when you're on your way to see me.'

because i don't believe that he actually will.


kit told me yesterday that i could be the next sugar (from rumpus). and i had no idea what she was talking about. so i looked her up. she calls everyone sweet pea. which is a nickname my mom overuses. and i only read three columns, but kit was right. they did strike a chord in me.

sugar left her husband, too. and sugar found love again that changed her mind, too.

beyond that, there's another post that mirrors things i've written in paper journal, but not here, about one of the bigger mistakes i've made in my life, during the months of march and april.


something else happened last night, which was part of what aubree and i were cracking up about. today is the day that shaun is supposed to be out of my house. and as of last night, when he had pizza delivered, not a single thing had been packed or removed from his room.

i'd drawn up that promissory note, so i put it under his door before i went to bed. and within seconds, had a text on my phone saying, 'where r u? we need to talk bc u a dreaming if you think i'm gonna sing this thing.'

i made the 'one second' sign to aubree, who was talking to mom, and walked to his door and knocked and said 'i'm here'.

he opened his door, saying there is no way i'm getting money from him in july. i should point out that, at this point, he owes me $770. the payments i wrote up were for three months, july/august/september. about $289 a month. for money he owed me on the first of this month. and he said, as if i was supposed to understand it, 'that's more than a whole paycheck!'

yeah. well, it's more than a month of money, so it SHOULD be more than one check. and then told me he fucked someone the night before to get $100. why he thinks that this is okay to tell me, i will NEVER understand. i think i shook my head, too dumb for words.

i said, 'are you disputing that you owe me any of this money?'

and he said no.

so i said, 'i have been beyond cool to you up to this point. i haven't taken a PENNY from you this month. so you shouldn't talk to me that way, and you are in no place to be rude to me.'

and he said he's selling off his stuff today. great. i was worried all day that there would be strange people in my house, traipsing in and out while no one else was home, except broke roommate.

but when i got home, and his room looked exactly as it did last night, i wasn't worried anymore. turns out planning to sell everything, and actually having people show up to buy it, are two different things.


and now? he's getting his things out of the kitchen. forward progress. hurray.


but the other thing we were laughing about last night was aubree's metaphor for my other situation.

she said, 'i don't get it. i just don't understand!' which is what i spend all day every day thinking.

and said, 'it's like he's fishing. and you're on his line. so he tugs at you, to set the hook. and then he's got you. and he stops reeling you in. kinda lets you swim around a little. and then he realizes you're swimming toward him, so he reels you in more, saying 'man! this is easy!' and then lets you stay there again for a while. and slowly reels you in, or doesn't. and when you stop moving, he'll give you a little tug, just to make sure the hook is still set.'

it's perfect, actually. because it's true. it doesn't, however, make it any easier to understand.


and now it's thursday. and for some stupid fucking reason, i'm STILL holding out hope for weekend plans. but there is absolutely NO reason to believe that at all.

maybe today is the day when i say it and mean it: i need to be done.


the ring comes out today. so there's that.

and the patch is in my underwear drawer, and i have a week to decide if i even fuck with it, or just hang onto it for someday when i need birth control again. i'm telling myself that it will be two months before i go back to hormones, if then.

because if something crazy happens, and he bucks up, i need a month of feeling like i want to subject myself to that again before putting myself through it. i cannot believe that i went through all of that to have sex ONE TIME.

what. a. travesty.


in other news, kim and pam are now food safe, and that is the biggest stress relief to me. i'm so glad i sent them together, because i know they had the most fun possible in that shitty class. and because now i'm technically covered. hooray.


and i spent at least an hour last night talking to nina about our vacation. part of it was spent frustrated, getting kicked offline. and then it dawned on me: CALL HER.

and we spent time giggling, and organizing our collective vacation. and it felt great. we are both more excited now than ever. and i can't wait for it to be here.


having days that will be spent having lunch, laying by a pool in the sun, and biking around the city is going to be fantastic. i love having an excuse to go out and do things. it's going to serve as a healing distraction for me, too. there won't be time to lay around and cry and feel sorry for myself when i'm on vacation from work for a week with my best friend.

it's now just over a week away. and that is the best news i have today.

well, that, and the fact that shaun is packing the kitchen up, so he is going to keep to his word that he will be out.


now if i can just figure out how to change the locks. again. groan.

the bitches of being a landlord. of putting my foot down. finally. and not being taken advantage of. of managing my life, and taking back control over a couple of the things that i can take control of.

as for the rest? i'll keep telling myself that i've had enough. whether it's work or my love life.

and i'll do my best to stay true to my word. because isn't that what all of these problems are all about?

it is. they are.

and? i will...