i don't know why i'm so angry and nervous this morning.
maybe because i am sick. fucking AGAIN. sinus pressure and sneezing. feeling shitty and cloudy headed.
maybe it's because i feel like lawyer is letting ever dictate what happens, instead of me. his client.
i made a judgement call based on ever's information. and how things have changed three times with phone calls between the two of them, i cannot wrap my head around. and how i'm now the one out of the loop, i don't get it.
yesterday, when i left work, court was canceled and i didn't have to be there today. today, i got to work and checked my old email account. and lawyer had sent an email there, for the first time ever. so i didn't get it until today. saying that if the continuance is denied, we have to go to court.
what. the. fuck.
i emailed him yesterday specifically to make sure i didn't have to be there today. and because i've already taken two weeks off, unpaid, and i need to work if i can. i'll already have to take a day to either go to court or sign the agreement, whichever the case may be.
so now i'm way the fuck out of the city, and have no backup plan if i have to leave, because i gave cat the day off.
expect the worst? be ready to report to court? you're 'on call'?
really??
mostly, i think i'm upset because everything feels like it is getting all kinds of fucked up.
the house yesterday was unsettling. i mean, it was quick and painless for me, which surprised the realtor, who expected an emotional reaction from being back in a shared space that had completely changed from the last time i was in it. well, in the upstairs, six or seven months ago. it's something that she's familiar with, from going into her old space where her ex stayed. and said it's a very hard thing to do for most people. but not for me. for me, it was angering. to see the house trashed, dirty, junkpiled. it pissed me off.
but things that happened while i was there, things ever said, were unsettling.
for one, he wasn't there, so i saw some guy walking around, after he had said one girl was crashing there sometimes. when ever did walk in, he was carrying this clear plastic bag of food and was drinking an iced coffee, which really surprised me.
i was totally distracted by the bag. by what was in it, because i couldn't tell.
but when we made our way into the kitchen to discuss the lawyer (in front of the realtor, i might add), he started unloading it. and because i work in a coffee shop, i recognized it as being the food that gets thrown away at closing.
i had explained to the realtor that he is really good at getting something for nothing. and apparently, he doesn't go to the grocery store. he goes to some cafe in the neighborhood and takes their old food home to eat.
i understand it.
it made me sad for him.
and maybe that was part of his plan. without saying a word, he said 'i have no money for food, so i brought home this free food that was going to be trash'.
point taken.
not my problem.
that's the thing... so much could be avoided for him, if he would just fucking WORK. if he would just get a job. and work for a living.
i went out last night, after a phone call to my parents that ran way over, and i stopped writing. when i came home from dinner out with lauren, i went straight to bed and couldn't keep my eyes open, i was so tired.
so that's why the post i started ended so abruptly.
i had a lot more to say about it, and i knew that today i'd have time to write things out.
part of this is because i feel like he decided to wait this fucking long to talk about shit. and that is his fault. he had so many chances to call lawyer before now. he's been trying to get him to since july, then august, then september, then november, then december.
and why he waited until a few days before the hearing to talk is beyond me.
and i guess that now that he is talking to me, he just can't shut up. just because he called me after emailing lawyer and calling lawyer, he has now called me every day.
he waited six months to speak to me. and now he is calling every day?
i understand that we have things to talk about.
but that is why i hired a lawyer.
to do my talking for me. to deal with ever's shenanigans because i'd had my fill by the time i went home this summer.
and because of ever deciding he wanted mediation, and my wanting to get the shit over with, my lawyer retainer is gone now. so $1900 later, i'm still at a standstill. and i have no clue how the fuck i'm going to pay more money, and he's asking for it now.
i want ever to pay the fucking mortgage. so i don't feel like a retard for getting the continuance and offering to pay for his ticket home. for having a heart. despite the fact that he doesn't appear to have a heart, and thinks there is nothing wrong with ignoring the fact that she died, and that this is the best and most appropriate time to negotiate our divorce.
what else was there to write about from yesterday?
before we went into the kitchen, when it was just the two of us talking, he was trying to sell me on this aspect of taking over the house.
and i had already told him i didn't want to talk, like five times. but he just kept talking.
telling me how, now that the paralegal is back in the house, and willing to pay rent for 9 to 12 months, and now that he let the new guy put his stuff in the house without paying rent, to secure that he would be staying there, that i'd be collecting $1075 a month in rent. so for $200 a month (homeowners) and a third of utilities, i could live there or not live there, and be completely covered.
he was trying to tell me how wonderful it was. and because i was trying to be considerate, i didn't say 'if it's so fucking great, than why don't you want to make it work for yourself? how can you not have the money for the mortgage payment if everything is covered and living will be free?'
i just really think he is losing his mind. or that he did already. between that, and his whole 'i'll let the house go into foreclosure/not intentionally/don't care about the money/it's probably not going to be enough money to accept the offer' production, i just can't understand any of it, or his logic.
whatever.
court got continued. so i didn't have to jump through 85 hoops by some miracle.
robbie brought a delivery here today, so i collected on my two hugs, two cheek kisses, and thanked him when he told me i smelled nice.
he was so tired that he was leaning on the counter while he talked to me, propping himself up. and the ice storm overnight wreaked havoc on his deliveries, so we really didn't get to talk too long, and i felt bad for thinking about asking him to take a picture with me.
i'll have to do it at the bakery, after he's had some sleep. someday. someday, i will prove that he is not a unicorn. that he is in fact a real person who is as wonderful as i say he is...
i am pretty much over the writing out of this thing.
i have now talked to kenna about it, to robbie about it, to kit about it, to lauren about it.
i think i've overprocessed. kinda like winding up with straw for hair after a bleaching session.
i think i'm done.
you know. until later today when the communicating starts.
then i'll have a whole new rash of shit to deal with and think about and write out...
the boy who cried wolf. january 17th.
i wondered when i was trying to fall asleep, what i would dream about.
and i don't know all of the dream now, but what i remember is that i met adrock from the beastie boys, and he became smitten with me, and hung around after a show that was in a back yard somewhere, with me, and then kissed me. only he looked like a cross between adrock and adam sandler. in any case, i had a cute famous jewish boyfriend in my sleep last night.
and saying as i haven't heard the beastie boys in a good long while, i have absolutely no idea where it came from.
so, today. suck store. sans lunch again. i really hate when i work here and forget my lunch. i get bored and want to eat. i'm really wanting food right now.
and i fell asleep and woke up and showered and got ready and drove here, all thinking about last night.
all thinking about everything kit had to say about it, and my mom had to say about it, and my dad had to say about it in the background, and nina had to say about it.
about the fact that he has lied and manipulated me so many times that i have a harder time believing him when he is supposedly being honest. he might actually need help. and though it is not by place or my problem to help him, i can't know for certain that he is telling the truth this time.
the emotional reaction on my end couldn't be helped. i couldn't squash it down. and in the moment, i wasn't even trying to. and i know that he has tried to make me cry on many occasions, by saying things that were awful and upsetting, just to get a reaction.
but for whatever reason, i feel like grandparents dying is like an untouchable thing. say what you want about friends and parents. say what you want about yourself especially. but faking a grandparent being on their deathbed? i just don't even know how a person with a conscience could do that. even ever.
if he is lying to me, i will physically harm him. kick him in the balls. punch him in the throat.
i understand why it's suspect to everyone else, and even to a lesser degree, to me.
i understand how he could be using this at this specific time to get out of court even if it is only temporary.
to delay the accepting or refusing of the agreement, to make my offer less hardhearted.
whatever. i get it.
i know how different i felt about him last night for that window of time when i was on the phone with him. and how i felt immediately after. and how i feel walking around today.
luckily kit got me out of my apartment. and had a beer with me. and warned me a million times over.
this morning on my way driving here, i thought of something. i remembered last night when we were walking toward each other, i was crying before i could tell her what was even wrong with me, and saying 'i just got off the phone with ever'.
and it reminded me of brownies using that exact quote to talk to me about all the times when i was dating him and she would hug me when i was crying because i had just talked to him.
it seems i've come full circle? right back to where i started with him.
last night, i said that i was pulling a bush. fool me eighteen times, shame on me.
and yes, it is possible that he is playing me.
and yes, it is even more likely that he could be exaggerating a situation to get an emotional response out of me, to make things easier on him.
and more likely still, it is possible that he is lying about something. it could be one of many aspects. that all the money he has is for the mortgage payment. that he doesn't have money to go home.
i know that other stress can create a false sense of grief conveyed through talking and silence. but he seemed so distraught. he had the sound in his voice that is reserved for genuine panic and anxiety, from a tired person who hasn't been sleeping. i know it well, from spending years with him.
and like i said, if he is acting or lying or exaggerating or pulling one over on me, he is doomed.
i think i know why i believed him last night.
i felt like he was confessing things to me last night. telling me that our friend drove him to the mediation. that he was sorry that he wasn't acting himself and that he was distracted. that he hadn't slept in days. that he didn't know what day it was. or when exactly things had happened with his grandmother. his voice when he finally said the words, and his silence before he spilled them out. telling me that she has 72 hours to live and that court was in 48 and that he didn't think he'd make it, but that he knows he can't miss court.
he didn't ask for anything. he didn't ask to postpone. he didn't ask for help with the ticket home. he didn't ask me not to come by today with the realtor. he didn't ask me to take care of the puppy if he goes.
but a few of them are things i offered to him.
i felt so bad for him that i said we could try to delay the hearing. that i would put his ticket on my credit card if his mom couldn't borrow the money. that i could check on the puppy if he needed me to.
and when he said sorry and when he said thanks, i believed him.
* * *
so as i was closing up at suck store, he called. and i answered. again.
he said that he didn't want court to be canceled or delayed. but lawyer had already filed a continuance. so whatever.
i guess i got short with him. because he was upset that it wasn't happening tomorrow.
and i don't remember the chain of conversation, but he said that his grandmother died this morning. the funeral will be saturday.
he said that he was blown away by my offer, and that in trying to talk to me now, he's just trying to think of the reasons we got married in the first place when he talks to me. and that my offer reminded him of how compassionate i am.
he asked if we could talk after the walkthrough with the realtor.
honestly, i don't want to talk about divorce negotiations on the day his grandmother died. and i guess he just is trying to stay focused and busy to not think about it. that dealing with his mother right now is too much.
and i said that i was riding there with her, and that i didn't want to talk tonight. and certainly not in front of her. i asked if he and puppy would be there, and he said yes, he wanted to tell us some things while we walked through.
i got off the phone with him saying i'd see him in a little while.
and we went.
and he wasn't there. but some other guy was. interesting, right off the bat.
so we went through, and it looked the same as when i was there before.
he came home as we were walking out.
so he said that, since we all took time off of work tomorrow for court, we should meet up then.
but i had already scheduled myself to work once i knew i wasn't going to court.
but didn't tell him that.
just said that i could talk to him in the afternoon after i talked to lawyer.
he asked if i was afraid to talk to him without the lawyer.
i am not. but i am also not wanting to get into the numbers without him around as a witness, if nothing else.
and he said that lawyer sounded burnt when he talked to him on the phone today.
i also found out that i have to pay $340 more asap, because the retainer has dwindled down to $160 after all the talking and mediation. which i knew. i actually thought it was already gone. but whatever.
so now, on top of that, i have to figure out that piece.
and i explained that he's not burnt out, but that he is probably trying to protect my money and keep things short with him because ever is spending my money by interacting with him.
he got mad because he didn't know that. and i only found out at 11 today, so it's not like i could have told him.
so he said he wouldn't talk to him, because he didn't know that.
i don't know.
it's so easy when i'm here alone, not seeing him. knowing exactly what i want to do.
and the kicker was, when we were about to leave, he started talking to me, and realtor left the room to take notes or whatever.
and he said that he had some ideas, and started explaining the situation with all the people's stuff that is in the house. despite saying no one was there.
whatever. his stories are great. i'll repeat them here.
so the girl has only been there a couple nights. he gave up his room for her and her kid to stay in while she works things out and mostly stays at her parents' house.
that he hasn't taken any rent from her.
the guy who was there is willing to sign a 9 to 12 month lease if that is the route i want to go. he let him move his stuff in before he paid rent because he wanted to ensure that he'd live there.
and the third guy just buried his dad, so he's been in kentucky dealing with that instead of living in the house.
whatever. it doesn't compute.
we'll see where tomorrow takes me. us. me.
and i don't know all of the dream now, but what i remember is that i met adrock from the beastie boys, and he became smitten with me, and hung around after a show that was in a back yard somewhere, with me, and then kissed me. only he looked like a cross between adrock and adam sandler. in any case, i had a cute famous jewish boyfriend in my sleep last night.
and saying as i haven't heard the beastie boys in a good long while, i have absolutely no idea where it came from.
so, today. suck store. sans lunch again. i really hate when i work here and forget my lunch. i get bored and want to eat. i'm really wanting food right now.
and i fell asleep and woke up and showered and got ready and drove here, all thinking about last night.
all thinking about everything kit had to say about it, and my mom had to say about it, and my dad had to say about it in the background, and nina had to say about it.
about the fact that he has lied and manipulated me so many times that i have a harder time believing him when he is supposedly being honest. he might actually need help. and though it is not by place or my problem to help him, i can't know for certain that he is telling the truth this time.
the emotional reaction on my end couldn't be helped. i couldn't squash it down. and in the moment, i wasn't even trying to. and i know that he has tried to make me cry on many occasions, by saying things that were awful and upsetting, just to get a reaction.
but for whatever reason, i feel like grandparents dying is like an untouchable thing. say what you want about friends and parents. say what you want about yourself especially. but faking a grandparent being on their deathbed? i just don't even know how a person with a conscience could do that. even ever.
if he is lying to me, i will physically harm him. kick him in the balls. punch him in the throat.
i understand why it's suspect to everyone else, and even to a lesser degree, to me.
i understand how he could be using this at this specific time to get out of court even if it is only temporary.
to delay the accepting or refusing of the agreement, to make my offer less hardhearted.
whatever. i get it.
i know how different i felt about him last night for that window of time when i was on the phone with him. and how i felt immediately after. and how i feel walking around today.
luckily kit got me out of my apartment. and had a beer with me. and warned me a million times over.
this morning on my way driving here, i thought of something. i remembered last night when we were walking toward each other, i was crying before i could tell her what was even wrong with me, and saying 'i just got off the phone with ever'.
and it reminded me of brownies using that exact quote to talk to me about all the times when i was dating him and she would hug me when i was crying because i had just talked to him.
it seems i've come full circle? right back to where i started with him.
last night, i said that i was pulling a bush. fool me eighteen times, shame on me.
and yes, it is possible that he is playing me.
and yes, it is even more likely that he could be exaggerating a situation to get an emotional response out of me, to make things easier on him.
and more likely still, it is possible that he is lying about something. it could be one of many aspects. that all the money he has is for the mortgage payment. that he doesn't have money to go home.
i know that other stress can create a false sense of grief conveyed through talking and silence. but he seemed so distraught. he had the sound in his voice that is reserved for genuine panic and anxiety, from a tired person who hasn't been sleeping. i know it well, from spending years with him.
and like i said, if he is acting or lying or exaggerating or pulling one over on me, he is doomed.
i think i know why i believed him last night.
i felt like he was confessing things to me last night. telling me that our friend drove him to the mediation. that he was sorry that he wasn't acting himself and that he was distracted. that he hadn't slept in days. that he didn't know what day it was. or when exactly things had happened with his grandmother. his voice when he finally said the words, and his silence before he spilled them out. telling me that she has 72 hours to live and that court was in 48 and that he didn't think he'd make it, but that he knows he can't miss court.
he didn't ask for anything. he didn't ask to postpone. he didn't ask for help with the ticket home. he didn't ask me not to come by today with the realtor. he didn't ask me to take care of the puppy if he goes.
but a few of them are things i offered to him.
i felt so bad for him that i said we could try to delay the hearing. that i would put his ticket on my credit card if his mom couldn't borrow the money. that i could check on the puppy if he needed me to.
and when he said sorry and when he said thanks, i believed him.
* * *
so as i was closing up at suck store, he called. and i answered. again.
he said that he didn't want court to be canceled or delayed. but lawyer had already filed a continuance. so whatever.
i guess i got short with him. because he was upset that it wasn't happening tomorrow.
and i don't remember the chain of conversation, but he said that his grandmother died this morning. the funeral will be saturday.
he said that he was blown away by my offer, and that in trying to talk to me now, he's just trying to think of the reasons we got married in the first place when he talks to me. and that my offer reminded him of how compassionate i am.
he asked if we could talk after the walkthrough with the realtor.
honestly, i don't want to talk about divorce negotiations on the day his grandmother died. and i guess he just is trying to stay focused and busy to not think about it. that dealing with his mother right now is too much.
and i said that i was riding there with her, and that i didn't want to talk tonight. and certainly not in front of her. i asked if he and puppy would be there, and he said yes, he wanted to tell us some things while we walked through.
i got off the phone with him saying i'd see him in a little while.
and we went.
and he wasn't there. but some other guy was. interesting, right off the bat.
so we went through, and it looked the same as when i was there before.
he came home as we were walking out.
so he said that, since we all took time off of work tomorrow for court, we should meet up then.
but i had already scheduled myself to work once i knew i wasn't going to court.
but didn't tell him that.
just said that i could talk to him in the afternoon after i talked to lawyer.
he asked if i was afraid to talk to him without the lawyer.
i am not. but i am also not wanting to get into the numbers without him around as a witness, if nothing else.
and he said that lawyer sounded burnt when he talked to him on the phone today.
i also found out that i have to pay $340 more asap, because the retainer has dwindled down to $160 after all the talking and mediation. which i knew. i actually thought it was already gone. but whatever.
so now, on top of that, i have to figure out that piece.
and i explained that he's not burnt out, but that he is probably trying to protect my money and keep things short with him because ever is spending my money by interacting with him.
he got mad because he didn't know that. and i only found out at 11 today, so it's not like i could have told him.
so he said he wouldn't talk to him, because he didn't know that.
i don't know.
it's so easy when i'm here alone, not seeing him. knowing exactly what i want to do.
and the kicker was, when we were about to leave, he started talking to me, and realtor left the room to take notes or whatever.
and he said that he had some ideas, and started explaining the situation with all the people's stuff that is in the house. despite saying no one was there.
whatever. his stories are great. i'll repeat them here.
so the girl has only been there a couple nights. he gave up his room for her and her kid to stay in while she works things out and mostly stays at her parents' house.
that he hasn't taken any rent from her.
the guy who was there is willing to sign a 9 to 12 month lease if that is the route i want to go. he let him move his stuff in before he paid rent because he wanted to ensure that he'd live there.
and the third guy just buried his dad, so he's been in kentucky dealing with that instead of living in the house.
whatever. it doesn't compute.
we'll see where tomorrow takes me. us. me.
numb again. january 16th.
it's hard to say what i feel, except to say that maybe i feel nothing.
perhaps a little sad, but not really. and not for any reason at all.
what i can say is that pandora modest mouse channel fucking rules.
i have had radiohead 'just' in my head for days. all because ever did this to himself.
i don't have to do anything, because it will take care of itself.
but in addition to that, i was listening to pinback last night during my sleeplessness, thinking of which song to put on my next mix. pandora picked 'good to sea'. and that is also all too appropriate.
not to mention, reminding me that i need matt & kim. and this song by someone named matt nathanson that was awesome. and throwing in mia was a nice treat, even if it didn't fit the mix. and then 'here comes the sun' which will always be nina teaching me the beatles in 6th grade, making a handdrawn filmstrip about zeus. and band of horses, whose singer's voice makes me swoon. and built to spill who i only ever saw live once, with modest mouse. one of the best shows of my life. i drove from florida to atlanta for that show. and it was worth every second and every penny.
the winter comp is coming together.
the fall mix has been done but not shared.
in talking to kenna, she said something about listening to music on the way to the mediation that prepared me.
and i already had set that up. i was listening to the dark sky mix. and when tori 'sorta fairytale' came on, i sang at the top of my lungs on the interstate, and fought tears because of how that song makes me feel, but how fantastically relative the words are to my situation. this sadness that comes from a place of thinking that things would be okay and permanent, and then realizing that the silver lining is quickly disappearing in the sunset of a relationship.
mostly my words, not hers. but the sentiment is there. absolutely.
and i knew, leaving the office in wilmington on a drive that should have taken an hour according to the pin i dropped, but that i was smarter than, knowing it would take an hour and a half, that i would have time to start my fall mix.
and that i knew that when i finally made it through germantown to the office, that 'it's my life' would be playing.
and sure as shit, it was.
i think that last night was the way it was because of a few things. it stems from the place where everything is on the right track. where i'm being proactive and doing what i need to do. where the stars align, even when i can't see them in this big city. and where i feel better about all the choices i have made and will make.
i get this energy, i don't know where from, because i am always tired, that is unstoppable. and yes, the fact that i tried to limit myself to only one beer last night was really probably ultimately to blame, i am back again. in the manic phase. where music is perfect and strikes a fire deep inside my head.
and if i had written not a post, but more of a short story, i bet it would have been fantastic, because when i'm in this phase, writing just happens for me. and there's a lot of it. as can be deduced from the fact that i've been posting two a day for the past couple/few days.
i fought it, though, in an effort to try to sleep. and i tried to turn my brain off by watching a retarded amount of shit on netflix. dexter mostly saved me, but also made me a little extra alert to the sounds of my neighbor coming home and making noise that sounded like it was coming from inside my apartment. that delightful paranoia that defines me.
and yeah, i could probably do without the food i just made for myself, only because i'm not hungry. but i've had such a lack of appetite the last few stressful days that it seemed like what i should be doing. i ate lunch when i wasn't hungry, so why not dinner, too?
and today i made up for the time slacking that i lost yesterday. i laid in bed for a while, got up and got dressed for a smoke. and watched a few dexters back to back and then started the slaughter rule to stare at ryan gosling's delicious self. sometimes i wish i was an actress, just so i could star opposite him. because everyone knows that even actors forget sometimes that they're acting. on screen chemistry becomes real life chemistry. and it usually never works. but i'd love to give that a whirl. even if it didn't last through the premiere.
* * *
and one phone call changes everything. one phone call makes me feel ways that i didn't think possible.
one phone call makes me change things in an instant.
ever texted me and said he had something he needed to tell me on the phone and could i please call him.
my heart sank.
i thought he was going to tell me that my puppy died.
and when he answered it took so long for him to say what he had to say that i really thought it was about her.
but it wasn't.
i guess in the way that timing is a fucking bitch, on friday, his grandmother was moved into hospice.
she gave up on living because his grandfather died last easter and she didn't want to live without him.
she fell and went to the hospital. and caught pneumonia. and has maybe three days to live.
and he can't get home because he doesn't have the money.
i am crying my eyes out. was on the phone, then to my own mom, now while i chat with nina about it.
it's this shift from hate to empathy. completely overwhelming.
court on tuesday, which will probably be the day she dies, and i don't even want him to be here for it.
yeah. he fucked up. he's a dickhead who can't handle his money. but i guess the part of me that thought he was just holding out on paying shit now knows that he can't even get home to say goodbye.
what's even more insane? if i had it, i'd fork it over to him. in a heartbeat. because if i couldn't say goodbye to my grandma over money? i'd fucking flip out.
you can't take this back.
not to mention, it's just now hitting me. but his family would hate my fucking guts if he didn't get home because of my hearing.
i don't know.
i know that i should just be tough. keep saying what i've been saying. he did this to himself, and he is sitting in it now.
had he told me he needed help instead of being secretive and trying to prove something, he'd be able to take care of himself.
and leave it to me to think that i can help. that i can swoop in and fix this. that i can make something better for him.
what a 180. seriously. 30 minutes ago, loathing, seething. now? i'm still weepy about it.
it's just so crazy. to not see him for however long, seven months. then the bank. then the meeting. and now this.
his poor mom. they've always had a rough go of it. his dad, then his sister, then his grandpa, now her. she's the last one left for him, and he spent a lot of time with her growing up.
man. i can't shake the weepies.
kit's on her way to meet me at favorite bar. i need to get out of the apartment. but i don't want to cry at the bar.
whatever. i'll snap out of it.
it's just surreal and overwhelming.
offering to help might show him that i'm not trying to fuck him over, i'm just trying to get us out of the situation we're in. that he got us into.
i just want out. i've been saying it for months. and now having to go through this shit at the same time is really going to suck for him. but it cannot be helped.
i have got to get up.
i have got to move.
perhaps a little sad, but not really. and not for any reason at all.
what i can say is that pandora modest mouse channel fucking rules.
i have had radiohead 'just' in my head for days. all because ever did this to himself.
i don't have to do anything, because it will take care of itself.
but in addition to that, i was listening to pinback last night during my sleeplessness, thinking of which song to put on my next mix. pandora picked 'good to sea'. and that is also all too appropriate.
not to mention, reminding me that i need matt & kim. and this song by someone named matt nathanson that was awesome. and throwing in mia was a nice treat, even if it didn't fit the mix. and then 'here comes the sun' which will always be nina teaching me the beatles in 6th grade, making a handdrawn filmstrip about zeus. and band of horses, whose singer's voice makes me swoon. and built to spill who i only ever saw live once, with modest mouse. one of the best shows of my life. i drove from florida to atlanta for that show. and it was worth every second and every penny.
the winter comp is coming together.
the fall mix has been done but not shared.
in talking to kenna, she said something about listening to music on the way to the mediation that prepared me.
and i already had set that up. i was listening to the dark sky mix. and when tori 'sorta fairytale' came on, i sang at the top of my lungs on the interstate, and fought tears because of how that song makes me feel, but how fantastically relative the words are to my situation. this sadness that comes from a place of thinking that things would be okay and permanent, and then realizing that the silver lining is quickly disappearing in the sunset of a relationship.
mostly my words, not hers. but the sentiment is there. absolutely.
and i knew, leaving the office in wilmington on a drive that should have taken an hour according to the pin i dropped, but that i was smarter than, knowing it would take an hour and a half, that i would have time to start my fall mix.
and that i knew that when i finally made it through germantown to the office, that 'it's my life' would be playing.
and sure as shit, it was.
i think that last night was the way it was because of a few things. it stems from the place where everything is on the right track. where i'm being proactive and doing what i need to do. where the stars align, even when i can't see them in this big city. and where i feel better about all the choices i have made and will make.
i get this energy, i don't know where from, because i am always tired, that is unstoppable. and yes, the fact that i tried to limit myself to only one beer last night was really probably ultimately to blame, i am back again. in the manic phase. where music is perfect and strikes a fire deep inside my head.
and if i had written not a post, but more of a short story, i bet it would have been fantastic, because when i'm in this phase, writing just happens for me. and there's a lot of it. as can be deduced from the fact that i've been posting two a day for the past couple/few days.
i fought it, though, in an effort to try to sleep. and i tried to turn my brain off by watching a retarded amount of shit on netflix. dexter mostly saved me, but also made me a little extra alert to the sounds of my neighbor coming home and making noise that sounded like it was coming from inside my apartment. that delightful paranoia that defines me.
and yeah, i could probably do without the food i just made for myself, only because i'm not hungry. but i've had such a lack of appetite the last few stressful days that it seemed like what i should be doing. i ate lunch when i wasn't hungry, so why not dinner, too?
and today i made up for the time slacking that i lost yesterday. i laid in bed for a while, got up and got dressed for a smoke. and watched a few dexters back to back and then started the slaughter rule to stare at ryan gosling's delicious self. sometimes i wish i was an actress, just so i could star opposite him. because everyone knows that even actors forget sometimes that they're acting. on screen chemistry becomes real life chemistry. and it usually never works. but i'd love to give that a whirl. even if it didn't last through the premiere.
* * *
and one phone call changes everything. one phone call makes me feel ways that i didn't think possible.
one phone call makes me change things in an instant.
ever texted me and said he had something he needed to tell me on the phone and could i please call him.
my heart sank.
i thought he was going to tell me that my puppy died.
and when he answered it took so long for him to say what he had to say that i really thought it was about her.
but it wasn't.
i guess in the way that timing is a fucking bitch, on friday, his grandmother was moved into hospice.
she gave up on living because his grandfather died last easter and she didn't want to live without him.
she fell and went to the hospital. and caught pneumonia. and has maybe three days to live.
and he can't get home because he doesn't have the money.
i am crying my eyes out. was on the phone, then to my own mom, now while i chat with nina about it.
it's this shift from hate to empathy. completely overwhelming.
court on tuesday, which will probably be the day she dies, and i don't even want him to be here for it.
yeah. he fucked up. he's a dickhead who can't handle his money. but i guess the part of me that thought he was just holding out on paying shit now knows that he can't even get home to say goodbye.
what's even more insane? if i had it, i'd fork it over to him. in a heartbeat. because if i couldn't say goodbye to my grandma over money? i'd fucking flip out.
you can't take this back.
not to mention, it's just now hitting me. but his family would hate my fucking guts if he didn't get home because of my hearing.
i don't know.
i know that i should just be tough. keep saying what i've been saying. he did this to himself, and he is sitting in it now.
had he told me he needed help instead of being secretive and trying to prove something, he'd be able to take care of himself.
and leave it to me to think that i can help. that i can swoop in and fix this. that i can make something better for him.
what a 180. seriously. 30 minutes ago, loathing, seething. now? i'm still weepy about it.
it's just so crazy. to not see him for however long, seven months. then the bank. then the meeting. and now this.
his poor mom. they've always had a rough go of it. his dad, then his sister, then his grandpa, now her. she's the last one left for him, and he spent a lot of time with her growing up.
man. i can't shake the weepies.
kit's on her way to meet me at favorite bar. i need to get out of the apartment. but i don't want to cry at the bar.
whatever. i'll snap out of it.
it's just surreal and overwhelming.
offering to help might show him that i'm not trying to fuck him over, i'm just trying to get us out of the situation we're in. that he got us into.
i just want out. i've been saying it for months. and now having to go through this shit at the same time is really going to suck for him. but it cannot be helped.
i have got to get up.
i have got to move.
sticky eyes. january 16th, technically.
something happened. just before midnight.
i was digging in my backpack for a lighter to go bother landlord and have a late night cigarette.
and i ran into my work phone. and because i don't work on the weekend, i don't know what possessed me to pick it up and look at it.
but i had two text messages. one from kenna checking in on me post mediation.
and the other from cat, who works at suck store.
cat is in a band. i have yet to see them, because they usually work with people that ever knows, so i feel like it's off limits.
but cat texted me to tell me that my friends miss me.
the ones that ever was just telling me yesterday don't care to speak to me because i jumped ship.
and my eyes started to sting. and i thought, 'i'm going to cry'.
and it passed, but the feeling didn't.
because it's midnight, and despite the fact that she's probably totally awake right now, on the road and nocturnal, i just sent her a message on fb instead.
and i thanked her. and i started to cry.
i typed through blurry vision. telling her that it meant a lot to me. that it actually made me cry. because just yesterday ever told me that they don't care to communicate with me.
it's an old lesson that, like the worm on the hook, i refuse to learn.
ever is a fucking liar.
and when he says that people say things about me, or that people don't care, or that people have chosen sides, i've learned enough in the past to know that it's always something he wanted to say himself, that he made come from the mouths of other people who didn't say the words at all.
i've gotten so mad at people, because of what he has told me. only to find out that it was misdirected anger.
and tonight is just one more example of that.
because i lack the self esteem necessary to rise above his bullshit, and to basically ignore what he says and find things out for myself, and because i don't want to put anyone in the middle by fact checking ('ever said...'), i do nothing. i say nothing.
and the way that i feel the majority of the time about those people is completely not based in reality.
it's the reality that he wants me to believe exists.
so i walk around feeling guilt, when really, i should feel better about myself and my decisions, and have a little faith that people can see outside of ever's worldview, and love me because i've loved them all for so long.
the two people that i cared most about losing in the divorce sent a message to me through another channel.
and i literally feel like a better person for it. they knew that she'd get the message to me. and it speaks volumes about the three of them.
so i am laying in bed with sticky eyes.
and even though i always say that i don't cry over ever, but over the collateral damage, it is just one more example of that.
i haven't had a cry that wasn't movie-based in such a long time.
especially not a full on heartbreaking cry.
and that changed tonight, even if it was short lived, and only for a couple minutes.
it was an overwhelming emotional response to the relief that i felt about it.
i had a good day.
despite going to bed so late, i managed to do all five loads of laundry. laundry day is kindof like going to the gym. i feel so fantastic when it's done, but it's impossible to make myself do it.
i'd gotten to the point in my wardrobe where only jeans that fall off of me and shirts i hate are clean. and i felt good after getting yesterday over with and writing most of the morning.
i was motivated to get out of bed and get things done.
so i did laundry.
and i'm laying in clean sheets, under a clean comforter, with an apartment that smelled like laundry from air drying sweaters on the doorframes.
it smelled like clean laundry in here until i cleaned the whole place.
i managed to eat a meal today, in the middle of the day.
then i did all my dishes while i talked to aubree about yesterday and caught up on her life.
and then tonight, early, i vacuumed the place and swiffered. so now i'm high on swiffer scent, padding around on clean floors.
pam and kim sent me home with stand-up dvds at work on friday, with specific instructions to watch them after the mediation, so i could relax and laugh it off.
i watched them both today while i was doing laundry, eating, and folding laundry afterwards.
and they were hysterical.
it was exactly what i needed, i just didn't know it.
i love watching stand-up. and after reading about kit's cable tv post, it made me realize how much better my life would be with comedy central in it.
it was interesting watching black stand-up, too. both comedians threw the n-word around like it was the word 'the', but aside from that, i love when they impersonate white people, and there was a lot of substance to the shows. it felt good to giggle. it felt good to laugh a lot. for three hours in total.
i like having an accomplished saturday, because then i feel like i can really enjoy and relax on sunday. before hitting the ground running on monday.
and i keep going back to the cat text.
i'd already decided to go to a show the next time i feel like it.
i'd already decided to go and do whatever i want once ever either takes the deal or doesn't.
i'd already decided to play around with online dating last week, but just haven't done it yet.
now that this is so close to being over with him, hopefully, i feel even more ready to go places that he may or may not be, where he has essentially banned me from being.
i have avoided it, in an effort to not inflame the situation. but i guess that when i get as mad at him for lying to me as i was a little while ago, it makes me want to go to every show with a different boy, and hope that he is there.
just to say a silent 'fuck you' to him. just so he can see that he is the only person in the room who hates me for showing up. just so he can see me happy. just to make him sad. just so he can realize that he doesn't control me anymore.
just so i can move on with the one piece of my life that i have let him retain control over.
it will be nice, whenever i grow the balls to actually go through with it.
and that sentence can be applied to going out, or to setting up an online dating account. either, or. or, both.
days like today make me feel so much better. and nights like tonight make me feel empowered.
to have gotten the worst part over with is a high unlike any i've felt in months. nine months of fear, and about three of total dread. and it's in my past now.
not that it's over. but the hardest part is. court is cake after yesterday.
i am mostly positive that he will do anything he can to not let it be over. in fact, he said something that reiterates that point yesterday. i forgot to write it in the post this morning.
after he said the thing about time being capped, lawyer said that he had hoped to have a signed agreement, and a signed acknowledgement of the divorce by the end of the mediation, but that ever had made it clear that wasn't going to happen. he said that he never received ever's edits in the mail. the ones he said he sent after requesting a second copy because the first one was in the trash.
and when he mentioned the divorce paperwork itself, ever said, 'oh. yeah. i have that. i won't be signing that until the property settlement is worked out.'
like i fucking care. all it keeps me from doing is getting married. which isn't going to happen for a long time, if ever again in this lifetime. and it complicates taking my maiden name, but i can get around that if i really want to.
but the fact that he thinks that he has some power, some hold over me, by refusing to sign that until he gets what he wants, materialistically? it's a fucking joke.
you know, last night, when i got home from my big night out, i thought of something.
when this whole thing is actually done with him. when he has signed the papers, and is officially a thing of the past, i'll start using his real name. not his full name. but just his first name. it's not one i have ever seen anyone else use before or since i met him.
and that will be one way that i can exact revenge on him. even if it is only to a small handful of readers who are nowhere near philadelphia.
it will serve as a sort of warning to anyone who stumbles upon this, and happens to meet him or know him or run into him.
like i said when i was in the throes of being alone in the beginning. if i can keep one person from feeling what i feel, i have succeeding at blogging. if one person can relate, and say 'i'm not alone - she went through it, too', then i have succeeded.
and if one person happens to google the right combination of words that includes his first name, they will stumble upon chronicled stories of the horrible person that my soon to be ex-husband is.
and even if no one finds it, or figures it out, knowing that it's out there waiting? that will be my revenge for the past year of my life.
i was digging in my backpack for a lighter to go bother landlord and have a late night cigarette.
and i ran into my work phone. and because i don't work on the weekend, i don't know what possessed me to pick it up and look at it.
but i had two text messages. one from kenna checking in on me post mediation.
and the other from cat, who works at suck store.
cat is in a band. i have yet to see them, because they usually work with people that ever knows, so i feel like it's off limits.
but cat texted me to tell me that my friends miss me.
the ones that ever was just telling me yesterday don't care to speak to me because i jumped ship.
and my eyes started to sting. and i thought, 'i'm going to cry'.
and it passed, but the feeling didn't.
because it's midnight, and despite the fact that she's probably totally awake right now, on the road and nocturnal, i just sent her a message on fb instead.
and i thanked her. and i started to cry.
i typed through blurry vision. telling her that it meant a lot to me. that it actually made me cry. because just yesterday ever told me that they don't care to communicate with me.
it's an old lesson that, like the worm on the hook, i refuse to learn.
ever is a fucking liar.
and when he says that people say things about me, or that people don't care, or that people have chosen sides, i've learned enough in the past to know that it's always something he wanted to say himself, that he made come from the mouths of other people who didn't say the words at all.
i've gotten so mad at people, because of what he has told me. only to find out that it was misdirected anger.
and tonight is just one more example of that.
because i lack the self esteem necessary to rise above his bullshit, and to basically ignore what he says and find things out for myself, and because i don't want to put anyone in the middle by fact checking ('ever said...'), i do nothing. i say nothing.
and the way that i feel the majority of the time about those people is completely not based in reality.
it's the reality that he wants me to believe exists.
so i walk around feeling guilt, when really, i should feel better about myself and my decisions, and have a little faith that people can see outside of ever's worldview, and love me because i've loved them all for so long.
the two people that i cared most about losing in the divorce sent a message to me through another channel.
and i literally feel like a better person for it. they knew that she'd get the message to me. and it speaks volumes about the three of them.
so i am laying in bed with sticky eyes.
and even though i always say that i don't cry over ever, but over the collateral damage, it is just one more example of that.
i haven't had a cry that wasn't movie-based in such a long time.
especially not a full on heartbreaking cry.
and that changed tonight, even if it was short lived, and only for a couple minutes.
it was an overwhelming emotional response to the relief that i felt about it.
i had a good day.
despite going to bed so late, i managed to do all five loads of laundry. laundry day is kindof like going to the gym. i feel so fantastic when it's done, but it's impossible to make myself do it.
i'd gotten to the point in my wardrobe where only jeans that fall off of me and shirts i hate are clean. and i felt good after getting yesterday over with and writing most of the morning.
i was motivated to get out of bed and get things done.
so i did laundry.
and i'm laying in clean sheets, under a clean comforter, with an apartment that smelled like laundry from air drying sweaters on the doorframes.
it smelled like clean laundry in here until i cleaned the whole place.
i managed to eat a meal today, in the middle of the day.
then i did all my dishes while i talked to aubree about yesterday and caught up on her life.
and then tonight, early, i vacuumed the place and swiffered. so now i'm high on swiffer scent, padding around on clean floors.
pam and kim sent me home with stand-up dvds at work on friday, with specific instructions to watch them after the mediation, so i could relax and laugh it off.
i watched them both today while i was doing laundry, eating, and folding laundry afterwards.
and they were hysterical.
it was exactly what i needed, i just didn't know it.
i love watching stand-up. and after reading about kit's cable tv post, it made me realize how much better my life would be with comedy central in it.
it was interesting watching black stand-up, too. both comedians threw the n-word around like it was the word 'the', but aside from that, i love when they impersonate white people, and there was a lot of substance to the shows. it felt good to giggle. it felt good to laugh a lot. for three hours in total.
i like having an accomplished saturday, because then i feel like i can really enjoy and relax on sunday. before hitting the ground running on monday.
and i keep going back to the cat text.
i'd already decided to go to a show the next time i feel like it.
i'd already decided to go and do whatever i want once ever either takes the deal or doesn't.
i'd already decided to play around with online dating last week, but just haven't done it yet.
now that this is so close to being over with him, hopefully, i feel even more ready to go places that he may or may not be, where he has essentially banned me from being.
i have avoided it, in an effort to not inflame the situation. but i guess that when i get as mad at him for lying to me as i was a little while ago, it makes me want to go to every show with a different boy, and hope that he is there.
just to say a silent 'fuck you' to him. just so he can see that he is the only person in the room who hates me for showing up. just so he can see me happy. just to make him sad. just so he can realize that he doesn't control me anymore.
just so i can move on with the one piece of my life that i have let him retain control over.
it will be nice, whenever i grow the balls to actually go through with it.
and that sentence can be applied to going out, or to setting up an online dating account. either, or. or, both.
days like today make me feel so much better. and nights like tonight make me feel empowered.
to have gotten the worst part over with is a high unlike any i've felt in months. nine months of fear, and about three of total dread. and it's in my past now.
not that it's over. but the hardest part is. court is cake after yesterday.
i am mostly positive that he will do anything he can to not let it be over. in fact, he said something that reiterates that point yesterday. i forgot to write it in the post this morning.
after he said the thing about time being capped, lawyer said that he had hoped to have a signed agreement, and a signed acknowledgement of the divorce by the end of the mediation, but that ever had made it clear that wasn't going to happen. he said that he never received ever's edits in the mail. the ones he said he sent after requesting a second copy because the first one was in the trash.
and when he mentioned the divorce paperwork itself, ever said, 'oh. yeah. i have that. i won't be signing that until the property settlement is worked out.'
like i fucking care. all it keeps me from doing is getting married. which isn't going to happen for a long time, if ever again in this lifetime. and it complicates taking my maiden name, but i can get around that if i really want to.
but the fact that he thinks that he has some power, some hold over me, by refusing to sign that until he gets what he wants, materialistically? it's a fucking joke.
you know, last night, when i got home from my big night out, i thought of something.
when this whole thing is actually done with him. when he has signed the papers, and is officially a thing of the past, i'll start using his real name. not his full name. but just his first name. it's not one i have ever seen anyone else use before or since i met him.
and that will be one way that i can exact revenge on him. even if it is only to a small handful of readers who are nowhere near philadelphia.
it will serve as a sort of warning to anyone who stumbles upon this, and happens to meet him or know him or run into him.
like i said when i was in the throes of being alone in the beginning. if i can keep one person from feeling what i feel, i have succeeding at blogging. if one person can relate, and say 'i'm not alone - she went through it, too', then i have succeeded.
and if one person happens to google the right combination of words that includes his first name, they will stumble upon chronicled stories of the horrible person that my soon to be ex-husband is.
and even if no one finds it, or figures it out, knowing that it's out there waiting? that will be my revenge for the past year of my life.
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