stormy. may 14th.

i don't have words for how i feel when i read words that i thought were mine, in someone else's book.

i claimed them as my favorite line. but they were not mine.

if they weren't so fantastic it would've been harder to minimize the sick feeling when i read the line. my face went hot. i blushed, despite being completely alone.


there was this storm tonight. it was supposed to be worse than it was.

we rarely have thunderstorms or lightning here.

i wished for a screened porch to sit on. or unscreened, i suppose.

to sit under and smoke under and watch the storm from the safer exposure of.

i settled for raising the screen and opening the window, and sitting in kit's camping chair in front of it.

i stared at the sky for a while. thinking. feeling. staring. watching the clouds change and swirl and move. watching the lightning that rarely touched the ground, but was flashing every few seconds. for hours.

and thought that i'd never tried to take a picture of lightning that i can remember. so i tried it.

obviously, it is not easy. i took over 130 pictures, and only one had a nice shot of cloud to cloud lightning. i kept snapping pictures and then seeing lightning. so i thought that when i wanted to take a picture, if i gave it another second or two, the timing might be right. but it wasn't. i think i was 80 pictures in before i got it right. i scrapped all but maybe 6 pictures. it was a fun experiment.

in any case, i alternated between the camera and the book.

i decided to pick up cruddy, and read sitting there, crossways in the chair with my legs draped over the arm. and when the sun was setting, i grabbed my booklight until the streetlight came on.

i must have read for two hours that way.

and then it was night. and then it was midnight and i was nearing the end of the book. i read it so fast. two days?


i knew i'd finish it this weekend. kit is away, and nate couldn't come down. so i had already decided to sleep a lot. and do laundry at my-your. and read and write all weekend. feels like it might be a good time to go back to the novel and make the first round of edits.


i'm still pretty mixed up from yesterday's meeting with ever and the fallout. work today was strictly cleaning. which, in addition to baking is what i do that coincides with deep thought.

so i was alone and in the silence for hours, cleaning. thinking about ever more than anything else, even though i didn't want to.

i kept remembering things he said.

the first thing he said to me when he sat across from me was, 'so you're into spray tans now?'

i was confused and asked what he meant. he said i looked really orange and laughed.

i thanked him. and said it was from going to the race last weekend, because i was in the sun all day friday and saturday. and that i would never get a spray tan.


what an asshole.


and i guess later, he was being a non-asshole when he said i looked pretty. and rubbed my arm.

i looked at him and said 'don't do that. do not touch me.'

and he asked why. and i said that i didn't want him to. and he asked why not. and i said that he shouldn't want to touch me.

i had so many opportunities to bring up the dating site. and i didn't.


as is my life, i am stuck in loops right now.

little heady loops.

is it strange that i sleep on one side of the bed when i don't have to? i can have the whole thing. i can sleep in the middle. i can change sides. but when i wake up, i'm exactly where i started out. pushed to the edge of the bed.

is it strange that i read by a booklight, when i'm not going to keep anyone up by using a lamp? every light i have here is too bright for me. do they make a 2 watt bulb? that's what i need.

is the doctor going to judge me for ending my marriage? because i know how he feels about marriage. the whole thing about him writing me while i was writing him after six or so months of no correspondence really tripped me out. and when he mentioned ever and thinking about us, i told him i should probably tell him that we split up.

i just remember the conversation we had. he had decided to move to where his boy lived to be with him. and i remember when he said they were getting married. and how he said that he took it very seriously, and that he would only do it once.

that's what i thought, too, you know? and i went into it with those intentions.

i hope his life with him is such that he doesn't have to go back on his word like i did.

but i know how people have reacted upon hearing this news, people who know us pretty well. and they're shocked. but i don't want to disappoint the doctor. i respect him and he's a pioneer like we were. and i care about what he thinks.

that's enough about that. no time for self loathing today.


but why is everyone professing love online right now? not everyone. specifically, one girl and one boy to coffee. and one girl to the sun.

i can't help myself. i can't stop wondering.


stop.


i have two books to buy tomorrow.

i wish i could go to strand to get them. but i'm not at nate's.

i don't like going into the city here on the weekend. i don't know why, but i just don't. and i don't want to go to borders. i think it's because i like little shops and not big chains. and because i don't want to drive. and because the city is empty and it doesn't feel as good to walk around alone in an empty city.

i don't know of a bookstore near me. but i'll look one up and do that instead.

maybe i'll even ride my bike.


after that push i felt to go back to the gym the other day, i haven't felt it since. i can't make myself go. i've promised myself that this weekend i'll get there.

even riding my bike to work was too much. i only did it one day this week. that is just SAD. because it is only a seven minute ride.

but i have been walking a lot. mostly, the other day when i went to the bar. walked something like 25 blocks.

it was far. and i walked fast.


i don't know.

i'm mopey.

i'm lonely.

i'm kinda sad, but mostly not. i wish i could find the right word for it. melancholy?

i'm really unmotivated.

on the stoop tonight, i felt completely numb. i felt nothing at all. but the feeling of feeling nothing wasn't a good one. it's like numbness itself had a negative connotation.

i know how tapped i am from the week i had. and i feel like laying in bed is the best way to counteract it.

but i am not like that. i'm not that person.

i have a hard time laying in bed if it's not late at night, and if i'm not writing or reading, or trying to sleep.

i'm not a lounger.


maybe i need to watch a movie.

maybe it's time for edward scissorhands or dream for an insomniac. in this apartment.

maybe i need to do something i've never done before.


aubree is threatening to make me jump out of a plane when i'm home. in an effort to keep me young.

i have always wanted to.

but panic attacks put an end to that want.

and she seems to think that i absolutely must, because i promised her i would years ago, before i had them.

what's with this theme of people bringing up promises i made to them years ago, and trying to hold me to them now. when my life is so different? when i am so different? it's like my own recent past is haunting me despite the fact that it isn't dead.


but you know what? maybe she's right.

not that i have money for it.

but that i should just suck it up and JUMP. out of a perfectly good plane with a boy and a parachute strapped to my back.


it's 2 am. i'm wiped out. the toll my days are taking on me are not fun to deal with. and to try to compensate for.


the spring mix is coming together.

i'm really quite happy with it so far. only i'm not even halfway through one disc. i tend to make two disc mixes.


i'm uncomfortable. i have that feeling in my legs, where i want to stretch them out, and they kinda feel like they want to run a half marathon. only it's late, so i can't do a thing about it.

and i'm so tired now.

a non-walking disaster.