home. june 25th.

my mind is racing again.

i had the craziest day today.

i woke up at 630, realizing that i was flying home, and couldn't go back to sleep out of excitement.

i went to work early, rearranging my day slightly.

it was fantastic.

work was easy, and i took care of the remaining loose ends to leave scot free. my friend ben helped me scan in the marriage certificate, and printed out some stuff for work.

so the lawyer has everything he needs. he'll send me the draft next week. then file the order.

it's crazy. after ever's shenanigans last night, it was just what i needed to do before leaving.

i finished up at work sometime after one, and came home, grabbing kit to help me survive the afternoon before my nighttime flight.

it was tough. i was excited but nervous, and we walked to her place. she put on zach galifianakis standup to kill that last grueling hour and a half until just before it was time to leave.

it was perfect. i laughed and settled into the pre-flight rituals.

we left, making a couple runs for errands on the way.

and i got there, checked in, and had a half a smoke.

through security, grabbed a snack and a drink. looked for people i knew from working there all those years. but i didn't see anyone i knew.

so there are numbers. and i have always had a thing with numbers. i was relieved when i got this ticket, because i landed at 1111. and 11 was my number for a while. when i worked with cher and nate, my number was 17. my seat was 17f. my gate was b11.

and despite being on a plane with some seriously retarded people, we landed at exactly 1111. maybe i shouldn't say what i iwished for. but if you're reading, you can probably guess what it involves.

in any case, i got on the plane almost last. i didn't want to be stuck on there with all the screaming kids and hot air and feel panic again, because i was panicking at several points in my day today.

so i finally got on, and situated. and we took off and it was rough. takeoffs used to be my favorite part of flying. the rush and the adrenaline. the speed.

but it's that immediate banking turn when it feels like the airplane dips down and simultaneously turns onto its side. the g force is too much and makes me sick now. the noises make me panic, no matter what. nothing feels right.

but we got up in the air, and i had the biggest orange full moon in my window. and when we turned and headed south, i had venus shining brightly in my window. and i could see the planets all in a row. i assume i was seeing mars and saturn, and we headed due south,

i alternated between reading dreamwhip, which is my new favorite thing i've found. and also writing in paper journal. quite a bit.

and i had a wine, and when i opened it, the brand was turning leaf.

i kept the empty bottle. it's tiny. perfect for a little flower when i'm back to the apartment.

i'm struggling now with the word home. i want to say when i 'get back home', but already, after a short few hours of being here, this is my home.

ever made me feel like there was home, and this was where our families were. he made me feel ashamed of all things high school and college until now, and now that i'm here, i'm sad that i let him take that from me.

because this is my home.

i guess the other thing that i'm still a little weepy about, and not entirely over yet, is the fact that we started our descent. i turned off the reading light and i just listened to my dark sky mix. and as we dropped too quickly toward teh ground, which made me feel sick again, i started crying. when we circled over downtown, i was crying hard enough to be shaking. the tiny little lake in the center of the city, where i spent an evening with lindsey in december.

and i could not stop crying. we were landing, and i let it go, because everything got so loud on the plane, i didn't have to stifle it. and then we came to a stop. and i was crying. and then i was getting my bags, shaking because i was on the ground. i had arrived so quickly. and i was texting everyone to let them know that i was home, and i was crying more.

i darted off the plane. i walked too quickly through the terminal to the little train that takes you to baggage and away from the tarmac, and then i started to kinda giggle to myself. giddy that my family was on their way to me.

i had a cigarette, and i was dancing to the music i had on. i just couldn't wait. mom hugged me with tears in her eyes. dad hugged me while trying to take my bags and put them in the car. i jumped up and down hugging katie and aubree.

we laughed all the way from the airport, even when mentioning that ever is getting served while i'm here.

and i just reveled in it. i was so glad to be with them.

so they were in the end of a movie when they left to get me.

so they finished the movie and i read some more and set up the ashtray on the porch. old habits. rituals. this is what i do when i get into town.

mom came out to see if i was okay, and to ask what i wanted to eat.

i had a salad and a roll. i was starving, but so hungry that i felt like i couldn't eat.

but i made myself. and i'm glad that i did. the bread was incredible.

out of curiosity, i weighed myself.

just to see.

and holy SHIT if i'm not skinnier that when aubree had her brain thing. which was the skinniest i've been since i got married.

it's unreal to me. i haven't seen this number since like 2002. it's ridiculous.

so i have some room to eat delicious things that i've been missing.

i love saint atkins.

when in doubt, stick to meat and salads. it's a miracle diet.

so. then everyone started passing out. granted, it's now after 2 am. i'm wide awake, realizing how quickly now i've acquired a new nighttime routine and that i actually kinda miss it.

so i took my headphones and had one last smoke.

and the porch was a bit stuffy.

the moon is so full, it almost hurts to take it in.

i guess that because of the city lights of my new home town, so much definition is lost, even with the moon.

and the stars here aren't all that spectacular. but they're non-existent

and i laid down on a lounge chair by the pool after walking through a spiderweb. i had actually walked with my arms in front of my face, because i didn't want to walk through one in the dark. and sure enough, arms are draped in web, and i'm brushing things off of me.

so i lay down. and there's the summer triangle. right over my head. and the square of pegasus. and i couldn't make out the teapot because of the brightest moon. but i felt so calm laying there, smoking, and being parallel with the ground, and staring up at the sky.

and i can't deny that part of me instantly wanted to move home.

not to my parents, home, but to this city, home.

nights in the pool under the stars is just too cool. it's like i'm seeing with new eyes or something.

i don't know. i can't move back here. i'd be so miserable in this weather. but for a first few hours' worth of a night home, i am really happy to be here. and i'm sure i'll have mixed feelings when i go back at the end of this vacation. but for right now, i have this feeling that everything is wonderful and exciting. and i'm so full of hope and i'm ready for all the closure.

i'm ready for the self care, the hair and the brows. the shopping and new clothes that make me feel outwardly how i feel inside.

and i can't wait to swim and treat myself to all the joys of life and living here. and letting my parents take care of me.

i didn't realize how much i have been needing this reprieve. i realized it about five thousand feet above the city here. and i lost it. i was completely overcome with emotion.

and part of what kept me crying was how i was crying when i left here. how i didn't want to go back to ever in december. how i cried when i took off and couldn't stop. and when we landed, and when i got off the plane and waiting for him in the terminal to pick me up.

and it was the polar opposite of this.

that was pure dread. this was pure joy and happiness.

it was relief.

i am here. i have arrived. i am home. and i cannot wait to have these next two weeks play out the way the chips fall.

and it wouldn't be a post lately without a mention of what is happening in the scrabble game.

he started talking trash again. said 'those are big words, little tea.'

because i'd said that he was invited to group scrabble night if he wasn't too depressed after i kicked his ass on tuesday.

and i said that i'm fighting fire with fire.

he said i am holding a candlestick and he's bringing the blow torch.

it's all very light and playful. i love it.

so i said that he has a few days to prepare himself.

and i think the next line needs to involve the stakes of the game.

a best of three games? i don't know. that's something like a five or six hour committment. i'm sure we'll be too drunk to make words by that point. but i think i should bet him the bar tab.

best of three. loser pays the tab.

i think it will show that i'm not fucking around.

what i want the stakes to be, i would never in a million years say. i don't even want to list them here.

but let's just leave it at this:

i'm going to win.

and i'm going to get what i want. i'm not leaving until i do.

how am i going to make it through the next few days? i have to squash this down. quiet my brain. focus on the friends and family that are with me.

stay busy.

just like how i made it through this week of waiting for this trip.

it's 230. i'm beat. i'm hungry. i want another drink. like the kind you find in a bar.

it's friday. it feels like sunday.


i'm so happy right now.

i have crazy dreams when i sleep in my parent's house. this will be interesting...

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