i wondered when i was trying to fall asleep, what i would dream about.
and i don't know all of the dream now, but what i remember is that i met adrock from the beastie boys, and he became smitten with me, and hung around after a show that was in a back yard somewhere, with me, and then kissed me. only he looked like a cross between adrock and adam sandler. in any case, i had a cute famous jewish boyfriend in my sleep last night.
and saying as i haven't heard the beastie boys in a good long while, i have absolutely no idea where it came from.
so, today. suck store. sans lunch again. i really hate when i work here and forget my lunch. i get bored and want to eat. i'm really wanting food right now.
and i fell asleep and woke up and showered and got ready and drove here, all thinking about last night.
all thinking about everything kit had to say about it, and my mom had to say about it, and my dad had to say about it in the background, and nina had to say about it.
about the fact that he has lied and manipulated me so many times that i have a harder time believing him when he is supposedly being honest. he might actually need help. and though it is not by place or my problem to help him, i can't know for certain that he is telling the truth this time.
the emotional reaction on my end couldn't be helped. i couldn't squash it down. and in the moment, i wasn't even trying to. and i know that he has tried to make me cry on many occasions, by saying things that were awful and upsetting, just to get a reaction.
but for whatever reason, i feel like grandparents dying is like an untouchable thing. say what you want about friends and parents. say what you want about yourself especially. but faking a grandparent being on their deathbed? i just don't even know how a person with a conscience could do that. even ever.
if he is lying to me, i will physically harm him. kick him in the balls. punch him in the throat.
i understand why it's suspect to everyone else, and even to a lesser degree, to me.
i understand how he could be using this at this specific time to get out of court even if it is only temporary.
to delay the accepting or refusing of the agreement, to make my offer less hardhearted.
whatever. i get it.
i know how different i felt about him last night for that window of time when i was on the phone with him. and how i felt immediately after. and how i feel walking around today.
luckily kit got me out of my apartment. and had a beer with me. and warned me a million times over.
this morning on my way driving here, i thought of something. i remembered last night when we were walking toward each other, i was crying before i could tell her what was even wrong with me, and saying 'i just got off the phone with ever'.
and it reminded me of brownies using that exact quote to talk to me about all the times when i was dating him and she would hug me when i was crying because i had just talked to him.
it seems i've come full circle? right back to where i started with him.
last night, i said that i was pulling a bush. fool me eighteen times, shame on me.
and yes, it is possible that he is playing me.
and yes, it is even more likely that he could be exaggerating a situation to get an emotional response out of me, to make things easier on him.
and more likely still, it is possible that he is lying about something. it could be one of many aspects. that all the money he has is for the mortgage payment. that he doesn't have money to go home.
i know that other stress can create a false sense of grief conveyed through talking and silence. but he seemed so distraught. he had the sound in his voice that is reserved for genuine panic and anxiety, from a tired person who hasn't been sleeping. i know it well, from spending years with him.
and like i said, if he is acting or lying or exaggerating or pulling one over on me, he is doomed.
i think i know why i believed him last night.
i felt like he was confessing things to me last night. telling me that our friend drove him to the mediation. that he was sorry that he wasn't acting himself and that he was distracted. that he hadn't slept in days. that he didn't know what day it was. or when exactly things had happened with his grandmother. his voice when he finally said the words, and his silence before he spilled them out. telling me that she has 72 hours to live and that court was in 48 and that he didn't think he'd make it, but that he knows he can't miss court.
he didn't ask for anything. he didn't ask to postpone. he didn't ask for help with the ticket home. he didn't ask me not to come by today with the realtor. he didn't ask me to take care of the puppy if he goes.
but a few of them are things i offered to him.
i felt so bad for him that i said we could try to delay the hearing. that i would put his ticket on my credit card if his mom couldn't borrow the money. that i could check on the puppy if he needed me to.
and when he said sorry and when he said thanks, i believed him.
* * *
so as i was closing up at suck store, he called. and i answered. again.
he said that he didn't want court to be canceled or delayed. but lawyer had already filed a continuance. so whatever.
i guess i got short with him. because he was upset that it wasn't happening tomorrow.
and i don't remember the chain of conversation, but he said that his grandmother died this morning. the funeral will be saturday.
he said that he was blown away by my offer, and that in trying to talk to me now, he's just trying to think of the reasons we got married in the first place when he talks to me. and that my offer reminded him of how compassionate i am.
he asked if we could talk after the walkthrough with the realtor.
honestly, i don't want to talk about divorce negotiations on the day his grandmother died. and i guess he just is trying to stay focused and busy to not think about it. that dealing with his mother right now is too much.
and i said that i was riding there with her, and that i didn't want to talk tonight. and certainly not in front of her. i asked if he and puppy would be there, and he said yes, he wanted to tell us some things while we walked through.
i got off the phone with him saying i'd see him in a little while.
and we went.
and he wasn't there. but some other guy was. interesting, right off the bat.
so we went through, and it looked the same as when i was there before.
he came home as we were walking out.
so he said that, since we all took time off of work tomorrow for court, we should meet up then.
but i had already scheduled myself to work once i knew i wasn't going to court.
but didn't tell him that.
just said that i could talk to him in the afternoon after i talked to lawyer.
he asked if i was afraid to talk to him without the lawyer.
i am not. but i am also not wanting to get into the numbers without him around as a witness, if nothing else.
and he said that lawyer sounded burnt when he talked to him on the phone today.
i also found out that i have to pay $340 more asap, because the retainer has dwindled down to $160 after all the talking and mediation. which i knew. i actually thought it was already gone. but whatever.
so now, on top of that, i have to figure out that piece.
and i explained that he's not burnt out, but that he is probably trying to protect my money and keep things short with him because ever is spending my money by interacting with him.
he got mad because he didn't know that. and i only found out at 11 today, so it's not like i could have told him.
so he said he wouldn't talk to him, because he didn't know that.
i don't know.
it's so easy when i'm here alone, not seeing him. knowing exactly what i want to do.
and the kicker was, when we were about to leave, he started talking to me, and realtor left the room to take notes or whatever.
and he said that he had some ideas, and started explaining the situation with all the people's stuff that is in the house. despite saying no one was there.
whatever. his stories are great. i'll repeat them here.
so the girl has only been there a couple nights. he gave up his room for her and her kid to stay in while she works things out and mostly stays at her parents' house.
that he hasn't taken any rent from her.
the guy who was there is willing to sign a 9 to 12 month lease if that is the route i want to go. he let him move his stuff in before he paid rent because he wanted to ensure that he'd live there.
and the third guy just buried his dad, so he's been in kentucky dealing with that instead of living in the house.
whatever. it doesn't compute.
we'll see where tomorrow takes me. us. me.
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