making progress. june 28th.

today i did myself the favor of a half day. for mental health.

and i made great use of it. i wrote out shaun's promissory note. i filled out mike's month to month lease. i went to the social security office to change my name and have a new card mailed to me. i changed my name on my at&t account, my credit card account, and had new cards mailed to me from the credit card company and my bank.

the only thing that is going to make me feel better about the ever stuff is to really finally and truly shed it. to be as far away from anything associated with him as possible. and my ticket out is the conversion of all my legal documents and accounts, so that i am no longer a z, but a v again.

and it felt good to do it.

i cracked the guy up on the phone with the credit card company. i was feeling silly. SILLY, i tell you. and he asked how i was doing and i said, 'great. how are YOU today?' and a few more silly questions. he was laughing a lot. and i realized that i was, too. and when the at& t lady asked me why i was changing my name, 'i said because of a divorce.' and she said, 'oh, i'm sorry to hear that.' and i said, 'i'm not! and you shouldn't be either!' and laughed. and she did, too.

i tend to take that approach with people, because the response is always the same from people who don't know me well enough to congratulate me. catch them off guard, make them laugh. it felt better.

and i don't know about the rest of the stuff i was worrying about yesterday. i woke up in a panic at 5 again today. popped an ativan at 6 again. and didn't go back to sleep again. got up at 730 to get ready for work.

whatever. i got the catering set up, which was bothering me. and when i was done, i left. and handled my business.

it's a holiday week. it's going to drag. monday felt like thursday. today felt like thursday. tomorrow is going to be rough. so is thursday. but when they're over, i'll have a busy half day again on friday. and then it will be a three day weekend.

i didn't get the resolve i craved last night. i did say that i'm trying to be patient. i did say that i want to see him. and he said he missed me and that he felt like he hadn't talked to me in forever, and i said, 'because we haven't talked in forever.'

so many things went well today. it was nice to finally be in a decent mood at work, and to be something resembling happy this afternoon.

i really hope the boy can keep the ball rolling. call me like he said he would. and make plans with me for the near future.

i'm trying not to wait. but i am. i am always waiting. he always keeps me waiting.

in a perfect world, i'd have a few things go my way. kim and i sent wishes back and forth today, in text. the 11's were lining up for both of us, which meant that she was having good feelings about things for me. and i asked her what she wanted. and here's to hoping we get some of them, at least.

you know what i want?

i want quinn's personal day off tomorrow to be used for job interviews.

i want shaun to pack his shit and get the fuck out of my house.

i want lindsey to move in, despite the fact that she's bringing a cat with her.

i want greg to say that he'll be back on thursday, and that i can stay over. because i will be done at my store at 4. and friday's office day would be so much easier from his place. i only want this because i think he'll skip out on asking me to run away with him this weekend.

i want to work a half day on friday. in a perfect world? i wouldn't need thursday or monday with greg, because i'd have friday and saturday with him, at the beach house, for the holiday.

and when he doesn't ask me to go, because it seems a little late in the game for that to happen now, i want him to have me over when he's back. to have memorial day part two. a lazy overnight, spent doing nothing together.

i want it to be this weekend.

i want this week to be over.

i want next week to be over.

and then? i know i'll get what i want. because then it will be vacation. with nina. in phila. and it will be a bucket of smiles and too much fun.

i'm ready. thinking about it today helped change my mood.

it's only 13 days away now.

i need it desperately. it's going to be awesome.

oh. i also changed my prescription today from nuvaring to the patch. dealing with one week of hormones at a time should be more manageable. and if it's not, and greg's still m.i.a., then there will be no more hormones for a very long time for miss tea.

and if it isn't better and he comes through, i'll figure something else out.

i'm just glad i won't go through this again next month. i really couldn't handle it.

video chat with nina last night was rough. i felt like i looked so horrible. and she can't see my unhappy face when i'm talking to her normally, so letting her see me like that was very self-conscious.

tomorrow i'll get this fucking catering behind me. up stupid early at 5 am. disgusting. then to suck store until four. and then home and sleep and up at 545 on thursday to work alone at my store all day, and do end of month. it will be gross. but it's why i could justify a half day. and then friday will be cake. so good.

pleasepleaseplease let me get what i want. i'm not asking for a lot. just a change of pace, really. and a stroke of good luck. for myself, and for quinn. let her get an amazing job offer and quit on me. let there be plans, so i don't feel like there's no time in his life for me. let me have a weekend that isn't spent in bed trying to sleep and drink my life away.

i want a beach weekend in the sun.

to get back to being ME. i liked the me of spring. i need to find that version of me again. before the fall. summer tea sucks. i want her to disappear.

the long daylight hours are bringing me down. waking me up at obscene hours in a panic. at least when i wake up at 5 in the morning, it will be because it's time to get moving... do more. accomplish more. feel better about things. start again.

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