dudermints. june 28th.

so coffee has a new nickname.

as given by aubree and katie.

it's hilarious. they keep saying his name, and i keep referring to him as 'boy who shall remain unnamed'.

i don't know how i'm going to sleep tonight.

i'm as ready as i am going to be.

i went shopping today with mom and aubree. we went to the outlet malls, and i got some sweet ass new clothing to wear. a pair of awesome beach shorts that are plaid patchwork. two pairs of jean shorts, because when i'm not at work, that's what i want to wear and i only had this pair that was ripped and worn and eight sizes too big.

i got this incredible party dress. which i will not be wearing it tomorrow, because it would be a little much. maybe that last night out in town with nina, which i have unofficially invited coffee to. so it could serve as a double play.

something about the guess outlet was drawing me in. i tend to think of things there as being kinda slutty. but i guess if you want to have someone's undivided attention, perhaps this is the route.

i tried on three tops and one mini dress. the dress and one top were strapless and i hated them. the halter was completely see-through in the middle. which would have been cool back in the nineties. it had this marilyn monroe appeal to it. had it not been sheer, i would probably have gone with that.

but then...the pretty black bustier.

not too much. flat panel front, fits me perfectly.

and it has these understated little ruffles at the bottom on the sides.

it is hot.

and when i took it to the register and she told me i had to pay full price, i stared it down. i didn't want to drop $40 for a non-date top.

and mom tried to swipe her card but i fought her. i told her she can't buy hooker clothes for me, that she can stick to the wholesome clothes.

and i stared it down. and thought about all the times something fit me and cost more than i was willing to pay. and thought about all the times that i thought of it afterward, when i didn't have access to it.

so i bought it. aubree told me on the way out that if i'd not bought it, that she was willing to pay half for me to take it home.

so then i knew the outfit.

and now the rest is just waiting.

in any case, we left one set of outlets to go to the other in search of the bra that will put things where they belong in the non-date top i have selected.

and had the lady at victoria's secret fit me for a bra.

because of losing the weight, i'm one of those unlucky souls who loses her boobs right after her ass.

she took me back to freshman year when she told me that i'm a 32a.

i wanted to die.

there's no fucking way.

and i put on a few bras. and for the most part, they confirmed my belief that the lady was full of shit.

but they all had padding. the one that didn't fit perfectly.

are you kidding me?

no wonder my bathing suit isn't fitting right. fml.

so i left without anything, because i needed a strapless bra.

it's the only thing for tomorrow that is left unfinished.

i know how it feels to wear sexy underthings. it's not about wheher he sees it or not. it's how it makes you feel to walk around in it.

i'm so ready.

i mean, i'm scared shitless.

but physically, i'm ready.

my tolerance is up.

i've been playing bananagrams with my mom and aubree for days. scrabble online with everyone as per the usual, but also with coffee.

who i've been beating. who started a game with me today as soon as the other one ended.

and i asked him tonight if i need to bring my travel scrabs or if we're playing on his sexy black board.

i don't know.

it's all i could think about all day, of course.

even last night, swimming with mom and dad and aubree. and then in the hot tub with the three of them.

i just keep thinking of how sweet it would be to sneak him into my back yard.

or to watch heima.

or to kidnap him and drive to the beach at night.

as long as it includes talking to him, i don't really care where we are.

i just can't believe that it's here. it's finally here. and i'm so nervous. but i'm ready to do it.

and for so long, i thought of it as getting it over with.

and now my mindset is so different. it's about going. and just being with him. because he wants to be there with me, for whatever reason.

even if it's just to flirt and steal my attention until he's had his fill. even if, when he watches me walk away, he doesn't think of me again until the next time he's sitting across from me.

i don't know what it will be. but all i know is that i want it back. i want to fall asleep next to him. i can't help it. i want to have pillowtalk. even if it's not followed by a kiss. i don't care. i would love to share music with him, like before.

i just don't want to hold onto the past.

and, like every day, i hear thao saying over and over,

'i remember the most. don't you want a new memory?'

well, i think i could burn him up. and i did wait the winter long.

and yes, i want him to come home with me. only not specifically the way she means it. really, i'd love to go home with him. but i cannot fathom that being a possibility.

i'd like to take this opportunity to say that, whatever happens, i would like to apologize for the five part post that will follow. the one where i try to capture every detail. memorize and regurgitate his words. and my words. my questions. his responses.

so many people are waiting for details. just like i am.

and i will try to wait patiently. i will try to remember not to feed him possibilities. to ask and listen.

i just want something more than what he has ever given me. i want him to make it worth it. to go back for more. because i haven't had enough already. it's insane. the definition, actually. doing the same thing you've always done, yet expecting a different result.

and i'm glad i've been saying this whole time, since i landed, that i will consider the possibility of moving home. because i don't want tomorrow to have any bearing on it. but i know for certain that i will.

because it will be easier to go back to where i live if he shoots me down, yet again. not even shooting me down. but having a reason why, i guess. and it will be more pressing to come back if he expresses some kind of interest in seeing me again.

i don't know. this is what i do. i think. i brood. i pine. i daydream.

what will be, will be.

part of me is really glad kit will be here within hours of me leaving him. and part of me is already sorry that she's going to be there to witness the aftermath.

i'm afraid to take my phone. i'm afraid of the eight million texts from everyone who knows that tomorrow is my non-date.

i'm afraid of the bathroom stall updates.

the coaching. i feel like i'm going to have to call kit from the bathroom. give her the play by play and ask her what to say next, like that movie 'the ugly truth'. yet again. only this time, not in pre-planning mode. but in real time, live action.

i have to get some sleep.

i feel far from that.

but, just like christmas eve, i need to sleep so that when i wake up, it will be nearly here.

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