dudermints. june 28th.

so coffee has a new nickname.

as given by aubree and katie.

it's hilarious. they keep saying his name, and i keep referring to him as 'boy who shall remain unnamed'.

i don't know how i'm going to sleep tonight.


i'm as ready as i am going to be.

i went shopping today with mom and aubree. we went to the outlet malls, and i got some sweet ass new clothing to wear. a pair of awesome beach shorts that are plaid patchwork. two pairs of jean shorts, because when i'm not at work, that's what i want to wear and i only had this pair that was ripped and worn and eight sizes too big.

i got this incredible party dress. which i will not be wearing it tomorrow, because it would be a little much. maybe that last night out in town with nina, which i have unofficially invited coffee to. so it could serve as a double play.

something about the guess outlet was drawing me in. i tend to think of things there as being kinda slutty. but i guess if you want to have someone's undivided attention, perhaps this is the route.

i tried on three tops and one mini dress. the dress and one top were strapless and i hated them. the halter was completely see-through in the middle. which would have been cool back in the nineties. it had this marilyn monroe appeal to it. had it not been sheer, i would probably have gone with that.

but then...the pretty black bustier.

not too much. flat panel front, fits me perfectly.

and it has these understated little ruffles at the bottom on the sides.

it is hot.

and when i took it to the register and she told me i had to pay full price, i stared it down. i didn't want to drop $40 for a non-date top.

and mom tried to swipe her card but i fought her. i told her she can't buy hooker clothes for me, that she can stick to the wholesome clothes.

and i stared it down. and thought about all the times something fit me and cost more than i was willing to pay. and thought about all the times that i thought of it afterward, when i didn't have access to it.

so i bought it. aubree told me on the way out that if i'd not bought it, that she was willing to pay half for me to take it home.


so then i knew the outfit.


and now the rest is just waiting.

in any case, we left one set of outlets to go to the other in search of the bra that will put things where they belong in the non-date top i have selected.

and had the lady at victoria's secret fit me for a bra.

because of losing the weight, i'm one of those unlucky souls who loses her boobs right after her ass.

she took me back to freshman year when she told me that i'm a 32a.

i wanted to die.

there's no fucking way.

and i put on a few bras. and for the most part, they confirmed my belief that the lady was full of shit.

but they all had padding. the one that didn't fit perfectly.

are you kidding me?

no wonder my bathing suit isn't fitting right. fml.

so i left without anything, because i needed a strapless bra.

it's the only thing for tomorrow that is left unfinished.

i know how it feels to wear sexy underthings. it's not about wheher he sees it or not. it's how it makes you feel to walk around in it.


i'm so ready.

i mean, i'm scared shitless.

but physically, i'm ready.

my tolerance is up.

i've been playing bananagrams with my mom and aubree for days. scrabble online with everyone as per the usual, but also with coffee.


who i've been beating. who started a game with me today as soon as the other one ended.

and i asked him tonight if i need to bring my travel scrabs or if we're playing on his sexy black board.


i don't know.


it's all i could think about all day, of course.

even last night, swimming with mom and dad and aubree. and then in the hot tub with the three of them.

i just keep thinking of how sweet it would be to sneak him into my back yard.

or to watch heima.

or to kidnap him and drive to the beach at night.

as long as it includes talking to him, i don't really care where we are.


i just can't believe that it's here. it's finally here. and i'm so nervous. but i'm ready to do it.

and for so long, i thought of it as getting it over with.

and now my mindset is so different. it's about going. and just being with him. because he wants to be there with me, for whatever reason.

even if it's just to flirt and steal my attention until he's had his fill. even if, when he watches me walk away, he doesn't think of me again until the next time he's sitting across from me.


i don't know what it will be. but all i know is that i want it back. i want to fall asleep next to him. i can't help it. i want to have pillowtalk. even if it's not followed by a kiss. i don't care. i would love to share music with him, like before.

i just don't want to hold onto the past.

and, like every day, i hear thao saying over and over,

'i remember the most. don't you want a new memory?'


well, i think i could burn him up. and i did wait the winter long.

and yes, i want him to come home with me. only not specifically the way she means it. really, i'd love to go home with him. but i cannot fathom that being a possibility.


i'd like to take this opportunity to say that, whatever happens, i would like to apologize for the five part post that will follow. the one where i try to capture every detail. memorize and regurgitate his words. and my words. my questions. his responses.

so many people are waiting for details. just like i am.

and i will try to wait patiently. i will try to remember not to feed him possibilities. to ask and listen.


i just want something more than what he has ever given me. i want him to make it worth it. to go back for more. because i haven't had enough already. it's insane. the definition, actually. doing the same thing you've always done, yet expecting a different result.


and i'm glad i've been saying this whole time, since i landed, that i will consider the possibility of moving home. because i don't want tomorrow to have any bearing on it. but i know for certain that i will.

because it will be easier to go back to where i live if he shoots me down, yet again. not even shooting me down. but having a reason why, i guess. and it will be more pressing to come back if he expresses some kind of interest in seeing me again.


i don't know. this is what i do. i think. i brood. i pine. i daydream.

what will be, will be.

part of me is really glad kit will be here within hours of me leaving him. and part of me is already sorry that she's going to be there to witness the aftermath.


i'm afraid to take my phone. i'm afraid of the eight million texts from everyone who knows that tomorrow is my non-date.

i'm afraid of the bathroom stall updates.

the coaching. i feel like i'm going to have to call kit from the bathroom. give her the play by play and ask her what to say next, like that movie 'the ugly truth'. yet again. only this time, not in pre-planning mode. but in real time, live action.

i have to get some sleep.

i feel far from that.

but, just like christmas eve, i need to sleep so that when i wake up, it will be nearly here.

brownies. june 27th.

today was fantastic.

today reminded me that when friends are your friends for life, and real friends, the true ones, despite fallouts and 'breakups', will be there when you find yourself back in front of them again, no matter how much time has passed.

and they'll pick up where they left off.


i'm not going to lie. i was nervous.

i knew that it was part one of closure fest. i hoped that she would be as happy to see me and talk as i was to see her and talk.

but i knew that i wanted to apologize and say things that i'd been wanting to say for years.

and just listen and talk.


my only regret is that i didn't let her talk more. she kept asking me questions, so i kept talking and telling her stories.

but she came to see my family first, and said hi before we left together.

and it felt like any other weekend from back in the days of our endless times together. she picked me up and took me to lunch, and we laughed.

we laughed until we cried. wiping happy tears from eyes.


it was so great.

after my first martini (blueberry - it was AMAZING), we were about an hour in. over the next three hours, we had two more drinks.

there's also something pretty awesome about having lunch out and drinks.


i came home from that, said goodbye. i told her that i love her and that i'm sorry for everything, and that i want to see her again before i go back.


i hate that i let ever come between us. i just didn't want to see her in a bad relationship, and she apologized for not being more patient with me, but that it was too hard for her to watch me cry everytime ever was having a bad day, and that i pushed her further and further away from me.

i admit it. i know it. and i am sorry for it.

i'm glad that she has enough love in her heart to forgive me, and that i'm not too proud to tell her that i was wrong.


i came home so happy. closure task one wasn't as hard as i thought it would be. it wasn't awkward at all. everything was natural. and it was fun.

and it was one more instance where i felt like i was doing the right thing. that i'm on the right path with my life. that i'm happy and healthy.

and that i'm lucky to have awesome friends.


and that, i have TWO WEEKS OF THIS. it's unbelievable.

and i am succeeding at not wishing away the days until scrabble night. because what is happening before that i don't want to miss.


but i'd also be lying if i said i wasn't thinking about trying to think of a way to get coffee into my pool at three am on what will be wednesday morning. 'wanna go swimming? no one will be awake. i promise you'll be glad you did.'

and the way i imagine it, we'd float on our backs, staring at the stars and the nearly full moon, holding hands. just floating and being.


there are so many happy endings i can imagine. i will take anything i can get.

it's such a psych out that everything so far has been so perfect, it seems that if things with him get off track, it would be the most unnatural thing.

beekie and katie. june 26th.

so i got in late on friday.

and slept in late on saturday. i had to be up because beekie and i had a lunch date.

aubree and i got our eyebrows done just before. i went to lunch and a pitcher of margaritas, we talked for three whole hours.

it was incredible. i knew from talking to her before that our married lives were similar, hers was complicated by children. but otherwise, our husbands both became very depressed and passive and lazy, leaving us to do everything.

it was great to trade stories and relate to one another.


it's so strange to me that we all grew up in the same place, the same schools, sharing a lot of the same friends. and that now, as adults, we're all ending up the same way.

it's like it was in the water or something. like we were all destined to end up in the same boat.


i came home from lunch, after grabbing some delicious cupcakes after dinner.

hung around with aubree and katie. we took mom and mimi to target, just before midnight.

they were playing some crazy rap music, soldier boy. they'd taught mom the dance the day before. when the song came on, mom said, 'oh! this is the song that i hurt my hip dancing to.'

it was hilarious. they were all doing the arm motions in the car. it was awesome.

we were running around the store. they asked what i needed, and i said, 'lip stain, saline, and a box of tampons'. mom heard, 'lip stain, saline, and a box of condoms'. also hilarious.

and then we left, and i wanted to buy beer and cigarettes. dragging mom and mimi on the beer run was equally funny.


we got home, and aubree passed out. katie and i went out by the pool.

from midnight until four, we had a few beers, too many cigarettes, and hours of conversation. staring at the sky, talking astronomy and religion and divorce and relationships. youth and college, life goals and aspirations. around three, the urge to swim at night was too much to ignore. i debated skinny dipping, but the full moon dissuaded me. i can't remember when i did that last, probably at nina's in college.

so i got into my suit, and swam as quietly as i could. the pool and our seats were right outside mom and dad's bedroom window.

i swam laps. i floated on my back and stared at the stars. i held my breath and went underwater, breathing bubbles and deafened.

sat on the sunshelf and smoked and drank and talked. it felt so natural, so wonderful.


since i've been here, the feeling i cannot shake is that everything feels so right.

natural.

i feel like i'm home.

and last night, i felt like i never wanted to leave.

i didn't want to get out of the pool. i forced myself to get out and go to bed at four. i didn't want to see the sun come up. and i had a lunch date with brownies, so i had to go to bed.

but i didn't want to. i was wide awake and so content to be in the pool at four in the morning.

nightswimming.

home. june 25th.

my mind is racing again.

i had the craziest day today.

i woke up at 630, realizing that i was flying home, and couldn't go back to sleep out of excitement.

i went to work early, rearranging my day slightly.

it was fantastic.

work was easy, and i took care of the remaining loose ends to leave scot free. my friend ben helped me scan in the marriage certificate, and printed out some stuff for work.

so the lawyer has everything he needs. he'll send me the draft next week. then file the order.

it's crazy. after ever's shenanigans last night, it was just what i needed to do before leaving.

i finished up at work sometime after one, and came home, grabbing kit to help me survive the afternoon before my nighttime flight.

it was tough. i was excited but nervous, and we walked to her place. she put on zach galifianakis standup to kill that last grueling hour and a half until just before it was time to leave.

it was perfect. i laughed and settled into the pre-flight rituals.

we left, making a couple runs for errands on the way.

and i got there, checked in, and had a half a smoke.


through security, grabbed a snack and a drink. looked for people i knew from working there all those years. but i didn't see anyone i knew.


so there are numbers. and i have always had a thing with numbers. i was relieved when i got this ticket, because i landed at 1111. and 11 was my number for a while. when i worked with cher and nate, my number was 17. my seat was 17f. my gate was b11.

and despite being on a plane with some seriously retarded people, we landed at exactly 1111. maybe i shouldn't say what i iwished for. but if you're reading, you can probably guess what it involves.

in any case, i got on the plane almost last. i didn't want to be stuck on there with all the screaming kids and hot air and feel panic again, because i was panicking at several points in my day today.

so i finally got on, and situated. and we took off and it was rough. takeoffs used to be my favorite part of flying. the rush and the adrenaline. the speed.

but it's that immediate banking turn when it feels like the airplane dips down and simultaneously turns onto its side. the g force is too much and makes me sick now. the noises make me panic, no matter what. nothing feels right.

but we got up in the air, and i had the biggest orange full moon in my window. and when we turned and headed south, i had venus shining brightly in my window. and i could see the planets all in a row. i assume i was seeing mars and saturn, and we headed due south,

i alternated between reading dreamwhip, which is my new favorite thing i've found. and also writing in paper journal. quite a bit.

and i had a wine, and when i opened it, the brand was turning leaf.

i kept the empty bottle. it's tiny. perfect for a little flower when i'm back to the apartment.

i'm struggling now with the word home. i want to say when i 'get back home', but already, after a short few hours of being here, this is my home.

ever made me feel like there was home, and this was where our families were. he made me feel ashamed of all things high school and college until now, and now that i'm here, i'm sad that i let him take that from me.

because this is my home.


i guess the other thing that i'm still a little weepy about, and not entirely over yet, is the fact that we started our descent. i turned off the reading light and i just listened to my dark sky mix. and as we dropped too quickly toward teh ground, which made me feel sick again, i started crying. when we circled over downtown, i was crying hard enough to be shaking. the tiny little lake in the center of the city, where i spent an evening with lindsey in december.

and i could not stop crying. we were landing, and i let it go, because everything got so loud on the plane, i didn't have to stifle it. and then we came to a stop. and i was crying. and then i was getting my bags, shaking because i was on the ground. i had arrived so quickly. and i was texting everyone to let them know that i was home, and i was crying more.


i darted off the plane. i walked too quickly through the terminal to the little train that takes you to baggage and away from the tarmac, and then i started to kinda giggle to myself. giddy that my family was on their way to me.

i had a cigarette, and i was dancing to the music i had on. i just couldn't wait. mom hugged me with tears in her eyes. dad hugged me while trying to take my bags and put them in the car. i jumped up and down hugging katie and aubree.

we laughed all the way from the airport, even when mentioning that ever is getting served while i'm here.

and i just reveled in it. i was so glad to be with them.


so they were in the end of a movie when they left to get me.

so they finished the movie and i read some more and set up the ashtray on the porch. old habits. rituals. this is what i do when i get into town.

mom came out to see if i was okay, and to ask what i wanted to eat.

i had a salad and a roll. i was starving, but so hungry that i felt like i couldn't eat.

but i made myself. and i'm glad that i did. the bread was incredible.


out of curiosity, i weighed myself.

just to see.

and holy SHIT if i'm not skinnier that when aubree had her brain thing. which was the skinniest i've been since i got married.

it's unreal to me. i haven't seen this number since like 2002. it's ridiculous.


so i have some room to eat delicious things that i've been missing.

i love saint atkins.

when in doubt, stick to meat and salads. it's a miracle diet.


so. then everyone started passing out. granted, it's now after 2 am. i'm wide awake, realizing how quickly now i've acquired a new nighttime routine and that i actually kinda miss it.

so i took my headphones and had one last smoke.

and the porch was a bit stuffy.

the moon is so full, it almost hurts to take it in.

i guess that because of the city lights of my new home town, so much definition is lost, even with the moon.

and the stars here aren't all that spectacular. but they're non-existent


and i laid down on a lounge chair by the pool after walking through a spiderweb. i had actually walked with my arms in front of my face, because i didn't want to walk through one in the dark. and sure enough, arms are draped in web, and i'm brushing things off of me.

so i lay down. and there's the summer triangle. right over my head. and the square of pegasus. and i couldn't make out the teapot because of the brightest moon. but i felt so calm laying there, smoking, and being parallel with the ground, and staring up at the sky.

and i can't deny that part of me instantly wanted to move home.

not to my parents, home, but to this city, home.

nights in the pool under the stars is just too cool. it's like i'm seeing with new eyes or something.


i don't know. i can't move back here. i'd be so miserable in this weather. but for a first few hours' worth of a night home, i am really happy to be here. and i'm sure i'll have mixed feelings when i go back at the end of this vacation. but for right now, i have this feeling that everything is wonderful and exciting. and i'm so full of hope and i'm ready for all the closure.

i'm ready for the self care, the hair and the brows. the shopping and new clothes that make me feel outwardly how i feel inside.

and i can't wait to swim and treat myself to all the joys of life and living here. and letting my parents take care of me.


i didn't realize how much i have been needing this reprieve. i realized it about five thousand feet above the city here. and i lost it. i was completely overcome with emotion.

and part of what kept me crying was how i was crying when i left here. how i didn't want to go back to ever in december. how i cried when i took off and couldn't stop. and when we landed, and when i got off the plane and waiting for him in the terminal to pick me up.

and it was the polar opposite of this.

that was pure dread. this was pure joy and happiness.

it was relief.


i am here. i have arrived. i am home. and i cannot wait to have these next two weeks play out the way the chips fall.


and it wouldn't be a post lately without a mention of what is happening in the scrabble game.

he started talking trash again. said 'those are big words, little tea.'

because i'd said that he was invited to group scrabble night if he wasn't too depressed after i kicked his ass on tuesday.

and i said that i'm fighting fire with fire.

he said i am holding a candlestick and he's bringing the blow torch.

it's all very light and playful. i love it.

so i said that he has a few days to prepare himself.

and i think the next line needs to involve the stakes of the game.


a best of three games? i don't know. that's something like a five or six hour committment. i'm sure we'll be too drunk to make words by that point. but i think i should bet him the bar tab.

best of three. loser pays the tab.

i think it will show that i'm not fucking around.


what i want the stakes to be, i would never in a million years say. i don't even want to list them here.


but let's just leave it at this:

i'm going to win.

and i'm going to get what i want. i'm not leaving until i do.


how am i going to make it through the next few days? i have to squash this down. quiet my brain. focus on the friends and family that are with me.

stay busy.

just like how i made it through this week of waiting for this trip.


it's 230. i'm beat. i'm hungry. i want another drink. like the kind you find in a bar.

it's friday. it feels like sunday.

crazy.

i'm so happy right now.

i have crazy dreams when i sleep in my parent's house. this will be interesting...