it's oh so quiet...
it's oh so still...
it is incredibly quiet here.
i realize how much i like silence.
i realize how much i like to be in the dark.
i really am a vampire. i think maybe i always have been.
i have always had a lamp i preferred to a light switched on in the room, since i was a child. reading books in the night long after my parents sent me to bed. even by flashlight.
though it's not from this album, i drove for a couple hours today, and homogenic was my soundtrack.
nina's songs. my songs. on repeat all day. and looping through my head since. it makes me smell champa. it takes me back to a bitterness at nineteen that was only the beginning. scorn. heartbreak. times when i would drive, screaming lyrics to no one in particular at the top of my lungs. hoping that some shitty boy somewhere far away would hear the song, and me singing it, and know what he had done.
i thought i could organize freedom. how scandinavian of me. that line...makes me wish i was scandinavian. but i'm just a germ.
i switched to weezer blue album after hearing homogenic at least six times through. which is nina and the beach. and always will be.
all weekend with my parents was ida will you find me. because it was mellow enough for them, and comfortable enough for me. i skipped through feedback, and sang only when i couldn't just listen.
before that was the nina mix disc one. really missing shannon hoon, and missing albums as good as girlfriend after girlfriend. and how the lemonheads will probably never fall to the wayside. it's a shame about ray was high school. and rest assured some time after. always robin and beekie, and even chris.
and before that was the nina mix disc two. which was also remniscent of beach days in college, with shaun, when we really should have been studying. or in class. driving around a hot city in what felt like an endless summer. singing harmonies nonstop. that dog, the rentals.
and my fall mix for months before that.
music has been key to this recovery so far, just as much as silence. the music is loud and condensed. the silence is long and drawn out.
i like silence in my living space. i like music pushed so loud that it makes mirrors vibrate in my car when i'm driving. especially with the windows down and my hair being blown to hell. and i like 55 songs of sigur in bed at night.
i really need a spring mix. by the time i make it, it will probably be a summer mix. stupid ever, with the keeping of the good computer.
i'm going to buckle. i'm going to buy a computer. i feel it coming, like i feel other things that are on their way.
i don't want my vacation time to end. i have now used up four days of my three weeks off. and i won't get more until next april.
and it's only may.
all day, i thought about the vacations.
and i talked to my long lost friend, and caught up with her. and she'll also be on the west coast, in sacramento, by the time i get out there in the fall.
that trip is gaining momentum. promising a tahoe visit in the winter is now becoming quite an adventure. i'm really getting pretty excited about it.
i went to work for a bit after dropping my parents off at the airport.
and smoked in the car more than usual, just because i could. making up for lost time.
and drove around with the windows down, because the weather is just incredible right now.
and to think that when i woke up this morning, i had a really hard time shaking a dream. really, two.
i slept very well last night. and right before i woke up the first time, in my sleep i was being properly kissed. he said, 'come here' in an incredibly nice voice, and leaned over me and just went for it. it was very salivary.
i'm nearly certain that i woke up with a smile on my face. it was quite nice.
but when i fell asleep after that dream was interrupted, i dreamt about ever.
and that hasn't happened too much since i left.
maybe only twice?
in any case, i went to the house, only it wasn't our house.
and opened his bedroom door. and he was in bed with not one girl, but two.
one had braces (he used to have a thing) and they were all in bed, looking at me, one was his ex girlfriend. and both of them were kindof laughing. like i was the one who was missing out. like the joke was on me. and like they stood to gain from my lapse in judgment.
and he was just laying there, like i was not only interrupting, but with a big stupid smile on his face. as if to say that he was having more fun without me.
and in the dream, i thought that he must've just needed a change in scenery, because he never made me smile like those girls.
and then i woke up from that.
and was too disturbed to go back to sleep.
i guess i think that maybe all of this ever stuff is settling into my brain. thinking about him with anyone other than me. the fact that, from some place, he wants to be with someone other than me already. it's definitely getting to me, because it's in my subconscious. but in my waking life, it doesn't really bother me at all. mostly because i have wanted to be with someone other than him for years now. as far as he is concerned, i get angry occasionally. because i don't understand how you can tell someone you love them more than the world, and are in love with them, but still have no problem switching gears so quickly. despite the fact that i broke his heart. i suppose that i underestimate the power of a rebound.
but this wasn't just a boyfriend. this was a marriage.
if i think about me, it makes more sense. then again, i wasn't in love.
the urge to make out is getting to be unbearable. i'm really becoming convinced that i have forgotten how to kiss. it's horrifying.
he told me more than once that he was in love with two women at the same time. and i never believed him. because i don't believe that is possible. but he swore he was. and that he couldn't choose between them, because he was so in love with both of them. he kept it going with both of them for a long time. until they found out about each other.
my heart doesn't work that way. mine waxes and wanes. but there's only room enough to be in love with one person at a time.
and that is how it is that i think that i was never in love with him.
all of this relationship shit is really confusing to me. i think about what is normal to everyone but me. i think about trying to be 'normal' and that i believe i'll never succeed at that.
i think back to my factory settings and i think that i am who i am, and that i will never change. and to continue to be vigilant, because if i don't, i'll end up in a mess. again.
uncharted waters are scary and i just have to take things slowly.
but deprivation is hell. and it's not somewhere i see myself staying much longer. as long as i keep it to things other than relationships, i will be okay.
again, with the desire to be hypnotized.
to separate heart from brain, heart from lips. i just want to feel again. i want to be felt again. i want the sickness in my stomach that is a drug to me. washing my brain and becoming a need. the need to be wanted. the wish to be with someone who wishes to be with me. or, really, who will just indulge me. lips and hands and feet.
like everything else in the last six months, i want it to be fast. i want the divorce and return to boys to be a band aid that i rip off. and it just can't be.
i cannot rush this.
i will not.