raging. june 2nd.

today was a strange day. it was a busy day. and there was a lot of running around and driving across state lines for work.

and the highlight of my day was finding the rage against the machine cd in my car.

it had been a while since i'd listened to it.

and did i listen to it! windows down because the a/c is broken in the car somehow (it's only two years old), incredibly loud.

nodding and shaking my head and scream-singing 'fuck you, i won't do what you tell me'. it took me back to high school. when i could barely stand to say the word fuck, but still felt like a total badass for listening to that cd at top volume. in my pimped out 1982 datsun nissan sentra (aka the doo doo brown) with big ass speakers in the trunk.

it was so angry and just what i needed for the drive back in minimal traffic. venting vicariously. it was fantastic.


so today is day one of atkins diet. there's never a good time to start.

though not as insanely strict as it will become in maybe a few days, once i ease into it, i only had two coffees and a salad today so far. i'll have something later, too. i'm not starving myself or anything stupid. i had to come home and eat and hydrate before allowing myself a coctail later this evening.

and instead of buying a couple six packs of beer for the next week+, i got a bottle of stoli vanil and some diet coke to mix it with.

i don't feel like i can make it through a night yet, without at least one drink to unwind. or two. i do realize that to a lot of people, that might be or seem problematic.

but for me, it's the crutch i'm limping along on right now. and i'm not acting in risky ways, or doing stupid shit. for the most part, i have one beer at home a night (like a monkey). or a couple blocks from my home. at my-your or at the bar five doors down. and for the most part, i'm not drunk. though there was one night over the holiday weekend when i had two beers and was pretty silly. but i was under kit's supervision, so... all's well that ends well.

last night was a two beer night. i didn't intend for it to be. but halfway through the story, mine ran out. so i had another.

and they were great beers, for last beers.

but all the beer has been making my pants tight. so it's time to cut that nonsense out. i'll hope that my next beer is back home. i hope i can stay strong. i don't know if i'll make it. i now love it too much.


keep my eye on the prize. that's what i'll tell myself while i'm living on meat and salads. cheese and mixed nuts. sugarfree beverages. and coffee with heavy cream. and stoli with diet.

this is what i get for not just going to the gym. if i could make myself do it, i'd do it. but i suck at it, so i'm gonna cheat.

and for the next two days, i'll be bitchy. cranky. i'll have a headache and a half.

and then, my pants will fit. and then i won't get hungry anymore. and then i won't be eating snacks in bed. like boxes of cheezits and bags of chips and bowls of popcorn.


and as backwards as it sounds, i won't feel as unhealthy. this totally works for me. and it keeps me away from sweets, which have become a big part of my life since i left ever. it will keep me away from beer, which i have also buddied up to. no more oven pizzas and popcorn with extra butter. no more chips. no more FRIES. god... no more fries. what am i thinking???

meat and veggies. mmm hmmm.

meat and veggies and bikinis, i mean.

and booze, too. no denial here.

and new skinny jeans that are just a leetle bit too tight right this second. but won't be in a few short days.

that immediate payoff is like a drug. the immediate change is the best motivation.

and if i owned a scale, the tallying would begin.


this week, this woman at work was talking to us while we were cleaning and prepping stuff. and she was talking about how she lost all this weight. kit says she looks meth-skinny. and she is super tiny. like, a size 2 tiny.

but she was talking about how heavy she was. and you look at her and think 'there's no way'. and she went on to say that she cut carbs out from her diet entirely for just over a year. and lost 180 pounds!

of course, we didn't believe her. and of course, she had pictures to prove it.


made me feel like my little ten pound goal is retarded. but whatever. string bikini with beer belly says otherwise.

in her case, it was drastic, yes. it's unhealthy in some ways, yes. but i would like to think that her heart is happy and her health is better now than what it was when she was a size 28. because that's where she started.

unreal.


i don't have much else to say. i didn't take care of anything in my personal life today. i didn't call a mediator. i didn't talk to any lawyer, mine or someone else's. i didn't make a shrink appointment. i didn't make a car appointment. i didn't call the dental school.

actually, i realized one in time. i totally have a car appointment. yay me.

yay for a/c in the ninety degree ridiculousness that is our weather this week.


now for the part where i go back to finding a mediator. wish me luck... i think i'll take that drink now...