letter to ever. and a card game. may 13th.

letter to ever.

i really hoped that would go better than it did.

i don't hate you. i don't think you're a bad person. i do love you, and i did even when i felt hurt by choices you were making or deciding not to make.

i hate that you make me feel like a sucker, and i feel like that was the sole purpose of you wanting to meet today. i hate that you seem to enjoy it.

upon re-reading the email i sent you, it seems to me like i was clear in trying to help you, not trying to screw you.

we will never agree on what went wrong ultimately. and you'll never feel like i gave you enough time. and i'll never feel like you tried to make our marriage work. all the conversations i instigated before you started noting dates about feeling like i was second to your work, and feeling like nothing more than an investor in your business, not a wife, and about feeling like there was no place for me in our house. that i wasn't getting what i needed. but i also know that you elect not to remember that.

and that's okay. you have your notes. and i have mine. referencing them forever won't change anything.

i didn't realize that we were playing a card game. i thought that we could talk about what i learned and what you learned, and that you'd have something to say about it other than 'i'm not showing my cards just because you did' and then 'go ask your lawyer', so that we could work on it together. and come up with some kind of a plan.

i don't know what to do. i was very clear about that. all i want to do is file.

i'm doing my best.

you know that i didn't ever threaten you. i certainly never said that i was going to teach you a lesson. though i'd believe it if i had said that i wish you'd learn from this for future reference.

no matter how your heart makes you feel, you know that i didn't say those things the way you pitched them back at me today.

that wasn't fair and that is why i shut down. you know that i don't do well when i feel i'm being attacked. i can't talk to you when you're laughing at me, and intentionally making me feel ignorant. and i can't talk to you when you're telling me things i said, that i know i never said.

maybe we can try to have this conversation again in a couple weeks. i thought i was ready.

despite what you might think, i want to be able to be your friend. i've loved you too long to not be left with that. but until this part is over, i don't know how to do that.

i do care. and i do worry. sometimes i wish i didn't.


fuck me in the face.

that was the worst thing i've felt in a while.

meeting at a subway far from where we both live.

at some point in the conversation, he said that he would only meet me in public because all three of the attorneys he talked to for free told him not to respond to me in writing. and to talk to me in public, on neutral territory.

he has a way of being so caring, and then completely unraveling it.

like, to say that i broke his heart. and that he loves me more than anything in the world. and that i stabbed him in the heart and twisted it.

and then to turn around and say that i need to ask my attorney what the recourse is for each thing i mentioned in my original email to him after i met with her. and that it will end up costing more than the money we make on the house. and that he is concerned for me and worried about me.

and then, to say that the roommate isn't a roommate? that he isn't taking money from them, because they don't live there. apparently it's a couple who need to be apart from each other, but that it's a joint space. and that he's just trying to help them out.

that when i left, he said i said that i told him i wished he had to do it on his own for a year, because that is what i had done. so that is what he is going to do. no paying roommates. doesn't make a fucking bit of sense. i don't believe him for a second.

and there's a meeting tonight about the deck to be built on the roof. by the people who don't live there. who don't pay to not live there.

goddamn, he's fucking crazy.

i understand feeling threatened. but i'm not a threatening person.

i've been particularly careful since i left not to say anything that could be misconstrued as being a threat, because i don't know what rights i have legally, and don't know the rules.

i hope the lawyer was right about him not being able to get me for abandonment. because he used the word deserted more than once. and i also know that he did it intentionally.

to which mom says i'd better move back into the house.

to which i say hell fuck NO.

he tells me repeatedly that i lied when i married him because i said forever. it's a running theme with him. today he said he doesn't understand why i'm so concerned about contracts regarding the house, because obviously i have no regard for legal contracts and documents (as in marriage license).

he tried to tell me that he is the same person i married.

and i told him he's not at all.

and then said that i'm the same person he married.

and i said 'if that was the case, we wouldn't be standing here'.

dude. fuck him. i mean, i'm not gonna. but seriously?

i think i need to scream again.

maybe i should go to the train station again and wait for the express train to blow past me. that was a good one. completely drowned out. and i almost lost my voice i screamed so loud.

the note that we left on was not what i wanted. and i told him that.

he asked if i'm happy.

and i said that i have fewer bad days. and that i feel better.

and he asked if i'm happy.

and i said that i don't want to say that i'm happy. because it does nothing for him except to make him feel bad.

and he asked me another question that was getting at the same thing.

and i finally said, 'i am happy.'

and the look on his face? ugh.

and he said something like 'ok' and just left. so i left.

and flipped my shit the whole way home.

trying to pay attention to where i was going because i was driving a CAR.

my mind was not present. i have to say, it's a little alarming.

i called my mom.

and i still think that is a mistake.

because she doesn't understand.

no one understands us. as we were. not as we are. because i don't even understand us as we are.

we aren't the typical couple.

we put up with a lot of shit from each other.

and i can't help how i feel.

just like he can't help apparently how he reacts to me.

because it's a reaction. and they're feelings.

i fucking HATE that i am not a person who thinks on my toes. who comes up with the best answer, or the thing that i wanted to say until hours or days later. i never have the upper hand. i am never composed. i am never organized.

and i know that he always will have the upper hand with me. he knows how to fuck with me. and though he swears that he only did it once i said that i was leaving, i don't believe him.

he said that it wasn't fair to blame my leaving quickly on him saying that i had two weeks to get out, because he had two people lined up. because in the next breath he said it wasn't true.

and that when he said that he and the dog were so cute the day i went over and they were both staring at me with puppy dog eyes, it was just to get me to realize that you don't leave your family. because we were a family.

i will never get anywhere with him.

and all i want is to be DIVORCED. past tense.

fuck the house. fuck him. fuck the business.

he will never know what he did to me. or what he didn't do to me.

and he will never believe me that i loved him. and he will never believe me that not being in love isn't why i left.

and he'll always think that i lied to him all that time. because of the outcome.

i wasn't lying when we said 'we do'. i meant every word of my vows at the time. i was still naive then. and i had the best intentions.

but he changed. and i changed. and he deprived me just like i deprived him.

but if this is a card game, i wasn't playing with a full deck.

and it just isn't fair.

i always tell him that i don't think he's a bad person.

and i always leave feeling like a bad person.

and i always cry. no matter what. every time i have to see him and when he talks to me.

there were no tears, but i couldn't talk at all a few different times or i would have lost my shit right there in a snotty slobbering pile. on the ridiculous shopping plaza parking lot sidewalk in front of the subway.

and he just called me.

to talk. for over 20 minutes.

and i feel better now. because, again, he explained why he acted that way.

and we did get somewhere.

it was all because of the business. because he read it as me trying to take half of the last seven years' gross sales.

which he misread.

and to think that it was all because of that.


when he called, i picked up. i had the ugly organ blasting to drown out the glee fest going on in the neighbor's house next door (seriously, like ten people are warming up their vocal chords and singing 'i love you' so loudly. for over an HOUR).

but i answered, and i started crying immediately. and couldn't speak, physically.

he thought i had people over and was laughing.

which just goes to show...

but he just said that he had an idea. and that he thinks that putting two years on the house once the divorce is final is the best way to proceed.

and i agree.

that is all i was trying to do today.

i'm so lost.


i only have clarity about a handful of things.

everything else is covered in mud.

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