numb again. january 16th.

it's hard to say what i feel, except to say that maybe i feel nothing.

perhaps a little sad, but not really. and not for any reason at all.

what i can say is that pandora modest mouse channel fucking rules.

i have had radiohead 'just' in my head for days. all because ever did this to himself.

i don't have to do anything, because it will take care of itself.

but in addition to that, i was listening to pinback last night during my sleeplessness, thinking of which song to put on my next mix. pandora picked 'good to sea'. and that is also all too appropriate.

not to mention, reminding me that i need matt & kim. and this song by someone named matt nathanson that was awesome. and throwing in mia was a nice treat, even if it didn't fit the mix. and then 'here comes the sun' which will always be nina teaching me the beatles in 6th grade, making a handdrawn filmstrip about zeus. and band of horses, whose singer's voice makes me swoon. and built to spill who i only ever saw live once, with modest mouse. one of the best shows of my life. i drove from florida to atlanta for that show. and it was worth every second and every penny.

the winter comp is coming together.

the fall mix has been done but not shared.

in talking to kenna, she said something about listening to music on the way to the mediation that prepared me.

and i already had set that up. i was listening to the dark sky mix. and when tori 'sorta fairytale' came on, i sang at the top of my lungs on the interstate, and fought tears because of how that song makes me feel, but how fantastically relative the words are to my situation. this sadness that comes from a place of thinking that things would be okay and permanent, and then realizing that the silver lining is quickly disappearing in the sunset of a relationship.

mostly my words, not hers. but the sentiment is there. absolutely.

and i knew, leaving the office in wilmington on a drive that should have taken an hour according to the pin i dropped, but that i was smarter than, knowing it would take an hour and a half, that i would have time to start my fall mix.

and that i knew that when i finally made it through germantown to the office, that 'it's my life' would be playing.

and sure as shit, it was.

i think that last night was the way it was because of a few things. it stems from the place where everything is on the right track. where i'm being proactive and doing what i need to do. where the stars align, even when i can't see them in this big city. and where i feel better about all the choices i have made and will make.

i get this energy, i don't know where from, because i am always tired, that is unstoppable. and yes, the fact that i tried to limit myself to only one beer last night was really probably ultimately to blame, i am back again. in the manic phase. where music is perfect and strikes a fire deep inside my head.

and if i had written not a post, but more of a short story, i bet it would have been fantastic, because when i'm in this phase, writing just happens for me. and there's a lot of it. as can be deduced from the fact that i've been posting two a day for the past couple/few days.

i fought it, though, in an effort to try to sleep. and i tried to turn my brain off by watching a retarded amount of shit on netflix. dexter mostly saved me, but also made me a little extra alert to the sounds of my neighbor coming home and making noise that sounded like it was coming from inside my apartment. that delightful paranoia that defines me.

and yeah, i could probably do without the food i just made for myself, only because i'm not hungry. but i've had such a lack of appetite the last few stressful days that it seemed like what i should be doing. i ate lunch when i wasn't hungry, so why not dinner, too?

and today i made up for the time slacking that i lost yesterday. i laid in bed for a while, got up and got dressed for a smoke. and watched a few dexters back to back and then started the slaughter rule to stare at ryan gosling's delicious self. sometimes i wish i was an actress, just so i could star opposite him. because everyone knows that even actors forget sometimes that they're acting. on screen chemistry becomes real life chemistry. and it usually never works. but i'd love to give that a whirl. even if it didn't last through the premiere.

* * *

and one phone call changes everything. one phone call makes me feel ways that i didn't think possible.

one phone call makes me change things in an instant.

ever texted me and said he had something he needed to tell me on the phone and could i please call him.

my heart sank.

i thought he was going to tell me that my puppy died.

and when he answered it took so long for him to say what he had to say that i really thought it was about her.

but it wasn't.

i guess in the way that timing is a fucking bitch, on friday, his grandmother was moved into hospice.

she gave up on living because his grandfather died last easter and she didn't want to live without him.

she fell and went to the hospital. and caught pneumonia. and has maybe three days to live.

and he can't get home because he doesn't have the money.

i am crying my eyes out. was on the phone, then to my own mom, now while i chat with nina about it.

it's this shift from hate to empathy. completely overwhelming.

court on tuesday, which will probably be the day she dies, and i don't even want him to be here for it.

yeah. he fucked up. he's a dickhead who can't handle his money. but i guess the part of me that thought he was just holding out on paying shit now knows that he can't even get home to say goodbye.

what's even more insane? if i had it, i'd fork it over to him. in a heartbeat. because if i couldn't say goodbye to my grandma over money? i'd fucking flip out.

you can't take this back.

not to mention, it's just now hitting me. but his family would hate my fucking guts if he didn't get home because of my hearing.

i don't know.

i know that i should just be tough. keep saying what i've been saying. he did this to himself, and he is sitting in it now.

had he told me he needed help instead of being secretive and trying to prove something, he'd be able to take care of himself.

and leave it to me to think that i can help. that i can swoop in and fix this. that i can make something better for him.

what a 180. seriously. 30 minutes ago, loathing, seething. now? i'm still weepy about it.

it's just so crazy. to not see him for however long, seven months. then the bank. then the meeting. and now this.

his poor mom. they've always had a rough go of it. his dad, then his sister, then his grandpa, now her. she's the last one left for him, and he spent a lot of time with her growing up.

man. i can't shake the weepies.

kit's on her way to meet me at favorite bar. i need to get out of the apartment. but i don't want to cry at the bar.

whatever. i'll snap out of it.

it's just surreal and overwhelming.

offering to help might show him that i'm not trying to fuck him over, i'm just trying to get us out of the situation we're in. that he got us into.

i just want out. i've been saying it for months. and now having to go through this shit at the same time is really going to suck for him. but it cannot be helped.

i have got to get up.

i have got to move.

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