sticky eyes. january 16th, technically.

something happened. just before midnight.

i was digging in my backpack for a lighter to go bother landlord and have a late night cigarette.

and i ran into my work phone. and because i don't work on the weekend, i don't know what possessed me to pick it up and look at it.

but i had two text messages. one from kenna checking in on me post mediation.

and the other from cat, who works at suck store.

cat is in a band. i have yet to see them, because they usually work with people that ever knows, so i feel like it's off limits.

but cat texted me to tell me that my friends miss me.

the ones that ever was just telling me yesterday don't care to speak to me because i jumped ship.

and my eyes started to sting. and i thought, 'i'm going to cry'.

and it passed, but the feeling didn't.

because it's midnight, and despite the fact that she's probably totally awake right now, on the road and nocturnal, i just sent her a message on fb instead.

and i thanked her. and i started to cry.

i typed through blurry vision. telling her that it meant a lot to me. that it actually made me cry. because just yesterday ever told me that they don't care to communicate with me.

it's an old lesson that, like the worm on the hook, i refuse to learn.

ever is a fucking liar.

and when he says that people say things about me, or that people don't care, or that people have chosen sides, i've learned enough in the past to know that it's always something he wanted to say himself, that he made come from the mouths of other people who didn't say the words at all.

i've gotten so mad at people, because of what he has told me. only to find out that it was misdirected anger.

and tonight is just one more example of that.

because i lack the self esteem necessary to rise above his bullshit, and to basically ignore what he says and find things out for myself, and because i don't want to put anyone in the middle by fact checking ('ever said...'), i do nothing. i say nothing.

and the way that i feel the majority of the time about those people is completely not based in reality.

it's the reality that he wants me to believe exists.

so i walk around feeling guilt, when really, i should feel better about myself and my decisions, and have a little faith that people can see outside of ever's worldview, and love me because i've loved them all for so long.

the two people that i cared most about losing in the divorce sent a message to me through another channel.

and i literally feel like a better person for it. they knew that she'd get the message to me. and it speaks volumes about the three of them.

so i am laying in bed with sticky eyes.

and even though i always say that i don't cry over ever, but over the collateral damage, it is just one more example of that.

i haven't had a cry that wasn't movie-based in such a long time.

especially not a full on heartbreaking cry.

and that changed tonight, even if it was short lived, and only for a couple minutes.

it was an overwhelming emotional response to the relief that i felt about it.

i had a good day.

despite going to bed so late, i managed to do all five loads of laundry. laundry day is kindof like going to the gym. i feel so fantastic when it's done, but it's impossible to make myself do it.

i'd gotten to the point in my wardrobe where only jeans that fall off of me and shirts i hate are clean. and i felt good after getting yesterday over with and writing most of the morning.

i was motivated to get out of bed and get things done.

so i did laundry.

and i'm laying in clean sheets, under a clean comforter, with an apartment that smelled like laundry from air drying sweaters on the doorframes.

it smelled like clean laundry in here until i cleaned the whole place.

i managed to eat a meal today, in the middle of the day.

then i did all my dishes while i talked to aubree about yesterday and caught up on her life.

and then tonight, early, i vacuumed the place and swiffered. so now i'm high on swiffer scent, padding around on clean floors.

pam and kim sent me home with stand-up dvds at work on friday, with specific instructions to watch them after the mediation, so i could relax and laugh it off.

i watched them both today while i was doing laundry, eating, and folding laundry afterwards.

and they were hysterical.

it was exactly what i needed, i just didn't know it.

i love watching stand-up. and after reading about kit's cable tv post, it made me realize how much better my life would be with comedy central in it.

it was interesting watching black stand-up, too. both comedians threw the n-word around like it was the word 'the', but aside from that, i love when they impersonate white people, and there was a lot of substance to the shows. it felt good to giggle. it felt good to laugh a lot. for three hours in total.

i like having an accomplished saturday, because then i feel like i can really enjoy and relax on sunday. before hitting the ground running on monday.

and i keep going back to the cat text.

i'd already decided to go to a show the next time i feel like it.

i'd already decided to go and do whatever i want once ever either takes the deal or doesn't.

i'd already decided to play around with online dating last week, but just haven't done it yet.

now that this is so close to being over with him, hopefully, i feel even more ready to go places that he may or may not be, where he has essentially banned me from being.

i have avoided it, in an effort to not inflame the situation. but i guess that when i get as mad at him for lying to me as i was a little while ago, it makes me want to go to every show with a different boy, and hope that he is there.

just to say a silent 'fuck you' to him. just so he can see that he is the only person in the room who hates me for showing up. just so he can see me happy. just to make him sad. just so he can realize that he doesn't control me anymore.

just so i can move on with the one piece of my life that i have let him retain control over.

it will be nice, whenever i grow the balls to actually go through with it.

and that sentence can be applied to going out, or to setting up an online dating account. either, or. or, both.

days like today make me feel so much better. and nights like tonight make me feel empowered.

to have gotten the worst part over with is a high unlike any i've felt in months. nine months of fear, and about three of total dread. and it's in my past now.

not that it's over. but the hardest part is. court is cake after yesterday.

i am mostly positive that he will do anything he can to not let it be over. in fact, he said something that reiterates that point yesterday. i forgot to write it in the post this morning.

after he said the thing about time being capped, lawyer said that he had hoped to have a signed agreement, and a signed acknowledgement of the divorce by the end of the mediation, but that ever had made it clear that wasn't going to happen. he said that he never received ever's edits in the mail. the ones he said he sent after requesting a second copy because the first one was in the trash.

and when he mentioned the divorce paperwork itself, ever said, 'oh. yeah. i have that. i won't be signing that until the property settlement is worked out.'

like i fucking care. all it keeps me from doing is getting married. which isn't going to happen for a long time, if ever again in this lifetime. and it complicates taking my maiden name, but i can get around that if i really want to.

but the fact that he thinks that he has some power, some hold over me, by refusing to sign that until he gets what he wants, materialistically? it's a fucking joke.

you know, last night, when i got home from my big night out, i thought of something.

when this whole thing is actually done with him. when he has signed the papers, and is officially a thing of the past, i'll start using his real name. not his full name. but just his first name. it's not one i have ever seen anyone else use before or since i met him.

and that will be one way that i can exact revenge on him. even if it is only to a small handful of readers who are nowhere near philadelphia.

it will serve as a sort of warning to anyone who stumbles upon this, and happens to meet him or know him or run into him.

like i said when i was in the throes of being alone in the beginning. if i can keep one person from feeling what i feel, i have succeeding at blogging. if one person can relate, and say 'i'm not alone - she went through it, too', then i have succeeded.

and if one person happens to google the right combination of words that includes his first name, they will stumble upon chronicled stories of the horrible person that my soon to be ex-husband is.

and even if no one finds it, or figures it out, knowing that it's out there waiting? that will be my revenge for the past year of my life.

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