head cold. january 18th.

i don't know why i'm so angry and nervous this morning.

maybe because i am sick. fucking AGAIN. sinus pressure and sneezing. feeling shitty and cloudy headed.

maybe it's because i feel like lawyer is letting ever dictate what happens, instead of me. his client.

i made a judgement call based on ever's information. and how things have changed three times with phone calls between the two of them, i cannot wrap my head around. and how i'm now the one out of the loop, i don't get it.

yesterday, when i left work, court was canceled and i didn't have to be there today. today, i got to work and checked my old email account. and lawyer had sent an email there, for the first time ever. so i didn't get it until today. saying that if the continuance is denied, we have to go to court.

what. the. fuck.

i emailed him yesterday specifically to make sure i didn't have to be there today. and because i've already taken two weeks off, unpaid, and i need to work if i can. i'll already have to take a day to either go to court or sign the agreement, whichever the case may be.

so now i'm way the fuck out of the city, and have no backup plan if i have to leave, because i gave cat the day off.

expect the worst? be ready to report to court? you're 'on call'?


mostly, i think i'm upset because everything feels like it is getting all kinds of fucked up.

the house yesterday was unsettling. i mean, it was quick and painless for me, which surprised the realtor, who expected an emotional reaction from being back in a shared space that had completely changed from the last time i was in it. well, in the upstairs, six or seven months ago. it's something that she's familiar with, from going into her old space where her ex stayed. and said it's a very hard thing to do for most people. but not for me. for me, it was angering. to see the house trashed, dirty, junkpiled. it pissed me off.

but things that happened while i was there, things ever said, were unsettling.

for one, he wasn't there, so i saw some guy walking around, after he had said one girl was crashing there sometimes. when ever did walk in, he was carrying this clear plastic bag of food and was drinking an iced coffee, which really surprised me.

i was totally distracted by the bag. by what was in it, because i couldn't tell.

but when we made our way into the kitchen to discuss the lawyer (in front of the realtor, i might add), he started unloading it. and because i work in a coffee shop, i recognized it as being the food that gets thrown away at closing.

i had explained to the realtor that he is really good at getting something for nothing. and apparently, he doesn't go to the grocery store. he goes to some cafe in the neighborhood and takes their old food home to eat.

i understand it.

it made me sad for him.

and maybe that was part of his plan. without saying a word, he said 'i have no money for food, so i brought home this free food that was going to be trash'.

point taken.

not my problem.

that's the thing... so much could be avoided for him, if he would just fucking WORK. if he would just get a job. and work for a living.

i went out last night, after a phone call to my parents that ran way over, and i stopped writing. when i came home from dinner out with lauren, i went straight to bed and couldn't keep my eyes open, i was so tired.

so that's why the post i started ended so abruptly.

i had a lot more to say about it, and i knew that today i'd have time to write things out.

part of this is because i feel like he decided to wait this fucking long to talk about shit. and that is his fault. he had so many chances to call lawyer before now. he's been trying to get him to since july, then august, then september, then november, then december.

and why he waited until a few days before the hearing to talk is beyond me.

and i guess that now that he is talking to me, he just can't shut up. just because he called me after emailing lawyer and calling lawyer, he has now called me every day.

he waited six months to speak to me. and now he is calling every day?

i understand that we have things to talk about.

but that is why i hired a lawyer.

to do my talking for me. to deal with ever's shenanigans because i'd had my fill by the time i went home this summer.

and because of ever deciding he wanted mediation, and my wanting to get the shit over with, my lawyer retainer is gone now. so $1900 later, i'm still at a standstill. and i have no clue how the fuck i'm going to pay more money, and he's asking for it now.

i want ever to pay the fucking mortgage. so i don't feel like a retard for getting the continuance and offering to pay for his ticket home. for having a heart. despite the fact that he doesn't appear to have a heart, and thinks there is nothing wrong with ignoring the fact that she died, and that this is the best and most appropriate time to negotiate our divorce.

what else was there to write about from yesterday?

before we went into the kitchen, when it was just the two of us talking, he was trying to sell me on this aspect of taking over the house.

and i had already told him i didn't want to talk, like five times. but he just kept talking.

telling me how, now that the paralegal is back in the house, and willing to pay rent for 9 to 12 months, and now that he let the new guy put his stuff in the house without paying rent, to secure that he would be staying there, that i'd be collecting $1075 a month in rent. so for $200 a month (homeowners) and a third of utilities, i could live there or not live there, and be completely covered.

he was trying to tell me how wonderful it was. and because i was trying to be considerate, i didn't say 'if it's so fucking great, than why don't you want to make it work for yourself? how can you not have the money for the mortgage payment if everything is covered and living will be free?'

i just really think he is losing his mind. or that he did already. between that, and his whole 'i'll let the house go into foreclosure/not intentionally/don't care about the money/it's probably not going to be enough money to accept the offer' production, i just can't understand any of it, or his logic.


court got continued. so i didn't have to jump through 85 hoops by some miracle.

robbie brought a delivery here today, so i collected on my two hugs, two cheek kisses, and thanked him when he told me i smelled nice.

he was so tired that he was leaning on the counter while he talked to me, propping himself up. and the ice storm overnight wreaked havoc on his deliveries, so we really didn't get to talk too long, and i felt bad for thinking about asking him to take a picture with me.

i'll have to do it at the bakery, after he's had some sleep. someday. someday, i will prove that he is not a unicorn. that he is in fact a real person who is as wonderful as i say he is...

i am pretty much over the writing out of this thing.

i have now talked to kenna about it, to robbie about it, to kit about it, to lauren about it.

i think i've overprocessed. kinda like winding up with straw for hair after a bleaching session.

i think i'm done.

you know. until later today when the communicating starts.

then i'll have a whole new rash of shit to deal with and think about and write out...

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