yep.
day four = getting somewhere.
it's not perfect. but it is enough to keep me going.
i think the theme this weekend is encouragement.
maybe it's time for new mantras.
i am happy.
i am focused.
i am fun.
i am committed.
i am funny.
i am smart enough.
i am excited.
i am pleased with my life right now.
just promise to make me read this next week when i'm low again. these things tend to be fleeting. i'll ride this wave where it takes me.
right now it's taking me to the bar. for some stoli and diet.
... coffee.write.sleep.repeat will continue in a moment...
monumental day here.
well, night.
today was great. tonight was also great.
just like the other day in the car, listening to rage, today the first thing i played on the ipod was dr dre. again, felt like a badass. i did skip around more than i thought i wanted to. but it was rad regardless.
and i thought it was funny today when kit said she got unfriended by ever.
and i was showing her this thing on his page, something that i felt he was not the author of.
in any case, tonight, i sat down in front of the computer. tomorrow is his birthday.
well, technically now it is his birthday.
today when i got the car ipod jack set up, i bought ever a cd wallet for all of his cds that i pulled out of my cases.
i thought it a nice gesture. and i only justified it because it's his birthday. so i thought i could spend $26 on him.
and tonight, i noticed that his birthday warning was removed from my friend section. and i realized that he had unfriended me.
it was a relief. it did piss me off. but i had thought about it lately.
and i had him all but blocked anyway.
so, i did what any divorcing woman would do who was unfriended by her soon to be ex husband.
i changed my name. i dropped my married last name, so now it's just the first two names that i already had on there.
it was scary. i debated doing it. i really intended to wait until the divorce was filed.
but at this rate, maybe i file a name change first. i don't really know.
i've written about the speed with which i wish to become not his wife. and to no longer bear his last name.
and i'm sure he'll have some smart ass comment about whether the divorce was finalized or not, yet.
i do not fucking care. i sent him a message. it just said '36'.
it's a joke that he won't get. because he could never remember how old he was. so he'd always ask me. and i'd always tell him.
it also let him know that i know he is not my friend. i was going to post that anyway.
and it will also come up as being from one tea vee.
suck it, ever.
and then i watched intervention again. because i hadn't gotten enough crying out of my system today.
it's funny. i knew i'd cry when i watched say anything. and i knew i'd cry when i watched intervention. though they are very different types of crying.
say anything was the heartbroken wistful cry. not my broken heart, but theirs. when she gets into her car and cries. when he calls his sister in the rain. of course, the part with the radio.
intervention is the raw reaction i have to seeing grown men cry, more often than not. and the relief when the people go.
and i always cry at the very end when it says that they've been sober since such and such date.
because it's nice to see that there is hope. for at least a few people.
i should probably feel different.
but i'm supposed to eliminate the word should from my vocabulary.
that's right. the cat is out of the bag.
and now that he's not my friend, it will be pretty neat to see what people have to say. and to not worry about him seeing it. who will even notice, and who won't.
i don't know how long it was between the former roommate's name change and when i noticed it. the silent drop.
in a way it makes me want to be very low key, comment wise.
and in a way, it makes me want to jump up and down.
also, tonight was good because i figured out that my most trusted friend some days, pbr, is only 12 carbs.
suffice it to say that, like a lays chip, i can't have just one.
but knowing that once i go home, i can drink them and not feel bad about it. they even make pbr light. and that's cool, too. i still fear the beer belly. i'll keep it trashy. fair trade.
this time next week, i'll be under the stars. i'll be in a tent i pitched. i'll be happy. i'll feel different. i'll feel smaller. i'll feel in awe of the universe i live in.
this time next week, i'll have a lot more to be grateful for. i'll have a road trip under my belt. without ever. for the first time since new years with nate.
this time next week, i'll have two weeks until i go home.
this time next week, i'll try to have a mediator picked out. i'll try to have the paperwork drafted.
this time next week, i'll have a catering behind me.
this time next week, i'll have a better sense of my place in this world. this universe. on this planet. in this country. in this region. the five hour drive to higher elevation and cooler weather will be refreshing.
i'm too excited to sleep. it's 3 am. again. i woke up at 1230 today. i cannot do that tomorrow.
also, i've been toying with the idea of starting another blog.
i want to have something that is not so top secret.
this will remain my outlet for all things divorce related.
the other can be more for writing exercises and fiction, possibly.
i thought i'd call it one of the funny names i made up when my priorities were different.
good fortune. june 4th.
good day following a rough night.
so for a few days now, i was really stuck on the ever drama. i guess that is what drama is.
well, that and scrabble.
so when i got home from work yesterday, all i wanted to do was plug in.
and i did.
and then checked work email and remembered that i have a catering.
and had a wicked bad panic attack from about 1030 until well after 11. everything i had to do, everything i'd let fall to the wayside. i did something incredibly stupid at work. because i wasn't thinking. not worth getting into mundane details here, but i pissed off the dean of the school that i am working in. and i knew it could happen, and then i let it happen.
really stupid. caught a huge rash of shit for it, too.
figured that out right before remembering the catering.
so i made a huge list. a person one. and a work one. it took up a full sheet of paper.
and i woke up at 530 like i do every day now that i'm on that schedule. and i couldn't fall back asleep.
and i got up and started crossing things off my list.
i had such a good day. great day.
first, i had to take the car in. the service lady told me it would probably be $130 to have the a/c fixed because it isn't covered. they gave me a ride to work which was awesome.
got there to find out that the catering isn't monday as i had panicked thinking. it's tuesday. so now i'm really ahead, instead of being behind and totally fucked.
work was fine. got a lot accomplished. marked off like eight more things from the list.
then came home after waiting forever for the bus. literally, maybe forty minutes. which is ludicrous.
talked to my sister on my way home. while she was driving home to mom and dad's.
then got ready for a night out. a little prematurely. drove kit's car to pick her up, so she could take me to the car dealership.
got my car. bill was ZERO dollars.
fucking amazing.
with air conditioning.
it was so great. i didn't realize how upset i had been for the last months over it. until i turned it on and it worked. i giggled for at least three full minutes. it was stupendous.
we decided in the parking lot to go on a joint adventure to liberties.
so kit followed me in her car, parked my car for the show i'd promised a friend from work that i'd go to. he was in a band that i never made it out to see. but has a solo project that is a german rap parody.
went with her to a friend's graduation party after dropping off my car. then she brought me back.
and the show was hilarious. laughing the whole time. he was really funny. and entertaining. and convincing. it was great.
and i had decided to leave right after him. but the next band was setting up. and they were incredible but i couldn't stay for more than one song.
they're one of those bands whose live show is what makes them.
they had this whole midi sequence of the song 'jump', to the video of david lee roth doing his thing back in the early eighties. it was awesome.
and the whole time i kept thinking they were going to be all hype. and probably disappointing. maybe the fog machine and special lights made me think that.
but they weren't. they had this whole animated intro.
http://www.youtube.com/user/sunbearsmusic#p/a/u/1/Aw8z8B5UlCA
it spelled out their name. it was this little anime girl. they were a two piece. which always wins in my book. do more with less, right?. and the bass was super fuzzy, which i love. it almost sounded like keys.
but the whole thing on the screen while they played music that made me think of the apples in stereo, and which ben nailed when he said flaming lips, just made me think, 'i've had acid trips that looked like that.'
it made me trip out for a second. call it a flashback if you want.
but it was really cool. only my back was killing me. and my tooth was killing me. and i had to leave because i couldn't stand there anymore.
so i bought a cd and took ben's friend home.
see, this thing happened here two nights ago.
i knew something had happened from fb posts from a bar in liberties.
but i didn't know what. and then one of my employees told me the whole story at work yesterday morning.
some girl, almost 21. went to a bar. went to a friend's house after. biked home. was abducted from her doorstep.
strangled with her own bra. beaten horribly. stripped naked and raped. and left in an abandoned lot behind her house.
totally fucked up.
i thought the girl had just been attacked. i didn't know that she had died.
so when i got home today, waiting for kit, i was looking into it. to see if i knew her. the girl who told me knows friends of hers. i didn't know her and had never seen her around before.
anyways, i got kindof entrenched in it. read a ton of articles about it.
the whole city is talking about it. but especially that neighborhood. and where i was tonight was just a few blocks away.
it was really scary. and everyone in the neighborhood is talking about it. walking around with another friend, she was teaching me stuff she learned in her self defense class.
so when i met a friend of ben's, i told her i'd drop her off at home if we walked to my car together. and then ben walked with us for backup.
on my way home, this guy driving a convertible mercedes was driving all over the road. weaving like nothing i'd ever seen before. he had to have been completely black out drunk. i kept honking at him, because he nearly hit the car ahead of me. then me. then a bus. then a car ahead of me again.
if i hadn't had one drink, i would have called from the road, but couldn't do it. i wrote his tag down and was horrified when he got onto 95. super fucking scary.
came home. watched two episodes of intervention. which i'm obsessed with also. i think because i always kindof wanted to be in that type of work. no junkie wants to hear someone who has never been addicted tell them to come out of it, so i gave up on that thought. but i always have been fascinated with addiction.
so i watched four stories, and cried and loved it.
and then i logged into fb.
dear nina,
you already know that i love you.
but i'd like to take this opportunity to say thank you for starting that game of scrabble with coffee.
you're the best.
love, tea.
because i won that game.
but he started the next one.
what a nice thing to have waiting when i got home from the show.
i guess this is the thing...
i was really afraid to go out alone. so i kept flaking.
and then i sucked it up. and i went alone.
and it was so much FUN! i loved it.
which means that i'm encouraged to do it again. classic conditioning. thanks, pavlov.
and then a sweet reward at home.
got the car fixed for free. which made me happier beyond words.
tomorrow, i go to get the ipod jack installed in the car. because i have waited long enough. and because the road trip to dark sky park is next weekend!!
i'm knocking things off my list, which makes me feel like i'm getting somewhere.
i still have a lot to do.
i will, until i go home.
but taking care of things is good.
and i got paid today.
day three of atkins was pretty awesome. i mean, i'm dying for sweet things. and bread. and chips.
i don't miss the fries as much as i thought that i would.
mostly, sweet things while i'm at work. that damn apple fritter stares me down. every single day.
now here it is. almost three am.
maybe all it takes to put me back into manic mode is one really awesome night.
i hope i can sleep in tomorrow. i have my eye mask now. along with my earplugs i sleep with every night.
it should be pretty awesome.
i'm nearly certain that all of my bills are paid. so i'm going to make a credit card payment. which is great. and i'm also going to do the car thing. and buy contacts. stupid things. but they're on my list.
i love the feeling of freedom. freedom from ever's life. and lifestyle.
i love being able to get things that i want after i work really hard and get paid for it.
i love feeling like i'm already making an improvement to my body, even though it is intense and strange.
i guess the plan is to do atkins for two weeks. then slowly reintroduce carbs a week before i go home. along with going tot he gym. i just needed a kickstart. get rid of the beer belly. then hit the gym. so i'm in that mode when i go home. because mom and aubree both are gym rats. so it will be a great way to hang with them and do something to feel better about myself.
the skinny jeans are still tight. but not for long.
two weeks.
one week. then two weeks. then three weeks.
i am coming unglued i'm so excited.
to see nina again. and to have kit home. to see aubree and my parents.
to be poolside for fourteen glorious days.
to settle something that i've left unattended for too long.
to put it to rest.
though i really want to file before i leave, and feel that slowly slipping away from me.
i think that i will call the mediator on monday.
i have to. i don't like the people i can find online. i'm also waiting to hear from a friend whose fiancee just graduated from law school. he can't advise me because he also knows ever. but he can recommend his lawyer friends. and one of them will probably give me free advice.
maybe the one who i cleaned up after when he had too much to drink at their xmas party. or someone else who was there.
i don't know.
i will need some time alone tomorrow. but also will probably feel pretty wound up.
nate's dancing weekend has been put off indefinitely. and i've been squashing that down for a few weeks now, thinking he'd be here next week for the last few. so now i'm dying to go.
sleep. it is a long lost friend.
i hope i have nice dreams. and that i can stay asleep late to dream them.
but now, i'm tired. and thinking good thoughts.
so for a few days now, i was really stuck on the ever drama. i guess that is what drama is.
well, that and scrabble.
so when i got home from work yesterday, all i wanted to do was plug in.
and i did.
and then checked work email and remembered that i have a catering.
and had a wicked bad panic attack from about 1030 until well after 11. everything i had to do, everything i'd let fall to the wayside. i did something incredibly stupid at work. because i wasn't thinking. not worth getting into mundane details here, but i pissed off the dean of the school that i am working in. and i knew it could happen, and then i let it happen.
really stupid. caught a huge rash of shit for it, too.
figured that out right before remembering the catering.
so i made a huge list. a person one. and a work one. it took up a full sheet of paper.
and i woke up at 530 like i do every day now that i'm on that schedule. and i couldn't fall back asleep.
and i got up and started crossing things off my list.
i had such a good day. great day.
first, i had to take the car in. the service lady told me it would probably be $130 to have the a/c fixed because it isn't covered. they gave me a ride to work which was awesome.
got there to find out that the catering isn't monday as i had panicked thinking. it's tuesday. so now i'm really ahead, instead of being behind and totally fucked.
work was fine. got a lot accomplished. marked off like eight more things from the list.
then came home after waiting forever for the bus. literally, maybe forty minutes. which is ludicrous.
talked to my sister on my way home. while she was driving home to mom and dad's.
then got ready for a night out. a little prematurely. drove kit's car to pick her up, so she could take me to the car dealership.
got my car. bill was ZERO dollars.
fucking amazing.
with air conditioning.
it was so great. i didn't realize how upset i had been for the last months over it. until i turned it on and it worked. i giggled for at least three full minutes. it was stupendous.
we decided in the parking lot to go on a joint adventure to liberties.
so kit followed me in her car, parked my car for the show i'd promised a friend from work that i'd go to. he was in a band that i never made it out to see. but has a solo project that is a german rap parody.
went with her to a friend's graduation party after dropping off my car. then she brought me back.
and the show was hilarious. laughing the whole time. he was really funny. and entertaining. and convincing. it was great.
and i had decided to leave right after him. but the next band was setting up. and they were incredible but i couldn't stay for more than one song.
they're one of those bands whose live show is what makes them.
they had this whole midi sequence of the song 'jump', to the video of david lee roth doing his thing back in the early eighties. it was awesome.
and the whole time i kept thinking they were going to be all hype. and probably disappointing. maybe the fog machine and special lights made me think that.
but they weren't. they had this whole animated intro.
http://www.youtube.com/user/sunbearsmusic#p/a/u/1/Aw8z8B5UlCA
it spelled out their name. it was this little anime girl. they were a two piece. which always wins in my book. do more with less, right?. and the bass was super fuzzy, which i love. it almost sounded like keys.
but the whole thing on the screen while they played music that made me think of the apples in stereo, and which ben nailed when he said flaming lips, just made me think, 'i've had acid trips that looked like that.'
it made me trip out for a second. call it a flashback if you want.
but it was really cool. only my back was killing me. and my tooth was killing me. and i had to leave because i couldn't stand there anymore.
so i bought a cd and took ben's friend home.
see, this thing happened here two nights ago.
i knew something had happened from fb posts from a bar in liberties.
but i didn't know what. and then one of my employees told me the whole story at work yesterday morning.
some girl, almost 21. went to a bar. went to a friend's house after. biked home. was abducted from her doorstep.
strangled with her own bra. beaten horribly. stripped naked and raped. and left in an abandoned lot behind her house.
totally fucked up.
i thought the girl had just been attacked. i didn't know that she had died.
so when i got home today, waiting for kit, i was looking into it. to see if i knew her. the girl who told me knows friends of hers. i didn't know her and had never seen her around before.
anyways, i got kindof entrenched in it. read a ton of articles about it.
the whole city is talking about it. but especially that neighborhood. and where i was tonight was just a few blocks away.
it was really scary. and everyone in the neighborhood is talking about it. walking around with another friend, she was teaching me stuff she learned in her self defense class.
so when i met a friend of ben's, i told her i'd drop her off at home if we walked to my car together. and then ben walked with us for backup.
on my way home, this guy driving a convertible mercedes was driving all over the road. weaving like nothing i'd ever seen before. he had to have been completely black out drunk. i kept honking at him, because he nearly hit the car ahead of me. then me. then a bus. then a car ahead of me again.
if i hadn't had one drink, i would have called from the road, but couldn't do it. i wrote his tag down and was horrified when he got onto 95. super fucking scary.
came home. watched two episodes of intervention. which i'm obsessed with also. i think because i always kindof wanted to be in that type of work. no junkie wants to hear someone who has never been addicted tell them to come out of it, so i gave up on that thought. but i always have been fascinated with addiction.
so i watched four stories, and cried and loved it.
and then i logged into fb.
dear nina,
you already know that i love you.
but i'd like to take this opportunity to say thank you for starting that game of scrabble with coffee.
you're the best.
love, tea.
because i won that game.
but he started the next one.
what a nice thing to have waiting when i got home from the show.
i guess this is the thing...
i was really afraid to go out alone. so i kept flaking.
and then i sucked it up. and i went alone.
and it was so much FUN! i loved it.
which means that i'm encouraged to do it again. classic conditioning. thanks, pavlov.
and then a sweet reward at home.
got the car fixed for free. which made me happier beyond words.
tomorrow, i go to get the ipod jack installed in the car. because i have waited long enough. and because the road trip to dark sky park is next weekend!!
i'm knocking things off my list, which makes me feel like i'm getting somewhere.
i still have a lot to do.
i will, until i go home.
but taking care of things is good.
and i got paid today.
day three of atkins was pretty awesome. i mean, i'm dying for sweet things. and bread. and chips.
i don't miss the fries as much as i thought that i would.
mostly, sweet things while i'm at work. that damn apple fritter stares me down. every single day.
now here it is. almost three am.
maybe all it takes to put me back into manic mode is one really awesome night.
i hope i can sleep in tomorrow. i have my eye mask now. along with my earplugs i sleep with every night.
it should be pretty awesome.
i'm nearly certain that all of my bills are paid. so i'm going to make a credit card payment. which is great. and i'm also going to do the car thing. and buy contacts. stupid things. but they're on my list.
i love the feeling of freedom. freedom from ever's life. and lifestyle.
i love being able to get things that i want after i work really hard and get paid for it.
i love feeling like i'm already making an improvement to my body, even though it is intense and strange.
i guess the plan is to do atkins for two weeks. then slowly reintroduce carbs a week before i go home. along with going tot he gym. i just needed a kickstart. get rid of the beer belly. then hit the gym. so i'm in that mode when i go home. because mom and aubree both are gym rats. so it will be a great way to hang with them and do something to feel better about myself.
the skinny jeans are still tight. but not for long.
two weeks.
one week. then two weeks. then three weeks.
i am coming unglued i'm so excited.
to see nina again. and to have kit home. to see aubree and my parents.
to be poolside for fourteen glorious days.
to settle something that i've left unattended for too long.
to put it to rest.
though i really want to file before i leave, and feel that slowly slipping away from me.
i think that i will call the mediator on monday.
i have to. i don't like the people i can find online. i'm also waiting to hear from a friend whose fiancee just graduated from law school. he can't advise me because he also knows ever. but he can recommend his lawyer friends. and one of them will probably give me free advice.
maybe the one who i cleaned up after when he had too much to drink at their xmas party. or someone else who was there.
i don't know.
i will need some time alone tomorrow. but also will probably feel pretty wound up.
nate's dancing weekend has been put off indefinitely. and i've been squashing that down for a few weeks now, thinking he'd be here next week for the last few. so now i'm dying to go.
sleep. it is a long lost friend.
i hope i have nice dreams. and that i can stay asleep late to dream them.
but now, i'm tired. and thinking good thoughts.
territorial pissings. june 3rd.
alright.
i'll take that DRINK now.
so. this is good... after i responded to that ridiculous email i got from ever, i got one back today.
and i called it that night at the bar with kit. i guess it was two days ago.
one thing i called was that he is blowing smoke up my ass. that i don't believe a word he says. and that as menacing as he's trying to be, i don't think he is actually doing anything. i think he's just trying to scare me and manipulate me.
because last night, i had an email from staples. thanking me for my order of a pack of standard lease agreements.
i was seriously tempted to go to the house today, and ask to sign the leases that he'd already signed last week from the neighborhood property management company without me.
because they don't fucking exist.
the second thing i called was him responding to the joke i made about the lesbians kicking my ass. i said to them, 'you watch. he's going to say he never said that, and that it's all in my head, and that i'm making it up.' because this would be the third time those words came from his mouth.
so i was thinking about all of that today. then got home tonight and checked my email.
and this sets me off more than anything so far, i think.
because it's personal.
he's now launching a different kind of attack. he's territorializing our friends.
i was going to condense the email he wrote me. but i just went ahead and copied it here, changing details for his anonymity's sake.
for your reading pleasure:
'I'm still waiting to meet up with (the realtor).
I don't know anyone who wants to beat you up lesbian,straight or otherwise.
As for the (event) I would really prefer you not go. That would be like me just showing up at (the regatta) to see my in laws instead of respecting your time with them and attempting to make separate arrangements to see them.
Whether it matters to you or not my friends are my family and I am looking forward to having a great time with them at the show and I wouldn't be able to do that knowing that you were there.
You needed your space from me and I let you go without a fight.
All I'm asking of you is for you to not purposely make plans to be somewhere that you know I'll be.
Ever'
to which i replied:
'oh, you had told me there were a bunch of lesbians who hated me and wanted to kick my ass a while back, when they were taking you out with them a lot. i guess you forgot you had told me that. it was a dumb joke anyway.
i didn't know you were going to the (event) for certain. you didn't go to any for a long time, so i didn't assume that you go to every one now. i didn't realize that i wasn't permitted to go to (events), so i'll make separate arrangements to see jay and matt as you request. or you can tell me if there's (an event) that you know you're not going to, so i can still see them.
or if you go (out of state), just let me know that, too. i can always go there to see them, i will assume you'll never be there.
as for you seeing my family, that wasn't separate from me. i was willing to be a big girl and not worry about how i felt or how it would make me feel, so that you could see the family that still loves you.
and i also tried to help you put it together with them, so that everyone could get what they wanted, even if i really didn't want to see you at all. at least if you'd shown up to the regatta, you could have seen them.
but you aren't interested in rowing anyway, so that wouldn't have made much sense for you to go. it's kinda different from going to (an event) at a bar. but i get what you're telling me, and i guess i should respect that.
let me know what (the realtor) says. and the broker.
and let me know if/when you need to close my email account, so i can get everything switched over.
and staples keeps sending order info and coupons to my email. you might want to change it so it emails them to you.'
yeah. suck it, ever.
i've been sitting on the dating site information for a while, without letting him know that i know. and it fucking KILLS me to try to hold a card.
but the staples leases? that was just too good to let go. i'm dying to make his face go hot. to make him squirm. to let him know that i know that he is full of shit. and all talk.
which i also called. just yesterday in my post, i believe...
what an asshole.
what an idiot.
i've already switched most things over from his email. and obviously i'm not telling him about my new email account.
if he shut it down now, i'd be bummed. but not devastated like i would have been a week ago.
i thought the big girl part was a nice touch. because he's being a big fucking baby.
let's just reflect back to pre-january days. when i was writing about him never leaving the fucking house. never going to any events with me. because he'd get too stoned to pick his fat ass up off the couch and go. much less, clean himself and change his clothes and go somewhere.
so for me to think that he is at every single event wouldn't be reasonable. but i guess that he's changing like i am.
and he can't hook up with girls who are into guys who do what it is that he does, though i wouldn't call it 'for a living', if i am there.
i've never been to that place before. but i'm guessing it's probably big enough that he could be in one place and i could be in another and he'd never even know that i was there.
but fuck him. i don't want to see him any more than he wants to see me. but to banish me from events because he wouldn't be able to have fun if i was there? really??
i'll just go when i visit nate. or drive out of town to see them.
you know, before when we had this discussion about going to events, all he said was that he didn't want to see me with a boy at an event. because that is what he cannot handle.
maybe i start showing up with a new boyfriend who has a dog at the dog park when i know he'll be there.
that's about the only place that i know he goes.
what a shithead.
i'm not even that mean.
i certainly wouldn't use someone just to upset him.
like the way he is using mutual friends to upset me.
leaving feels imminent. i haven't even made it a month in my own apartment before i want to move states away.
nina warns that if i do leave in a year, it might make this whole thing seem like a dream.
i wondered for a minute why exactly that would mean that it would be a bad thing. but she's right.
i do need to own this. i do need to go through it and feel it. and i cannot pretend like it never happened.
just like i can't run away from my problems. figuratively or literally.
i'll just defect to canada next spring when palin announces she's running for president. who's in? anyone with me?
man.
seriously? cigarette.
and after that? a stiff one. drink, i mean...
i'll take that DRINK now.
so. this is good... after i responded to that ridiculous email i got from ever, i got one back today.
and i called it that night at the bar with kit. i guess it was two days ago.
one thing i called was that he is blowing smoke up my ass. that i don't believe a word he says. and that as menacing as he's trying to be, i don't think he is actually doing anything. i think he's just trying to scare me and manipulate me.
because last night, i had an email from staples. thanking me for my order of a pack of standard lease agreements.
i was seriously tempted to go to the house today, and ask to sign the leases that he'd already signed last week from the neighborhood property management company without me.
because they don't fucking exist.
the second thing i called was him responding to the joke i made about the lesbians kicking my ass. i said to them, 'you watch. he's going to say he never said that, and that it's all in my head, and that i'm making it up.' because this would be the third time those words came from his mouth.
so i was thinking about all of that today. then got home tonight and checked my email.
and this sets me off more than anything so far, i think.
because it's personal.
he's now launching a different kind of attack. he's territorializing our friends.
i was going to condense the email he wrote me. but i just went ahead and copied it here, changing details for his anonymity's sake.
for your reading pleasure:
'I'm still waiting to meet up with (the realtor).
I don't know anyone who wants to beat you up lesbian,straight or otherwise.
As for the (event) I would really prefer you not go. That would be like me just showing up at (the regatta) to see my in laws instead of respecting your time with them and attempting to make separate arrangements to see them.
Whether it matters to you or not my friends are my family and I am looking forward to having a great time with them at the show and I wouldn't be able to do that knowing that you were there.
You needed your space from me and I let you go without a fight.
All I'm asking of you is for you to not purposely make plans to be somewhere that you know I'll be.
Ever'
to which i replied:
'oh, you had told me there were a bunch of lesbians who hated me and wanted to kick my ass a while back, when they were taking you out with them a lot. i guess you forgot you had told me that. it was a dumb joke anyway.
i didn't know you were going to the (event) for certain. you didn't go to any for a long time, so i didn't assume that you go to every one now. i didn't realize that i wasn't permitted to go to (events), so i'll make separate arrangements to see jay and matt as you request. or you can tell me if there's (an event) that you know you're not going to, so i can still see them.
or if you go (out of state), just let me know that, too. i can always go there to see them, i will assume you'll never be there.
as for you seeing my family, that wasn't separate from me. i was willing to be a big girl and not worry about how i felt or how it would make me feel, so that you could see the family that still loves you.
and i also tried to help you put it together with them, so that everyone could get what they wanted, even if i really didn't want to see you at all. at least if you'd shown up to the regatta, you could have seen them.
but you aren't interested in rowing anyway, so that wouldn't have made much sense for you to go. it's kinda different from going to (an event) at a bar. but i get what you're telling me, and i guess i should respect that.
let me know what (the realtor) says. and the broker.
and let me know if/when you need to close my email account, so i can get everything switched over.
and staples keeps sending order info and coupons to my email. you might want to change it so it emails them to you.'
yeah. suck it, ever.
i've been sitting on the dating site information for a while, without letting him know that i know. and it fucking KILLS me to try to hold a card.
but the staples leases? that was just too good to let go. i'm dying to make his face go hot. to make him squirm. to let him know that i know that he is full of shit. and all talk.
which i also called. just yesterday in my post, i believe...
what an asshole.
what an idiot.
i've already switched most things over from his email. and obviously i'm not telling him about my new email account.
if he shut it down now, i'd be bummed. but not devastated like i would have been a week ago.
i thought the big girl part was a nice touch. because he's being a big fucking baby.
let's just reflect back to pre-january days. when i was writing about him never leaving the fucking house. never going to any events with me. because he'd get too stoned to pick his fat ass up off the couch and go. much less, clean himself and change his clothes and go somewhere.
so for me to think that he is at every single event wouldn't be reasonable. but i guess that he's changing like i am.
and he can't hook up with girls who are into guys who do what it is that he does, though i wouldn't call it 'for a living', if i am there.
i've never been to that place before. but i'm guessing it's probably big enough that he could be in one place and i could be in another and he'd never even know that i was there.
but fuck him. i don't want to see him any more than he wants to see me. but to banish me from events because he wouldn't be able to have fun if i was there? really??
i'll just go when i visit nate. or drive out of town to see them.
you know, before when we had this discussion about going to events, all he said was that he didn't want to see me with a boy at an event. because that is what he cannot handle.
maybe i start showing up with a new boyfriend who has a dog at the dog park when i know he'll be there.
that's about the only place that i know he goes.
what a shithead.
i'm not even that mean.
i certainly wouldn't use someone just to upset him.
like the way he is using mutual friends to upset me.
leaving feels imminent. i haven't even made it a month in my own apartment before i want to move states away.
nina warns that if i do leave in a year, it might make this whole thing seem like a dream.
i wondered for a minute why exactly that would mean that it would be a bad thing. but she's right.
i do need to own this. i do need to go through it and feel it. and i cannot pretend like it never happened.
just like i can't run away from my problems. figuratively or literally.
i'll just defect to canada next spring when palin announces she's running for president. who's in? anyone with me?
man.
seriously? cigarette.
and after that? a stiff one. drink, i mean...
raging. june 2nd.
today was a strange day. it was a busy day. and there was a lot of running around and driving across state lines for work.
and the highlight of my day was finding the rage against the machine cd in my car.
it had been a while since i'd listened to it.
and did i listen to it! windows down because the a/c is broken in the car somehow (it's only two years old), incredibly loud.
nodding and shaking my head and scream-singing 'fuck you, i won't do what you tell me'. it took me back to high school. when i could barely stand to say the word fuck, but still felt like a total badass for listening to that cd at top volume. in my pimped out 1982 datsun nissan sentra (aka the doo doo brown) with big ass speakers in the trunk.
it was so angry and just what i needed for the drive back in minimal traffic. venting vicariously. it was fantastic.
so today is day one of atkins diet. there's never a good time to start.
though not as insanely strict as it will become in maybe a few days, once i ease into it, i only had two coffees and a salad today so far. i'll have something later, too. i'm not starving myself or anything stupid. i had to come home and eat and hydrate before allowing myself a coctail later this evening.
and instead of buying a couple six packs of beer for the next week+, i got a bottle of stoli vanil and some diet coke to mix it with.
i don't feel like i can make it through a night yet, without at least one drink to unwind. or two. i do realize that to a lot of people, that might be or seem problematic.
but for me, it's the crutch i'm limping along on right now. and i'm not acting in risky ways, or doing stupid shit. for the most part, i have one beer at home a night (like a monkey). or a couple blocks from my home. at my-your or at the bar five doors down. and for the most part, i'm not drunk. though there was one night over the holiday weekend when i had two beers and was pretty silly. but i was under kit's supervision, so... all's well that ends well.
last night was a two beer night. i didn't intend for it to be. but halfway through the story, mine ran out. so i had another.
and they were great beers, for last beers.
but all the beer has been making my pants tight. so it's time to cut that nonsense out. i'll hope that my next beer is back home. i hope i can stay strong. i don't know if i'll make it. i now love it too much.
keep my eye on the prize. that's what i'll tell myself while i'm living on meat and salads. cheese and mixed nuts. sugarfree beverages. and coffee with heavy cream. and stoli with diet.
this is what i get for not just going to the gym. if i could make myself do it, i'd do it. but i suck at it, so i'm gonna cheat.
and for the next two days, i'll be bitchy. cranky. i'll have a headache and a half.
and then, my pants will fit. and then i won't get hungry anymore. and then i won't be eating snacks in bed. like boxes of cheezits and bags of chips and bowls of popcorn.
and as backwards as it sounds, i won't feel as unhealthy. this totally works for me. and it keeps me away from sweets, which have become a big part of my life since i left ever. it will keep me away from beer, which i have also buddied up to. no more oven pizzas and popcorn with extra butter. no more chips. no more FRIES. god... no more fries. what am i thinking???
meat and veggies. mmm hmmm.
meat and veggies and bikinis, i mean.
and booze, too. no denial here.
and new skinny jeans that are just a leetle bit too tight right this second. but won't be in a few short days.
that immediate payoff is like a drug. the immediate change is the best motivation.
and if i owned a scale, the tallying would begin.
this week, this woman at work was talking to us while we were cleaning and prepping stuff. and she was talking about how she lost all this weight. kit says she looks meth-skinny. and she is super tiny. like, a size 2 tiny.
but she was talking about how heavy she was. and you look at her and think 'there's no way'. and she went on to say that she cut carbs out from her diet entirely for just over a year. and lost 180 pounds!
of course, we didn't believe her. and of course, she had pictures to prove it.
made me feel like my little ten pound goal is retarded. but whatever. string bikini with beer belly says otherwise.
in her case, it was drastic, yes. it's unhealthy in some ways, yes. but i would like to think that her heart is happy and her health is better now than what it was when she was a size 28. because that's where she started.
unreal.
i don't have much else to say. i didn't take care of anything in my personal life today. i didn't call a mediator. i didn't talk to any lawyer, mine or someone else's. i didn't make a shrink appointment. i didn't make a car appointment. i didn't call the dental school.
actually, i realized one in time. i totally have a car appointment. yay me.
yay for a/c in the ninety degree ridiculousness that is our weather this week.
now for the part where i go back to finding a mediator. wish me luck... i think i'll take that drink now...
and the highlight of my day was finding the rage against the machine cd in my car.
it had been a while since i'd listened to it.
and did i listen to it! windows down because the a/c is broken in the car somehow (it's only two years old), incredibly loud.
nodding and shaking my head and scream-singing 'fuck you, i won't do what you tell me'. it took me back to high school. when i could barely stand to say the word fuck, but still felt like a total badass for listening to that cd at top volume. in my pimped out 1982 datsun nissan sentra (aka the doo doo brown) with big ass speakers in the trunk.
it was so angry and just what i needed for the drive back in minimal traffic. venting vicariously. it was fantastic.
so today is day one of atkins diet. there's never a good time to start.
though not as insanely strict as it will become in maybe a few days, once i ease into it, i only had two coffees and a salad today so far. i'll have something later, too. i'm not starving myself or anything stupid. i had to come home and eat and hydrate before allowing myself a coctail later this evening.
and instead of buying a couple six packs of beer for the next week+, i got a bottle of stoli vanil and some diet coke to mix it with.
i don't feel like i can make it through a night yet, without at least one drink to unwind. or two. i do realize that to a lot of people, that might be or seem problematic.
but for me, it's the crutch i'm limping along on right now. and i'm not acting in risky ways, or doing stupid shit. for the most part, i have one beer at home a night (like a monkey). or a couple blocks from my home. at my-your or at the bar five doors down. and for the most part, i'm not drunk. though there was one night over the holiday weekend when i had two beers and was pretty silly. but i was under kit's supervision, so... all's well that ends well.
last night was a two beer night. i didn't intend for it to be. but halfway through the story, mine ran out. so i had another.
and they were great beers, for last beers.
but all the beer has been making my pants tight. so it's time to cut that nonsense out. i'll hope that my next beer is back home. i hope i can stay strong. i don't know if i'll make it. i now love it too much.
keep my eye on the prize. that's what i'll tell myself while i'm living on meat and salads. cheese and mixed nuts. sugarfree beverages. and coffee with heavy cream. and stoli with diet.
this is what i get for not just going to the gym. if i could make myself do it, i'd do it. but i suck at it, so i'm gonna cheat.
and for the next two days, i'll be bitchy. cranky. i'll have a headache and a half.
and then, my pants will fit. and then i won't get hungry anymore. and then i won't be eating snacks in bed. like boxes of cheezits and bags of chips and bowls of popcorn.
and as backwards as it sounds, i won't feel as unhealthy. this totally works for me. and it keeps me away from sweets, which have become a big part of my life since i left ever. it will keep me away from beer, which i have also buddied up to. no more oven pizzas and popcorn with extra butter. no more chips. no more FRIES. god... no more fries. what am i thinking???
meat and veggies. mmm hmmm.
meat and veggies and bikinis, i mean.
and booze, too. no denial here.
and new skinny jeans that are just a leetle bit too tight right this second. but won't be in a few short days.
that immediate payoff is like a drug. the immediate change is the best motivation.
and if i owned a scale, the tallying would begin.
this week, this woman at work was talking to us while we were cleaning and prepping stuff. and she was talking about how she lost all this weight. kit says she looks meth-skinny. and she is super tiny. like, a size 2 tiny.
but she was talking about how heavy she was. and you look at her and think 'there's no way'. and she went on to say that she cut carbs out from her diet entirely for just over a year. and lost 180 pounds!
of course, we didn't believe her. and of course, she had pictures to prove it.
made me feel like my little ten pound goal is retarded. but whatever. string bikini with beer belly says otherwise.
in her case, it was drastic, yes. it's unhealthy in some ways, yes. but i would like to think that her heart is happy and her health is better now than what it was when she was a size 28. because that's where she started.
unreal.
i don't have much else to say. i didn't take care of anything in my personal life today. i didn't call a mediator. i didn't talk to any lawyer, mine or someone else's. i didn't make a shrink appointment. i didn't make a car appointment. i didn't call the dental school.
actually, i realized one in time. i totally have a car appointment. yay me.
yay for a/c in the ninety degree ridiculousness that is our weather this week.
now for the part where i go back to finding a mediator. wish me luck... i think i'll take that drink now...
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