nestled in the heart of this little mountain town is one very tired girl.
the weekend so far has been pretty fantastic. to think that there are still two more days is a little mind blowing, but that was the point of the long weekend.
friday was a bit of a disaster.
i had two panic attacks after what was supposed to be a very easy day at work, followed by a couple work errands for supplies.
i left work to get my eyebrows done. on the way, i got a text from chalk that said that there was a problem at the airport and that he didn't have a reservation.
he didn't know if expedia dropped the ball, or if he did, but regardless, he showed up to fly out and couldn't.
at first i thought he was messing with me. but as i texted back 'are you serious?', i realized that he isn't the type of person to joke around about something like that. i sent the text and went to the waxing chair, not knowing what was going to happen. i almost left, because i thought that there was no way he could get a reasonably priced ticket out at such late notice.
but i didn't leave.
i felt sick, and my anxiety level started to go up from there. while i was in the chair, my phone rang, and i didn't pick it up, thinking it was chalk and that i'd call him back when i was done.
to add to the stress, my work phone was dead and shut off, and my regular phone was nearly dead. so i was out, and running errands, knowing that i was nearly out of touch with everyone for a few hours until i got home again.
so i got to the car, and checked my voicemail.
the security guard at work called to say that the health inspector showed up after we'd closed for the day.
i called chalk, feeling just horrible for his situation.
he said that he would be able to fly up, but not until 730 at the earliest. i told him that it was okay to reschedule the trip, thinking he was just being kind in trying to pay a ridiculous amount of money to still come up.
but he said it really wasn't too much more and that he was absolutely coming up.
so at that point, i realized he'd be in at 10. and i was sad, but also relieved, because it meant i'd have time to do work stuff without rushing.
the only thing that makes my panicking worse is being in a hurry. thinking fast is bad enough, but moving fast at the same time is a terrible combination. especially under the pretense of added pressure.
so i hung up with him, and had panic attack number one.
i was driving to the store, really trying to hold it together. sweating, shaking. it was all work, not chalk.
i knew that this meant the inspector would be back on tuesday, and to say that this is not okay and that i'm not ready for her is an understatement.
so i get to the store to pick up things for work, realizing i'd forgotten the list at home in my work bag.
and of course, i can't remember anything that was on it.
so i grab what i know i need and start thinking of things on the list as i'm in line at the checkout, and resolve to get them at the next store.
i was walking around home depot in a daze, unable to find what i needed, and unable in my condition to think clearly about where things might be. i started asking for help after about ten minutes of unsuccessful wandering.
i knew i was forgetting things, but didn't know what, so i found what i could remember, and was maneuvering around the store with a gigantic sheet of wall covering, four by eight feet, draped over my entire cart. bumping into things, and trying to get the fuck out of the store, trying not to worry about the fact that i didn't know how it was going to fit in the car at all.
it was flexible, so i was trying to think positive.
i pay for everything and walk out, load everything into the car. and for one split second, i missed ever. i thought, 'he'd have this in the car effortlessly.'
and then thought, 'fuck that. i got this.'
and i did.
and then texted kit that i was on my way to work, and could pick her up after dropping everything off, to hang out for a while.
chalk's flight wasn't at 730, but was at 9, so now he wouldn't get in until 1130. i was so tired, from waking up at 6 worried about work and excited for his visit.
kit was super helpful, and trying to calm me down, because of how worked up i was when i got to her.
so we went to the bar for happy hour and had a couple beers and some food, and i started to come down off the anxiety high.
and then i got really tired.
when you suffer from panic attacks, after you have one and recover, your body is depleted and you just crash out.
so i was laying down, and tried for over an hour and a half to take a nap.
but i couldn't sleep.
and in thinking about the health inspection, there were things i knew i'd need to do before going back to work on tuesday, and because i didn't know when chalk would be leaving, i needed to go to staples then.
so i got up, and kit said she'd go along for the ride.
we tried to mix in a visit to robbie that was unsuccessful. i'd also gone the day before, but he was nowhere to be found.
then hit the grocery store at about the time chalk was boarding.
and said something that cracked kit up while we were in the store. in produce, i was asking her what types of snacks i should get. i really don't know him well enough to know what he'd want to snack on and he just said something light, which wasn't helpful.
so we passed the grapes, which were on sale, and i said, 'grapes are cute, right?'
i think that what i meant was that grapes would be a cute gesture, because i envisioned feeding him grapes, and thought that was sweet.
but it sounded funny, and kit got a kick out of it.
i put the grapes in the cart and got some random assortment of snacks, and went home.
i was over the work anxiety by that point. i'd done what i could do to help the situation on tuesday. everything else is out of my control.
then i started to get ready for chalk.
the preparation for this visit was very different than before.
i guess because this time there wasn't the 'i wonder what is going to happen, and how it's going to be' thing, that was alleviated. and he hadn't been around online to talk to and flirt with, so i was worried that he was less than excited or less than ready for a visit.
i get really heady like that sometimes. and not having feedback makes it much worse.
luckily, nina had asked him about his trip up and he told her that he was really excited, so that made me feel a lot better.
in any case, he arrived, and we made it home safely, and wasted no time.
and then stayed up watching things online until 330, when he fell asleep watching the pushing daisies pilot. which was awesome. i love that show.
i think i fell asleep around 430 and didn't sleep well. what else is new?
sleep less. august 30th.
i don't know what happened.
probably, it was due to the coffee i was still sipping on at about 3 yesterday afternoon.
i did not sleep at all last night.
i don't think i dozed off until about 515 this morning, just before my alarm went off.
i only know i slept then, because i was having a very weird dream about my family, and my grandfather.
i turned off the lights and computer at 1030. i saw the clock hit 11, 12, i know i saw it just before 1, and at 3, 4, and 5 am.
it was a lot of tossing and turning, and looking at the clock every hour on the hour for certain. and trying to figure out how it was that i couldn't sleep.
it might have been a change in temperature. it was so hot yesterday. i only caved and turned the ac back on when i was going to sleep. maybe it was too cool. maybe the fan was too loud.
i know that, at a point, i was super itchy.
there were probably mosquitoes buzzing about, biting me while i slept.
whatever it was, it was horrid. and i don't know how i'm feeling okay right now. i was ill when i woke up.
more coffee. that's how i feel okay right now.
uppers and downers. uppers and downers.
back at sucky store, this time with a little more feeling. because this time i have internet again.
oh, scrabble. how you salvage my sanity.
i'm already hungry, it's an hour til lunch food is ready, and i'm staring down slices of pound cake.
it's so unfair.
should i warn chalk that i've put on a good ten pounds since he was here last?
i can't squeeze into some of my clothes that i bought when i was home. and i need to do something about it, but i don't have the will power right now.
maybe after he leaves. he told me i could afford to put on a few pounds when he was here last. so i'll take it.
i cannot wait until the weekend.
i'm so excited for the mountains. i wish i could afford a cozy little cabin out in the middle of nowhere. but the hotel will have to do.
it's exciting to be going in the car. it's exciting to be getting out of the city. it's exciting to be doing something new. again.
it's funny, all this thinking about boys...
i woke up yesterday from a dream about intern.
it was a nice dream. i think we were probably making out. maybe he was my boyfriend. but i woke up wishing i could go back to sleep and continue the dream, just to have a little more of his attention.
but i didn't. or if i dozed back off, it was over. but i don't think i even tried.
and then, last night, i was thinking about that boy from the party.
what would i even do with a boy like that? that's what i was thinking about.
for someone who can't date, what do you do? it's not that primal urge to sleep with him. he just seems like someone who would be fun to spend time with, as a friend, and i'd make out with him. but what would we do? go see a show? we probably like similar music. have a game night? go to the bar?
i wonder how young he is. he's definitely younger than me, but i don't know by how much. i can't really tell. maybe he's 25 or something.
i mentioned him to kim and she gave him two thumbs up.
oh, boys.
i guess the thing about him, which is what i keep thinking, is that i think 'i met a boy'.
not like, smitten. but i met someone notable. because i pushed my boundaries. and i do hope i see him again. because i like to laugh. and he was witty. and i think if nothing else, we'd be friends.
that's where my head is.
for a lot of time again this weekend, my mind was on ever things. but not really today. today i'm very distracted. and it's going to be a long week.
today and tomorrow at crappy store.
wednesday hammering down panini menus.
thursday will be office day.
friday possibly moving crappy store or more panini time.
then chalk.
then the mountains.
then back to life.
but those four days...
i cannot wait.
probably, it was due to the coffee i was still sipping on at about 3 yesterday afternoon.
i did not sleep at all last night.
i don't think i dozed off until about 515 this morning, just before my alarm went off.
i only know i slept then, because i was having a very weird dream about my family, and my grandfather.
i turned off the lights and computer at 1030. i saw the clock hit 11, 12, i know i saw it just before 1, and at 3, 4, and 5 am.
it was a lot of tossing and turning, and looking at the clock every hour on the hour for certain. and trying to figure out how it was that i couldn't sleep.
it might have been a change in temperature. it was so hot yesterday. i only caved and turned the ac back on when i was going to sleep. maybe it was too cool. maybe the fan was too loud.
i know that, at a point, i was super itchy.
there were probably mosquitoes buzzing about, biting me while i slept.
whatever it was, it was horrid. and i don't know how i'm feeling okay right now. i was ill when i woke up.
more coffee. that's how i feel okay right now.
uppers and downers. uppers and downers.
back at sucky store, this time with a little more feeling. because this time i have internet again.
oh, scrabble. how you salvage my sanity.
i'm already hungry, it's an hour til lunch food is ready, and i'm staring down slices of pound cake.
it's so unfair.
should i warn chalk that i've put on a good ten pounds since he was here last?
i can't squeeze into some of my clothes that i bought when i was home. and i need to do something about it, but i don't have the will power right now.
maybe after he leaves. he told me i could afford to put on a few pounds when he was here last. so i'll take it.
i cannot wait until the weekend.
i'm so excited for the mountains. i wish i could afford a cozy little cabin out in the middle of nowhere. but the hotel will have to do.
it's exciting to be going in the car. it's exciting to be getting out of the city. it's exciting to be doing something new. again.
it's funny, all this thinking about boys...
i woke up yesterday from a dream about intern.
it was a nice dream. i think we were probably making out. maybe he was my boyfriend. but i woke up wishing i could go back to sleep and continue the dream, just to have a little more of his attention.
but i didn't. or if i dozed back off, it was over. but i don't think i even tried.
and then, last night, i was thinking about that boy from the party.
what would i even do with a boy like that? that's what i was thinking about.
for someone who can't date, what do you do? it's not that primal urge to sleep with him. he just seems like someone who would be fun to spend time with, as a friend, and i'd make out with him. but what would we do? go see a show? we probably like similar music. have a game night? go to the bar?
i wonder how young he is. he's definitely younger than me, but i don't know by how much. i can't really tell. maybe he's 25 or something.
i mentioned him to kim and she gave him two thumbs up.
oh, boys.
i guess the thing about him, which is what i keep thinking, is that i think 'i met a boy'.
not like, smitten. but i met someone notable. because i pushed my boundaries. and i do hope i see him again. because i like to laugh. and he was witty. and i think if nothing else, we'd be friends.
that's where my head is.
for a lot of time again this weekend, my mind was on ever things. but not really today. today i'm very distracted. and it's going to be a long week.
today and tomorrow at crappy store.
wednesday hammering down panini menus.
thursday will be office day.
friday possibly moving crappy store or more panini time.
then chalk.
then the mountains.
then back to life.
but those four days...
i cannot wait.
and now for something completely different... august 29th.
alright.
first things first. i love google analytics, specifically the map overlay report.
usually it just tells me that kit and alice, nina, and i look at my blog way too much.
but somewhere out there, i have a couple of new readers. and i don't know anyone in the cities, so i don't know who it is. but i am grateful.
to you i say: sorry for the detail i write in. and for my carrying on about boring and unimportant things. and thanks for reading.
that being said, i too have been exploring blogger. maybe someone found me by hitting the 'next blog' button. i love that thing. half the time, you land on complete shit. but the other part of the time, i find some pretty awesome stuff.
and what's strange is that part of the time, the blogs i land on are local blogs. the other half of the time, they're in spanish and i can't translate.
and i just got hip to blogs of note. which is also hit and miss. but this week i found a couple of great blogs that way.
so.
the weekend.
another day in bed. it's almost three. i'm dressed but not showered, because i had one cigarette so far today. and i'm laying in bed. listening to new music.
it is interesting to me that i have spent this weekend learning, alone.
music and photography.
getting inspired.
it's pretty awesome.
i'm listening to the national and cat power is next. i know i like them both, but don't know them at all.
i also discovered better propaganda. and their playlists.
and was really happy to see a couple friends in their mix of picks and recommendations.
and i have been reading about pinhole cameras. i can't explain why i love the pictures so much. i'm a fan of monochrome, but the colors that come through with these photos are just unbelievable. very true. and something about the hazy quality of some of them just blow my mind. and because of the seconds of exposure time, the waterfall photos are really cool, because of the effect the water gets.
here are a few examples of what i'm talking about:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/zebandrews/2948917614/in/set-72157600002316098/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/lochkamera/102011750/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/manyfires/525728698/
totally inspired. i don't even have to buy a camera, really. i just have to make one out of things that are laying around in the recycling bin.
in any case, i still am not clear on how you load the paper/film into the camera, or what happens after that. i don't have a dark room, so i don't know if i could even do this as a hobby. but maybe i'll ask someone about it. the paper idea sounds the best to me, because there's no film, it's right on the paper. but i still don't have a way to develop them.
even if i just sat in on a photography class or something to get the basics. because in looking at the stuff online, i was totally lost.
it was fun taking my camera last night, because i took some pretty cool pictures. i need to learn how to use the thing, for starters. i always forget to ask nina how she uses hers, but i know now which setting to use at night (iso3200), and got some very warm campfire pictures from the party.
i was proud to go alone. i really didn't feel like it at all.
i was afraid of so many things. dan and crystal. the lesbians. anyone who knows ever in general.
there was one person there who i knew from work, a customer. and lauren and her girl and her roommate. that was it.
there were so many people there. and i liked having my camera because it gave me something to do, besides focus on being there alone. and how awkward i felt.
there was a band playing outside, and then one after that in the basement.
i loved the band in the basement. the guys were nice and pretty cute. they had this somehow dancy garage band feel to it. like weezer with a groove.
i don't know. i get this feeling when i go to tiny shows like that sometimes. i feel like i'm seeing something special. something that in five years from now would be some claim to fame: 'i saw those guys in a basement with like twenty other people!'
anyways, i really liked them, and i'd see them out sometime now that i know who they are.
and i biked home, which i was also very happy about.
i took a monkey with me and drank that when i got there, during the first show.
and also took a can of pbr. and had that in the basement.
i didn't want to deal with parking. or driving. but biking was perfect. it was cool and i was home safely and quickly.
and i left during the show in the basement, in an effort to leave on a high point. i had to pee, i was hungry, i wanted water, and i guess i just wanted out.
so i said goodbye and bailed. without seeing anyone i didn't want to see. which i was also really happy about.
after that whole sticker thing yesterday, it was nice to not have any drama.
and the more i keep commitments against the odds, the better i feel about myself. i am happy to not flake even when it's what i want to do.
and i'm also glad to have alone time this weekend, too. it's been very quiet and peaceful. very restful.
two parties in one weekend. i can't even remember the last party i went to before this. but they were both good experiences, even though they didn't feel that way going into them.
i also am happy with trying new things and being open to meeting new people. well, i'm happy when it pays off and i feel good after.
though i don't want to spend the next two days at shitty store, i'm glad to have a reason to get out of bed and to not drink excessively.
though i'm mostly sure that i'll just be right back here again, as soon as my day is over and done with.
though.
it's one of those funny words like thumb that loses it's meaning when you read it or write it a few times.
first things first. i love google analytics, specifically the map overlay report.
usually it just tells me that kit and alice, nina, and i look at my blog way too much.
but somewhere out there, i have a couple of new readers. and i don't know anyone in the cities, so i don't know who it is. but i am grateful.
to you i say: sorry for the detail i write in. and for my carrying on about boring and unimportant things. and thanks for reading.
that being said, i too have been exploring blogger. maybe someone found me by hitting the 'next blog' button. i love that thing. half the time, you land on complete shit. but the other part of the time, i find some pretty awesome stuff.
and what's strange is that part of the time, the blogs i land on are local blogs. the other half of the time, they're in spanish and i can't translate.
and i just got hip to blogs of note. which is also hit and miss. but this week i found a couple of great blogs that way.
so.
the weekend.
another day in bed. it's almost three. i'm dressed but not showered, because i had one cigarette so far today. and i'm laying in bed. listening to new music.
it is interesting to me that i have spent this weekend learning, alone.
music and photography.
getting inspired.
it's pretty awesome.
i'm listening to the national and cat power is next. i know i like them both, but don't know them at all.
i also discovered better propaganda. and their playlists.
and was really happy to see a couple friends in their mix of picks and recommendations.
and i have been reading about pinhole cameras. i can't explain why i love the pictures so much. i'm a fan of monochrome, but the colors that come through with these photos are just unbelievable. very true. and something about the hazy quality of some of them just blow my mind. and because of the seconds of exposure time, the waterfall photos are really cool, because of the effect the water gets.
here are a few examples of what i'm talking about:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/zebandrews/2948917614/in/set-72157600002316098/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/lochkamera/102011750/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/manyfires/525728698/
totally inspired. i don't even have to buy a camera, really. i just have to make one out of things that are laying around in the recycling bin.
in any case, i still am not clear on how you load the paper/film into the camera, or what happens after that. i don't have a dark room, so i don't know if i could even do this as a hobby. but maybe i'll ask someone about it. the paper idea sounds the best to me, because there's no film, it's right on the paper. but i still don't have a way to develop them.
even if i just sat in on a photography class or something to get the basics. because in looking at the stuff online, i was totally lost.
it was fun taking my camera last night, because i took some pretty cool pictures. i need to learn how to use the thing, for starters. i always forget to ask nina how she uses hers, but i know now which setting to use at night (iso3200), and got some very warm campfire pictures from the party.
i was proud to go alone. i really didn't feel like it at all.
i was afraid of so many things. dan and crystal. the lesbians. anyone who knows ever in general.
there was one person there who i knew from work, a customer. and lauren and her girl and her roommate. that was it.
there were so many people there. and i liked having my camera because it gave me something to do, besides focus on being there alone. and how awkward i felt.
there was a band playing outside, and then one after that in the basement.
i loved the band in the basement. the guys were nice and pretty cute. they had this somehow dancy garage band feel to it. like weezer with a groove.
i don't know. i get this feeling when i go to tiny shows like that sometimes. i feel like i'm seeing something special. something that in five years from now would be some claim to fame: 'i saw those guys in a basement with like twenty other people!'
anyways, i really liked them, and i'd see them out sometime now that i know who they are.
and i biked home, which i was also very happy about.
i took a monkey with me and drank that when i got there, during the first show.
and also took a can of pbr. and had that in the basement.
i didn't want to deal with parking. or driving. but biking was perfect. it was cool and i was home safely and quickly.
and i left during the show in the basement, in an effort to leave on a high point. i had to pee, i was hungry, i wanted water, and i guess i just wanted out.
so i said goodbye and bailed. without seeing anyone i didn't want to see. which i was also really happy about.
after that whole sticker thing yesterday, it was nice to not have any drama.
and the more i keep commitments against the odds, the better i feel about myself. i am happy to not flake even when it's what i want to do.
and i'm also glad to have alone time this weekend, too. it's been very quiet and peaceful. very restful.
two parties in one weekend. i can't even remember the last party i went to before this. but they were both good experiences, even though they didn't feel that way going into them.
i also am happy with trying new things and being open to meeting new people. well, i'm happy when it pays off and i feel good after.
though i don't want to spend the next two days at shitty store, i'm glad to have a reason to get out of bed and to not drink excessively.
though i'm mostly sure that i'll just be right back here again, as soon as my day is over and done with.
though.
it's one of those funny words like thumb that loses it's meaning when you read it or write it a few times.
do nothing girl. august 28th.
back in the prime of crazy tea, there was this girl. she was one of three heathers that i was around at the time. one day, at the place where coffee worked, we decided to start a band with a couple of other boys there.
and it was all very thought out. i mean, we had the name, and all the random bullshit really well thought out. of course, being the writer, i had a few 'songs' that i'd written. really just poetry from the time that sucked that i thought would suffice. in my defense, i thought my writing was super profound at the time.
in any case, we had this one practice set up. it was to be the first time the boys brought their instruments and heather and i pulled out our words and started messing around with composition.
i don't remember who the boys were now, but there was music played, and i thought it was decent, and then heather pulled out this thing she'd written.
it was called 'do nothing girl'.
and i have it now, tucked in the sketchbook journal from that phase. off the top of my head, all i remember is that it said something about drawing wedding invitations when she'd only just met him or something like that.
and the whole thing was a big dis. it was slam poetry, though not in the usual sense of the phrase.
and i think it took a couple weeks after having it to realize that it was about me.
needless to say, it was our only practice. she thought i was completely full of shit. and maybe i was, but my intentions were good, and i was really excited.
today, i did nothing.
i got in late after a party, around 3 by the time my car was parked. and i took some fake tylenol because i couldn't find my motrin. my head was already hurting, and i knew i'd be up after 10 today, so i knew i'd wake up with a nasty coffee headache.
and i did. after 10. and made myself go back to snoozing until 11. and then again, while i brewed coffee.
so i got up, made my coffee, and got back into bed.
then i sat online for a while, like i always do.
and then i cleaned for a while, thinking about chalk, i guess. because last time, it snuck up on me. i didn't clean the weekend before enough, and had a lot to do the day before he got here.
so this time, i just told myself i'd get the majority of it done today, so that friday is easier.
and from yesterday afternoon, after work and happy hour with kit, and all day today, i just kept thinking, 'this time next weekend...' thoughts.
last night was awesome. it didn't start out that way. but it ended up that way. i had a lot of fun. i forget sometimes that i am incredibly awkward in social settings when i don't know people. and it probably takes a couple beers to get back to the place i was in those old coffee days, where i would float from table to table, striking up conversation with perfect strangers effortlessly. i didn't care what they thought of me. and i was good at it.
so i think i'd had four beers in total before that started to happen last night. two with kit at 5. and then two more after i got there at around 8.
kit had other plans, and i guess i'd usually just stay in if i didn't have plans with her. but i decided to go to a bbq with kim, and she agreed to go dancing with me after. so i was supposed to bring a six pack of beer with me. from the bar near the party. only i know that a six pack of beer is the same as a twelve pack of beer from a beer store. so i went to the beer store.
and that is how i accidentally bought a case of beer.
i mean, i was nearly positive that it was a case. but i was also a little surprised when i opened the box and there was more than just two six packs inside.
so i opened the box and unloaded half into the trunk of my car, and took more than double what was requested to the party. which was just fine by me. i didn't know what to expect, and i thought it was a nice gesture, since i didn't know anyone there.
so i got there, and took a look around. and it was an interesting crowd. kim's a phd, so i was thinking that there would be people there who were like her, and also into craft beer. but it wasn't really that type of crowd. it wasn't quite squatter punk, but it wasn't a collection of people who brought beer over either.
so everything went into the cooler and after i'd had two beers, all the beer i brought was gone.
by that point, i was beyond sufficiently drunk. i had started drinking at four, without taking longer than a two hour break, so i knew i was in a bit of trouble. i had driven there, and wanted to go home, but was not okay to drive.
so i waited it out, started snacking. eventually i got a powerade and pulled myself together. i was feeling totally straight by the time the second wave of the party started.
kim and i had debated going to a bar, going to her place, or going dancing. because i'd gotten up at 545, i was beat. sitting felt good. and dancing sounded like too much effort. plus we were both broke, so we didn't really want to pay $8 to go somewhere for a couple hours.
so we stayed put.
i'd been talking to her friend lauren, who also got out of a seven year relationship after buying a house with the guy, who she was not married to. so when i was at the peak of my drunkenness, we were telling our similar stories. i wasn't slurring, but i couldn't focus on her face really without her blurring.
then she walked off and went back to having a conversation with kim and the first set of people all bailed. and there were just a couple of us there. and then there were nine of us there.
there were two boys. one who had been there, with some girls who were annoying me, from the beginning. he was really cute. beard, dark hair, shorter guy, nice skin, very quiet.
and i watched him, and smoked near him a couple times (which is what a shy girl does when she doesn't want the boy to know that she thinks he is hot). and he didn't really acknowledge me, so i didn't do anything. then he left 'for five minutes', to walk the girls somewhere. and came back over an hour later, completely shitfaced. being loud and obnoxious. singing sugar ray and something else unbearbly loud to the sky above us. and no one could get him to shut up. he was being a total dick.
and i was really glad that i didn't make anything resembling a move when he was just a couple beers in because he was a fucking nightmare.
but then, he put on i care because you do (aphex twin), and played the song i had on a mix for nina from our glory days. it is fantastic. i was whistling, and he was drunkenly singing the sounds.
whatever. it was his redeeming moment, but he went right back to being an asshole after that.
so these two boys show up. one's all hipstered out with a melt banana tee, and i was thinking 'i bet i'm the only person here who even knows who that is'. and his friend was adorkable (to completely steal nate's phrase), a cute, in a way that i find endearing.
and we were all talking and eating and smoking, and he started making jokes that were cracking me up. and singing beastie boys. i don't know. everything he did made me laugh. and at different times, other people thought he was funny, too. but he would look at me after saying something funny, and i'd be laughing. it was cute.
and then it was getting really late, and i asked kim what we were doing. she wanted to stay a bit longer, so i grabbed a pbr for each of us and i commenced round three of drink fest. i knew that i could only have one, and then some water, to be able to drive. so i did.
and the host wanted to play apples to apples. i had never heard of this before. but confused it with the scrabble game that has playing cards. anyways, it's this game where you have an adjective that is the category. and in your hand you have seven cards. random things. nouns, proper nouns, etc. and you submit a card for the category.
i won the 'feminine' card by turning in poodles.
there were some hilarious submissions. especially from the boy i was eying. and we played that for probably an hour. then some more retardedly drunk people showed up and it was after 2 and i said i was ready to make my move toward home.
so it started off awkwardly. i wanted to leave at about the 30 minute mark, the one hour mark, the two hour mark.
then i was too drunk, and then it became fun.
so that was my night. it took at least 30 minutes to park. it was awful.
and i'd told kit yesterday that i had been wanting to take the business sticker off the back of my car lately, but didn't have a straight edge to do it.
and then today, when i went to get my car and bring it closer, and to get all that extra beer out of my trunk, i walked up behind my car and didn't see the sticker.
and i panicked. at first, i thought that kit came by and did it for me. but then thought that my car was too far away for her to even pass it. and then i thought, 'oh shit. ever.'
and my mind was racing. get a restraining order. what the fuck. how did he find the car. when did he come by. did i just not notice it. has it been gone a while. what the fuck???
and that was the drive for the four blocks. i resolved to get my phone and ask kit if she had done it when i got back inside the apartment. and i got out and parked the car. i felt sick, completely. i guess i've had some time alone this weekend, and i untagged myself in all the pictures that had him in it. and it was all on my mind.
when i went to get the beer out of the trunk, i looked down.
and the sticker was totally still there.
i guess i have the writer's sticker on one side. and it's on the part of the glass that you see through. and on the other side, the business sticker was not on the clear glass, but on the blacked out part. and it's a black sticker. so somehow i wasn't looking in the right place when i didn't see it and commenced the freakout.
sigh.
i felt sick for a while after realizing i'd just tripped out for no reason at all.
now it has passed. but i wanted to write it out.
because i do this pretty often. it wasn't a panic attack. but it could have been. i think if the sticker had really been gone, it would have been a full on panic attack. i'm just so afraid of him seeing me or being over in my neighborhood or being around. and that totally fed my fear. like he'd sought out the car.
in seeing the pictures today, and untagging, i realized how strange i look in some of them. happy, unhappy. heavier, thinner. what i'm wearing. how unflattering my glasses are. how awesome my family is. some made me laugh. the pictures of my dog made me want to cry.
she's so cute. i miss her terribly.
and when i got to the wedding pictures, i thought, 'he used to be so cute. he used to be someone i wanted to marry. at some time, he was.' but then it got to the later pictures, and i couldn't even feel that or see that anymore. and maybe it's because i think about where i was emotionally/mentally the day the picture was taken. the ones with my family made me think of his incessant bitching about having my family come back and how overbearing they were and how they drove him crazy. so i see his fake smile in those pictures and i look tired, probably from overthinking, and it just made me really sad. he took them for granted, and now they're not his anymore.
but yeah. i did nothing today. and now i'm supposed to go to lauren's going away party (from work. there are too many laurens in my life right now), and i'm not really feeling like it. i am ready to go. makeup and hair and all. but after last night, i guess i am worn out and i was content to sit in silence for most of the day today.
i listened to joanna newsom a little. on ep's worth. and then tried to find a good video of gogol bordello live to send to nina, but ended up watching like thirty videos that weren't so great. and found nothing to send her way.
and then, just before i moved the car, i got struck with inspiration.
i don't know how, but i went to the writer's facebook page. and then his website, because he's having a show soon, and i wanted to see if he had the pictures online.
and he didn't. but i went through his links. thinking, if these people inspire him, and he inspires me, i should probably see what they are.
and there were a few people who were kinda vanilla. nothing as compelling as what he does. one girl had some cool stuff on etsy. not really for me. but nice anyways.
and then there was this guy. another photographer.
and how i found him was that he photographed the writer. just one picture. and he looks so tired and so sad, and that's how he looked when i saw him, but the photo was just beautiful. the thing is that the guy works in the camera store that he frequents, and took a picture of him and wrote a little thing about him, which is why he had the link on his site.
so then i start going through this guy's stuff.
a lot of landscapes. which don't do much for me, but they were really good. his portraits were awesome.
and then there's this series. i had to do all this research and read his blog a little to get what was happening. but they're taken with a pinhole camera. and now i absolutely have to buy one.
i don't know how it works. i mean, i get the pinhole part, but not how the film works. i'll look into it.
but his pinhole photos are just mindblowing. not all of them. but most of them. really really awesome stuff.
so i lost about an hour of my day looking at this guy's stuff.
totally worth it.
and now, i'm going to grab my camera. and try to get myself together enough to go to lauren's party. maybe it's because i don't want to say goodbye to her, but i don't feel like going.
maybe part of it, too, is knowing that she has friends who work with ever. and i really don't want to see them. they're the lesbians who want to kick my ass. i hope hope hope they aren't there.
and last night, funny guy was talking about self defense with kim. and they were discussing using your keys as a weapon, which we've talked about quite a bit in recent months. and then he said, if you're getting attacked, you won't really have time to aim for eyes or neck or face with your key in your hand.
he said, 'your best defense is just to run. just run. if someone is coming after me, i'm just going to run.'
and if i'm being chased by an angry mob of lesbians tonight, that is precisely what i'll do. they could kill me in a matchup.
but i can run.
and it was all very thought out. i mean, we had the name, and all the random bullshit really well thought out. of course, being the writer, i had a few 'songs' that i'd written. really just poetry from the time that sucked that i thought would suffice. in my defense, i thought my writing was super profound at the time.
in any case, we had this one practice set up. it was to be the first time the boys brought their instruments and heather and i pulled out our words and started messing around with composition.
i don't remember who the boys were now, but there was music played, and i thought it was decent, and then heather pulled out this thing she'd written.
it was called 'do nothing girl'.
and i have it now, tucked in the sketchbook journal from that phase. off the top of my head, all i remember is that it said something about drawing wedding invitations when she'd only just met him or something like that.
and the whole thing was a big dis. it was slam poetry, though not in the usual sense of the phrase.
and i think it took a couple weeks after having it to realize that it was about me.
needless to say, it was our only practice. she thought i was completely full of shit. and maybe i was, but my intentions were good, and i was really excited.
today, i did nothing.
i got in late after a party, around 3 by the time my car was parked. and i took some fake tylenol because i couldn't find my motrin. my head was already hurting, and i knew i'd be up after 10 today, so i knew i'd wake up with a nasty coffee headache.
and i did. after 10. and made myself go back to snoozing until 11. and then again, while i brewed coffee.
so i got up, made my coffee, and got back into bed.
then i sat online for a while, like i always do.
and then i cleaned for a while, thinking about chalk, i guess. because last time, it snuck up on me. i didn't clean the weekend before enough, and had a lot to do the day before he got here.
so this time, i just told myself i'd get the majority of it done today, so that friday is easier.
and from yesterday afternoon, after work and happy hour with kit, and all day today, i just kept thinking, 'this time next weekend...' thoughts.
last night was awesome. it didn't start out that way. but it ended up that way. i had a lot of fun. i forget sometimes that i am incredibly awkward in social settings when i don't know people. and it probably takes a couple beers to get back to the place i was in those old coffee days, where i would float from table to table, striking up conversation with perfect strangers effortlessly. i didn't care what they thought of me. and i was good at it.
so i think i'd had four beers in total before that started to happen last night. two with kit at 5. and then two more after i got there at around 8.
kit had other plans, and i guess i'd usually just stay in if i didn't have plans with her. but i decided to go to a bbq with kim, and she agreed to go dancing with me after. so i was supposed to bring a six pack of beer with me. from the bar near the party. only i know that a six pack of beer is the same as a twelve pack of beer from a beer store. so i went to the beer store.
and that is how i accidentally bought a case of beer.
i mean, i was nearly positive that it was a case. but i was also a little surprised when i opened the box and there was more than just two six packs inside.
so i opened the box and unloaded half into the trunk of my car, and took more than double what was requested to the party. which was just fine by me. i didn't know what to expect, and i thought it was a nice gesture, since i didn't know anyone there.
so i got there, and took a look around. and it was an interesting crowd. kim's a phd, so i was thinking that there would be people there who were like her, and also into craft beer. but it wasn't really that type of crowd. it wasn't quite squatter punk, but it wasn't a collection of people who brought beer over either.
so everything went into the cooler and after i'd had two beers, all the beer i brought was gone.
by that point, i was beyond sufficiently drunk. i had started drinking at four, without taking longer than a two hour break, so i knew i was in a bit of trouble. i had driven there, and wanted to go home, but was not okay to drive.
so i waited it out, started snacking. eventually i got a powerade and pulled myself together. i was feeling totally straight by the time the second wave of the party started.
kim and i had debated going to a bar, going to her place, or going dancing. because i'd gotten up at 545, i was beat. sitting felt good. and dancing sounded like too much effort. plus we were both broke, so we didn't really want to pay $8 to go somewhere for a couple hours.
so we stayed put.
i'd been talking to her friend lauren, who also got out of a seven year relationship after buying a house with the guy, who she was not married to. so when i was at the peak of my drunkenness, we were telling our similar stories. i wasn't slurring, but i couldn't focus on her face really without her blurring.
then she walked off and went back to having a conversation with kim and the first set of people all bailed. and there were just a couple of us there. and then there were nine of us there.
there were two boys. one who had been there, with some girls who were annoying me, from the beginning. he was really cute. beard, dark hair, shorter guy, nice skin, very quiet.
and i watched him, and smoked near him a couple times (which is what a shy girl does when she doesn't want the boy to know that she thinks he is hot). and he didn't really acknowledge me, so i didn't do anything. then he left 'for five minutes', to walk the girls somewhere. and came back over an hour later, completely shitfaced. being loud and obnoxious. singing sugar ray and something else unbearbly loud to the sky above us. and no one could get him to shut up. he was being a total dick.
and i was really glad that i didn't make anything resembling a move when he was just a couple beers in because he was a fucking nightmare.
but then, he put on i care because you do (aphex twin), and played the song i had on a mix for nina from our glory days. it is fantastic. i was whistling, and he was drunkenly singing the sounds.
whatever. it was his redeeming moment, but he went right back to being an asshole after that.
so these two boys show up. one's all hipstered out with a melt banana tee, and i was thinking 'i bet i'm the only person here who even knows who that is'. and his friend was adorkable (to completely steal nate's phrase), a cute, in a way that i find endearing.
and we were all talking and eating and smoking, and he started making jokes that were cracking me up. and singing beastie boys. i don't know. everything he did made me laugh. and at different times, other people thought he was funny, too. but he would look at me after saying something funny, and i'd be laughing. it was cute.
and then it was getting really late, and i asked kim what we were doing. she wanted to stay a bit longer, so i grabbed a pbr for each of us and i commenced round three of drink fest. i knew that i could only have one, and then some water, to be able to drive. so i did.
and the host wanted to play apples to apples. i had never heard of this before. but confused it with the scrabble game that has playing cards. anyways, it's this game where you have an adjective that is the category. and in your hand you have seven cards. random things. nouns, proper nouns, etc. and you submit a card for the category.
i won the 'feminine' card by turning in poodles.
there were some hilarious submissions. especially from the boy i was eying. and we played that for probably an hour. then some more retardedly drunk people showed up and it was after 2 and i said i was ready to make my move toward home.
so it started off awkwardly. i wanted to leave at about the 30 minute mark, the one hour mark, the two hour mark.
then i was too drunk, and then it became fun.
so that was my night. it took at least 30 minutes to park. it was awful.
and i'd told kit yesterday that i had been wanting to take the business sticker off the back of my car lately, but didn't have a straight edge to do it.
and then today, when i went to get my car and bring it closer, and to get all that extra beer out of my trunk, i walked up behind my car and didn't see the sticker.
and i panicked. at first, i thought that kit came by and did it for me. but then thought that my car was too far away for her to even pass it. and then i thought, 'oh shit. ever.'
and my mind was racing. get a restraining order. what the fuck. how did he find the car. when did he come by. did i just not notice it. has it been gone a while. what the fuck???
and that was the drive for the four blocks. i resolved to get my phone and ask kit if she had done it when i got back inside the apartment. and i got out and parked the car. i felt sick, completely. i guess i've had some time alone this weekend, and i untagged myself in all the pictures that had him in it. and it was all on my mind.
when i went to get the beer out of the trunk, i looked down.
and the sticker was totally still there.
i guess i have the writer's sticker on one side. and it's on the part of the glass that you see through. and on the other side, the business sticker was not on the clear glass, but on the blacked out part. and it's a black sticker. so somehow i wasn't looking in the right place when i didn't see it and commenced the freakout.
sigh.
i felt sick for a while after realizing i'd just tripped out for no reason at all.
now it has passed. but i wanted to write it out.
because i do this pretty often. it wasn't a panic attack. but it could have been. i think if the sticker had really been gone, it would have been a full on panic attack. i'm just so afraid of him seeing me or being over in my neighborhood or being around. and that totally fed my fear. like he'd sought out the car.
in seeing the pictures today, and untagging, i realized how strange i look in some of them. happy, unhappy. heavier, thinner. what i'm wearing. how unflattering my glasses are. how awesome my family is. some made me laugh. the pictures of my dog made me want to cry.
she's so cute. i miss her terribly.
and when i got to the wedding pictures, i thought, 'he used to be so cute. he used to be someone i wanted to marry. at some time, he was.' but then it got to the later pictures, and i couldn't even feel that or see that anymore. and maybe it's because i think about where i was emotionally/mentally the day the picture was taken. the ones with my family made me think of his incessant bitching about having my family come back and how overbearing they were and how they drove him crazy. so i see his fake smile in those pictures and i look tired, probably from overthinking, and it just made me really sad. he took them for granted, and now they're not his anymore.
but yeah. i did nothing today. and now i'm supposed to go to lauren's going away party (from work. there are too many laurens in my life right now), and i'm not really feeling like it. i am ready to go. makeup and hair and all. but after last night, i guess i am worn out and i was content to sit in silence for most of the day today.
i listened to joanna newsom a little. on ep's worth. and then tried to find a good video of gogol bordello live to send to nina, but ended up watching like thirty videos that weren't so great. and found nothing to send her way.
and then, just before i moved the car, i got struck with inspiration.
i don't know how, but i went to the writer's facebook page. and then his website, because he's having a show soon, and i wanted to see if he had the pictures online.
and he didn't. but i went through his links. thinking, if these people inspire him, and he inspires me, i should probably see what they are.
and there were a few people who were kinda vanilla. nothing as compelling as what he does. one girl had some cool stuff on etsy. not really for me. but nice anyways.
and then there was this guy. another photographer.
and how i found him was that he photographed the writer. just one picture. and he looks so tired and so sad, and that's how he looked when i saw him, but the photo was just beautiful. the thing is that the guy works in the camera store that he frequents, and took a picture of him and wrote a little thing about him, which is why he had the link on his site.
so then i start going through this guy's stuff.
a lot of landscapes. which don't do much for me, but they were really good. his portraits were awesome.
and then there's this series. i had to do all this research and read his blog a little to get what was happening. but they're taken with a pinhole camera. and now i absolutely have to buy one.
i don't know how it works. i mean, i get the pinhole part, but not how the film works. i'll look into it.
but his pinhole photos are just mindblowing. not all of them. but most of them. really really awesome stuff.
so i lost about an hour of my day looking at this guy's stuff.
totally worth it.
and now, i'm going to grab my camera. and try to get myself together enough to go to lauren's party. maybe it's because i don't want to say goodbye to her, but i don't feel like going.
maybe part of it, too, is knowing that she has friends who work with ever. and i really don't want to see them. they're the lesbians who want to kick my ass. i hope hope hope they aren't there.
and last night, funny guy was talking about self defense with kim. and they were discussing using your keys as a weapon, which we've talked about quite a bit in recent months. and then he said, if you're getting attacked, you won't really have time to aim for eyes or neck or face with your key in your hand.
he said, 'your best defense is just to run. just run. if someone is coming after me, i'm just going to run.'
and if i'm being chased by an angry mob of lesbians tonight, that is precisely what i'll do. they could kill me in a matchup.
but i can run.
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